@jhcj

I thought u would PM me for help. Do let me know if u need any help. I can still help for a week. Although exams are coming soon, but i guess i can still help u with a chapter or two.

i would have, but i was away on a camping trip the past 3 days. i just got back today, and i'm dead tired. anyways, thanks for helping me out with the next chapter.

everyone can expect the next update tomorrow or the day after!

Chapter 5: Speaking Different Languages

Introduction
Martians and Venusian languages had the same words, but they way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different emotional emphasis or connotations. Misinterpreting each other was very easy.

Expressing feelings versus expressing information
Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she's feeling at that moment. It is not to be taken as factual information.

To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner. Other examples of complaints easily misinterpreted are like the following:



The "literal" translation of a woman's words can easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. In turn, a man's misguided response might also lead to an argument. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally misunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate what they have heard.

Summary: To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors and generalizations. Men commonly take these expressions literally by mistake.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 7 2005, 01:24 PM

The Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary
The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary.

"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I'm afraid I am boring you. I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say. Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: 'What happened today? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?' Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging and reassuring statements such as 'Tell me more' or 'That's right' or 'I understand.' Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of those reassuring sounds: 'oh', 'uh-huh', or 'hmmm'. (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)

Without this translation, men may hear "I give you my attention but you dont listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."

"You dont love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as thoughj you dont love me. I'm afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good.

Without this translation, men may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are selfish and cold. You do not care about everybody. Iwas a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing."

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It's been a few days since we went out." Without this translation a man may hear "You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic and just boring."

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 10 2005, 02:08 AM

When Men Dont Talk
One of the biggest challenges for men is to correctly interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. In contrast, the biggest challenge for women is to correctly interpret and support a man when he isnt talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesnt hear what's being said and that is why he is not responding.

Men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressins them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. This process could take from minutes to hours, and to make matters worse, he may not even answer at all if he does not have enough information to process an answer.

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I dont know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead they hear is "I am not responding to you because I dont care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding."

How She Reacts To His Silence
Women easily misinterpret silence because depending on how she is feeling on that day, she might begin to imagine the very worst - "He hates me, he doesnt love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her biggest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I dont deserve to be loved."

Women do this because the only times a woman would ever be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didnt want to talk to a person because she didnt trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. Without reassuring responses when women are talking, a man's silence can be very threatening. Women must know how to handle a man when he goes into his cave.

Getting Burned By The Dragon
It is important for women to understand not to get a man to talk before he is ready. Women should not take it personally when men withdraw to their caves. Most importantly, women should not follow the men into their caves. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave.

Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just havent understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. At such times, she naturally tries to get him to talk. She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel that he is upset. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowinly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you. What is it?" He says "It's nothing." She asks "It's not nothing. Something is bothering you. What are you feeling?" He says "Look, I'm fine. Now leave me alone!" She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you're feeling? You dont love me. I feel so rejected by you."

At this point he loses control and says things that he'll regret later. His dragon comes out and burns her.

Summary: The biggest challenge for women is to correctly interpret and support a man when he isnt talking. When a man is silent it is easy for women to assume the worst. Never go into a man's cave or you'll be burned by the dragon!

When Martians Do Talk
Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's cave but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that they are about to enter the cave or that they are already in the cave. When asked "What's the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It's nothing" or "I'm OK." These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I'm upset and I need some time alone," men just become quiet.

When a man makes one of those brief comments, he generally wants silent acceptance or space. Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is "I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself."

Without this translation, women may think that he is denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by asking questions or talking about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an abbreviated language.

Summary: When a man makes one of those brief comments, he generally wants silent acceptance or space.

Chapter 5 has a whole bunch of excellent solutions to overcome communication problems offered at the end of the chapter which are not covered in this summary. Please, consider getting this book if you want to find out more! It's worth the money!

Chapter 6: Men Are Like Rubber Bands

Introduction
A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understanding the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting back. Most women are suprised to realise that even when a man loves a woman, he periodically needs to pull away before he can get closer.

Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman will pull away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesnt trust him to understand her feelings, when she's been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her. Although a man may also pull away for the same reasons, he may sometimes pull away even when she has done nothing wrong.

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel the need for intimacy and love again. Automatically he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesnt feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again.

Summary: When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 14 2005, 10:09 PM

What Every Woman Should Know About Men
How a Man is Suddenly Transformed
If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or "run after" their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself. He will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.

When a rubber band is stretched to its limit, it will return with alot of power and spring. Likewise, when a man has stretched away his full distance, he will return with alot of power and spring. Once he has pulled away to his limit, he begins to go through a transformation. His whole attitude begins to shift. This man who did not seem to care about or be interested in his partner (while he is pulling away), suddenly cannot live without her. He is now feeling again his need for intimacy. His power is back because his desire for love has been reawakened.

This is generally puzzling for women because in her experience is she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. If a woman does not understand that men are different in this way, she might have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away. Men also need to understand this difference. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands that a woman may need more time to regain the same level of intimacy - especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away.

Why Men Pull Away And Why Women Panic
Men begin to feel their need for independence and autonomy after they have fulfilled their need for intimacy. When this happens women panic - they do not realise that when he fulfills his need for independence and autonomy he will suddenly want to be intimate again. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.

A woman may panic and react with fear when men pull away because she might feel that she has done something wrong and turned him off. She imagines he is expecting her to reestablish intimacy and is afraid he will never come back. To make matters worse, she might feel powerless to get him because she doesnt know what she did to turn him off. She doesnt realise that this is just part of his intimacy cycle. When she asks him what's the matter, he doesnt have a clear answer, and so he resists talking about it. He just continues to distance her even more. Without an understanding of this cycle, it is easy for men and women to begin to doubt their love.

Chapter 7: Women Are Like Waves

Introduction
A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.

When a woman's wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.

If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.

A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understands what she needs at these times; otherwise he may make unreasonable demands.

Summary: A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she hits bottom it is time for emotional housecleaning.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 21 2005, 02:26 PM

How Men React To The Wave
When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But just like men pull back and then get close, women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. Once minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good job and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.

Don't Try To Fix It
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention and support.

Summary: In relationships, men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

How Men Are Confused
When a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.

A man may get confused because as he listens to her she appeared to get no benefit from his support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. Through understanding that a wave must hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feel better in response to his assistance.

Summary: Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset.

.. headache

this book having 2 version? i found tat got 1 version was publish on year 1992 .

m... sounds impressing!
i gonna go get one of it!

with this now~ I can study the art of Relation
perhaps I can test the trueness by applying on my fishing

hope they(everything) work out just right

There's only one version, but there are many reprints. The book you saw is probably one of these reprints.

after i read tru all the 7 chapters///man.. i really need to get my hand on this book.. go mph and read there...no $$ to buy

i wish i was from mars i wonder wut venus is like

wow...... im impress wif this book man..... gonna go borders and look for it hehe

well if u wonders what venus was like... then get this book