Credits to kenlui for summarising the 3rd chapter

How Women React to the Cave
When a man is stuck in his cave, he can be powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn't know how stressed he is. Women generally do not understand how man cope with stress. They expect them to open up and talk about all their problems the way women do.

On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant.

To increase cooperation, both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain. At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk.

Summary: When a man is stuck in his cave, he can be powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 27 2005, 10:14 AM

Credits to kenlui for summarising the 3rd chapter

Finding Relief Through Talking
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems she talks about, the more he feels blamed. He does not realise that talking makes her feel better. A man doesnt know that she will appreciate it if he just listens. Men generally talk for two reasons: to blame and to seek advice. If a woman is upset he'll think she's blaming him. If she's less upset he'll think she wants advice. If he assumes she's asking for advice, he'll put on his Mr Fix-It cap. If he assumes she's blaming him, he'll draw his sword to protect himself.

Summary: A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. To forget her own painful feelings a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 27 2005, 10:15 AM

Credits to kenlui for summarising the 3rd chapter

How the Martians and Venusians Found Peace
The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn't have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. When men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good at lestening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of this day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner.

The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. They discovered that by askng for the Martians' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention. When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When Martians felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the they would more quickly come out of their caves.

Summary: When men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. Women should not take it personally when men are completely preoccupied with their problems.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 27 2005, 10:15 AM

i really hope girl read this chapter.....its true when man are despress they just want to be alone.....and dont want to talk bout it...

really just wish that girl could understand us better

this thread isnt just for the girls only. the guys should also understand that when the girls talk to us whenever we are feeling down, all they want to do is help us. that's how they show their love to us.

it's great if we can promote dialogue between the sexes through this thread. hopefully we can understand each other's differences better.

i also wish that guy could understand us better...

aiyoh.. thats the purpose of this thread ler... its for guys to understand girls and girls to understand guys....

understanding is a two way thing..... both have to learn to understand....and compromise...

How do ppl define understanding? Well, i believe it's a very very wide scope to cover. There are yet few more chapters to be pinned up. After reading thru, i guess u guys would have a better idea.

yeap...new chapter will be out by tomorrow evening i hope!! i have a long day tomorrow, dunno if can make it through the day. sigh.

if it's not out tomorrow, it'll be out the day after. please be patient!

finish read already.....but some of its i cant accept la....not so true of course.....

Sorry guys, chapter 4 will have to wait. I'm stuck in office and i have no time to summarise the chapter. Will do it ASAP, latest by tomorrow.

@phiberoptic

Well, it's just a general talk of the author about relationships. Some of the issues may not apply as it differs from individuals.

This book usually works only for couples who have communication problems. If you're looking to fix "bad attitude" problems of your girl/guy, this book is definitely far away from being your bible.

Chapter 4: How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

When Martians became depressed, they left their cities and went to their caves for a long time. One day they glimpsed upon the beautiful Venusians, and the sight of these wondrous beings inspired the Martians, and their depression miraculously lifted. Suddenly they felt needed.

When the Venusians became depressed, they formed circles and talked about their problems. However, this didnt seem to relieve their depression, until one day they had a vision of strong and wondrous beings from Mars who would come to love, serve and support them. Suddenly they felt cherished.

When a man does not feel needed in a relationship, he gradually becomes passive and and less energised, and with each passing day he has less and less to give into the relationship. On the other hand, when he feels trusted to do his best to fulfill her needs and appreciated for his efforts, he is empowered and has more to give.

Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. When a woman does not feel cherished in a relationship she gradually becomes compulsively responsible and exhaustive from giving too much. On the other hand, when she feels cared for and respected, she is fulfilled and has more to give as well.

Summary: Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. In contrast, women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

This post has been edited by jhcj: Jun 7 2005, 01:26 PM

When a Man Loves a Woman
Martians have a win/lose philosophy - I want to win, and I dont care if you lose. In most sports today you can see an extension of this competitive code. This attitude has a place in life, but can be harmful in adult relationships. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.

Differences Attract
The differences in Venusians attracted them to the Martians. Where they were hard, the Venusians were soft. Where they were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way, their differences seemed to compliment each other. In an unspoken language, the Venusians communicated loud and clear: "We need you. Your power and and strength can bring us great fulfillment...filling a void deep within our being. Together we can live in great happiness". This invitation motivated and empowered the Martians.

Love Motivates Martians
When a man is in love he is motivated to be the best in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels confident of himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress to his old selfish ways. To experience fulfillment he must begin his life motivated by love. Being inspired by giving in such a free and selfless way liberates him from the inertia of self-gratification devoid of caring for others. When a man doesnt feel needed, it is hard for him to continue caring about his life and relationships. Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.

Summary: Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress to his old selfish ways.

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 31 2005, 12:24 AM

When a Woman Loves a Man
Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she's not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. Men dont realise this because their instincts tell them it's best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, he leaves her alone out of respect, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not realise that she just needs someone to listen. Through sharing her feelings doubt and mistrust melt away. She calms down, remembers that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled.

Too Much Giving is Tiring
To deal with their depression women share their feelings and talk about their problems. As they talked they found the cause of their depression - they were tired of giving so much all the time. They resented always feeling responsible for one another. They wanted to relax and just be taken care of for a while. Women live by a lose/win philosophy - "I lose so that you can win". Because of this, women need to learn how to receive, while men need to learn how to give.

Giving Up Blame
When a woman realises she's been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she received. Similarly, a man who gives less should not blame his partner for being negative or unreceptive to him. Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance and support are the solution, not blaming others. When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she does not ask for it, listen to her even if it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares. Instead of blaming the man for giving less, a woman can accept and forgive her partner's imperfections, especially when he dissapoints her, trust that he wants to give more when he doesnt offer his support, and encourage him to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

Summary: A woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love - she doesnt have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.

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Learning to Give and Learning to Receive can be found and read in the original book, so please buy it if you like what you read!

This post has been edited by jhcj: May 31 2005, 12:26 AM

so far they are all surprisingly true.... sums me up pretty well........ cant wait to know the rest

is the writer a man or a woman?

edit:
nvm... itsw a man... wow.. he sure knows women

glad to know that the summaries are helping, shadowprincess. some of the solutions offered in the book are quite effective, but then again..i cant reveal everything lah. must give credit to the author also, so that you guys will go and buy the book.

i'm dead tired today. it's been a long day.

wow... nice info
keep it up guys!

sorry guys for not updating this thread. i was away from 2/06 till today, and i just got back home. i'm dead tired. i'll post chapter 5 as soon as i can. for now, i need to rest!