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Music Metal! V2, LYN Headbanger's Lounge

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TSJonSpark
post Nov 27 2008, 07:08 PM

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Updated first post!!

101 rules of Black Metal

Here follows the 101 rules of black metal, then maybe you'll se why Cradle of Filth aren't considered black:
1. Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren't "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Remember, Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you
mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 months after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only
interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true"
blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members or on your secret "im gonna kill him" list.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have
your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. rarely play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, you mention tremolo riffs about 5 times and the other person still has no idea
what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died
because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to
produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less
wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects
as "session" musicians. "Don't forget secret [kill em] list"
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same
producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the
word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still
sound the same way it did 9 f-in years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever
greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal
Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one
inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the
terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of
attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder
paper in the middle of math class or your kid brothers spirograph.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you
really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine
Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to kiss the Dark Lord's greasy ass at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy arse" whenever
possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the freakin...whups, "f***in" day, and instead of looking evil, look dork...*blink* *blink*...ACH!, never mind, see rule 1.
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house at x-mas time is not "pimping it".
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily >:-(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to
it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hyms are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. F#%K, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested
tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, younger brothers legos etc. (See also "clouded frost spire" )
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your d*** in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists
of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend,
and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-shit shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-shit" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "f***" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and
therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish, esperanto.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and go look for a bridge to sit under..."fight" soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!


http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-music/...lack-metal.html

This post has been edited by JonSpark: Nov 27 2008, 07:14 PM
TSJonSpark
post Dec 2 2008, 02:17 AM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(soulfly @ Dec 1 2008, 10:46 PM)
anybody listened to napalm death latest album yet?
i have the leak.... really br00tal!
*
Yeah....only listened to The Code is Red album aje. XD


Added on December 2, 2008, 2:19 am
QUOTE(low7 @ Dec 2 2008, 01:57 AM)
anyone here like Trivium?
I downloaded their latest single "Down From The Sky"......................simply awesome! I'm gonna get the whole album soon.
*
Havent listen to Trivium for a long time......I stopped listening to them after their 3rd album was out.

This post has been edited by JonSpark: Dec 2 2008, 02:19 AM
TSJonSpark
post Dec 19 2008, 09:17 PM

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QUOTE(f4tE @ Dec 19 2008, 09:01 PM)
do they sound like pondan?
*
To f4te! smile.gif

Good to see fellow kopitiam metalhead here!
TSJonSpark
post Dec 25 2008, 10:36 AM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(am_eniey @ Dec 24 2008, 09:15 AM)
how about Dismal Euphony ? it has disbanded but they produced such a high quality and entertaining black-death-symphonic metal !
*
Dismal Euphony was a gothic metal band from Norway that mixed styles including death metal, black metal and classical music.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dismal_Euphony

Never heard b4, but will do check it out.
TSJonSpark
post Jan 1 2009, 01:40 AM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(ghoster @ Dec 31 2008, 12:53 PM)
hm, didnt expect that one coming, now that's metal!
now this is what metal really is, damn it for those losers that posted the 100 rules should go to hell! ooops wait a minute.., hell is metal.. er i meant, those who posted the rules should go to heaven.. eer.. shit i need some sleep...
*
So....I should go to hell/heaven/whatever for posting some jokes?

ok....like this lah, if you guise have any suggestion or anything you want me to include/remove in the first post, just PM me. smile.gif
TSJonSpark
post Jan 24 2009, 12:20 AM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(cradle0fFilth @ Jan 23 2009, 03:40 PM)
urm.. may i know where is mcpa hall?
haha


Added on January 23, 2009, 4:11 pmi am listening to this band, Otep. any 1 heard of them b4?
*
Yes. I have only have a few of their songs in my playlist. Ok band IMO......cuz im not into death-rap metal. laugh.gif
TSJonSpark
post Mar 18 2009, 02:12 PM

ai shiteru
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Bump for the angry Finn-trolls

To each his own guise! You may not agree with a forummer's personal preference/musical taste, but drop the shit labelling for metal's sake. biggrin.gif

Peace out!
TSJonSpark
post Mar 26 2009, 02:14 PM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(low7 @ Mar 26 2009, 02:54 AM)
JonSpark...........that car in your sig, what car model is that? Looks nice.
*
Off-topic: BMW E92 M3
TSJonSpark
post May 31 2009, 05:46 PM

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Holy shit, wtf happened to my thread????

One of the few in currently into:

TSJonSpark
post Jun 22 2009, 11:07 PM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(mcbarney666 @ Jun 16 2009, 05:18 PM)
Obscura.

While the guitar solos are no where near's the dude from Necrophagist but overall they have better songs. German Tech Death Metal ftw!
*
Necrophagist still ftw! biggrin.gif
TSJonSpark
post Jun 22 2009, 11:10 PM

ai shiteru
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1st page updated with.......this:

user posted image

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
TSJonSpark
post Jun 28 2009, 05:25 AM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(hlyshgrsyd @ Jun 26 2009, 11:37 AM)
My new music sensation :

The Agonist (female vocal)  laugh.gif

Daarchlea
(malaysian kids, only below 20!!!!! Memang gilaaaa... )  notworthy.gif

U can find them on Myspace..
*
Thank you for the Agonist! notworthy.gif
TSJonSpark
post Feb 20 2010, 07:13 PM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(gto87 @ Feb 15 2010, 03:49 PM)
Have you guys listen to August Burns Red before? Their new album Constellation if I'm not mistaken is one of the best I heard before.
*
My cousin-in-law intro me into ABR, listened to a few samples on youtube....not bad wei rclxms.gif
TSJonSpark
post May 9 2010, 10:36 PM

ai shiteru
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QUOTE(vinesh22 @ May 8 2010, 01:45 AM)
Err, why don't u sign up, its free anyway..haha  whistling.gif
Anyway, the links are not mine, just thought of sharing em with u guys..stuck at LCCT waiting for my next flight, will list down the links one by one for u because I'm bored anyway..hahaha  laugh.gif

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «


there you go, phew.. thumbup.gif
The RS links are better IMO, because one of the albums is missing from the MU one, its either album 7 or 8..

there, 20 mins of my life just passed by making this list  doh.gif
*
major contribution! notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif notworthy.gif
TSJonSpark
post May 10 2010, 12:20 PM

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QUOTE(f4tE @ May 10 2010, 11:24 AM)
so u mean ax7 dont have their own drummer?
*
got lah

The Rev is A7X drummer
TSJonSpark
post Jun 19 2010, 10:52 PM

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QUOTE(scorps @ Jun 19 2010, 12:10 PM)
user posted image
*
Group pics like this is hard to come by notworthy.gif
TSJonSpark
post Jun 28 2010, 12:07 AM

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QUOTE(scorps @ Jun 23 2010, 01:12 PM)
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

notworthy.gif  thumbup.gif
*

TSJonSpark
post Oct 26 2014, 10:40 PM

ai shiteru
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Attention all metalheads, please proceed to new thread to continue discussion biggrin.gif

Thank you!

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