Those people ultimately are just selfish and never matured. Hence the regret and resentment.

Having a kid really changes the way you view the world and also forces you to see things that you kinda know... but also kind of ignore.

Your example is a good one. For the kid to be independant at 20 years old, you have to spend a lot of time teaching and guiding them from a young age. Really put in the effort and you can see the results. You often don't have to wait 20 years, you can see it at developmental milestones. Effort you put in when they are 2 years old, you can easily see effect at 4-5 years old. So-on and so-forth.

Easy to see that effort put into kids, but we often don't see putting that effort into ourselves, to fix or improve ourselves.

If listen from our parents generation, everything you say is true.

However, we are digital generation, more connected than ever. One of the best things about being a parent, is joining parenting groups. A lot of support and understanding from fellow parents, almost non-existant internet toxicity, etc. That's for parent groups means both mom and dad. If looking at just mother groups, the support is even stronger.

So the support structure is there, people are not going to sugar coat what parenthood is like. They will tell you the lows and the highs. What to expect, how to manage your expectations, etc. So normally we will share these communities with parents to be, or people planning to have kids.

Like another forumer here said, people who always have regrets will have regrets about their children as well. Having them is tough, but to regret having them, can only mean you never really bonded with them.

The thing about regret is that its temporal. What might seem like regret now, may no longer be a regret 10 years later, or vice versa.

If they continue to be fence sitting instead of fully accepting their new role, then of course they will regret. This is true in any aspect of life. The problem isn't the children, its the person's own expectation and outlook. As social creatures, serving others/community typically makes us feel better. Self-serving behavior tends to lead to unhappiness in the long run because they will see what they've lost instead of what they can give.

What is "worth it" is of course from person to person, but generally speaking having children is likely the highest form of worth most people will ever experience. Our entire physiological reward system is built around it, would be crazy if it doesn't give you immense fulfilment.

For example, you could say some people don't enjoy sex, but they are in a tiny minority. The vast majority of people would enjoy it, and you enjoy it more when that sexual energy is invested into a long term relationship. Like having sex with a dead fish partner is not as fulfilling as with someone who's 110% into you. Which is why I say its the same thing with raising kids. It only sucks when you don't put in the effort to create a bond with them.

Also, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying everyone should have kids. Its a lifelong commitment, and would be better for everyone if you only did it when you can fully accept the responsiblity of the role. However, using regret as some sort of justification to not have kids is not only quite weak, its a fear based argument that might prevent someone from actually finding something worthwhile that brings them happiness in their life.

Everyone wants to be happy, and they think that's best achieved by avoiding suffering and chasing happiness. End result is normally more suffering on their part, just delayed. In life; Happiness is fleeting, suffering is guaranteed. The only thing that helps sustain you between both, is to have meaning in life. Whether its to serve God, have children, rescue puppies, cure cancer, etc.

Find meaning, happiness follows and suffering becomes tolerable. For most people, this can only be achieved with children. If you decide that children is not your path, just be sure you have something to take its place.

Yes there are many reasons, and your choices are your own, so you shouldn't need to justify it with things like "most people with kids regret it".

My only concern for people who choose not to have kids, is that they better have a really good reason for it. They are basically denying one of your primary biological imperatives. Unless the reason/purpose is stronger than the imperative, they're going to end up in misery.


I'm not saying kids will guarantee happiness. I'm targetting this at people who already have kids and are not happy with them.

Like you said, its not the kid's fault. The problem is with the parent. Here you have a being that starts of entirely devoted and loving to you. So if that bond is broken, its 100% the parent's fault.


Sorry, but there's no such thing as no regrets in life.

Even you can't be certain you won't regret your decisions today, a few decades from now.

For myself, I won't regret having kids, but I may regret not doing enough for them. While you don't want to live a life full of regrets, you can't run away from some of it.

What's yours?