Let's play a scenario. She's tad bit fat, she's a little forgetful, she has a lot of pimples, whatever. On the flip side, she cares for you, she can drive herself and willing to drive you too, she cooks well, she's sensitive to your emotions and a good listener.
All things considered, you decided you want to settle with her.
From then onwards, your commitment to each other begins. Neither of you should accept 3rd party flirtation in any way, and strive to improve both your individual selves and the relationship.
For someone of higher standards to
enter your life, means:
- you allowed the entry. Your resolve/commitment wavered. You can say you tried your best but I suppose when facing someone relentless, you probably slipped up at one point or more, leading to the same conclusion. Note that a simple eye candy or a colleague you talk to at work, doesn't count as "entering your life". You would have to actually harbour the intention to cheat for that to happen.
- your partner's value either stagnated or worsened over time, or that you settled too low due to your own desperation of wanting a partner. What I mean by your partner's "value" is what you enjoy, e.g. what she can contribute to the relationship and you. Perhaps you can't remember the last time she drove you to a date, she was always giving some excuse to make you drive or take Grab yourself. She was taking the relationship for granted.
>> Unfortunately, you can only weed this out by ensuring you find someone who will appreciate the little things and not take things granted.
- lack of change management. Sounds very technical but my point is that, everyone changes over time, so for two persons getting together for
life, change is inevitable. Let me just roughly quote my friend who married his highschool sweetheart when I asked him about this question:
You need to accept the fact that she's going to change, and then embrace it, or work it out together. Yknow, when I first got to know her in primary school, we were just kids. She was this soft spoken little girl. By late secondary school or so, we got together. Then perhaps by my influence, there was this once she suddenly cursed at something in front of me -- I was so shocked, like it shattered my image of her being that sweet angel I knew. But I learned to appreciate that part of her because now we can curse at shit together.>> If your partner has a new trait that you dislike, you gotta let her know so at least she knows that she'll have to do something about it. Otherwise, one day you'll just call it quits because "she's no longer the person you knew".
At the end of the day, I can write theories but practical/reality always has its special add-ons... So how will you ensure that you will never look further? She would have to be perfect, right? But no one is! We each have our own flaws so what makes you think you can find that perfect someone? Perfect for you? So what does that mean to be perfect
for you? To some people, they got it easy, because they have a small checklist. Got hands, got legs, can talk, OK!! Easily fulfilled and even more, wow so much bonus! But to others, they take forever because they think the partner needs to be non smoker, non drinker, can drive, can cook, multilingual, good at finance, same religion, nice family, smart, kind, honest, virgin, long haired, slim, big boobs, long legs, fair skin, ........... See what I mean? But no one can ever tell you what kind of check list to go for! Just like for Ramjade he die die wants the girl to know how to manage her money, he has his points. But to a rich businessman somewhere, he will think, "I can sponsor her life, but I need her to be smart and pretty all the time so I can present her to my business associates".
So I'd say settle, but I don't mean settle for less -- know where your limits are, review your checklist, and go for "just enough". "Repulsive" is a strong yet fitting word to describe what it means to be not enough
as I quote below
On top of it all, the feeling has to be mutual. So to me, I believe there's no way to find someone who's perfect in my books.
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «
My brother in-law is a great cook, so that made me also want the same for my partner. Reality is, when I met my bf back then and learned he can't cook at all, he said he would contribute in other ways. And he sure did. I hate washing dishes but he takes them all 🤠Once, we decided to cook our own dinner together. He managed to cut a few things even though his hands were visibly shaken wielding the knife for the first time.
so at least to me, some of his "bad qualities" can change in time because he committed to change.
If one thinks he "settled" and he could have scored a better chick, then I think he won't stop looking for the "one" that fit every point of his checklist
However, if he thinks he found someone that didn't check all the items on the checklist, but there are some good points that are way above what he has in the checklist, it's not so much of "settling", but finding someone he didn't realise he needs. Then, chances of it lasting would be much higher, cos he won't go back to that arbitrary checklist
I'm a beancounter following the international standards, so I believe in conceptual framework and principles instead of rule based and checklist based method. What you need may change over time, but if there's incompatibility on principles and values, I think that's something that cannot be compromised. For example, maybe both are great with money. One believes that I should earn the money fair and square to sleep tight at night, while the other one thinks it's ok to earn money whatever way as long as I don't get caught. I won't be able to accept the differences because of the values eventhough this partnership will likely prosper
Anyway, I digress, this post is about physical attraction and it's supposed to be appearance only
Dec 2 2022, 06:09 PM
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