Yeah, i still have heavy insomnia attacking even started to exercise lightly , trying to change a bit the way of living see if anything helps though.
Don't know why I was dilemma to go to GH for check up, I will force my self to go on the next holiday, i took a leave thinking to go but in the end i was holding back.

No one will judge you how you wanna exercise, i guess, don't care about how people looking at you, you pay for it , do however you like right?
Anyway i am starting to have light exercise lately but still holding back from going to check-up YET, i have yet having the suicidal thought yet i guess i am still fine?
currently just insomnia , sometimes wake up in the morning but feels a bit hesitate to go out from the house , but works , has to force myself out, and i rarely communicate to collegue unless i have to or that strike any conversation first.

I did try to google , magnesium are great way to heal insomnia , i might try that.

Just go have a check up, even get some advice is good for you. you won't trouble people. they are established for this purpose. don't force yourself. consider it's good for your life. who knows you can change your life positively forever instead of living in stress forever.

i believe your body want you to go but something in your logic resists.

Yea i care more or less or just a tiny bit on how people judge me. but gym is fine since people do their own stuff.

Yet having suicidal thought is not equal to fine. I used to think like that, japanese go suicide so i can hold much longer because I didn't feel like want to suicide. Until my body giving issues then I start to take it seriously. I don't even feel anything wrong with my mental health back then.

I been afraid to sleep for many years. I feel like there is always a very big stone with dark scary energy haunting me. Recently i realize i have extreme mental self harm behavior. And I found who is the stone. It's the stress level i been using all time to gain higher excitement. i been in a very stressful state that i need to find some excitement beyond the stress threshold. I need to make my stress feeling numb to cope with the extreme stress from outside. i cant feel any excitement anymore, thus i need very extreme ones thats motivated by the stress. i even scold myself and cry and get excited from it, since the cry emotion can push the excitement further.

and I thought i was fine. because everything i mentioned been become normal and numb, but my body cant handle it. even my behavior start to become extreme and weird, blaming myself why i need friends, why i cannot lock in my room forever, why human need friends, i am so weak.

After I realize the stone, it vanishes. But when I look back the events (those i used to feel numb already), they are very scary. the emotions been accumulating and i been making myself more numb to the emotions. My unusual fluctuating blood pressure finally drops, and I feel like im a new self. I remember yesterday went mid valley to buy stuff, i look at the name on my credit card, i feel so unfamiliar, but it's a good thing. i gained new life.

This post has been edited by NoobHacker: Apr 13 2022, 11:02 PM