Looking for an avenue to vent out this dark clouds in my head.

Suffering from depression for few years and unable to control it these past few months. Past few days getting bad and already start having suicidal thoughts. I have no one to talk to. Parents are always quarreling, not in good terms with my siblings. Surrounded myself with 1-2 best friends previously but both have abandoned me. Feel very lonely. Now I am just thinking to pass through my daily life, until my parents leave this world and then I will just follow suit. I am very sick.

Reaching 40 yrs old soon, still single. Career wise is okay, just stagnant but money is still coming in - stable career and income wise. Finding it hard to concentrate in work. Gone through some broken relationships. Feel worthless. To the outside world, I am cool and collected but deep inside, I am just so insecure. Anti-social and chronic OCD. I begin to feel that life has no meaning. When I am driving, there are times I wonder why don't I just get into an accident and die.

Just cant seem to shake off this thing inside my mind that keep thinking of the past and bad experiences, keep looping it. Previously I am able to pick up myself but this time, just lapse and keep going deeper and deeper. I don't want to commit suicide but keep thinking about it.