I was at the test screening at Paramount a few weeks back. I was lucky enough to be let in thanks to a connection that didn't initially come through at first. I've been a member of unfiction for quite awhile (since before "Cloverfield" became a phenomenon on this board) but I can't tell you who I am. I'm sorry. I know that everyone will immediately discredit this entire post because of that, but the movie comes out in a little over a month so you don't have to wait long to find out whether or not I'm *beep*

MY CLOVERFIELD REVIEW

I'm not going to be vague in my review like the others have. Quite plainly: If you don't want spoilers, get out now. I was a member of a test panel that included four or five other people that didn't even know what the hell Cloverfield was. (Only one recognized JJ in the opening credits and asked "Is this the LOST movie?") I'm actually kind of upset I let myself be in on this panel, to tell you the truth. So much of this film demands to be seen in a theater with surround sound, the works.

The film opens with HUD adjusting his camera on what I guess is either a tripod or a desk. He explains that he's making a film for Robby who's leaving NY to go to Japan and be a part of Tagruato. He's wearing a Slusho shirt from the webstore. I didn't see any strange hidden things in his room, but I wasn't really focused on that kind of stuff. He says that Robby's gonna be a part of a Slusho presentation this afternoon and that everyone's gonna show up to lend him support. He says that they're gonna trick Robby into thinking this is his celebration/going away party but they really have a surprise party planned later that evening.

Fast forward to the Slusho presentation. Ganu Yoshida is present among a long panel of Japanese representatives. Robby is translating. Robby translates for Ganu that Robby is "part of a team of great, young minds that will lend their talents to making Slusho appealing to American sensibilities." (I'm paraphrasing, of course. I don't remember this speech verbatim.) A couple of reporters in the audience ask Robby about several 'controversies' surrounding Slusho and Tagruato and Robby looks to be caught off guard. He stammers trying to answer and Ganu doesn't offer an answer, or appear to be phased at all by the question. We hear HUD say *beep* under his breath. The reporter presists, asking Robby if he's aware that Tagruato has come under scrutiny for their "deep sea explorations" which many believe to be hazardous. Ganu still says nothing. Robby stammers some more and HUD goes "Come on, man." Robby finally speaks and says that Tagruato has many advisors on their board, and points to one guy, and asks the reporter if she's also heard the theory that competitors are drumming up these theories in order to damage the company. Ganu looks pleased, HUD says "Way to go!" and the camera cuts over to a display table.

PRESENT: HUD, ROBBY, MARLENA, HAWK, BETH.

Two Japanese women are handing out free Slusho. The scene opens with one of the cups nearly eclipsing the camera, as HUD drinks it. Marlena asks for more than one cup. Beth turns down the free Slusho that Robby offers her and he doesn't drink any either. They both seem to be eyeballing each other like something's wrong. Robby asks where Jamie and Lil are and HUD says they're working. (It's later revealed that Lil and Jamie are decorating the apartment for Robby's party and that's why they're not there) Robby then asks if Jamie is still with Teddy. Marlena takes a huge gulp of Slusho, rolls her eyes and says "unfortunately". Nothing else to note here. Except that the Slusho bots are present. They're mechanical and synchronized on a display to dance to the Slusho theme song. There are some TV monitors too which are playing Slusho commercials. (Different from the commercial on slusho.jp - less 'crazy' I guess, and completely animated. The only thing similar to the commercial on the net is that a duck explodes and several Slusho bots come out of it and start dancing.)

Cut to the party. Jamie's standing at HUD's side (probably why she isn't in the trailer) talking about how she can't believe that Teddy didn't come to the party. (subsequently, we never see Teddy in the movie) Marlena walks over and tells Jamie that she's isn't surprised, seeing as how he hasn't kept a date or even been the same person since he came back from his trip. Jamie tells her to stop lecturing her. We hear talking from behind the apartment door and Rob walks in. They yell surprise. A lot of footage from the teaser. HUD walks around to ask people what they wanna say to Rob before he leaves. A lot of the teaser was used, and a lot more is new. Jamie officially becomes annoying. All she does is rattle off about her 'hotness' and blah blah blah. Then she says something about Teddy and HUD shifts the camera away but we can still hear Jamie droning on and on. Everyone's dancing to Wolfmother ("Woman" has been replaced with "Joker and the Thief"). The rumble from the teaser comes after the lyric "as she's standing in a field of clover." (This was the one 'hidden' thing I paid attention to because I love the song) Something flies past the apartment window which prompts everyone to head to the roof. Same "fireball" scene from both trailers. Everyone runs back into the apartment and turns on NY1. Same newscast from the teaser except there's more of it. Jamie won't shut up about wondering if Teddy is OK. Marlena actually turns to her and tells her to shut the *beep* up. Big positive reaction from the test panel.

Another rumble comes from the roof and everyone runs out of the apartment. Jamie tries to reach Teddy on her cellphone. She can't get him so she goes to a Taxi and the camera shifts away from her. Rob wants to know where Beth went. Marlena, Lil and Rob look around from her but can't find her. The statue of liberty head comes down the street, smashing into the Taxi Jamie just got into. Jamie's dead. I don't think I've ever been this happy to see a movie character die.

More and more people come running in from other parts of the city. Police officers arrive to bring everyone to a 'safe place' in the city and ambulences arrive to take away the injured. Long shot of Jamie being taken out of the cab, with something made of metal sticking through her abdomen. We suddenly hear coughing and the camera pans back in the other direction and people are emerging through a cloud of asbestos, very reminiscent of 9/11. One of the police officers orders more medics immediately. HUD turns to Rob and says "Maybe it's over?" Hawk walks over and says "Don't count on it" and points to signal that the national guard has just come in. The camera walks over to them as the last of the "Slusho 7" try to communicate with them. They're ignored. Marlena persists in questioning them. One turns to her angrily and says "Get the *beep* out of the city, go with them" and points to the police officers. They walk over and Marlena is b****ing about the guy's attitude. Something hits a building and we see the monster's face through the asbestos when HUD turns around.

OK. About the monster. It's not Cthulu, it's not a Minotaur, it's not a dinosaur. It's way bigger than any of them. The face is scaly, and looks somewhat human and has red eyes. Completely red. Now comes the national guard firing at it from the trailer. HUD continues to shoot, but the rest of the characters are pulling him away. They get into a police van and Rob asks the officer whether or not a "girl named Beth" has been detained. The police officer says he's not worried about collecting names right now, just getting individuals out of the city. HUD assures Rob that Beth is OK but Rob only tells him to "get that *beep* camera off of me." Marlena is grabbing her stomach. Lil asks what's wrong and Marlena says "It's probably just that *beep* IBS. Every time I'm under a lot of stress, I have to *beep* Hawk mutters "lovely" and all of them laugh, except Rob who's looking out of the windows at people as they pass them by, trying to spot Beth, but he doesn't.

They turn down a street and hear another roar, and catch another glimpse of the monster, and drive in the opposite direction. HUD never seems to be able to turn in time to get a clear shot of it, and we only see its leg stepping on something. They make it to a detainment center where people are being treated for inhaling asbestos and other injuries. A medic walks over and asks if any of them sustained any injuries. Lil says Marlena isn't feeling well. Marlena says "Jesus Lil, I have IBS, do you have to make me announce it to everyone!?" The medic says he wants to observe Marlena anyway. Rob says he has to get to a phone. A medic escorts him and HUD over to one. HUD stands close enough to Rob to hear Beth crying when Rob finally reaches her cellphone. Scene from the trailer. Rob explains to the medic that Beth is trapped under some metal in the city. He proclaims that he's going to find her. Everyone protests. Hawk says "Rob, you've seen what's out there..." and Rob says "I don't care what's out there! Listen to me, she's dying." An officer overhears them talking and says he's not letting anyone out of the detainment center. Rob says "What are you going to do, arrest me? With all of this going on?" The officer says he can't physically arrest him. Rob says "Then I'm going." Marlena runs over, apparently hearing the officer and Rob yell back and forth. Marlena tells Rob he isn't going anywhere and Rob says he is, and whoever doesn't want to is free to stay. HUD and Hawk both tell them they'll go with him. Lil says she will too. The officer says he's going to tag along to make sure they aren't in harm's way. They head for the door. Marlena trails behind, asking what's exactly out there. Officer says "We haven't been able to get a clear look at it... but whatever it is, it's winning." They get outside and Marlena asks "So where's Beth anyway?" Rob says "near the apartment." Marlena yells and says "YOU CAN NOT GO BACK INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY!"

From here, the movie goes into regular suspense mode. More carnage is happening, more unclear glimpses of 'Mr. Grumpypants', yadda yadda. Marlena seems to be getting sicker. At one point she collapses. When she does, we can hear "ROBBY! ROBBY!" coming from nearby. They dig out Beth and head back to the detainment center. Beth is injured, with deep gashes on one of her arms. The officer calls in to lt them know another body has been found but as soon as he does, a car smashes right into him from the sky in what's one of the most brutal kills in a movie I've ever seen. They all look up. The Time Warner building is completely demolished and another roar is heard in the distance. They start walking back to the detainment center and hear strange fluttering noises. They see something, but this time HUD doesn't turn around. They all just run. Marlena says she can't run anymore after a while. Hawk and Lil grab on to her and Marlena drags her feet behind them. They finally get back to the detainment center. Marlena's vomitting and crying blood, hunched over, and we can vaguely see some movement in her stomach. The hazmat guys drag her away quickly. Rob and Beth get a moment to hug and HUD asks Lil what she and Marlena saw behind them. Lil shakes her head and we can hear screaming. HUD pans over to the tarp/curtain Marlena is behind. As he does, we can hear a police report over a walky talky saying "IT'S IN TIMES SQUARE, TIMES SQUARE! GO NOW!" and enforcement runs past HUD who now sees Marlena expanding. She pops and whatever's left of her body falls to the floor. As soon as it does, something rises up and attacks one of the hazmat guys, chewing completely through his neck. The other officers shoots at whatever this 'thing' is and it just jumps from the other officer's body on to his. The remaining "Slusho 7" high tail it. Marlena is dead.

More running, more unclear shots of the monster. They go through the subway in an attempt to flee the city. Something in the subway explodes and knocks HUD down. Rob goes over to pick him back up. HUD is okay, but winded and disorientated. They try to break in to one of the trains and do, but the explosion must have rendered it useless. They exit the subway the opposite side they came in and run right into where the monster is currently wreaking havoc. They run into a convenient store. Scene from the trailer. They're all discussing exit strategies. Rob says "I parked my car down the block... we'll go find my car." "Rob, I've seen it... Rob, it's a loss." Yes, the line is "it's a loss" not "it's alive". Store windows explode and they all try to find a back way to get out of. As they do, a seriously loud crash can be heard. The monster is down and out. They stop to look and HUD zooms in on its face. Scaly, vaguely human, emotionless, large penetrating red eyes. Rob grabs HUD and says "we're leaving." "Where?" Hud asks. "Back to the apartment." HUD says "Good, I hope your bathroom is still there." Everyone looks at each other nervously. They ask HUD a bunch of times if he's OK. He says "Dude, I had Wichcraft and Slusho today. Can you imagine what that does to your stomach? If I explode, the only thing coming out of me is Slushbots." No one seems to find it funny.

They get back to the apartment which is completely demolished. Windows, everything. Lil and Hawk walk around trying to call other people from the party. No one answers. Lil breaks down and says she can't believe two of her best friends have died in one day. "At least that thing is dead," Hawk says and holds her. HUD makes a break for the bathroom and we follow him in. He takes a *beep* shooting himself in the bathroom mirror. He's laughing over the fact that he's in the bathroom taking a video of himself *beep* From underneath the lens we can see blood trickling down. HUD pulls the camera away, refocuses it and see blood dripping from his eye. HUD gets up, pulls up his pants and goes into where the living room used to be. They're huddled around someone from the party who was trapped in the apartment. (she looks a lot like Marlena but isn't) She's crying blood like Marlena. They look over and see HUD crying blood as well. HUD's fading fast and Rob and Beth run over to him. The camera goes down to HUD's feet and splashes of blood are smattering on the floor. The camera comes back up, and the woman from the party is expanding. Lil and Hawk get up to run but only Lil makes it away. The woman pops. Small monsters that look reptilian jump out and attack Hawk. HUD starts to expand now. Rob and Beth run for one closet while Lil runs for another. Hawk and HUD are dead, but not before Rob can grab HUD's cam.

Beth and Rob hold the door back to keep the smaller monsters out. Rob's wrist gets bitten and he shuts the door on the tiny monster's head which decapitates it. A gun shot comes from outside, the door stops banging. Rob and Beth come out and Lil says she took the gun from the dead officer. We hear a cop yelling from outside, who apparently heard the gunshots. He tells them to evacuate now. They comply and ask the cop if the monster's dead. "I haven't heard anything," he says. Rob, still with the camera, says "That's a good thing right?" The cop shrugs. "Just means either it's dead or they are." Rob says he saw it lying there dead. The cop doesn't answer. He says they're getting in a hellicopter. They're transporting as many survivors out of the city as possible. "How many are alive?" Beth asks. The cop says not many are.

Hellicopter scene. Despite their protests, Lil and Rob are loaded into a different hellicopter than Beth. Beth looks out at Rob as the plane takes off. Rob's in the copter, no one wants to look at the camera. All of a sudden we hear a big familiar roar. Monster's back. He swatted the copter with enough force to send it spiraling. Lil falls out of the copter. Lil is dead. The pilot gains control as the copter is about to land on the bridge. Rob and a few survivors run out, but the monster grabs the copter, which still has the pilot in it, between his teeth. First real clear shot of the monster. It looks possessed, angry, *beep* crazy. Its teeth look like machetes and its eyes are now a darker red than before.

The other copter comes back and Beth runs over to Rob, grabbing him and bringing him to the other copter which is quickly grabbing the survivors. Before they can run over to them, the bridge is being snapped in half. They run in the opposite direction. Time lapses. They run into central park and hide. They don't profess their love for each other or anything corny. They hug and Rob can see that the camera's batter is getting low. He grabs it before it does and starts his "My name is Robert Hawkins" jargon. "Everyone's dead," he says. He pans the camera over to Beth, then back to himself and says "As far as I can see, we're the only ones who have survived. But if you found this..." Beth takes the camera away from Rob and sets it down. A few moments of Beth nursing Rob's injuries. Suddenly they can hear the monster approaching them, shaking the ground, yadda yadda. It gets closer and Beth screams. Rob embraces her. The camera's battery dies. End of movie.

MY GRADE: 8 out of a possible 10 Slusho's. The movie was *beep* great, lived up to the hype and a sequel is very doable.

A FEW OTHER NOTES:

* I've missed some things. Sorry. I tried to recall as much as I could for this post.
* "Rob's Awesome" girl, credited as "Karen", is Margot Farley.
* I didn't recognize any names of any other characters except for Karen and the Slusho 7.
* There are smaller monsters which are technically parasites though they don't take prescedant over the main one.
* There is some character development, at least in the case of Beth and Rob.
* Jamie has no place in this movie. Typical "red shirt".
* Most of the trailer and teaser show events in sequence, though the teaser has been redone to show things happening in a different sequence. Could be a result of some being reshot for the trailer.
* Ganu Yoshida is listed only as "Ganu" and "Danno Jo" is also listed though it's never made clear who on the panel he is.
* It's insinuated that the Slusho at the presentation was tainted. It's never explained why though. Maybe an explanation reserved for the Tagruato site?
* I swear I don't work for Bad Robot, but I do have another account here. The test screening was weeks ago but I hesitated to post this review because I anticipated skepticism. Hope at least some of you found this useful

This post has been edited by Sensui: Dec 22 2007, 02:07 PM