i dont know why but one day i feel all happy and positive and normal but the next, it just creeps on me without any warning , i cant even get out of bed , i skip classes throughout the week, i cant even describe the feeling but its unbearable i have to resort to alchohol or even drugs just to get through this phase before things go back to normal , but then it always comes back without warning . I dont know if this is clinical depression or what, but I have been feeling like this since I was twelve, and now im 23. I never told anyone about this until recently, it just keeps getting worse . i told my close friend ,and he says i may have clinical depression, but i never seen a theraphist to properly diagnose myself or told anyone about it, i cant even afford therapy im just a student barely making ends meet. this "conditiion" is terrible when it happens i cant do anything but lay in bed , cutting myself , self loathing, getting intoxicated just to get through the phase, its affecting my work , i have alot of assigments and other work due, but cant get it done , just being distracted and lethargic ... infact when i dont feel like this / this " depressed" state of mind"  i cant even talk about it or open up to anyone, but when i do feel like it, i have to get intoxicated or high just to even touch this subject... this is the first time i've ever opened up to a stranger because, to the few people ive told about my situation , it always ends with, to " seek help" and i dont know how. i cant afford therapy or seek professional help . i cant tell my family ,i am estranged from them. i dont know what else to do i've only told 2 of my close friends, because this is a touchy subject for me but i usually just live with it , but its getting too bad.. to a point its affecting my circadian rhythms, i.e. studies and  other daily tasks, im cutting more and more just out of self loathing and hatred ... i apologize if my sentences are incoherent.. being intoxicated is the only way i am able to open up like this. if not i'd just keep it bottled up inside its driving me insane.
i keep a box full off my blood stains from cutting covered with tissue, i dont know why i do this but its an involuntary action , i cant explain it . i dont know what kind of help i should i get i just dont get it why involuntarily do these things.

i have a bad habbit to involuntarily hate or loathe people and destroy relationships after a certain period of time ... first it was my family members, like during my childhood i was very close to them then i eventually became estranged , and started to hate them or not be as close with them as i used to for no reason , i dont know whats wrong with me . same thing goes with friends, like at first we are very close and stuff but after a period of time it just happens, the same thing with my family , i dont know why after a period of time i involuntarily loathe people or even start to hate them for no apparent reason, it happens to anyone i involve myself with , even my past relationships with girls, i just cant return the feeling of "love" or compassion, like they treat me good and love me and all , and i just can't help it but to feel the same way, i try to but i just cant i dont know why... its just a tendency to destroy relationships , i dont know how to explain it...

does anyone at all experience or know anyone who is experiencing the same thing?
tldr;
in a nutshell i feel like my experience is best explained simiarly to Bojack Horseman's, if anyone is familliar with it.
and i dont know how to get better


i dont know why but the sight of my blood oozing out calms me down