Hello, everyone. I’m a chinese student studying pure science in matriculation. I frequently have thoughts of suicide, followed by manic episodes where i cry and cry and think of jumping off a building in my college.. or drowning myself in the lake. Morbid i know, which is why i seek help. I’ve always been a rather depressed person, for about a year now. My episodes intensified after entering college but ive always had panic attacks every so often.

Here’s my story, I got 8A+ in spm 2017. Not getting straight A+ in itself made me extremely sad and hopeless. During spm i suffered a tumultuous relationship with a side of infidelity. Yeah, i know students arent supposed to date, but i always felt it comforting to have one person close to me than many. So being backstabbed, with my lover atm cheating on me with my classmate made me very disoriented those pre spm days. We fought often and hard, but being as accepting as i am i always forgave my lover in the end. I remember sleeping 3-4 am before my sejarah paper because we fought. But even those days were better than now. (I got A+ for sejarah yalls dont worry.bm fked my bum)

Fast forward, got rid of that toxic person and found another by surprise(infidelity!) and I love this person very much and this person is the only thing keeping me going. Ive always thought myself to be an intelligent person with ambition. I wanted to be a doctor-turned-astronaut like Dr Sheikh Muszaphar. fun fact he came to my highschool!

For a while i went to a private college to do a levels. I was rejected by matriculation twice(i didnt really want to go anyway) I did a levels for a week or so (paid 10k+, with a fullscholarship) (they refund after ur education is done ) before i was called by moe with an offer to do matriculation. I would not have been swayed if a levels did not torment me so. I had to take 3 hrs of public transport everyday to reach my college(back and forth) so i just gave into matriculation. Reason being, that lrt ride is too long n my dad wouldnt put me in a hostel, and i wanted to study in malaysia at this point anyway. Yada yada go to this matriculation college and life is hell. Teachers are racist, classmates r unfriendly and the other chinese here look down on us ‘special intake students’. So that coupled with living alone and so far away for the first time crippled me terribly. They slit us special intake in a month and a half after college started. Imagine, having to keep up around all these negative and unhelpful people, i am fortunate to have some kind friends, but the majority of people are really honestly bad people to be acquainted with. One instance is my classmate slapping my book away when i was trying to study and saying ‘Tak yah study la’. Um, yeah for u. But guess whos not a coddled bumiputera who came in the first batch with mediocre results? Me. Of course, i cant say this out loud because im a weak pussy who always plays peacekeeper. So i laugh and shrug off these weak attempts of masked bullying.
Another event i distinctly remember is taking an mc for a day (i get sick often, in fact in the close to two montjs ive been in matrix ive been sicker than i have been the past 8 years or so. ) Numerous food poisoning cases affecting not only me, fevers, flus. The overpriced food infested with flies really gets to you. So being sick i rested for the day, i checked with my class group and there is no mention of homework ( the one that i needed to do ), only other menial homework. Bla bla u know what happens my teacher decides it was ok to say ‘i have a problem’ to the whole class w/o listening to my reasoning or looking at my proof. Ive already had a chat w the counselor abt my problems, but that dude seems to look down on mental illness, when i told him all the things i go through (crying, puking) he just shrugged it off as ‘kenapa begitu, jgn risau’ la what the heck.. So he gave me half assed career advice and pushed me out.
So.. well tldr im depressed. I went to a new college with high hopes and end up wishing i could turn back time and continue doing a levels..The actions of my classmates n teachers demotivate me so much. I can barely study. And i pretty much just wanna die. I consulted my parents on whether they would let me take foundation elsewhere but they told me to stay. Im stuck

I feel for you. Just hang in there. Look for other friends to hang around or online. Just keep your mind off these thoughts. We all have been there.

Soldier on and you will have the last laugh.

Maybe your parents just don't understand what you're going through. They should read this post themselves and evaluate on it further.

Communication with your parents and loved ones are your priorities in this case

all part of growing up it'll all pass, so don't fret or reflect too much at this point .... you've at least another 70+ years to go so just focus on creating good memories !

short term:
1. visit a large bookshop and lookup or get a book on teen mental health, helps to know you're not alone and there are simple ways to cope
2. exercise / go for a walk outdoors when you need to clear your head
3. learn to talk to your partner, instead of fighting. assuming you're both the same age, things can get hot-headed and hurtful very quickly I'd suggest putting in a code word that both parties can "postpone" the convo until things have cooled.

Any reason why your parents want/prefer you to stay where you are at?

IMO what you're experiencing now is just a fraction of what you're about to face after you graduate & start working. When money, bonus, promotion, career & future is at stake, you'll see how nasty people could be when competing for it. When they can't out-do the competition, they'll pull their competitor down below their level. So, instead of running away all the time, the better & long term solution would be to learn how to manage this instead. You can step back, catch your breath & then go in & bite the bullet. Just don't keep running away from it all the time, a victim will remain a victim unless s/he step up to stand their ground & fend off their predators.

For your bullying case, be brave & stand up against those bullies. Playing a goodie two shoes peacemaker just sucking up punches, hoping they'll get tired 1 day is just gonna encourage more punches from your bullies in the future. You can avoid them, but if they put up a good effort to look for you & bully you, then there's no escaping that. They need to know that you're no easy prey & that they need to stop bullying you.

For the unhygienic food, take videos or photos if possible & report it to the local town council or Ministry of Health. Like the Raj Banana Leaf case, if you're right, people will support you & actions will be taken against the wrong doers. If you're merely exaggerating, then hardly anyone will support you.

For everything, there's a proper place & channel to report it. Just need to be clear whether whatever you're reporting is justified or merely exaggeration.