Hello, everyone. I’m a chinese student studying pure science in matriculation. I frequently have thoughts of suicide, followed by manic episodes where i cry and cry and think of jumping off a building in my college.. or drowning myself in the lake. Morbid i know, which is why i seek help. I’ve always been a rather depressed person, for about a year now. My episodes intensified after entering college but ive always had panic attacks every so often.

Here’s my story, I got 8A+ in spm 2017. Not getting straight A+ in itself made me extremely sad and hopeless. During spm i suffered a tumultuous relationship with a side of infidelity. Yeah, i know students arent supposed to date, but i always felt it comforting to have one person close to me than many. So being backstabbed, with my lover atm cheating on me with my classmate made me very disoriented those pre spm days. We fought often and hard, but being as accepting as i am i always forgave my lover in the end. I remember sleeping 3-4 am before my sejarah paper because we fought. But even those days were better than now. (I got A+ for sejarah yalls dont worry.bm fked my bum)

Fast forward, got rid of that toxic person and found another by surprise(infidelity!) and I love this person very much and this person is the only thing keeping me going. Ive always thought myself to be an intelligent person with ambition. I wanted to be a doctor-turned-astronaut like Dr Sheikh Muszaphar. fun fact he came to my highschool!

For a while i went to a private college to do a levels. I was rejected by matriculation twice(i didnt really want to go anyway) I did a levels for a week or so (paid 10k+, with a fullscholarship) (they refund after ur education is done ) before i was called by moe with an offer to do matriculation. I would not have been swayed if a levels did not torment me so. I had to take 3 hrs of public transport everyday to reach my college(back and forth) so i just gave into matriculation. Reason being, that lrt ride is too long n my dad wouldnt put me in a hostel, and i wanted to study in malaysia at this point anyway. Yada yada go to this matriculation college and life is hell. Teachers are racist, classmates r unfriendly and the other chinese here look down on us ‘special intake students’. So that coupled with living alone and so far away for the first time crippled me terribly. They slit us special intake in a month and a half after college started. Imagine, having to keep up around all these negative and unhelpful people, i am fortunate to have some kind friends, but the majority of people are really honestly bad people to be acquainted with. One instance is my classmate slapping my book away when i was trying to study and saying ‘Tak yah study la’. Um, yeah for u. But guess whos not a coddled bumiputera who came in the first batch with mediocre results? Me. Of course, i cant say this out loud because im a weak pussy who always plays peacekeeper. So i laugh and shrug off these weak attempts of masked bullying.
Another event i distinctly remember is taking an mc for a day (i get sick often, in fact in the close to two montjs ive been in matrix ive been sicker than i have been the past 8 years or so. ) Numerous food poisoning cases affecting not only me, fevers, flus. The overpriced food infested with flies really gets to you. So being sick i rested for the day, i checked with my class group and there is no mention of homework ( the one that i needed to do ), only other menial homework. Bla bla u know what happens my teacher decides it was ok to say ‘i have a problem’ to the whole class w/o listening to my reasoning or looking at my proof. Ive already had a chat w the counselor abt my problems, but that dude seems to look down on mental illness, when i told him all the things i go through (crying, puking) he just shrugged it off as ‘kenapa begitu, jgn risau’ la what the heck.. So he gave me half assed career advice and pushed me out.
So.. well tldr im depressed. I went to a new college with high hopes and end up wishing i could turn back time and  continue doing a levels..The actions of my classmates n teachers demotivate me so much. I can barely study. And i pretty much just wanna die. I consulted my parents on whether they would let me take foundation elsewhere but they told me to stay. Im stuck