I've been into many different type of women and different type of relationship in this past 17 years since I'm dated.
So many things changes and right now I'm in the middle of divorce with my wife due to some reason and leaving my 1.5 years old daugther with her.

I'm not saying that my experience or advise will be a good example for guys out there but trust me, I would say that I understand and able to read what kind of person a women / girl by the way she talk, respond, etc.

The last one (ex wife) Is the only person who opened up my eyes that no matter what you might not see it coming. Which I though the is the most understanding, she is the one, etc. But after few months analyzing it and discuss it with my sister and I would say she is showing that symptoms and I did not see it coming, and my sis saw it but did not alert me.

you may post your questions (prefer something related with your relationship or yourself) and I will try answer it from my point of view.
Or if you want to ask about mine I will try to answer it as well, If i wanted to.

1. Always check how your spouse treating/talk their parents. and check with the reality.
2. How your spouse handle a conflict/disagreement with her family, colleague or friends.
3. How she listen to someone she trust and from her inner circle (family / spouse)
4. Few other long list to prevent further problem that you did not think it will happen to you.

Good luck!

you give those point but didnt elaborate with your stories...so what am i suppose to do or to ask?

Either you be explicit or close this thread

LOL. it's a very long story and I'm not good writer. so if anyone ask I will try to answer

I would add:
How she talks to people like the maid, the waiter, the cleaner as well.

I was once told if someone chewed with their mouths slightly open, they would not treat anyone with respect.

Also, please check if your family and mindsets are compatible. You can't be someone who is educated and a bit atas, but marry a guy from a family of rubber tappers/ labourers. Harsh, but it is the truth. I have seen this. It was the best advice my parents gave us as well.

I have a friend who dated a guy for 4 years before she married him. So many warning signs. I warned her. She still went ahead.

He verbally abused her, tormented her. She is 2 years older than him, and much more educated, had an amazing high ranked job at a big firm.

She married down a class. He was insecure. She had a miscarriage with her 2nd pregnancy and her MIL blamed her. Stupid. She took her 2 year old daughter and left after that. They're overseas now, and she's working there. Away from him and his toxic family. She is so much happier.

Should someone buy a property on ownself before getting married with the thought of finding someone to marry later and stay at the said property?

In your case what will happen to the properties you have after the divorce?

If you able to afford before marriage yes you better buy it. but if you are gonna pay the monthly installment using combined income you will have to share it with your wife, unless you pay it yourself and make a prenuptial agreement.

For me a car that i paid in full before marriage, and a house in my hometown still belongs to me. and I bought a car for her, paid in full and she took it and rent it out to her friend.

Good point! some of your point relevant to me but not entirely same. My ex wife had miscarriage twice, that is the reason I asked her to quit working or work from home as freelancer. She obtain a master degree and I'm only diploma. she accused my mother killed her baby during her pregnancy, she felt unhappy towards my family, which used to be the opposite, etc etc etc

May I ask what happened with these three points between you and your ex wife?

1. Always check how your spouse treating/talk their parents. and check with the reality.
2. How your spouse handle a conflict/disagreement with her family, colleague or friends.
3. How she listen to someone she trust and from her inner circle (family / spouse)

Because I'm planning to get married earliest next year and any kind of tips or advice would be a huge help for me

This post has been edited by iskandar94: May 7 2018, 12:39 AM

Do you mean your spouse is very rude in treating/talking to people? Including to parents?

But somehow, I can relate your point to my previous relationship where it does happen to me as well.
I wouldn't say she is totally rude to people but at first, I always tell her not to call people names and try to talk nicely to her parents.
Eventually, she did change after all.

And based on what I heard from my family, family upbringing is very important as well.
I used to not believe what they said until I really experienced it myself.
My family is very close to each other and compared to my ex, hers is not.
So she can't truly understand why my family bonding is so close.
Now, my present relationship, I wouldn't say our family upbringing is 100% the same but one thing for sure is she understand why is family bonding is important,
so at least, she won't feel weird if I talk to my mum on the phone for 1 hour plus. LOL

This post has been edited by littlealan00: May 7 2018, 10:30 AM

was the miscarriage that change everything and gradually lead to divorce?
so the change of her character, behavior or symptom are from a single grudge or there are strings of event happen in your house that your wife and your mum clash that makes her unhappy while being pregnant?

Hi bro, Happy to know your plan and I wish you all the best. Please take note that whatever I wrote her is purely opinion/advise based on personal experience and I'm not a certified professional or counsellor.
Each person have their own identity, habit attitude, etc.

1. She scolded her mom in front of my eyes until she cried and kept scolding.
Reason: Her mom arrived in KLIA, and we picking her up by waiting in the car (pick up area) without knowing it's gonna be such a long waiting time (more than 2 hours) we were hungry but hesitate to eat in KLIA2 because we worry she will get lost, and we are unable to contact her phone.
After almost 3 hour of waiting her mom come out safely with exhausted and panic expression. She waited in long queue of KLIA2 immigration without any access to local number or internet access. she unable to contact us. so when she seated in the car that is the time my ex wife started questioning her mom and scolding until she cried, and it did not stop her from scolding until I have to shut her up by raising my tone and saying enough! It's not her fault that she have to waited. her finger nail also broke because trying to peel open the phone battery cover. so stop it. everybody tired.

2. Her parents (dad & mom) did not talk with each other for almost 7 years. and yet they are still living together in the same house but different room.
When we got to know each other I talked about it with her and explain how I did not want to be in the same position and I will rather divorce if I know that we don't get along well with each other.
She is the type that will be good with whoever on her side and also keep distance with whoever disagree with her.
e.g: before we get married, her father kinda disagree, so she keep distance with her father and turn to her mom. she need my family to like her so she treat my family very good and very friendly. such a wonderful nice and sweet little sister (my elder sisters said)
She felt hurt by someone (best friend and also ex colleague) who talked bad about her behind her back, and no matter how many times that person say sorry and wish to meet her and fix things up, she will avoid it. and she expect the surrounding inner circle also to treat her the same.

3. Back in those beautiful day she will listen to me, my family, saying how grateful she is, etc. after few years she can be such ungrateful person and will always think negative towards every single little thing. Always think the opposite of what I'm thinking and make it into a very strong statement, underlined, bold.
e.g: She used to brag how she like spicy food and how she like sambal with every dishes. last weeks before our marriage ended, she scolded me because i offer her and ask her to eat a spicy mix fruits. and she scolded me by saying: You know i cant stand spicy!! I'm like WTH? Is she having mental problem or delusional?

Well that is some of my story. she might disagree with it but I'm telling the truth from my point of view.

She can be very sweet and can be very rude. depending on her mood and how she felt towards that person. I can say she is having anger management problem

be a responsible father even after divorce bro, pay alimony to support your daughter.
i kesian your daughter but not you.
dun get me wrong im not judging you for your divorce with your wife.

Could be. but I would say the miscarriage is not really a bad miscarriage.

Miscarriage 1: She use a test pack and turn out Positive result. But few weeks after that she is having her period.

Miscarriage 2: We already plan for our Europe Trip, and my mom come along (she is a single mother so I want to make her happy as well because this is gonna be the first time holiday to europe for my mom and wife. At that time I can afford to pay everything so I've paid most of it in advance.
1 week before our departure date, we found out she is pregnant and we go for a check up in hospital. The gynae said that the "kantung" is there but the fetus have yet to be seen. give it more time. Dr. said.
2 days before departure we check again and results still the same and Dr said that if anything happened during your trip, please admit to hospital. and we agreed.
Background:
The Dr handling her is the same Dr. handling her during our trial to have a baby for the past 15months. she knows that my ex very emotional person towards this issue so she will be very careful in arranging her word. I really hope the Dr telling straight to the point that It's very slim chance that it will be healthy pregnancy due to the fetus is not visible yet!

After we return from our 2 weeks trip everything still ok, until 1 week after that when she was in the toilet, she bled out the "kantung" and I rush her to hospital for observation.
She is very sad that time and I'm there to comfort her, telling her that everything is okay. however my mom quite unhappy with it and tend to talk sarcastically about her ability to have a baby. until I decided that she have to resign and rest at home.

Fast forward 6 months after that she pregnant.

Unhappy, grudge, etc is normal.
I understand my mom is the one who raised me and want the best for his only son.
I understand my wife unhappy knowing that sometimes I'm not on her side, because If my mom is wrong i will tell my mom is wrong and if my wife is wrong, she wont accept it coz no matter what as a husband i should treat her as partner and on her side. (she did mention that to me)

probably should get a second opinion if unsure about the fetus. they could get emotional to agitated when it comes to miscarriage. furthermore your mum triggers and agitate her, and you are in the middle of both tigers.
but then shouldn't have ask to choose whose the priority as its kind of selfish and immature. she did told you but you chose to ignore her because you wanted to see if she would change for you and for the sake of family? turns out that she didn't budge at all right? yang mengalah always is you.
ever since she had miscarriage, everyone but her is the enemy. temperamental over small issue. she choose to close her heart in, you can't do much either. move on.

LOL.. yes i trf RM 1500/mth for a 1.5year old baby. on top of that i pay her educational insurance and also pay extra few hundred allowance for her clothing every 2-3 months.
In return for that. I did not get any update from my daughter growing up process, no pic, no video call.

Yes, but she insist to hear only what she want. when i reminded her, she will say that I am delusional and ask me go to doctor.
She even tell my whole family sick and delusional and we need to go to doctor (in front of both of my sis and also my mom)

hence divorce might be a good call since she is not sound of mind. and especially if both of you has kid, it could affect the kid as well.

To be Honest I can't stop thinking about my daughter, but slowly i divert my mind by wishing and praying the best for her also her happiness.
In the end what we are looking for in a marriage is happiness. and I feel that I deserve that happiness.

Thanks for your opinion and wisdom

good for you bro!
but its sad your not updated on her welfare.

Why does this sound like me? Lol. I do not have a really good relationship with my family. But not as serious as your ex-wife I guess. I have questions not that related to your first post I guess.. just want some 3rd party opinion.

So I have a boyfriend, been together for almost 6 years. We are currently in a long distance relationship for 3 years, sometimes I would go to west malaysia to meet with him. I'm hoping to migrate to west malaysia in the coming years.

Actually, my parents still didn't know that we are in a relationship as my parents wouldn't allow it. They prefer to choose a rich partner for me. My boyfriend is a grab driver, doesn't like office work. I'm not sure how to introduce my boyfriend to my family.. as he is not rich. He is living with his grandmother. He bought a car not long ago. We have no plans yet. How can I convince my parents about this? And I am not sure about making plans with my bf together as sometimes I have doubts myself. (If he is serious in this relationship or not)

How did you make plans with your ex-wife? Or did you plan everything yourself?

Yes, but good news she sent me a picture and short video after i request for it through Line msgr. but she replied like a day after.

6 Years is a long time I'm, amaze both of you can handle a 3 years long distance relationship quite well.
1. You should be open to your parents no matter what is the consequences. Many parents will of course prefer their kids to marry someone with financial freedom (not necessarily rich) free to buy house, buy car, buy anything you want (JK) But I can't blame them for that. most people including myself will need security or assurance. but some people will be assured after get to know the person in real life.
The reason why my ex father doesnt agree with our relationship is because we are not the same religion and she has to convert to my religion (I'm a Muslim) but I still do respect his father, ask for his blessing even he disagree, go to his house, talk nicely, bring my family to her house and meet with her father and also grand mother.
His father didnot attend our wedding ceremonial and wedding party. He refused, but her grandma attend. and she fully embrace me to be part of their family. I let my her go to visit her family to celebrate Christmas even though I'm not joining and her father appreciate that and slowly began to embrace me as well, and even gave me a watch as late wedding gift.
The point is: As long as your partner able to convince your family that he is a responsible person, hard working, and also will ensure that you will live happy and good life. The point of view will slowly change and financial will be secondary.
My family is not rich. My dad passed away since 1999 when i was in high school. My siblings much more richer than me. In fact I am nothing to compare to them, but that doesnt mean I will take advantage or burden them with my problem especially financial issue. But if they offer some help and yes I will gladly accept.
Convincing a parents will take time. But genuine feeling will be very appreciated and last longer. the attachment of mother and their children are very strong. U might be able to hide it, but somehow a parent will notice it but doesnt want to kepo only.

2. You have no plans yet. In my honest opinion, for a 6 years relationship that is quite dangerous for both of you.
- You will get older and when a female get older the chance and risk for pregnancy getting higher. at the same time the risk of being able to support your kids to go through higher education will be very limited.
- You will get comfortable of the existing situation until you feel that It's okey to let it flow. But is this really what you and your partner want?
- Denial of start talking about the future perhaps because u aware that he might not have enough saving or working towards the future that is why you didnt even bother or maybe hesitate to discuss about it. But you should start and see what is his reaction and his opinion about the relationship you are guys having.
- Sometimes I do feel that Marriage is just a status, in fact someone can be much more happier without even need to get married. But my understanding is leaning towards having a person that I am very comfortable to be on my side and also someone who can accept me for what I am. obviously my partner will expect the same. Second is to have a children and bring joy, happiness and share the best we can to the inner circle we have in this world.

My planning very simple. perhaps thats imple become a boomerang to my relationship.
I had enough of Years of BF/GF which ended up nowhere. I had enough of all the fake and expectation that a girl put towards me.
Suddenly i met this girl (Long lost hi bye friend) who I suddenly felt that she is the one because she is so understanding and able to accept for who I am, how is my family, and a very positive, happy, energetic person.
That time she has no savings, in fact I am the one who gave her a job in the company I work for.
and I have very little savings due to decent commitment I need to pay for mom allowance, mom's car installment, etc etc.

I ended up with finding extra side job here and there, and thankfully my sister able to get a good side job for me and enough to cover 3/4 of my wedding expenses.
She plans what she need to plan, and I come out with the money.
I spent total around RM 60K for wedding in her hometown and also in Malaysia. and I got back RM 3K for angpow and we use it to buy a huge 4 doors fridge! hahahaha.
My money back to 0, but I'm happy because sometimes life is simple. our expectation is the one that make it complicated.

The key point:
- Sincerity: You and your partner need to be sincere, good faith, i called it ketulusan hati.
- Communication: With partner, parents and in law (communicate it in a good way and positive tone)
- Treat people like how you want to be treated
- Be yourself and don't be hypocrite. I can say my ex wife is a hypocrite or have some mental issue. it's like the opposite of the person I know.
- Responsible: For husband to provide basic family necessity (housing, foods, some entertainment, clothing, pay bills) and also trust, love and attention moderately
If your BF doesn't like office work and prefer to be a Grab driver it is fine, as long as that occupation he is taking it seriously, he able to earn more than office job, etc also enough to cover the basic like what I have mentioned above.
But if the actual real reason for him to prefer Grab than office ls because he is not qualify, low self esteem, then you should becareful. Because he is just lying about his inability and boost himself up to pretend as if Grab is his choice instead of his inability to secure a decent job. However it is still good that he work his way to meet his end month meet.

Talking about end month meet also leading to another different problem.
1. What happen if he fall sick and unable to GRAB
2. What happen if car involve in accident and he unable to GRAB
3. what happen if car broke down for major repair and he doesn't have money to repair it?
If he able to manage his money very well by Grabbing, It is a sign that he is good responsible person and perhaps he should look into opening his own business instead doing GRAB.

I was a freelancer and eventually become a small time entrepreneur during my empty career in the corporate world. the genuine reason: The salary they offer me is not enough to cover the monthly expenses (besar pasak daripada tiang) So like it or not I do freelance, and as the business grow with more customer I start hiring people, but when business is bad I start selling my fancy stuff in order to be able to pay my staff salary. (Bad money management, but good responsibility)
In the end an offer with decent salary arrived and I decided to leave my small business behind and re join the corporate. Because at least I can calculate and cover my basic expenses and find the extra elsewhere.
With that I'm brave enough to start a family.

Hope my answer able to give you some valuable insight and also enlighten you from another perspective.

My question to you: Are you willing to live in his Grandma's House and also help to support family expenses, or even his meal?

omg, this thread makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel like getting into marriage.
My parents are the same, not getting along for many years. Some shit happen in front of my eyes when I was young. They still lives together but separate room. Thats why I always don't feel secure getting into any relationship, only ONS and Cheong my whole life.


This post has been edited by ajibescobar: May 8 2018, 08:29 PM

I'm sorry to know that bro.

I decided to ended it because other than to pursue my happiness and her happiness, I want my kids wont need seeing all this unnecessary things drama in the house.
Perhaps will tell a white lie until she is big enough to understand the actual situation.

However don't let it stop you from finding your true forever partner.

Did woman often change their personality after marriage? I heard that a lot, how do you decide to Her attitude based on ur criteria before marriage if they will always change after that

This I can't answer, But If I flashback like I mentioned in the first post. Do not judge only on how she treat you, but also how she treat with her family and surrounding.
That is the things which i thought.. naaahhh small matter. as long she treat me good. and it turn out I become a stranger for her

they might fake treating ur family well, after marriage different case lol

But usually can't faking treating their own family. How you should respect your in law when you cant even respect ur own rite?

very informative advice.

Just like how men treats a lady like a gentlemen during the lovey dovey time, after that its all back to his real self.

Like i said. a partner might be able to pretend and doing all the best during wooing or BF/GF relationship. Some even neglect their family, disobey their family put your partner no. 1 om top of everything in this world.

What happened to me was:
She used to put me no. 1 until we finally have a child.
She is very possessive toward our child and trying her best and over insecure of our child well being until she is way too over protective to our child.
Impact:
- Won't listen others advise, not even her my mom, her mom, her grandma the one she used to admire and praise about her way of raising children and manage a family.
- Read too much info which put negativity into her brain about dangerous things or substance.
- Treat own husband as if a toxic.
- Won't let ppl even family to carry with the kids. (Last time even scolded me for carrying my own kids, until i scold her: " Why you are exaggerating? is she my child or not? "

Again. she might fake towards partner, but if you open your eyes and not blinded by love you will be able to see many things to consider (and perhaps discuss it over that issue)
Lead her before It's too late, because I never really try hard to correct her, instead I'm trying too much to understand the hormone changes, etc etc.

Marriage or having children is not for everyone. That is why we see or hear so many screw up cases (physical/mental abuse of spouses, adultery, divorces, etc). We just need to ask ourselves, are we husband/wife material, are we going to give 100% into the marriage relationship and be there for the partner including during hard time, do we have bad character/habits. I believe deep inside our heart, we know the answer but as human beings, we always see people's fault but not our own's fault.

If we see successful relationship, they almost always have similar traits which is not selfish, and willing to work hard in relationship. If we are selfish, or not able to get along with people, then I think the answer is clear, no need to go into a marriage. You end up torturing yourself, your partner and also the partner's family with your bad character or selfishness.

I see people with bad temper get married, and end up always blaming/scolding the husband, and the husband's family have to be so patient and tolerant of the bad temper wife, just to avoid drama at home.

Marriage is not a must. If you yourself is a good character person, then try find a good character person too. Not those with bad habits/characteristics. But if yourself have some issue yourself, better change/improve yourself first before committing to any relationship. Dun menyusahkan orang lain.

When people first start dating, guys or girls will show their best self. Get to know more about them, be friends first, before committing further. All relationship is sweet the first few months, but after few years, we will all be tired or angry sometimes with our partner. So at the very least, choose someone who have good characters whom we can tolerate even during their moody times. Better be single than married but live in different room/always unhappy marriage/ often late home due to tired of the partner.

We only have one life. Do not need to follow society's expectation if that is not what you want. Happiness is always in your hand.

That's why when a girl read too much stuff on the internet and believe them blindly, it'll be huge turn off for me.
Btw don't you worry about leaving your daughter with her? Her upbringing would be messed up, and she might turn into same or worse person than her.
I knew that because of how abusive my aunt was, and all the bullshit she spew onto us. Messed me a little until these days, I wonder how were my cousins.

Now she is living back with her parents, and I am following up the update via her mother. I hope everything is fine. I put a clause in my divorce paper whereby IF she re marry someone else, She got abused, or anything bad.
I have the rights to take my daughter and raising her.

so your planning to be back on track in relationship or being single for life now?

I honestly prefer being single for the time being. I do not want further complicate things by making rush decision of having a new relationship.
But I'm open to get to know more people and not being stuck without any female friend.

Divorce is not the end. It's setting free 2 parties who's suffering.


But i never heard of what's the after divorce feeling from a guy side. mind to tell ? haha!

Anyway, all the best! It's hard when the divorce involved kids. Stay strong for both of you

In a chinese couple relationship, the reason they fight, quarrel, divorce especially when there is a burden kid often ties to one reason 'financially unstable'.

its okay to get married but if u want to have kid make sure your financial is in good stand

This post has been edited by godhand: May 22 2018, 03:00 PM

Thank you.. Appreciate it so much

Yea, but when a couple doesnt get along well anymore, sometimes reason to fight could be anything, even when money is not a problem anymore.

Yes, unconsciously sometimes a person behave like how she actually hate it without realizing it

Hi, i have a concern about the feelings. How can u know she/he is a right person for you?
Sometimes it feels right, but sometimes the life is okay without him/her🤔
Any tips to read the sign?

hi perhaps you should elaborate further by giving example.

Life okay with or without him/her = you are independent enough which actually is good, so it will prevent you becoming a possessive partner.

how long did you get to know her before marrying her?

how long did it last anyway?

I have dated someone who resemble your soon to be ex wife

Manage to call it off after 6 months, knowing that she felt perfectly fine of her behaviour and has no intention to change any of it

Im a girl and meeting him a year ago make us clique so fast..
I always cook for my colleagues and when with him, I will cook healthy food for him even though I am not a veggie eater.

I helped him managing his daily life, assisting him in paper work matters and helps him planning his life.

On the other hand, he will assists me in technological stuff, help me install and fixed few things(electronic), buy me gadget accessories and text and shares with me an update if he go to competition or vacation.

He vows to not marry, due to his trauma experience with obsessive girl(till the extend of police report) but sometimes we do talk about my future planning, he shares about his family and we always spend times with our colleagues kids.

I do not know if we have feelings towards each other or it just a fling..

Do you enjoy his companionship? Do you feel happy when he is around? Can you handle and accept the negative side of him?
If you feel that you enjoy that moment, looking forward with him and having around I don't think its a fling.

From my point of view based on your explanation it seems like you like him and enjoy your time with him, but the real yourself worried that you might not have real future together with him.

If I'm in your position I will have a good conversation with him and overcome his trauma experience, by letting him know better what kind of a person you are as a friend and also as a partner.
What is his reaction and response about it.

How long have you been with him, and have you meet his family before?

I knew her for around 1.5yr and dated for around 1yr

But she is not showing all, during that period. she used to be a very happy cheerful person.

I know the story about his trauma and some deep story in which, he just shares with me.
I never judge him as I believe past is past and it is unfair to blame him because of his past.

I met his parents when they come here and spend a good day with them, I also met his brother and sis in law when they fetch us at the airport.

I like it when he is around and we texting each more frequent than we texting others.

I just scared to move forward and for the time being, both of us not looking for marriage(not in 1-2 years time)

In that case you should enjoy the moment you have together and let the feeling grow stronger. Take it as opportunity to explore and get to know more about each other.
As long as you treat each other good and with respect I would say this is a good healthy relationship.

Hey, thanks..i guess after hearing it from you, i feel more relief as I do not dare to ask him directly. Maybe because he never fall in love before, so we just view this relationship like BFF

Yes, you should continue and let it grow. but you also need to make sure that you will be open and not closing opportunity to others who might put interest in you.
This to prevent you left broken heart should in case anything happen in the future, since you are not in n official relationship.

All the best

Thanks for the insight. He is currently getting a property in his hometown before getting one in Selangor area. I currently putting faith in him. At the same time I'm looking for a better job before marriage and stuff. I will talk to him about this. Thanks again!

that's my friend... is woman's world...

u would never win an argument with woman like that...


coz they defy logics...

After being in sales for 2 years and understanding how people behave

I kinda get what you mean ts. Figuring out what a girl's personality is through their body language and mind set. Then figuring out if this girl is worth pursuing

Not easy finding someone you're compatible with.

Woman think with their feelings. men don't understand them because men think with logic

That's why lor...

This post has been edited by WhyLifeIsUNFAIR9: Jun 3 2018, 06:20 PM

Married guys, what makes you have marriage in mind? My bf of 3 yrs almost to 4. Never had future in his mind. He growing up in a broken family. And so am I. And few days ago, i asked him if he would want to migrate out from Msia with me. He said no. I asked why cause his friends is here. You have no idea how much it hurts to heard that. He said his frends make him, him. Ouch..... And he doesn't believe in LDR too.....

extra info: he is 30, I'm 27. Currently pursuing my dream career. And he is a successful man in his career.

This post has been edited by Claudine: Jun 4 2018, 09:12 PM

if he does not give a chance to open discussion for possible solution, he might be a very selfish person

If both have different view towards future, there is actually no future for this relationship. Unless 1 have no plan, and the other lead a plan. If both have their own thinking.. as in 1 wanted to get married, and the other prefer to stay single. Then, no point to talk.. as making either 1 to give in won't make this relationship a sustainable 1.

Im not married but i can understand the situation, my ex too wanted to migrate out from here. and I said no. although the reason is not due to my friends. but migrating is such a big step to be taken that it's not easy to make. One of the reason me and my ex parted ways was because of this. And guess what after 3 freaking years she has yet to migrate to another country. And Im here happy where I am with a stable job, already have a home and Im a happy single person now.

So would I been happy if i followed my ex and migrated overses? would it be the right move? i dont know. But i would miss my current life here. u mentioned he is a successful man and u are pursing a dream career hence I dont see the reason to migrate right? My parents actually migrated when I was small and I stayed in another country for 11 years. All I can say was it was difficult for me there and more difficult for me here Difficult there cause I was different and could not fit in. I dont have childhood friends who i can meet up nor school friends now in Malaysia as all of them I made in another country. Hence I dont want my kids (if i do have) to not have to go through what I went through.

My advise don't get hurt la if your bf dont want to migrate, maybe its best for both of you both not to. see the cons too please.

He's not a risk taker.

And as you said, he's already successful why would he want to risk himself taking another path.

My always tell my sister that choose a man by how he treats his mum. And if you like how he treats his mumaery him. That advice worked pretty well.

If u wanna truly learn about a person, observe him/her in their most natural form.

I’m 30...I worked hard. I am where I wanna be.
Living tomorrow like yesterday is my ultimate success and why would I wrecked all that?

How long hv u known him? How would migrating equates better opportunity?

P.S. it’s best to find someone to grow together when both are most malleable. But once either has fixated on a path at certain age, that’s not that easy to give up. There is a reason why adults writes with pen. Adults can’t afford that many f*cked up.

This post has been edited by RUI: Jun 15 2018, 02:43 AM

Dont give up your dream job/life for a partner..

I learnt that the hard way

Mind share the story?

Sometimes, I try to talk about it. He seems disinterested.... Ah... I stop talking about it. I feel like I am cheap and desperate lol.

Yep, It takes two to tango. And forcing one and another will lead to nothing. Learned.

It will be very selfish of me to force him. Just kinda hurts when he put his friends in the list 1st.
I'm who I am to compare? His friends are with him since they are very young. There is no way I would ask him friends or me.
About my dream career, its abit hard to succeed over here. I am into art field. Companies see us as workers rather than an individual who create. I did as much research as I can and surveys with lecturers. Indeed, they do encourage me getting out from here if I want to go big.
Giving up my career for him is like him giving me up for his friends.

Yea, at some point I do understand why he ain't gonna move out with me. Still hurts he put his friends 1st tho.

Hi Rui,

His family is abit chaotic, observe them is a nut scene lol. Yea, I do understand he got everything he wanted over here. Thinking twice, i might be a selfish person too. But I do love him. And of course everything I did, I have him in my mind. The path I choose, is the path that I couldn't succeed by stay in Msia. I'm into art field. Msia don't view artist and art as a career and work.
I do survey and gather as much detail before i decided to get myself out from here. And indeed every seniors in this field encourage me to get out. Its the only risk i willing to take. And I am not young anymore.

What if both balances you? I'm torn by these two. But if really i should choose, I think I will choose my dream job.

Please tell me more about yourself.

It's very complicated, and I don't really want to reveal too much.

But in summary, I realized that I was willing to sacrifice alot to be with her, but she was not willing to do even remotely the same for me.. and now I have to live with it.

I picked her, she picked her career and family, but somehow, I was still expected to pay for everything, etc..i had to support her, while sacrificing my career.. and when she had climbed the ladder, she left me behind, both relationship wise and financially.

It's a spin on the old tale where a wife gives up her career and stays home to take care of the kids, and hubby gets rich then finds a younger mistress.

Basically... i sort of think both of you should pick career, or otherwise come to a strong agreement that.. if someone is going to make sacrifices, they will be appreciated and compensated for it.

Lol. It's ironic.

For my situation, i actually want to go to singapore or malaysia to work, but they dont even recognize my qualifications.

Im actually stuck overseas, and i miss msia

1. Always check how your spouse treating/talk their parents. and check with the reality.

My SO is polite, behaved and helpful. I acknowledge it, but am I happy? Not all the time.

2. How your spouse handle a conflict/disagreement with her family, colleague or friends.

My SO handles it well. Most of the time, via diplomacy and compromise. Am I happy to see such? Not really.

3. How she listen to someone she trust and from her inner circle (family / spouse)

My SO listens well and judges to ensure it's a fair decision or words. Am I happy with it? At times. I don't know.

The questions don't seem to assist me. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I just don't know how to appreciate someone great.

Can tell that ur ex wife is a very emotional type of person since the beginning and being brought up in a no so good family environment.
Child from broken family usually has very low self esteem, seeing a lot of things with negativity but outside we still put up our "all iz fine" look. (maybe its our way of consoling our self)

If she is cheerful and happy person before marriage and her personality changed after marriage. It might caused by she is trying hard to do her best for a wife's role ( giving birth and such). But, she just dont have the clue about it when she brought up in a not ideal family. and this frustrates her to be more emotional.



- usually this kind of person give their best (at least they think they are) but in the end got betrayed. They usually tries to avoid from getting hurt again. all thanks to all the mental abuse exp from family since young. Forgiveness was not taught in this kind of family. Loving kindness is what they have lack.

After getting few miscarriages + sounding from your mum, she is definitely in more depress than ever. she will even start to doubt themselves for the words uttered by your mum and she will scare that ppl around her will doubt her especially her own husband ( devil always tell stories in our mind for things that not yet even happen to affect our damn mood lol)

Your daughter is still very young and your divorce will also affect her growing up. & she might grow up and become like her mother too (depress and low self esteem etc). I think you should go back to her slowly like how you start wooing her during those lovey dovey times. If can't be husband, keep the relationship as a good friend that give her supports & advice tho sometimes it might not be taken and quarrel about it. More loving kindness is what she really need from this world.

Do a loving-kindness prayer to her and your daughter after your solats. Talk to Allah, Wish them free from enmity & dangers, blessed with happiness and able to takecare of oneself easily. This power of loving-kindness will surely help bit by bit if you are sincere enough in your wish. When loving kindness take place, all the grudges, hate will go off. They can't co-exist at the same time.

This is just my opinion, sorry if offended

This post has been edited by T-927: Nov 1 2018, 02:10 AM

After I got cheated by my gf, I learned something too.

And yes TS, you're right.

We should always look at the way she treat her parents, the way she handles our conflict, etc.

And from this lesson, I learn not to love too much, dive too deep until I truly know her. I fall too hard, it is very hard for me to pick myself up.

And throughout this relationship, I have lost most of my friends. Plus I'm working overseas, there's only 1 friend that I can meet.

This has become a very difficult task for me to overcome this stage, to move on.

I force myself to stay positive everyday but whenever I sleep, whenever I wake up, the feeling kicks in and it hurts me. Not as bad as before but, it still hurts me.

So now, I go out, sit at coffee place, alone. Keep myself busy, focus on other things than stomping the ground asking God why?

She hurts me a lot. I caught her cheated for many times. I lost my man's dignity and pride. Because I let her felt like I can't live without her. That puts power into her mind, letting her to think that she can continue to fool me.

After many talk with my friends and family, I finally wake up. I learn to stop giving her power over me and take that away from her.

She needs me more than I need her. I take care of her family, take care of her mom, fetch her to hospitals for regular checkups, bring them travel and pay for all the expenses. I helped her with her business, set it up for her, fund her financially, grow her so much, until she achieved this small success. But she didn't realise that. Fine. Let her run the business herself then.

To guys out there, don't beg. I used to be weak, used to think that I can't live without her.

Trust me, a cheater is always a cheater. It's just like thief. Do thief feel remorse or regret after stealing things from you? No. So why you want to think that she will regret her actions and come back to you?

As my sister said: 一次不忠，百次不用.

She left you because she can't find the "feeling" that both of you used to have. Now she found it with someone else. So she left you, cheated on you, sleep with other guys.

Even she comes back, it's not because the "feeling" is back. There are some other "value" in you that they want. In my case, it's business that I'm helping her with.

So, don't let her think that she can manipulate your feeling just because she tells you that she still loves you.

Fuck that bitch! I'm moving on! I will be more successful without her.

Time for me to start looking for new friends, grow back my circles. Focus on my own thing, do my own business!

This post has been edited by tutuyao: Nov 3 2018, 10:33 AM

Good One Bro!! very inspiring and also we can learn from you. Thanks for sharing with us

I hope TS could get someone better in the future and live better than ever..

Anyway, there is 1 term which I believe applies to both girl & guy.

To prove a girl truly loves the guy, is when the girl able to accept the guy is poor shit and got no benefit to the girl.
To prove a guy truly loves the girl, is when the guy rich or wealthy enough to gain other girls attention but still loyal to the girl.

I am one of the example, me and my wife started during sec school. She funded my uni fees with all her hard saved pocket money. As a loyal and her loving husband, I'm paying all the household expenses and installment. All my income is fully handled by her as well.

My advice to those single guy who had certain income, just stay humble. Keep away from luxurious goods and lifestyle. You'll need the right women in your life (mom & wife) to be successful.

God bless! Amen to that my friend. Seem like you hit the jackpot.

I think love is like trust. It's either you trust or you don't.

Because if it's not. Then u will hv scenario like you love girl A 25%, love girl B 50%, and love girl 75%. But if you are in relationship with girl A, that makes you the cheater. Period.

Another point I would like to make is....Examine this statement..."The trouble is, you think you have time.". And for you ex, she always knew she had one more time. You enabled her. Bad boys don't do that. What they do is quite the opposite. They do something like, "If you want me, you can have me. Now. Once I'm gone, I'm gone for good."

The last point is...I don't you have build something meaningful enough. Because if you do, you won't even let ur mum to cock it up for you.
Try put ur energy, focus onto something you want for the next 7-10 years. And I bet my ass u would shoot even Jesus if he dares stand in your way.

And you look back that time, you will realize people come and go. If there is anything worth keeping at all, that would be the good memories. The rest are pretty much disposable.

Yeah you’re right. I enabled her to cheat.

I think I did more than what a bf should do.

And for the last point, I do agree with you. People come ad go. Nothing lasts forever, only good memories. Like I said, I forgive her, but I can’t forget.

I choose not to live in hate. From time to time, I still look back at our photos and videos, makes me laugh but that’s it. I won’t accept her again because that will reminds me the pain and scar she created. I rather be selfish and love myself more. Just let her go.

@ TS, read through whole thread and would like to share my point of view

Would like to share with everyone here a thing call "Postnatal depression" . Do not underestimate what depression can do to a person. Mild one, they will say something harsh, being unreasonable, hold grudges etc...on more serious note, they will be physical and suicidal. If not properly treated, depression will only get worst.

We (me and wife) had gone down similar route like TS and we are lucky to be able to detect where is wrong and seek treatment. Please for the sake of your daughter, look up how to deal/cure depression and work from there.