Spanks for the memory
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife pipes up with, “Men just cannot do two things at once…”

At this I interrupted and said, “actually I can.” “Give me an example,” she said. “Well, while I was banging you last night I was thinking about your friend.”

blur2...
female one is tigress isnt it?

Bedside Millionaire
My wife and I were watching " Who Wants To Be A Millionaire " while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, " Do you want to have sex? "

" No," she answered.

Then I said, " Is that your final answer? "

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying " Yes. "

So I said, " Then I'd like to phone a friend. "

And that's when the fight started.

Drunk Tough Guy
At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face.

Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to
my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Puzzled, but willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet
paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replied.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again."

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with beautiful tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere"

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.