Those wanting to be married
Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.

Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

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Added on March 19, 2009, 3:14 pmoh.. btw... since I'm most likely would not post any repost new ones in coming few days.... i'll post one now....

21st March... my wedding <--------- Relationship joke!

Second Honeymoon
Santa and Jeeto were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 10th wedding anniversary.

Jeeto said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"As you wish," said Santa.

"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jeeto.

"Ok," said Santa.

"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jeeto.

"That's right," said Santa, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

Spanks for the memory
My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife pipes up with, “Men just cannot do two things at once…”

At this I interrupted and said, “actually I can.” “Give me an example,” she said. “Well, while I was banging you last night I was thinking about your friend.”

Tell the Difference
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

Thats a pity 

Never mind that, I'll give another shot. 
How Life Comes a Full Circle

At age 4,  success is… not wetting your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not wetting your pants.
Are you Male or Female?

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...

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Look down, not scroll down you idiot
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.

The local paper read:

'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

'NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10'.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

'NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'.

The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is ....

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Hope they're not repost 

Sorry if they're repost 

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can still get into the skirts I had before we were married."

"Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the ball game on TV.
"I wish to hell I could."

0 to 200 in 6 Seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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Added on July 10, 2009, 5:15 pmHow to Impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
* Compliment her
* cuddle her
* kiss her
* caress her
* love her
* stroke her
* tease her
* comfort her
* protect her
* hug her
* hold her
* spend money on her
* wine & dine her
* buy things for her
* listen to her
* care for her
* stand by her
* support her
* go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

* Show up naked with legs open.

Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed? Because he is lying.

What are the two greatest lies? "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."

Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.