Sophies Wedding
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

the blind man doesn't know he has 9 kids

the wife expects to keep his husband's thing by extending his legs instead of cutting off the thing

i don't get this joke...

Are You Stupid?
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you’re a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself."

You Americans!
World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle agedlady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong b1tch out the window."

Misadventure in the Woods
One day Little Red Riding Hood decided to go to Grandmothers house when she was stopped by her mother, heading out the door.

Her mom says, "Red, you better be careful out there, the Big Bad Wolf might find you, and he'll flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's, and bang your little red socks off."

Red smiles "Don't worry mom, i'll be alright."

She dosen't get within a mile to her grandma's house, and suddenly stopped, by the rabbit.

The rabbit says, "Red, watch out, the wolf's after you, and he'll flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's, and bang your little red socks off."

Red smiles and says "Don't worry rabbit, i'll be careful."

A little closer to grandma's house until she was stopped again, this time, the squirrel pops out of the bushes and runs out of breath to her.
He says "Red, you better run, the wolf is near, and he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's and bang your little red socks off."
Red becomes angry, and says "Don't worry, i'll be fine."
Red stops for a second to cool off, and looks over her left shoulder to find the wolf starring at her. He walks over to her and says, "Red, i warned you, i've got you where i want you, and now im going to flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red panty's and bang your little red socks off."

So he throws her on the ground and flips up her little red dress and pauses. He looks up to find Red with a gun in her hand.
She points it directly at his head and says "No wolf, your going to eat me like the book says."

God's Football Team vs Devil's Team
God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space.  The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team.  Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.

As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"

The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"

Rookie mistake Wayne, if GTA has taught me anything then it is to always kill the prostitute with a bat after bedding them.

Logical scientist
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second.

They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.

"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a wanker then!"

if u guys did 69 b4, u'll know dat the anal hole is not align wit ur forehead

wat does this mean? tak paham and unable to LOL for the first time....

An insane man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "F*ck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been f*cked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants pen1s is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".