Fine Dining


John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."

Dating Service


A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.

Romantic Food


Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife's cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?"
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife's eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

Snails


A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs. The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Oral Cure


A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery.

One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her *****, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's ***** and again she quivered.

Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.

So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."

sure... i just compile up anyway.

Stowaway


A depressed young woman from a Penang finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the water. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy?" The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?

In the dark of night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat under a tarp. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches, coffee and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, the girl was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe and every night he brings me food and screws me." "He sure does, lady," said the captain. "This is the Penang Island Ferry."

CIA Final Test


Three men are getting ready for their final test to become CIA agents. The instructor says that their final test is to kill their wives. So, the instructor hands a gun to the first guy and he goes into another room where his wife is. The man returns just a few minutes later and says that he loves his wife too much and can't go through with it.

The second guy goes into the room with the gun to kill his wife. He returns 10 minutes later and says that even though he really wants to become an agent he just couldn't kill his wife.

So, the instructor hands the gun off to the third guy and he proceeds into the room. After about 15 minutes they hear three gun shots go off. The man returns a few minutes afterwards all sweaty and out of breath. The instructor asks the man what happened and the man replied "Some idiot put blanks in the gun so I had to strangle the b****".

Golf Mate


A couple of old friends are trying to play a round of golf when they catch up with two women. They watch with mounting frustration as the ladies manage to hit every water hazard, bunker and piece of rough - without waving them through, as golf etiquette requires. After two tedious hours of waiting, one of the men decides enough is enough and walks over to ask them if he can play through. He strides up the fairway, but halfway up stops suddenly and quickly returns. "I can't do it," he says to his playing partner. "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress! Maybe it'd be better if you went to talk to them." The second man agrees, but halfway there he too, noticeably slows down, stops and returns, just like his colleague had done. "What's up?" asks the first man. "I tell you what," says the second man, gazing at his shoes and smiling sheepishly. "It's a small world, isn't it?"

Save money on Dentist

A married couple goes into a dentist's office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, "No expensive extras, Doc. No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," the dentist says. "Now, which tooth is it?"

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Show him your tooth, honey."

Backseat Cook


A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful... Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store


1. No Thanks. ... Just Sniffing.

2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

5. Will you model this for me???

6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

7. RM350?? Are you kidding? She's just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

Funeral arrangements


Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...

"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

The Experiment


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

Bedroom Conversation



Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Sandwich Making


A guy and a girl want to have sex. So they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Then she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then she switches back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

Statue Fantasy


An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea.

He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, ''Go off and experience with each other whatever you've wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off.''

Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him.

The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, ''For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance!''

With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, ''The old man's right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and I'll crap on them!''

Child custody


A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"



This post has been edited by aLittleMisfit: Jan 29 2007, 10:01 AM

Baby knows it all


A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance. A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own death, went on a 364-day binge...Fast cars, faster women, exotic vacations, and flings with supermodels.

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie.

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off into what he assumed would be his big sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning. He had cheated death! He was invincible!

Then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the night broke the news. "Honey, better come quick, the gardener's dead."

Pick Up Lines


1. Do you believe in love at first sight?...Or do I have to walk by again?

2. Do you sleep on your stomach?...no?....Can I ?

3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can easily see myself in your pants.

4. Tomorrow morning, do you want me to call you or nudge you?

5. Your parents must be bakers cuz they sure put out a great set of buns!

6. Your parents must be thieves cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

7. Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.

8. Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a little Irish in you?

9. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

10. Would you like to go home for a pizza and a f***?....*slap*...what? you don't like pizza?

11. Your legs must be tired cuz you've been running through my mind all night.

12. That shirt is very becoming on you, of course if I were that shirt I would be coming on you too.

13. If I told you I liked your body would you hold it against me?

14. Pez?

15. I heard milk was good for your body, but damn! You must drink gallons at a time!

16. Hi, my name is Billy. Don't forget, because you'll be screaming it later tonight.

17. Excuse me, but could you give me directions?

To where?

Your heart...

18. f*** me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

19. Come over here and sit on my lap--we can talk about the first thing that pops up.

20. Excuse me Miss, is that dress felt?...Would you like it to be?

21. The voices in my head say you should go out with me....

22. Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just you.

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together.

24. I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest of my body.

25. Person A: I'm sorry, were you talking to me?

Person B: No

Person A: Well then, please start.

26. If I follow you home, will you keep me?

27. Have you ever been licked until tears rolled from your eyes?

28. Pardon me, but may I attempt to seduce you?

29. Lick finger, and rub it on the clothing of the person, then rub it on yours. Just a light touch will do. "So, what do you say we get out of these wet clothes..."

30. (hold up first two fingers on one hand)

Know why you should use these two fingers to masturbate?

No, why?

Because they're mine.

31. A: Walks up to "B" and gently pulls up "B's" collar and looks at the tag in the shirt.

A: Hmph and a long pause. Then A walks away.

B: What the hell? What was that? etc...

A: Oh... I was just checking to see if it said "Made in Heaven."

32. I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...let's say we tie up for the night?

33. A: Did it hurt?

B: What?!?!?!?!?

A: When you fell from the sky as an angel!