I was chatting with her as usual thru messenger. Its was quite common. Until....

At some point at work, I was doing some exchange rate conversion.. between Chinese renmimbi (yuan) with MYR.

Then I asked her because she goes there every year.

Me: Can I ask u. If yuan convert to RM is just divide by 2 right?

Suddenly, she went into beechfit. And started.

she: Why u asking me this? I dont want to know anything about China. blahblahblahblahblah........ yes divide by 2
Me: thanks

And then, after like half an hour, when my worksheet was done. I wanted to confirm again with her. so I asked,

Me: eh confirm right? yuan convert just divide by 2 right?
She: Why u asking me again? What is it you dont understand?! You can always go use online converter right?

At this point, i tot she was joking

Me: I saja want to ask you
She: U asked me so many times! (correction! I only asked u twice!) I told you just now, why is it so hard?! I dont understand

At this point. I was DAMN TERASA with her. Instead of a simple yes or no, she chose to whack me kaw2. And what hurts me the most was, it was that SIMPLE for her to just, scold me like that rather than consider who I am and what

I've done all this while for her. Dont get me wrong, not that I want to bring up things, in fact i didnt, just that things like these im so damn sensitive about. Even my mom, a long time ago, didnt talk to me for days because i did something

like that to her. Okay mom aside. I replied,

Me: I only wanted to confirm with you. Didnt expect you'd be so upset
She: I'm just being like our boss, telling you that you can always find out for urself.

Fuuhh, now she go office talk pulak. She lost me already at this point. And then she began blahblahblah

She: I really dont want anything to do with China! You dont ask me things related to it.
She: You know how i talk to that guy we both hate so much? Thats how I'll react with China

I totally didnt want to talk to her. I kept quiet. Until like half an hour

She: how? u scared or not? blahblahblahblah

And I ignored her. for the next 2 hours. And just shut down my lappy and went back home. I was so hurt and disappointed with the way she talked to me.

I know her, shes quite sensitive too. But not to my feelings. Just hers. So when she kinda sees my pattern, not replying, I know that shes already thinking that sths wrong with me. So why am i so confident? coz its happened before

(refer to story when I silent treatment her at work) and thenn...

I... on that same night, was expecting her to text me about it. But when I woke up until yesterday morning, there was nothing. Felt down.. but its okay, because.. yesterday, we went karaoke.. againnn.. for the 3rd time in 2

months~ I was kinda excited to know what she'll do. So first, at noon, she texted me. Started with some 'frenly' tone talk like,

She:yo yo yo! later just the 3 of us right? I'll be a bit late. hahahahahahahh

So.. we had planned to go karaoke since thursday because it was another friend of ours's bday. so there was me, her, and that friend, girl.

anyway, u guys know right, if whatsapp, if we online also we know the other persons online too coz can see up there. I purposely appear online and I ignored her first. Then she text me again

She: Eh should i buy cake from here? Want to buy cupcake or cake. hahahahahahahaah

Usually...usuallyyyy... I'd always start my conversation with something like "yo niigger morningg.. whats up whats up" and probably crack up some lame shit first.. but i decide to go as plain as possible. Anyway, it was a frens bday.

so i guess id shud push away my ego for a while.

Me: U buy first and hide the cake. I'll keep her busy
She: want to buy how many yea? I dunno how many should buy . hahahahahahaa
Me: how many up to u

And then...

She: eh u angry with me with the way I talked to you yesterday isit? btw, are you already there?
Me: nope. and not yet, am otw.

I decided, that.. okay.. its a good day.. and i din wan to ruin it for anybody and for myself. I dont know what her reaction will be if i said yeah upset etc but nvmind lah. at least she noticed.

I told her to hide first because she was bringing the cake. we wanted it to be a surprise. she hid somewhere near the lift and saw me but i already saw the bday gurl so i ignored her again and waved at the bday gurl hahaha.

and then we all sing sing togetherrrr... and then the bday gurl suddenly had to leave an hour before session end. And so there were the two of us. singing together in that room. hahahahahahahh

It felt like the timing.. but something was a bit off. So I.. hahah.. i ... din make that move. I was singing Uptown Girl. and along these lines,

"you know I'm in love with an uptown girl, shes my uptown girlll"

I felt like changing it to this,

"you know I'm in love with youuuu"

But.. din happen.. so.. yeah...

I am such a fool. I was supposed to sleep an hour ago, but knowing shes still up and doing work, I decided to just continue on doing mine just for the sake of staying awake with her. well we were chatting on the messenger la. Not like I wait just because she was on9 hahaha.

Haih.. I've been giving it a lot of thought. and i deduced one big thing. those things that she does, that I THOUGHT was special to me and only to me like scolding me, merajuk with me, be open with me.. seems that she does that with everyone else also. Altho, I do feel those parts where she confides in me on how she feels weak and inferior at work and how she share things about her family is still something thats exclusive to me. regardless, that doesnt matter right.

Last night, I was so set on sending her back home. I plan everything already. Drove car, wait for her to come office, told her I'd send her back, etc. It was all set. Then someone had to ruin my plan because they live nearer to her place and when they go back, would drop her. So she told me about it just when I was about to ask her if shes about to pack. My face change was so damn apparent I cudnt hide it at that time. but wtevs lah. I still did try to persuade, but her face change and she ask me "why ah".. and then I said i was lonely. HAHAHAHAHAHAH

ok2. so because I have decided that I wasnt special to her in any way, so i have fully accepted that she never had those kind of feelings for me to begin with. It was all just a dream, a fantasy that I created just to make my sorry self feel like I'm a winner. Its time to wake up and look in the mirror.

I have planned my confession. It will be on my last day at work. I wont be waiting until she would resign then only i resign. I will resign way earlier than her. but hopefully, on my last day, all i wish for is that, we could at least walk back together to the train station. I'd prepare her a flower in her favorite color, sealed in a box, only telling her to open it only after I send her a message. But right before we part ways and probably see each other for the last time, I'd say it.

Me: Hey
She: yea?
Me: I love you *quickly runs away*

so i need to prevent her from whatsapping me until I actually send it to her. switch off broadband. I didnt want to be demotivated before I send her that message. so what I'll write in the message would have been whatever I've shared with u guys here. Hence I'll have to go thru all the memories and write it down properly. I wanted her to know how I've thought, how I've felt, and what are the moments I cherish so much.

I'll tell her how everything I've done was because how I felt towards her. And how no matter shitty the day was, as long as I have the chance to be with her, send her back home etc, it wouldnt matter. I want her to know. I need her to know. and I wish, during all those moments, if she could at least catch a slight glimpse of how I feel about her.

Call me creepy or shit but I tink I gotta do wat i gotta do.