Jun 17 2006, 03:04 PM, updated 20y ago
The Top Joke in England:
=====================
Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other
one.
He screams, "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel
will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
Top Joke in Wales
===============
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when a gang of snails
mugged
him.
A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could
explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and
replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Top Joke in Northern Ireland
=======================
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be
worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
Top Joke in Scotland
================
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming
in
terror like his passengers.
Top joke in UK
==========
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the
ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman stamps down to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She
says
to a man next to her: "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off love, go ahead
and
I'll hold your monkey for you."
Top joke in USA
===========
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One
of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes
off
his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I
have
ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Top joke in Canada
==============
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that
ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem,
NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes
in
zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass
and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia
==================
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all
strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this
morning, I
looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled
up, my
skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging
out, and
I had this corpse-like look on my face!
"What's WRONG with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says:
"Well,
I can tell you that there isn't anything wrong with your eyesight...."
THE WINNING JOKE
=============
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them
falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled
back in
his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency
services. He
gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
SECOND PLACE
==========
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner
and
a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that
there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I
deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three. !
Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I
can see
that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant
part of
the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes silently fuming says: "Watson, you are an idiot! Someone has
stolen
our tent!" *
International Joke off, damm funny
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