The problem is likely cause you've identified yourself as an otaku, and even you yourself seem to have a negative perception of "otaku". You need to change your perception of it first, if you keep thinking that women will not like you cause of your hobbies, it will subconsciously transfer to your words/actions.

Personally I know a quite a few people who are into these hobbies (i am such a person myself) and they don't have problem with women. If you have other hobbies, you might want to start with that first. Its highly likely she's not interested in such things anyway, so don't bring it up unless she talks about it. I believe the problem is that she cannot relate with your hobby rather than being disgusted by it. I would be quite turned off myself if a woman I'm talking to decides to talk to me about her hobby that I can't relate to at all and she just keeps talking about it.

There's some truth to what killdavid is saying here. Its okay to have your such hobbies, but don't lose track with the real world. If I recall your posts from around here you don't seem to be that sort of person, so its most likely you've revealed your hobbies too early or in a fashion that they deemed unappealing.


Don't be so close minded, porn in any form be it high budget, amateur, webcam, hentai, comics, erotic stories, etc all have their own merits. Its how you use such material that makes the difference whether the person is creepy or not.

As for spending money on toys, what's the problem with that? Any different from women spending money on shoes/handbags? Its what they want to spend on, as long as they can afford it why not let them do what makes them happy? Why judge them for it?

Men never really grow up, there's always a little boy in him still. That boy is necessary to keep a man happy and in a sound state of mind, and every boy in a man has their own thing that makes them happy. If a man losses that part of him, a huge part of him dies inside. Look at any man who is happy and successful, there's always some stupid boyish thing he's doing on his free time.

You brought it up


Considering it is about a man with hobbies that a woman cannot understand, no it has everything to do with men and women. Hobbies are only a part of a person, if you judge a person by that part simply cause you can't understand it; ignoring his other parts, then that's just being prejudiced and close minded.


Exactly, and my point is that such hobbies/interests are fine and there's nothing wrong with it. Just like any other hobby or interest, its fine as long as you don't take it to the extreme. Like some of the others have noted, people who rather buy toys instead of paying their insurance premiums, car loans, etc. that's bad, but that's not the fault of their hobby, its the character itself, they would be doing the same thing regardless of what the hobby is.


yes, that's you, but you don't speak for all girls and it would be bad for TS to take you as an example because frankly your view point is rather narrow on this, and seems badly marred/biased due to previous experience.

and honestly, I don't think TS is really an otaku, otakus are on the extreme side of things.

I responded to your response because its your kind of bias that TS is having a problem with. Like you said, there are people who still have their own preferences like wanting a virgin gf (although they don't mind sexing them up). Its their preference, its their choice, yes, but it also doesn't change the fact that its close minded and stupid.

And that is what irks me, the close mindedness. It doesn't matter whether its about otakus, handbags, dolls, hello kitties, cars etc. to judge a person by their hobbies is incredibly close minded. You don't have to like what they do, but to think of them negatively for it, that's screwed up; just be neutral about it. You never know what the future holds, one day your BF (maybe husband at that time) might get into anime and start collecting stuff like that, what you gonna do then? Break/divorce? Just cause he started a hobby you find unattractive? I think we both agree that would be rather silly.

Like others have said here, you can't expect people to change nor can you force them to change. I agree to that too. So do I expect you to change after I said all this? No, I don't. Although you can't change people, you can explain things to them so they get a better perspective. Whether they decide to assimilate that new information or not, is their prerogative.

I had a feeling this was going to come up.

You are right, there are reasons you don't like something, do you ever question what does reasons are? Is it because of bias? prejudice? stereotype? misunderstanding? There are things you can't change because its simply personal preference or built over years of social influence (your looks fall under this category). There are however things that you dislike out of bias and prejudice, the current otaku subject falls under this category.

So why do "otakus" turn you off? I bet, If we were to continue this line of inquiry, we will find that whatever you dislike about "otakus" has nothing to do with the hobby itself, but the person's character. The hobby is just how the bad traits manifested itself. Though most likely due to bad experience you've falsely associated both together.


For now, who knows what it is in the future. It might not be otaku stuff, but he could be spending his disposable income on other hobbies (men tend to do this), and you're going to think its a waste of money too and arguments begin. The hobby is "useless", no "practical value", "childish", "money can be used for better things", etc. etc. etc. Do you see? the real problem has not been addressed yet. Its simply been shrouded/delayed.

Its stupid to focus on the hobby as though its the problem. I stress again, its the person's character that determines whether the outcome of the hobby will be bad/good. So focus on that, and learn that with the right character, any hobby he has will only make him happy and a better man.


Yes, but she doesn't judge you for it. THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE


Nope, I do not expect that, what I do expect or at least want to see, is less bias and prejudice in people.

QUOTE

Its because they take everything personally. There's a difference between saying or doing something stupid vs actually being stupid.

Everyone has their stupid moments, and everyone has their own prejudices, most of the time we may not even realise it. I have not personally called you stupid, but you seem to have taken it that way. What I've said is that the prejudice and close-mindedness you're showing is stupid. Does that mean you're stupid? No, the context remains where it is. It does not translate to the person you are as a whole. Did you miss the part where I was saying its not right to judge a person from just one aspect of their character?

So you think its not judgmental to qualify a person based on their hobbies? Don't you think that's rather shallow? That's like saying people who like to go clubbing are sluts, or girls who wear branded clothing are materialistic, or guys who drive sport cars are douchebags, etc. etc.

Maybe its because your english is poor that you've not understood what we're saying. I was going to respond to your response to mine, but I think this one highlights what you're not understanding.

Based on your story of your ex so far, it seems like you broke up because your character/personality/expectation was not compatible. The hobby wasn't really the key point of the break up correct? That means his "otakuness" wasn't the deal breaker in the relationship, but simply because you both were not compatible. There's a big difference there.

This is why I brought up scenarios with your current bf. Your answers to the scenarios will highlight what really is important in your evaluation of a relationship.
If you would break up with him just because he got into a hobby you dislike, that would mean you're just close minded/prejudiced,

In the end i think there's a miscommunication here. You said you wouldn't date "otakus", and most of us here took it as you judging the person based on his hobby, but it seems like you just meant you wouldn't cause of incompatibility in interests; there would be less things to talk about. So here's another question, if you have alot of other interests in common, but he has an additional interests which is anime/figurines, would he still be dateable in your eyes?

I still don't see how its the hobby that caused the break up and how you associate the break up is due to him being interested in otaku culture. It probably was part of the reason, though doesn't seem to be the core reason? Things can be positive, neutral or negative. Seems like his hobby was just a neutral thing for you. If you broke up with him cause he would rather hug an anime pillow than you, or spend his time and money on figurines rather than taking you out on dates. Then I would understand why you say you wouldn't date an otaku.

As it stands, your association of otaku with your break up doesn't make sense.


Answer doesn't have to be exact, you don't have to be held up to your answer, its just to see how you're thinking about the issue, so its clearer what you really think. I believe if you answered, the misunderstanding would be cleared up.


Which is what I'm trying to understand here. If she is simply saying that the otakus doesn't interest her, so they're unlikely candidates for her to date, that's fine. Nothing wrong there. However to say that a person is not dateable simply because they're into something she doesn't like/understand is close minded.


The funny thing is i'm not saying she must like otakus or their hobbies. I'm just saying don't judge a person on them. Doing so is close-minded. The impression she gave me was that if she didn't like the hobby (the otaku just happens to be the subject here), that person isn't partner material. That's just wrong on so many levels.

Yes, I'm often one to tell people here that attraction is not a choice. However, the issue here is not about attraction, its about repulsion. The repulsion is coming from stereotypes, and trust me I understand why people can get repulsed by otaku culture, but its not the problem with the hobby itself, its about the person's character.




I wonder if you noticed that the very points you just said, I and many others who are responding to uest91 have already pointed it out.


Likewise, don't judge people by stereotypes/misunderstandings. If someone does something to bore you, or offend you and you move away, that's fine and totally understandable. However, if you assume a person's character based on your assumptions from stereotypes, that's just being close-minded.

Try to understand, that there are 2 problems here
1. TS's approach with women needs work (if his hobbies doesn't attract women, then attract them some other way)
2. Society could do with less stereotyping

You people talk as though you must take sides, you don't. I can agree to both and still hold a discussion no?

Yes, relationships are hard to maintain, and I agree with you on understanding them.

The key point here is that you have to understand your partner, not necessarily the things he does or is interested in. Part of being an understanding partner is to accept that there are things your partner does that you'll never understand or fathom but is important to them. So you have to support it. It just seems that you and your current BF have a lot of compatibility so you've not faced such an issue?


I'm not asking you to take sides, I'm just trying to understand your train of thought. I'll change my approach, and see if this is more understandable.

Lets start with a scale of -10.....0....10, where -10 is totally disgusting, 0 is neutral, 4 is enough to be BF material and 10 is your dream guy. Lets say you BF now is at 8 (you seem compatible in many ways). Now if he gains a hobby you cannot understand and have no interest in, would that deduct from the score of would that new hobby be something neutral to you? If points are deducted, the question is why? and how much would it deduct? enough to break the relationship?

From what I feel from your responses so far, I think it might be a deduction, but not enough to break the relationship as you've a lot of other points to connect on, so having a few things you can't connect with shouldn't be that much of a problem. Am I right?

That's a problem. You see it as a deduction when at best it should just be neutral, no deductions, no additions. Even worse, even with a strong foundation, you believe it will end up breaking your relationship. No one is telling you to like it or to be attracted by it. At the same time, you shouldn't dislike it either. Staying in such a mindset is priming yourself for huge problems in the future.

The problem with your ex is that you guys were just incompatible, there was nothing to connect on unlike your current BF. That's why things that didn't interest either of you broke the relationship; there was nothing else holding it as a foundation. Your current relationship has this, so any extra developments shouldn't destroy the core foundation, yet your mind believes it will.

To be clear, I'm not judging your relationship, but I'm pointing out a danger point in your mindset. I don't know how long you've been with your current BF, but if you consider that you'll be with him till your death then consider that you easily have another 50-60 years together. Do you really think during that time neither of you will develop different and new interests? That you will remain exactly as you are now?

In the end its your life and your choice. You can reflect on what I've said and see whether it really applies to your relationship in the present and its future, or you can just ignore it and see how you'll fare if he develops an interest you can't share/understand.

Don't focus on the anime/toys part. Those are just a variable in the equation. You can swap it out with anything else and the problem will still be the same as long as you don't like it or don't understand it; it will be a problem. You are creating a weakness in your relationship, which for now is ok, but the moment that spot gets hit, it will be break.


Why must be so extreme? Just because he gets a new hobby that you're not interested in or don't understand (once again, not necessarily anime related), doesn't mean you can't still share your fun together right? If you can still share interests, would it still be a problem? Do you need to share 100% of your interests? He share 80% of his interest with you tak cukup? Eventually will break up? I don't think so right.


Is it truly trust if you have to force each other to only do things you both like? Are either of you truly being understanding if you don't allow your partner to do things cause you don't like it or simply can't understand it? You make your relationship sound very unsupportive and restrictive, and from most couples I know that often ends up badly sooner or later.

You don't have to think of the actual possibilities. You just need to come up with a framework on how to evaluate your relationship. If it brings no harm to the core of your relationship, then whatever either of you do shouldn't be a problem right? Can't you be supportive and understanding if your partner is going to grow in an area you do not have interest/understanding in?


Why so defensive?