cschong, just some comments I thought of:

1. I don't think there's any problem with writing it in English. You might want to use Public Works' Department instead of Jabatan Kerja Raya though, no big deal.

2. I also don't see the point of sending in two different languages, my first thought was like, eh you think government cannot read english ah?

3. I attached hereby ---> "Attached herewith..."

4. You could possibly expand on how you helped other students and what quantifiable results came out of it.

5. At the beginning , instead of writing to inform them of your interest, perhaps you can just say you are interested / to express your interest. Also expand more on what you want. It just seems a bit "ok I have now informed you I am interested for industrial training. good bye" How long is your training? Why do you want to train at JKR? How can you contribute?

And well, take all this with a pinch of salt!

Good luck!