Jul 28 2009, 02:10 PM, updated 10y ago
- You're giving up all control over the outcome. All the power is now in her hands to either say yes or no. There's nothing you can do about it anymore.
- You're putting unnecessary pressure on her. Suddenly she has to decide then and there how she feels about you, when she may not even be sure herself yet. And she may be afraid of hurting you if she says no. It's not fair to put her in such a position.
- You're asking her to love you back. You don't ask for love. You offer it, and if she accepts, she will offer hers in return.
- You're setting up an unrealistic expectation. Since you asked for her love, she will tend to see you as someone who always has to earn it. She will see herself as a princess to you, because you played the role of a beggar to her.
- You're creating the impression that you're ashamed to have feelings for her. Because that's what a confession is - an admission of guilt or wrongdoing.
- You're making a huge dramatic moment out something very small. Liking a girl is ultimately a small thing.
Those last two points are perhaps the most important to understand. Just because you've met a girl whom you have the hots for, doesn't mean she's The One OMG!!!11 And wanting to date her doesn't mean you're asking her to promise to marry you ASAP. If you're thinking this way, then of course you're ashamed to admit you like her, because you're expecting far more than she can realistically give. You're probably doing all you can to keep your feelings secret from her and everyone else like a lovesick schoolboy.
Stop being a lovesick schoolboy. Mature adults are not ashamed of their feelings. Whether you've fallen head over heels for her, or you just think she's really really pretty, you should not be afraid to show it - to her. And you can show it in a way that flatters her, that makes her feel desired, and that does not make her uncomfortable.
1) Eye contact. You know how two people tend to not look each other in the eye for too long? That there's usually a time limit before both people look away? Well, if you like this girl, maintain eye contact just a little longer than the time limit. Look at her just a little longer than necessary. Then give her a little smile before looking away. Don't stare, don't glue your eyes to her all the time. Just don't be afraid to show that you like looking at her.
2) Make her laugh. It's one thing to get her to talk comfortably with you. It's another thing for her to enjoy talking to you, so much so that she remembers how much she enjoys talking to you. Be at your wittiest and most charming, put some effort into making her laugh. Don't be too shy to say something like, "Hey, wanna hear a joke?" Then tell her a dozen jokes, one after another. Let her know that you're purposely trying to make her happy.
3) Remember the things she says. Listen to what she has to say, then show her that you listened. If she mentioned her dog Poochie, greet her with "Hi, how's Poochie?" the next time you see her. If she mentioned she has trouble sleeping, ask her if she slept well the next day. If she likes a certain TV show, find out when the show airs, then ask her how was last night's episode the next day. Better yet, watch the show, so that you can talk about it with her. You can even tell her you didn't like the show - the fact that you watched it just because of her is flattering enough.
4) Physical proximity/contact. This is a tricky one, so be very careful. Position yourself closer to her - not too close, but a little closer than normal. You know the distance between friends, and the distance between bf and gf? You want to be exactly halfway in-between. (And better make sure you're wearing deodorant!) Similarly, give her a little touch every now and then, but be careful. Touch her shoulder when you want to get her attention. When talking to her, pat her on her arm to emphasize a point; if you've gotten close enough to her, you can try her thigh. When walking together, put your hand on the small of her back to guide her in a different direction. Just don't let your hand linger there too long.
You know what's the best thing about all these? They are measurable. Meaning, you will know instantly whether or not they're working. If she likes you, she will return the eye contact with you; she will laugh at all your jokes; she will appreciate the fact that you remember things about her; she will stand close to you, and she will touch you. If she doesn't, then you'll know she's not interested. By doing these things, you're not only showing her you like her, you're also giving her the option of gently rejecting you - or subtly encouraging you.
And if you're getting all the right signals from her, it's time to move on to:
5) Ask her out. Just you and her. None of the rest of your gang. Nobody else. Yes, it's a date. It could be a movie, it could be a drink at a coffee place, or if you're really confident, it could be dinner at a nice restaurant. Don't treat it as if it's a big deal, as if by saying yes she'll be making a big commitment to you. Keep this in mind if she's reluctant - say, "Hey, it's just a movie/coffee/dinner, I'm not asking you to marry me laa."
And after you do all this, after you've got the date... then what?
Then you just let it happen naturally. And believe me, if you've gotten this far and the girl has been showing all the signs of liking you, it will happen naturally. Which may be a surprise if you've always thought that tackling a girl is a long, gruelling, agonizingly difficult task that involves a "confession". You may be surprised at how easy it was. Which is as it should be. (And don't give me that "if it's easy to get, you won't appreciate" nonsense.
) If a guy and a girl like each other, they should fall into a relationship easily.This is how mature adults do it. And even if you are a lovesick schoolboy, you should still do it this way. Because it's the right way to do it.
Note: these are not 5 steps. They're only arranged in that order from most to least daring, but you don't need to follow the order - except that if you want her to say yes to no. 5, you should've gotten good responses to nos. 1-4 first. No. 3 obviously only works from the second time you see her onwards, but if you're getting signals from her during your very first meeting, then by all means ask her out there and then. They're not 5 steps, they're 5 ways.
This post has been edited by n00b13: Aug 5 2009, 12:20 PM
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