10) Braziiiiil

Every neutral’s favourite team thanks to their silky, orgasmic, samba football. Even when they have a target man as their centre forward and play counter-attack under Dunga, everyone loves Brazil.

A Brazilian 28-year-old is usually about 34, with the top stars like Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, and Adriano ‘retiring’ at 28. Every Selecao star has ‘Brazilian magic’ - even Gilberto and Luis Fabiano.

9) Dutch Infighting

Holland’s chances of ever winning anything are always compromised by blazing rows that break out within the squad. At Euro ’96 it was Edgar Davids, at France ’98 Winston Bogarde caused the problems.

Their 4-3-3 is far too open and expansive during knockout matches, but it is Dutch tradition, so they keep on playing it anyway.

8) Hot-Headed Balkans

When things are going well, the Balkan countries, particularly those from the former Yugoslavia, will play beautiful technical football. However, when things start to go wrong, they will hit the self-destruct button, by destroying the opposition.

Yellow and red cards will spray like confetti; the referee will be accused of being against them. When the Balkan countries are holding onto a 1-0 lead, expect countless tactical fouls and time-wasting tricks.


Sinisa Celebrates Another Red Card

7) Dirty & Crafty Argies

Argentina are blessed with outstanding technical players, but their mentality is to win at all costs. The players are cunning and dirty, with little kicks off the ball, pulling shirts – anything to help defeat the opposition. Diego Maradona’s 'Hand of God' is considered as crafty rather than cheating.

Like the Balkan nations, Argentina will crack up when the game is lost, and it makes them feel better to exit with a bang by getting a few players sent off.


The Hand Of Einstein

6) Portugal – No Striker Since Eusebio

Portugal have not had a decent centre forward since the time of Eusebio - who, as it happens, remains one of the greatest the world has ever seen (and was from Mozambique - but that's another debate for another day).

They possess some world class attacking midfielders who create gilt-edged opportunities, but no one is able to put the ball in the back of the net. The lack of a top-class striker stopped them from winning anything during ‘The Golden Generation’ and now, it seems as though the current World Player of the Year, Cristiano Ronaldo, may not even make an appearance at next summer's World Cup.


Eusebio rejected a 2006 World Cup recall

5) Central Africa – Hard-Working Nutcases

Central and West African nations are all blessed with lightning speed, strength, and athletic prowess but they are tactically naïve and clumsy. Also, every African midfielder will usually be assumed to be a defensive 'water carrier', even one who attacks as freely and effectively as Michael Essien or Achille Emana.

They will usually be praised for being really hard workers, as if that's all they have to offer. The goalkeepers, meanwhile, are extremely agile and elastic, but oh so erratic, and prone to drop a cross or fumble a harmless shot through their hands and watch it roll, Paul Robinson style, into the back of the net.

4) Spain – Underachievers

Spain start every tournament as favourites, and boast some of the most talented players in the world, but they always fail to live up to expectations. La Furia Roja are weak mentally and psychologically, and crack under pressure.

Despite being technically perfect, they are physically vulnerable, can be bullied, and lack efficiency. Their players – be them Catalan, Basque or Galican – care more about their own regions and don’t even consider themselves Spanish.

3) England – Kick & Rush Long Ball

England are a kick-and-rush team, who only know how to lump long balls forward to the likes of Emile Heskey and Peter Crouch. The Three Lions have no technique, can’t string five passes together, they can only play rough and physical, and their only means of scoring is headers off set-pieces and corners.

The English press proclaim them favourites before every major tournament, only for them to flop. England always lose on penalties, while their fans are drunken hooligans.


Heskey falls over whenever he tries to kick the ball

2) Italy - Catenaccio Cheaters

Italy are boring, and their team is full of slow, old players, who dive their way to victory. Italian football is inherently corrupt, the nation are bad losers and blame everyone but themselves whenever they are eliminated from tournaments.

The Azzurri play Catenaccio, and only think about defence. Their players all put the ball over the bar from penalty kicks, like Roberto Baggio.


"Whining Mama's Boys, I'll show them," says Moreno.

1) The Germans - Efficient

A stereotype not confined solely to the football field. Germany are the most efficient nation on the planet, well-organised, professional, resourceful, and clinical. If they have one chance, they will score.

Germany don’t suffer from nerves, they always win penalty shootouts, and they can never be written off. Even if they possess a dreadful team with two blithering idiots at centre back, they will still at least reach the final. If Die Mannschaft are losing 2-0 and being outplayed, expect them to spark a famous late comeback and take the game to extra time.


Andreas Brehme was so efficient he could even fly