Hello everyone,

Just a gist of it, I am paying for the house loan, the utilities & groceries (milk & diaper for my baby) and my bring home pay is around 30k per month & the Mrs is bringing home around 5k a month.

We had a fight this month and she exploded saying she doesn't get any money from me & her colleagues husbands all "put money in their purses when they see its empty".

I am reluctant to give because majority of the money I make goes to my son's education via investments & I do not expect her to chip in at all for the maintainance of the family well being.

Am I the asshole?

You're not an asshole but if you earn 30k I believe a little bit wont hurt. Benefit outweighs the risk.

This post has been edited by db07mufan: Jun 12 2021, 11:16 AM

You make 30k which is quite a hefty amount, it's no harm opening another fund for you to put some money into so that your wife can enjoy a little.

NTA, but you do love your wife and you also want her to be happy right ? Bagi chance la

Money can buy happiness

Thanks for the reply. I asked her how much you think I should give you to be comfortable. She asked for 5k which I think is lunacy. The work I do is very skill intensive and I come home feeling very exhausted everyday so in my mind why do I have to do this when an office 9 to 5 worker doesn't do much gets double?

Sorry I'm just ranting now cuz I'm pretty upset.

How much do you think is reasonable?

This post has been edited by Avangelice: Jun 12 2021, 11:22 AM

Don't berkira sangat with how much you make and how much you contribute to your household. If you can afford it, giving some to your wife is a sign of affection. Being too calculative with what you earn and keeping tabs on your financial responsibilities can cause disharmony in a marriage. A happy and contended wife makes your life easier too so why count the pennies?

ETA : Saw your reply above on she asking for RM5k. If you think the number is ridiculous, work it out and negotiate. Shutting her off completely might be the reason why she exploded in the first place.

This post has been edited by citymetro: Jun 12 2021, 11:24 AM

If your cont to fight like this, separation is coming soon.

Because she see capability in you !

Maybe she cannot 'see' the investment part you are doing. The money with her is more secured.

Ask her why she need so much ? Can bincang what.

You already had your answer in mind from the way you posted your topic. I personally feel that if you are not willing and do not trust your wife that you can give her your full RM30k per month every month, and then you gives you back whatever you think you deserve (she literally becomes the finance minister of the house), then I don't think both of you trust each other

This is how we manage the financials when we first get married. We agreed 50% of salary will be deposit into joint family account. Obviously the money grow fast inside

Because those are joint money, each time we want to dig into it to use, we'll seek each other agreement. There's mutual understanding there.

Can give this a try. When your wife has sense of responsibility, the behaviour will change

She doesn't save & invest and every month I hear her tak cukup duit. She spends on shopping I reckon. Beats me I thought her money is gets, just dou job to keep a roof over our heads and be comfy. Mana tau she's been suppressing herself

You are right I do not trust her. If I let her handle our money, when the storm comes we don't have any savings at all.

Her upbringing issue, .....similar like my spouse. Luckily she dont demand but pretend nothing happen at counter ! So I avoid going shopping ... lol

This post has been edited by mini orchard: Jun 12 2021, 11:33 AM

Based on what youre saying, I kinda get why you're reluctant and a part of me wants to say kudos for staying your ground and Mrs shouldnt be listening to her friends, these things will only ever make things worse.

But none of us here really know you or your wife to give a piece of fair advice. But being married to your wife, Im sure to some degree you understand your wife and the things that influence her. So give it time and then talk to her about it, hopefully one that doesn't end with an argument.

If that calm reasonable heart to heart talk does not bring a favorable conclusion then, by the obvious, you would have to decide if some money is worth more than your relationship/family.

Also, I could only assume you child is still a baby given the milk and diapers, so maybe you still go easy on saving up for his education. Being prudent for the future is great and all but sometimes "right now" is more important.



add: :< 5k allowance on top of her bring home of 5k , when she does not contribute to the household maintenance is too much. Im sorry I dont think youre the one to compromise on this.

This post has been edited by Ayedd: Jun 12 2021, 11:39 AM

Same. All my work clothes are scrubs and just cheap uniqlo tees

When she spends she can spend 500 to 900 without thinking twice.

I wanna get an electric mop that cost 600 I think twice until didn't get it

Sound advice. I'll take heed. Thank you

Ur wife asshole
Tell her stop comparing to her friend

That 5k she use for what ?
If she not chipping in for food / house / kids
Then she jolly all 5k ?

If u wanna give
Not allowance but occasional gift is okay / cloth or so would be nice

TLDR: tell missus to be grateful of what she have

I added below on my original post..

I have nothing more to add, but i do wish you well and luck on whatever decision you make.


add: :< 5k allowance on top of her bring home of 5k , when she does not contribute to the household maintenance is too much. Im sorry I dont think youre the one to compromise on this.

A bit asshole. She feels you only threat her like baby making machine.

Is about the kids not her.

When actually she will be the one accompany until your old days not your kids.



I gaji less than 5k time also give my gf a bit a bit once awhile

U pay for everything and she still wants 5k from you? Lol thats a bit much no…if 1-2k still ok la but wahlao she already makes 5k and spends on herself only i assume why she need another 5k? To waste on dresses and makeup?

unlike men, women are wired differently.
we box everything in compartments. money, work, marriage

but for women, everything is connected.

firstly, she just had a baby, her emotions are all jumbled up

its not the amount of money, but what the significance is behind the giving.
negotiating with her like an employee is a bad move.
her complaint is that her collegues spouse put money into their purse when they see its empty. it could be anything from RM10-RM10000! the amount was not the issue but the thought of it that counts.

second, when you married her, did you have a thought in your mind that there will be another wife in the future? certainly not, right? if so, what is the issue with giving her 5k as she will be just keeping it if she is a good wife.

for the sake of your marriage relationship, you have to do the man thing.

buy her flowers, if she like them
apologise for not giving her an allowance before she asked
in other words, romance her la like you did before you married her.

and give her the allowance she asked for, say that you actually meant to invest it for the son, but she comes first (mean it la).

a marriage relationship is a dynamic one, it changes like the weather depending on the kinds of input you put into it.

all the best to you.

She washed ur underwear n clothes n give birth a son, okay 5k is reasonable can consider.

you guys need to sit down and see it as a combined household income and work out what needs to go to where. it's not about who earns the most in the family and who earns lesser. If this was the case you should have put this as a criteria before you get married or check her background so that you are marrying a partner your same level.

The fact that you have a kid with her says that the above is not really an issue for you so just sit down and write down all income streams and agree on these are the funds going to these different expenses.

Work it out, that what married couples should be doing. Understand what she needs when she said she wants some extra allowance?. is she paying for her own car and her own expenses is still quite high?.

She doesn't do my laundry or cook FYI. I do those things at home

What she just did was to compare you to some irrelevant strangers out there, and that is toxic, just like how you should not compare your kids to other kids who score better, and say why can't you do the same. This might be one of the reasons you're upset, and I think she should know what she said has hurt you. But again, this is a one sided story from you, so I hope you keep an open mind that you may have also said something that hurt her.

The amount of money is very relative to every person, every amount may mean differently. For example....
To me, I earn way less so 5k a month is A LOT, but 500 is acceptable. To her (my guess), you earning 30k is a whole lot, 5k should be easy money.
To you (my guess), 5k to "waste" is too much, because there isn't enough to spare after all the expenditures.

So I think what's missing is a breakdown of both of your expenditures.
You need to justify to her where all that money you have is going, and what's a comfortable amount you can give to her.
She needs to tell you why she wants that amount, for what, and how is she is currently spending her own money.
Both have to be transparent and open to each other's view. I understand why you say you don't expect her to contribute to the family expenditures at all, considering the fact that you make a whole lot more. But it sounds to me that at the same time, you sound a little condescending to your wife, that she is totally not spending at all for the family and her own 5k goes to branded bags. Sorry if my assumption of your thoughts came completely off, but if it has any hint of truth at all, then you ought to learn how she's spending, so that you can have a peace of mind that the amount you are about to give is an amount you're okay with going down the drain. But then again, I believe that financial planning is a must for everyone and I'm not talking about investment; I mean the awareness of your money inflow and outflow, so that you can make better decisions and plan for the rainy days.

All that said, allow me to shamelessly introduce to you my annual budget tracker spreadsheet check it out in my signature, if you'd like to try it out with your wife

Honestly speaking, your wife is vulnerable to other men who can splurge money.

I am not trying to frighten you but you need to do something and not brushed it aside.

When I enquire about her money spending she says the make up I buy is so I look good for you. You don't want to be seen with a run down wife right? Clothes? Also same.

She says she wants a maid and I said no eventhough she doesn't do any house chores. I ask about her cc and it seems to be always maxed out. When we first got married I was shocked she was just paying her maxed out cc with monthly minimal payment & had to settle it by closing one of her ILP & close the cc.

Now she's back with the cc problems.

Not wee bit worried about that. My parents are divorcees. Not a stranger to using marriage as a black mail

u give rm3k is enough... her RM5K is more than enough for her... my wife earned more than me still complaining i dont give her money... i paid almost everything in the house.. house loan, car loan, utility bill, her ipad(2), iphone& recently spent rm20K reno kitchen for... now i am fkin broke... last time i remembered i asked rm400 to pay for the car loan, half amount of it... tidak kena layan but she paid RM700 essential oil scam, kain kayangan, periuk kayangan & coway air filter....
u can never satisfied them...

Not refering to blackmail thou but one who 'enjoys' sitting in the middle of the fence.

She doesn't do any house chores and have credit card debt? These 2 already red flag but nasi sudah jadi bubur. Good luck to you TS.

[12/06, 11:56] : I'm open to discussion
[12/06, 11:56] : I'm opening up now
[12/06, 11:56] : And I don't mind discussing
[12/06, 11:57] : You shut me down now then you suppress it
[12/06, 11:57] : Next time we fight you bring it up again
[12/06, 11:57] is that fair to me?


[12/06, 11:59] Other ppl don't even need to hv this kinda discussion
[12/06, 11:59] The husband just give
[12/06, 12:00] Cos it just be a biz transaction
[12/06, 12:00] No different from a hooker and her client

Sounds like she is financially illiterate and is assuming that your wealth is also hers (without understanding where your money actually goes). She also sounds incredibly spoiled and has princess syndrome... Huge red flag, I'm inclined to agree 5k to her is unwise, but also you gotta help her learn to manage her finances. If she cannot keep her spending in check and always maxing out CC, she will always wait for your money to bail her out, and continue to splurge, that can't end well even for your marriage...

Her argument of spending on makeups doesn't make sense because you don't eat makeups it's a yearly/quarterly purchase depending on how much you apply. Me personally, it's once every expired products (3 years+?) Because I only use makeup in formal occasions, which is really rare. But that was probably figurative... That she meant to spend on beauty packages like facial, eyebrows yadayada (and yes this can be pretty expensive). But again, "for you" is a poor excuse to justify her splurging, because I'm sure you very much prefer to see her in simple clothes and looks, and you take your 5k put into your children's education. Or unless you actually care a lot about her becoming your trophy wife to show off around...?

This post has been edited by Takudan: Jun 12 2021, 12:13 PM

5k salary, no commitment and max out cc?
i suggest both sit down and discuss not arguing

if you don't see this behavior during dating, then good luck mate.

This is why you should've talked about finances and got a prenup in advance.

[12/06, 12:25] Anyways I don't see a point of discussing
[12/06, 12:25] Cos that just seems rather sad and pathetic on my part
[12/06, 12:26] : How sad that I need to hv a discussion to see how much my husband is willing to give his money from his heart
[12/06, 12:26] I rather not have any money from u
[12/06, 12:26] And just depend on myself
[12/06, 12:26] I hv been doing that all this while

Sigh... Guys help? I'm so lost on what to do

This post has been edited by Avangelice: Jun 12 2021, 12:27 PM

I will give my wife rm5-6k if she full time housewife and take the child else rm1-2k if she earned rm5k.

Both of you are on the same team.
I'm not sure if you're trolling or not, if it's copy paste from another place, all of the message log should have the same format [12/06, xx:xx] : , however some have ":" and some don't. But lets give you the benefit of the doubt.

Financials goals, same life goals are important in a marriage.
I wonder how come this was not talked / surveyed before marriage.

I suggest you can give some money to cover daily meals / spendings that can be in a joint account.
If can teach her to do budgeting will be better.

In the end if fight and both unable to see eye to eye and later divorced? You have to pay alimony also same.

LMAO wait this came from her?? Wow I'm surprised she's willing to equate herself to hooker to get free money from you.
Did I misunderstand something? Why does she want to degrade your relationship into a business transaction? If she mean by discussing it, turns it into a business, then I have to question how you guys have been carrying on with your marriage for so many years without a single financial discussion.......

this is the problem of modern men
they forgot to put their women in their place.
since you make rm360k a year, you should've asked her to stop her job and do things to make your life better ie cooking, additional skills

no your wife is an asshole.

you pay all the maintenance, yet she still want you to give her money.

she cares for your money obviously.

The kid mot hers?

I'm the last person you think will troll on kopitiam serious section. I removed our names from the texts. When I copied paste our full names appear.

Because we married thinking the husband pays for everything which I accepted. This hit me like a lorry when she said I didn't give her allowance like other husbands.

If you don't mind me asking which part of this convo is hers? This plus the cc part and justification for spending and lack of picking up the slack in your household is indicative of something serious and deep rooted.

This post has been edited by 9m2w: Jun 12 2021, 12:34 PM

[12/06, 11:59] Other ppl don't even need to hv this kinda discussion
[12/06, 11:59] The husband just give
[12/06, 12:00] Cos it just be a biz transaction
[12/06, 12:00] No different from a hooker and her client

Hers

it could be that what she really wanted is more attention from you? she feeling not enough in heart so ask for money and compare to peers. Have you been spending time with her or that does not work too?

do you have kids?
if not, just divorce her
this kind of attitude im surprised you didn't screen before marriage

yes, didnt bring anything to the table other than sex and DEMAND.

I would say 2k-3k

Ah sorry. What you said make sense now you mentioned.
So in the end make her understand that her money is hers. She can do what she want with it.

Your money is your family's money. She have to understand that as well.
- Savings for future.
- Savings for rainy day.
- For kids in future. (if in plan / pipeline)

If budget RM40 per day for meals and roof all covered by you.
About RM1'500-2'000 for her to cover any house improvements / meals together sounds fair?

Hope you can resolve this happily among both parties in the end.
Wish you luck.

5k for allowance is a bit too much for her. As she gonna waste it all. How about give her 1k first and teach her about how to manage her money. Max cc already a red flag showing her finance illiterate

30k, vs your wife 5k. Even if u spend 15k for all the things u mentioned still have 10k probably after tax. Give wife 1-2k per month I don't see any problem. Wife happy u also happy. Night time both happy.
Unless u are saying your pay 5k n wife also 5k then of coz no need to give la. Common sense bro. Happiness more important than the money.

her money is her money, your money is her money
do you see female logics here

What is the notion of marriage to her ? Is it just partnership ?

These seems to be a bit odd, what's the context here ?

[12/06, 12:00] Cos it just be a biz transaction
[12/06, 12:00] No different from a hooker and her client

Sigh

You got to have a heart to hear talk. What you make is beside the point, and from what you say you're more than pulling your weight in the family. I fear you give in its never gonna be enough. Elephant in the room is frankly her attitude . Shes not acting like an adult and a wife and mother

Good luck 🤞

wtf ?!

why are you surprised.

I opened up to discussion on how much she should think I should give her per month after she exploded during our argument about me not giving her any money.

Her thinking is that discussing about it is beneath her. I shouldn't be talking just give.

So my understanding is I give 500 is good? Since don't need to discuss right?

Trying to right now. She's not giving in discussing with me. Now she shut down texting me

hey, whatever that floats your boat man !

From all the replied I see from you above...
I think you are not ready for a family.. better divorce...give the lady more freedom...

And what happens to my son? He lives without a mom or dad? Or having to know that's not his biological mom or dad?

how old. Earn the custody of your son
he cant be staying under her influence, its spolt

biological father and mother can still meet up, does not have to be after divorce become like enemy. still can be friend etc...
kids are the collateral damage in a divorce, nothing will be the same again. At least ur heart is more serene after this.

she's just shaming you because cant get what she wanted
sit down and have a rational discussion with her
ask her what she can bring to that table with rm5k, why not just 2k?

KEK... You priotize your kids which will leave you when they reach 20 instead of your wife which will stay with you till death do apart.

Is 500 a chump change you can afford to give without feeling bitter about it? If yes, by all means please go ahead. But she wants to play cold war to get her ez 5k by you giving in, and 500 is a mere 1/10 of it. I doubt she will be happy with this arrangement... I may be presumptuous of her problematic attitude from your one sided story though. But 500 is a good starting ground for you to say, "we clearly don't understand each other and both of us have any idea of where the money on each side is going. I am okay to give you 500 without any discussion because I want you to be happy with me, but if you're not satisfied with that, I want us to sit down and have a proper financial discussion for the first time."

If anything, the lady is the one not ready for it... Did you read his posts?

Haaa ?

Kid less than 7 yo - mom side.

Whatever ts have - chances of 50-50 spilt.

Monthly alimony - duno brape ?

Ur calculator ade rosak not ?

This post has been edited by ShadowR1: Jun 12 2021, 02:23 PM

From all the bad things that you have mentioned about her attitude, there ought to be some good in her also right? Otherwise you wouldn't be married to her. Concentrate on the positive side of her, and give whatever amount that you think commensurate to your love for her. But of course u do not need to enrich her to the point of making urself becoming a pauper lah

Frankly speaking you're already a responsible husband and father. You've given her more than a stable life and picking up the slack at home. I think you probably shouldering the burden of taking care of the kids during weekends too I guess? The issue with her I suspect is more deep rooted than husband not giving pocket money. If she has any sense she'll come to realise how good a deal she has and open up to you. Give it some time.

All the best

Have you seen how our education in Malaysia is failing and how much is it to send a kid or two to UK? As a parent we want the best for our kids so I'm putting all my best for him. To her putting him first and foremost means I'm a shitty husband

Because she thinks you spending on multiple woman outside and not even spending on your own wife

responsible husband and father but failed to teach his women
that's a sign of beta bucks without alpha traits.

What does your wife even contribute in this relationship lol

Give her 3000. Tell her ada bonus abang bagi extra ok sayang. Im sorry i love you.

If she still upset then you can pm me. I give you my account number. #nottrolling

Well i am a man i feel you quite shitty putting kids over wife in life. And what you mean our education is failing. Teacher resign, School getting smaller. School lack of fund. Don't tell me how teacher doing teaching quality drop. That is subjective and open to interpretation.

I'm not interested to go into the details of alpha or beta, but in my book TS got my respect. And by right adults should well behave like adults. If need spouse to rein in... Something is wrong and it ain't the spouse

earn rm360k per year, still need to open thread?
already so high value liao still need to kowtow to a woman
this is so hilarous lah bang

If you are paying for all the household expenses and she does not need to contribute, yet she is asking for "monthly allowances" ... that could be a bit too much, I guess. However, no one really know what kinda lifestyle you two are living and all, so we can't really say much right ?

How long have you been married now ?

Maybe you can give this some thought, instead of giving her the 5k per month, setup a joint investment account ? You fund it with say 5k (or whatever amount you are comfortable with) , then spend the interest or profit ?

If she just want 5k allowance and blow it all on herself ... that's a no for me

Stop and pick it up at a later time and give each other some time ba.

Okay serious recommendation here bro.

Calm down. Relax first. You got a huge paycheck and I know you are working for your children's future. Solve this first.

Small problem later become big problem. Your wife mention about empty wallet and then husband will top up the said wallet with money. You asked for your wife for the figure, of course she will come out with a drastic figure such as 5k RM.

Calm down le. You earn so big paycheck but can't chill? Your wife is emotional after the birth and her friends are comparing, hence your wife felt like she's not getting the positive side of being married. You also look at negativity more than positivity.

Now, calm down already? Don't negotiate with her on how much it can be. You talk properly with her and say that you see where she's getting into, you took some time to think through it, and you are working on this. If she loves you, she will totally understand that she is at fault too. This is when she will start to negotiate or come terms with you. Relax brah!

all she wants is burberry, hermes bag

Well I guess it shows hes a bigger man by willing to talk to the wife instead of dumping her by the way side.

Man up and stand your ground lah. She is just comparing with her peers. Later one day her friend said every month their husband put 50k on their purse. And another her friend bla bla? how?

Financial independant is the way

U give and pay everything now later konlan7firm she quit job and everything on u

U dont have to kowtow to sjw saying u save for child future

Its your damn fuking own hard earn money u gotta make sure u r happy first then your child will be happy

Fuck those old ancient mind set live your life for your child blabla

If your child see u enslave yourself for them. They will grow up happily and proud ar? Or fuking stress?

Tldr; how much u spend on marriage =/= marriage happiness

This post has been edited by JungWoo: Jun 12 2021, 01:33 PM

who negotiates this kind of matter on social media?
he should have already soft next her at this point
the way she replies there, already shown red flag

Now a day modern era, many actually did said that, never fully trust someone even your own spouse. Which have some kind of logic especially in long run, some will understand. If u dont trust her to handle money, then u have to talk to her, be honest abt it. But of cos she will not be happy to hear that. Your situation is very very hard to tell. U may look calculative to her but with good intention at some point like buying house stuff and control her from wasting money. I understand ur type. If once ur wife cant handle money and keep spend for shopping, so who else can handle her if not u.
I think she type of lady dont wanna kalah with others, especially to her friends/kolik that she said their husband give them money. Dont wanna kalah attitude also one issue, wanna mirror those classy friends outside is not good also. Tell her she need to be moderate. Marriage happiness is not all about money, if money make her happy means she marry u just want your money. Money cant buy happiness from girl who really sincerely love u. But money can buy happiness from girl who only want ur money and not sincerely loving u.

Just discuss more with her. She need to respect u as husband and as a leader in the family. I not saying ur wife not a good wife, but if money is big issue for her instead of love n care toward family, u need to change her at that point. U are man, she need to follow your pattern. U not a asshole that for sure.

not kowtow ma ... find middle ground ...
sometime woman-on-top also ok de ma ...

Good advice here.

I took a different approach. What I did was to buy her an apartment (now she has 2) and basically she has to manage it herself to get the rental income to supplement her income.

dont wanna kalah with others aka 'alpha' woman?
there's no such thing as alpha woman

hard to believe a leader in the family still need to succumb to a woman verbal pressure

Sorry to say, too many of them outside. Even my own relatives got. See her fren buy expensive handbag, she also ask husband buy expensive handbag for her. See her fren buy bmw, she also keep pujuk2 husband to buy bmw, but husband never buy bmw for her lar lulz!