Shocking news for drinkers in a US scientific journal

Woke with a headache yesterday.

I think I must be severely allergic to alcohol. After just two bottles of wine, I get red-faced, dizzy, I slur my words, and find myself attracted to anything wearing a skirt, including items of furniture.

I called a doctor friend and explained my symptoms.

She listened patiently. "You lose control of yourself after two bottles of wine? That's not an allergy, technically speaking," she said. "We have a special medical term for people like you. We call them 'drunken idiots'."

I thought about this. "I see. Can I get time off work for it?"

I could hear her shaking her head down the phone (her earrings tinkle). "No way. Otherwise government offices in Japan and Russia would be deserted all year round, for a start."
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The booze industry in Asia is in a state of horror over last week's announcement, in a US scientific journal, that 36 per cent of people in the region may be dangerously unable to process alcohol.

The sign is "flushed face" syndrome. This does not mean that you try to flush your head down the toilet, although I have had several hard-drinking friends who have attempted that (and found it surprisingly refreshing). What it means is that if your face goes red after a few glasses of alcohol, you should stop drinking.

This is going to cause massive problems, I tell you, particularly in Japan, South Korea and mainland China, where two days of drinking and nightclubbing constitute the major negotiations for every business deal. The first deal I attended with Japanese buyers went like this.

Me: "Good morning, Kitaro-san. I am delighted that you have come to sign this important contract which will cause both our businesses to flourish for millennia to come."

Mr Kitaro: "Good morning, Vittachi-san. Where is the glass?"

Me: "Do you mean, where is the pen?"

Mr Kitaro: "No. Where is the glass? For the cognac?"

Me: "Ah, I see. I thought we would celebrate the signing of the contract AFTER we sign it."

At this point, the entire Japanese delegation burst out laughing, convinced that I have made the funniest joke they had heard in years.

After they composed themselves, they repeated the question. I ushered them to the nearest nightclub and ordered them a bottle of cognac. Each.

I thought: Hey. These guys are going to be so sozzled that they will have no idea what they are signing. We can TOTALLY take advantage of this situation.

But unfortunately, it does not work like that. Both sides are required to drink exactly the same amount of alcohol, as a sort of bonding ritual.

Once, when I was in China, my hosts were serving Moutai, which is alcoholic cough medicine made from fermented garbage, so I tried to make excuses. I said: "Sadly, I cannot join you in a drink, as I am a life-long teetotaler, and my religion specifies that I will burn in hell for all eternity if one drop of alcohol made from fermented garbage passes my lips."

My hosts laughed uproariously and gave me an extra portion to thank me for my joke.

Afterwards I put my head in the toilet and pulled the flush handle.

You know what? It IS surprisingly refreshing.