I'm not really sure what I expect to gain from posting on these forums. I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone here has been in a similar situation and what they did. My GF and I have been dating for more than a year now and we're usually very careful about our sexual activities, but she missed her period this month (kind of - there's bleeding just not a lot of it ) and so we did a pregnancy test that came up positive. She's going to the doctors today to get confirmation whether or not she's pregnant.

This is happening at a not so good time as although I'm working and earning a decent salary, I don't have much saved up as I've only been working for about a year. She is also earning a good pay and technically speaking we could afford to raise a kid together. But the problem is that our parents would definitely freak out about this and her mum is especially sensitive to these matters. To make matters worse, her mum is not in the best physical shape and telling her this is likely to cause enough stress to break her...

Me and my GF have discussed this and no matter how we try, if she is pregnant, we don't seem to be able to come to a comfortable resolution.. It seems that the only way out of this situation is to terminate the pregnancy...

I'm really reluctant to do this...

This post has been edited by ravager877: Mar 24 2009, 08:23 AM

I think u guys have gotten me all wrong. I'm all for keeping the kid (if she's pregnant) but my GF doesn't think her mum will be able to help it. My parents would be fine with it. I will marry her if she wants to have the child but what if because of this shocking truth, her mum pass away from stroke? Can you live with that?

I'm doing all I can to give the kid a chance but if the cost of having the kid is the loss of her mum and her family.. I'm sorry but the choice is not a choice.

(PS. She already lost her dad so she only has her mum left. )

Law fact - Abortion in Malaysia is illegal after the first trimester. Not before. She's only been pregnant at most 2 weeks which is before the 3rd trimester which means that abortion would be legal.

This post has been edited by ravager877: Mar 23 2009, 10:43 AM

Well the 2nd one will nvr be spoken off so definately no heart attack on second one. And please stop with the 'dont kill a life' arguments cause its not a very good argument. If you bring a child into the world without being able to support it, then u may as well have left the child in a trash can. And her mum is very very sick so yes, its is very likely to send her into cardiac arrest. Take the facts I've given you without speculating that I'm over reacting to her mums condition.

Also, don't give me the "you should have taken precautions" approach. We've been together for more than a year and been sexually active for that duration so we've been taking all the proper precautions. Its just fate that she may have gotten pregnant now. Besides, there's no point crying over spilled milk. I'm just looking for some helpful advice. Not "I told you so's"..

This post has been edited by ravager877: Mar 23 2009, 11:09 AM

Well the 2nd one will nvr be spoken off so definately no heart attack on second one. And please stop with the 'dont kill a life' arguments cause its not a very good argument. If you bring a child into the world without being able to support it, then u may as well have left the child in a trash can. And her mum is very very sick so yes, its is very likely to send her into cardiac arrest. Take the facts I've given you without speculating that I'm over reacting to her mums condition.

Also, don't give me the "you should have taken precautions" approach. We've been together for more than a year and been sexually active for that duration so we've been taking all the proper precautions. Its just fate that she may have gotten pregnant now. Besides, there's no point crying over spilled milk. I'm just looking for some helpful advice. Not "I told you so's"..

reposting this again since some of you are too lazy to scroll up to read the edited posts....

rou rou. ur posts are probably the least useful. please leave this discussion.

well i thank everyone who gave constructive feedback. i will just have to patiently wait for my GF to get back to me with the results from the doctor. We will take it from there. But honestly speaking, we're 80% leaning towards termination of pregnancy. Its a decision being made by both of us and we are prepared to live with the consequences of it. Makes me really sad but that's the best rational outcome....

Sigh. Most of you 'bleeding hearts' are convinced I'm doing this to avoid responsibility. Just so you know I'm gonna marry this woman whether the child is kept or not. But we cannot simply say hey we get married now and have the kid just cause its there... As pointed out countless times, its costly to raise a child and time consuming. Its not like a bloody digital game that you can just turn off whenever it suits you. Me and gf are not ready for that responsibility and it would make for a lousy upbringing. Sure we have the cash, but do we have the time? Its easy to say that we are murderers but I think i would rather be a murderer than a person who neglects his child. Least if i murder a baby they go without knowing anything rather than i torture someone from years of neglect. Hate me if you will curse me if you will I'm already upset that I have to make this decision because believe it or not I was very happy to hear she was pregnant. Its just that this is a terrible time for it to come along...

For those of you who have managed to see things from my end of the deal, thank you and rest assured I will take very good care of my GF. I love her very much and will definitely support her in the rough days to come.

And I will not show her this forum simply because too many of you are out to guilt trip us into keeping the child. You already know that GUILT will be a big part of the process and yet you seem intent on making us feel even guiltier. YOU ARE NOT HELPING. Taking the moral high ground just because you can does make you a better person. It just makes you a snob saying "I'm better than you".

Not staying with parents. Living on my own terms with my GF. How?

Dont see how that changes my situation. I'm 25, Chinese.

Well, for those who are interested, the baby has been confirmed. The doctor confirmed the embryo is 4 weeks old and is about 1.5cm's in diameter. After much discussion with the doctor as well as family planning therapist, it has been decided that we are going to terminate the pregnancy. Termination will proceed this Wednesday so I hope that if indeed you are morally good people as you like to think you are, please pray for me and my gf as we make this very difficult decision. I asked her to keep the pregnancy just because I would like to have a child but after discussing things rationally we both have to agree that this is the best for all parties. On the brighter side of things, I have asked her to marry me and she has accepted. This does not change our decision to terminate the pregnancy as we cannot give the kind of support a child deserves in this troubling age. I may have lost a child... but at least I have gained a fiancee...

Thank you once again for your advice and kind words, especially to those who have supported me in this very difficult choice that I am forced to make...

Sigh.
The whole night spent sleepless. I don't feel guilty. I don't feel that I made a bad decision. I just feel sad that there seems to be no other choice...
We sat down again last night. Cried a lot, told each other we love each other and then did the math to see if we could possibly change our decision...
What a lot of you fail to understand is WHY I say we are financially unready to support a child. The main reason is because we just recently purchased a house together...
On top of which we are renting a house now because the house we bought isn't ready yet...
So in short here's a basic run down of spending...

House (Monthly loan payments) - RM 2,000
Car Loan - RM 500
House Rental - RM 1,000
Food and Utilities - RM 500
Other loans - RM 200 (Minimum Payment)
Support for Family - RM 500
Traveling expenses - RM 800 (Petrol, toll, parking)

Total minimum expenses each month?
RM 5,500 for both of us....

I cannot depend on my parents because my dad just lost his job due to the economic recession and my mum is retiring soon...
Her mum is not working due to her medical condition and her dad passed away a long time ago...
So parents are out of the equation. No one is coming to save us. Cause no one can...
And all these expenses don't even cover income tax, car insurance and other 1 off payments that can happen at any given time...

So yeah.. maybe now u can see clearly the situation. We both agree we would like to keep the child but it just doesn't seem possible at this moment.
We have to face reality in the end. Its easy to say work harder and make more money but if that were honestly true then there wont be any monetary problems in this world just cause you can work harder. Don't forget that to secure a better paying job u need better certification and working experience. Which only come with time.

Based on the numbers above u can tell that me and my GF are earning above average salary and I would definately keep the child if I could but due to commitments already made it just doesn't seem likely. I already work very hard cause at age 25, how many ppl do you know earning my kind of salary? Honestly? Unless your a genius which I am not..
We put away about roughly RM 1.5k each month but remember that accidents do happen and they cause money.

What happens if the baby is born with a medical illness? Medical costs?
What happens if we end up having twins? or triplets? We can budget at max for 1 child... (also very suffer)

Sigh. Don't judge me harshly without understanding my pain. My suffering. My sadness.
We still have today to figure things out but the odds are still 9 : 1 in favor of termination.

For our benefit, we got a very famous doctor from the US to perform a special procedure. Statistical risk of future complication in pregnancy is 0.5% he assures us that it is perfectly safe and that I can be there with my gf when he performs the procedure...

And I will celebrate the 19th of November every year as the day my son / daughter should have been born...

Sigh. You know Pink I really appreciate ur input but you are too emotional. Please calm down. I appreciate ur feedback very much but you are simply looking for reasons to keep the baby. I'm looking at it objectively. Think about it, if I really wanted to destroy this baby I would have stopped replying to this thread by now. This means I'm actively seeking a way to give it a chance.

A lot of you are very simple minded saying that we should not think about the 'What ifs' imagine you buy a car and say to yourself that it wont get into an accident so you dont buy insurance or cause you cant afford insurance. So when accident? You just throw away the car or let it rot in the garage? Contingency plans must exist. It is a fact of life that babies get sick often and that pediatricians are not cheap.

And about moving into a room? Who's gonna take in a young couple with a child? Seriously? Are you even thinking straight? A child who will cry all night long and disturb the other tenants? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

In fact the house we bought was so that we can raise a family. So you want me to throw away ALL OUR HARD EARNED INVESTMENT for a future that is uncertain? Seriously? In this economic crisis where the price of real estate is falling rapidly?

And if you think that 2k per month for a housing loan is too high, u seriously haven't tried buying a house in KL before have you? Grow up and smell the bills.

Those of you who feel that money is so easy to come by, if any complications should arise, will you come to my help? Or you will just say, "Hey not ready, shouldn't have had a child."

And I'm sick of you idiots who say that we didn't take precaution. WE HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE FOR A YEAR YOU MORONS. I HAVE BEEN TAKING PRECAUTION. BUT REMEMBER YOUR CONDOM IS ONLY 99% EFFECTIVE. TAKE THE NUMBER OF TIMES WE'VE HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS OVER THE PERIOD OF A YEAR AND YOU CANT BE SURE THAT THE MINUSCULE 1% DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Sigh... To all you people who say 'Use a Condom'. I pray you all get what you deserve....

We have considered it.. And we're willing to live with that.. We are getting engaged as soon as I can meet up with her mum. If indeed my wife is unable to conceive we are going to accept it. This is not a decision I make lightly. The doctor has told us the risk, they haven't poisoned us to make this decision. In fact they initially adviced us to keep the child as we seem like a stable couple. But after confering with the family planning therapist and crunching the numbers, we would go into serious debt if any complications arise.

You see, when you go to a family planning therapist, they will give you the raw facts. Not some perfect scenario where your child comes out beautiful and grand. They make allowances for possible complication. Of course they don't assume that the child will be born with every complication in the world but they consider common ailments.

You may think we're being negative but its a cruel world we live in and we must be prepared.

About our house... It is for our future. Me and my gf came from poor families and we were raised on a bare minimum. It was rough on us all and we swore we would never put a child through the suffering we had to endure. With a place to call home, our children will never be without a home and we will be better for it.

But today is the last day for our re-consideration. If anyone is serious about helping, I eagerly await you help.

This post has been edited by ravager877: Mar 24 2009, 09:47 AM

Hmm. Thank you so much for that suggestion.. I mean no offense when I say this but a flat doesn't seem like a safe place to raise a child. It's unhygienic, tends to be over populated and heights aren't exactly safe for kids later in life when they are running around. Regardless I will try to speak with my GF on this option to see if we can accept raising a child in a flat. Thank you once again for your recommendation.

On the parents issue... I cannot let my parents take care of the baby simply because they don't live in KL. They live far from KL so I'm very much alone in this.

I'm just gonna try really hard to ignore the ignorant and useless postings because I should have known this was going to happen when I posted on a public forum.

I actually posted this topic up because I don't know who to talk too.. I need to know what are my options and yes you may be able to save a life if you can provide me with even a hint of an idea on how to keep the child.

So those of you who tell people to stop posting or keep saying I should have used a condom or other unhelpful posts like that, you are making me want to read this thread less and less and you are indirectly contributing to killing this child because I may stop reading a post that actually changes my mind. So far the only person that I really feel is helping me decide are Pink and Silver as well as other people who have contributed to helping me.

Just because I think of my ex due to a song doesn't mean I love my GF any less. Ok? I'm human too and it was only a song. Read further along the thread and you will find that I didn't reply to it anymore. I got over it and stopped listening to that damn song. Ok? Happy?

Sigh. Hijack this thread all you like. I'm fed up already. If anyone has anything constructive to say, PM me. Otherwise I'm done. I won't be reading this thread anymore. Pray for me, my fiancee and my unborn child. Hopefull we come to a good conclusion.

As a side note that I find very amusing, the doctor put the child's estimated date of birth at 19/11. I find it amusing that there's a 911 in the child's estimated birthday.