For those unfamiliar with the Twilight books: A clumsy, naive, plain teenage girl (Bella) moves to Forks, Washington where everyone falls in love with her instantly, and she falls in love with a 107 year old vampire boy (Edward) who has never had a boner, never had a personality, and who sparkles in the sunlight. They frolic and have stupid adventures but they do not have sex because vampire boy insists that they get married first. At some point a werewolf (Jacob) falls in love with the teenage girl and she waffles over who she likes more. These books are written by a Mormon authoress who wanted to write a post-Harry Potter young adult romance that she would be comfortable with her daughters reading.

So the final book of the series is about to come out. Like Deathly Hallows before it, street date was broken and copies have been sold, photographed, and distributed on the series of tubes. So now I can bring to you the thrilling conclusion of the Twilight series!

At the conclusion of the last book, Bella and Edward have graduated from high school and Bella has decided that she would rather go ahead and get married now so she can get some cold vampire dong in her instead of going to college. So there's excessive amounts of description of the wedding, blah blah, and they go to a Greek isle for their honeymoon. Edward lays in the sun for a long time, sparkling away, so he can warm up pre-boning his new wife. While the sex scene the fans have been waiting for so long fades to black, you find out that he bruised the hell out of her, and apparently bit all the pillows to pieces which makes me wonder if she was pegging him or something.

Anyway, time passes and Bella is pregnant even though the author has previously said that vampires don't have normal bodily fluids, just venom. Edward freaks out when he finds out and swears he will get her an abortion because their half-vampire mutant baby will eat her from the inside. Bella refuses because she loves her Thing That Should Not Be and they fight about it a lot. Then after a couple of months she falls over and bleeds tons and gives birth to a perfect baby with a full mouth of teeth. Because she is bleeding to death, Edward has to turn her into a vampire and her vampire form is perfect. So they name the baby by squishing two other peoples names together and call her Reneesme, and we find out that she will grow to adulthood in 6 years and then turn into a vampire spontaniously. Apparently this has happened before and people know how it works despite everyone swearing mere chapters before that it was impossible and had never happened before.

Oh yeah, remember Jacob, the werewolf suitor? The moment he sees the mutant spawn he immediately imprints on her, meaning he is filled with a deep romantic love for her and will never be able to leave her side. Bella thinks this is great because she gets to keep both her boys nearby and it won't be creepy at all for her daughter growing up in this situation at all. She can't think of any reason why her daughter might want to pick her own husband.

Blah blah, they have a big showdown with the bad vampires that the characters have been fighting off and on from the beginning of the series. Now all vampires have their own unique powers based off of their personality. Bella's is LOVE AND PEACE SHIELD. Basically, if she loves someone they can't be killed in battle. This would have been awesome if Edward had died in battle and everyone was like "OMG SHE NEVER REALLY LOVED HIM" but no, everyone on the good side survives because of Bella.

So she lives happily ever after in a cottage with her vampire, her mutant baby, and baby's future boyfriend.