condom slogan


1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your d***
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the ****
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out

80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that b****
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
162) Wrap your whopper, then go bop her
163) Protect your cock with the sock.
164) Slip it on before you slip it in.
165) Don't leave it to God, cover your rod.
164) Do a good deed, don't spill your seed.
165) Tub that sub then rub her hub
166) Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen
167) Dam your giver then fill her quiver

---

Added on August 5, 2008, 6:34 pm<removed> JOKES




ODE TO <removed>

Some say it is super.
Some say it is silly.
We hear it works great
for a limp-acting Willie.

You've heard no doubt
Of a starch called Niagara.
We found out by chance
It's what's contained in Viagara.

At ten dollars a pop
This seems like a buy.
But can you suggest it
To your impotent guy?

It's side effects aren't charted
It may be too iffy.
But what some men won't do
For a good old-fashioned stiffy!


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This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new <removed> pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He asked why.

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"


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Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of <removed> and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"


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A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow?

He declines. "It's this <removed>," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. "It's this <removed>," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this <removed>," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm f***ing starving!"


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Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of <removed> and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and poured the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"

No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."


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Bartender: "Joe, you look kinda down, what's the matter?"

Joe: "Well, I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those <removed> pills. The doctor told me they wouldn't help my love life at all."

Bartender: "Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy."

Joe: "The doctor told me it wouldn't help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!"


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The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some <removed>, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doctor prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. Three times! He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"


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A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walgreens and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. He comes out and the man, looking around furtively, asks sotto voce, "Do you sell <removed> here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once, you might."


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The FDA says pilots shouldn't go into the cockpit until 6 hours have elapsed after using <removed>. Strange, I thought you used <removed> to get INTO the cockpit.


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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for <removed>. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."


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Did you hear about the snake that took <removed> and ended up as a walking stick?

They've discovered the secret ingredient in <removed>.
Fix-a-Flat!

<removed> has been a big boon to "stand up" comedians.

The man spent too much money on <removed>: Now, he's hard up.

<removed> in chocolate bars - you eat it ... she says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: "Who put <removed> in the thermometer?"

Bread with <removed> as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm."

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

A guy said that he left his <removed> tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.


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SLOGANS FOR <removed>

"<removed>, the quicker, dicker upper."
"<removed>, one-a-day, like iron."
"<removed>, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight."
"<removed>, home of the whopper."
"<removed>, it plumps when you take 'em."
"<removed>, strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
"<removed>, tastes great, less filling."
"<removed>, ten inches long...and growing."
"<removed>, we work harder, so you don't have to."
"This is your penis. This is your penis on <removed>. Any questions?"
"Get a piece of the rock."
"You've come a long way, baby!"
"<removed>, built ram tough."
"Here's the beef!"
"Just do her."


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HOW TO TELL IF YOUR <removed> IS WORKING

* At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats.
* The paleness of your face (because of the lack of blood)--It's all you-know-where.
* You begin to look at the dog with interest.
* You fall naked and face down on the beach and the point comes out in New Zealand.
* When you come into a sauna, everyone stands up and applauds.
* You begin to thing that your mother-in-law is pretty.
* They begin to call you "the tripod."
* You go out to sunbathe nude and (if you're standing) the birds perch on it to rest, or (if you're lying down) you look like a sundial.
* When you go camping all you bring is the canvas, but you leave the tent poles behind.
* Everyone lets you get in line in front of him or her in the bank, the supermarket, etc.
* Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar, compared with you.
* You always lose limbo contests.
* Lewinsky wants you to be president someday.
* You can make drawings in the sand at the beach without having to look for a stick.
* You had them take down the ceiling fan in the bedroom because you like to sleep on your back.


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Did you hear the first <removed> baby has been born?
It could stand up right away.

What's the generic name for <removed>?
Mycoxafillin.

What do Disneyland and <removed> have in common?
You wait one hour for a two minute ride!

If you do need to take <removed>, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

Before <removed>, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

<removed>, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."

If I give my computer monitor <removed>, will the screen get bigger?

I would only take <removed> for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell!

<removed> Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.

Mix <removed> and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Did you hear that they are giving the old guys in the nursing home <removed> every night?
It keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Did you know they are mixing <removed> and Doans (the backpain medicine)?
It keeps the back from petering out and the peter from backing out.

Are you taking <removed> or are you just happy to see me?

Did you hear about Levi's new jeans for Baby Boomer men?.... They come with just a "<removed>" more room.

For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have <removed>-free zones.

And the New <removed> SMILEY FACE! :---)

What do you get when you cross <removed> with Rogaine?
Don King.

What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and <removed> have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.


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A shipment of <removed> was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals!

They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.


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THE 16 DAYS OF <removed>

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called <removed>. I told him that if he takes <removed>, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the <removed>, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 7
This <removed> thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the <removed> down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.


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A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces the proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, <removed>, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history!"

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife? I haven't been home yet!"

---

Added on August 5, 2008, 6:35 pmDo you know the reason why Singapore government restricts the
citizens not to chew gum? Here is the story....

One day Lee Kwan Yew went to Thailand and had lobster at the dinner
with the Thai King. After Lee finished, he asked the King.
Lee : Your Highness, what can you do with this lobster skin?
King : We cannot do anything with it, we just throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and
produce some prawn cracker.

Then Lee had an orange. After he finished, he asked the King.
Lee : What can you do with the orange skin?
King : We cannot do anything. We just throw away.
Lee : Oh, no. In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce
some orange jam.

Then Lee asked for some chewing gum. After he finished, he put on
the plate and asked the King.
Lee : What can you do with the chewing gum?
King : Oh, no. We just throw it away.
Lee : In Singapore, we send it to the factory and produce condoms
send
it to Thailand.

Lee said good-bye to the King and the King asked Lee.
King : What can you do with the condom when you finish using it?
Lee : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
King : In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send it to
the factory to produce chewing gum and send it back to
Singapore!!! XD


ALL MEN HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!

I have one
Your husband will have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie use's your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced would lose her one
A pope doesn't have one
Madonna doesn't have one
The chinese usually have short ones
While the pakistanese ususally have long ones
After your marriage your husband will give you his one?
Longer or shorter you have to take his one
Do you want one?
How long do u want?
Which one is your preferred one?
Long one or short one?

(see below for the answer)
What are u thinking of?
Are u sure of your answer?


It's your SURNAME, what are u thinking of?
You dirty mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hehehehe........... =P

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Added on August 5, 2008, 6:35 pmWhy New Changi Hospital (NCH) changed its name

to Changi General Hospital (CGH)? Because NCH stands for

"Never Come Home". That's why business was very bad before

it changed its name.



Now CGH stands for "Can Go Home". So business is picking up.



Business in Singapore General Hospital (SGH) is still going

strong because SGH stands for "Sure Go Home"!



Now National University Hospital (NUH) is also considering a

name change. It stands for "No Use Hospital"!

---

Added on August 5, 2008, 6:35 pmWindow Cleaner
Jim was making love to his wife the other day and she kept calling out the name of the window cleaner ... Jim was a little suspicious I can tell you ... until she got up and closed the curtains.
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To be 10 again.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be 10 again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was Reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, What was it like being 10 again?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my Dress Size, you idiot!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

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Get Rich Quick Plan


A gorgeous young woman decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she came up with a plan. She proceeded to find herself a wealthy old man and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problems, even with the more than half-a-century age difference.

On the first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and join her in bed. However, when he did emerge, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearful that her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The old man replied, "There are two things I can't stand ... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

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Second Honeymoon


An elderly couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

"We'll go to all the same places we went to on our first honeymoon," the old woman said.

"Yup," said the old man.

"We'll do all the things we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.

"Uh-huh," the old man replied.

"And, we'll make love like we did on our first honeymoon," the old woman added.

"Yup," replied the old man, "except, this time, I get to sit on the edge of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!"

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A Couple of Black Eyes


Louis arrived home from work one day sporting two black eyes.

"What on earth happened to you?" asked his wife.

"Well, while I was on the bus this morning going to work this fat lady got up to get off," Louis explained. "As she passed by, I noticed that her skirt was caught up in the crack of her butt. Hoping to save her some embarrassment, I reached over and pulled it out and she turned around and hit me in the eye."

"And how do you explain the other eye?" his wife inquired.

"Well, I figured I must have done something wrong," Louis said, "so as she turned to walk away, I reached over and tucked it back in!"
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Making Puppies


A man and his son were walking through the park one day, when they saw two dogs having sex.

"Daddy, what are they doing?" the young boy asked his father.

Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they're making puppies."

Everything was fine for a few days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when their son walked in on them.

"Daddy, what are you doing?" he asked.

Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother."

The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, Daddy, I'd much rather have a puppy!"
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Tie Me Up


A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. She's dressed in a sexy little nightie.

"Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
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Lose The Beard


A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.

"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.

"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."

"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

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At The Circus


A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

"Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?" he asked.

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs?" asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied, "Oh, it's nothing, son." She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked, "Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?"

"That's the elephant's penis, son," explained the father.

"Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her?" the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied, "I've spoiled that woman, son!"
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Young Japanese Bride


A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she got married she was to please her husband and never do anything to upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart.

She quickly looked up and said, "'Scuse please, front hole so happy, back hole whistle."
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Elevated Train


A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to go to the bar for a drink, but the wife is very tired from the trip and decides to go on up to their room to rest.

Just as she lies down on the bed, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shaking the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again, a train goes by and shakes the room so violently that she's thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager, who says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true. "Look," she says, "lie here on the bed ... you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So, the manager lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband enters the room. "What are you doing here?!?" he shouts.

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" the manager calmly replies.
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The Morning After


Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

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Traditional Upbringing


Arriving at their honeymoon suite the newlyweds realize that since they were both brought up the old traditional way, both were still virgins and neither knew how to have sex. After half an hour of trying to figure out how to go about things, the husband comes up with an idea.

"Ok, honey," he says, "here's what we'll do. You go into the bathroom and I'll go into the closet. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. On the count of three, we'll rush out at each other and it will happen right in the middle of the bedroom."

Not having any better ideas, the wife agrees. She goes into the bathroom and he goes into the closet. The anticipation is driving him crazy and as he starts to remove his clothes he begins to get an erection.

The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. Since the room is so dark, the husband becomes disoriented and rushes right past his wife ... right into a dresser, hitting his penis so hard against it that he passes out from the pain.

He comes to in a hospital bed with a doctor looking down on him. Still in a terrific amount of pain, he moans, "How bad is it doc?"

"You'll be fine, son," replies the doctor, "but wait until you see your wife. We still haven't been able to get her off the doorknob!"
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Expensive Cosmetics


A husband bought his wife a new line of expensive cosmetics that were guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After sitting in front of the mirror for a lengthy time, applying the miracle products, she asked, "Tell me honestly, darling, what age would you say I am?"

He looked her over carefully and replied, "Let's see. Judging from you skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're such a flatterer," she gushed.

"Hey, hold on a second," he interrupted, "I haven't added them up yet."
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Most Dangerous Snake


NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Worldwide

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with a mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit which can reach distances of up to 2-3 feet. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: Attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:-

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: Completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyway.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:-

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting. The length of time it takes for the milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

4. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for approximately 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:-

Although very aggressive and active, this snake is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the proper respect, it makes a wonderful pet.

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Feel like a woman


On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."
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The Butler's Night Off


Since the wealthy couple had plans to attend an evening ball and would be out until very late, they told their butler he could have the night off to do as he pleased.

The couple went to the ball and dinner. After a couple of hours, the wife told her husband she was terribly bored and preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.

The husband told her to go ahead, but he would have to stay for a few more hours to meet some important business partners.

The wife left for home and when she arrived, she found their butler sprawled out on the couch watching television.

She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then, closer still. She moved forward and whispered in his ear, ""Take off my dress. Now take off my bra. Now remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a very stern voice, shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired!"
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Peanuts in Ears


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
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Marriage Lessons


On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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Dumping Message Decoded!


Breaking up is certainly not something one should look forward to, but it does give the dumper the chance to flex his or her creative muscle in order formulate an airtight and plausible case that will not cause the dumpee to exercise his or her cry/whine excessively. In other words, the dumper doesn't want to make the dumpee cry because that shit is awkward.

This is the type of shit you might say:

The confusion

One of the most common ways of avoiding a sobbing/snot-filled scene of the recently broken-hearted is by confusion. In this case, confusion is an antonym of "the truth'. The use of confusion tactics allow the dumper to get away without necessarily making the dumpee feel like caterpillar poo. Let's take a look at a few confusion tactics (from a male's point of view).

"I think that we should see other people."
Translation: I think that I should see other people while you continue to fester in a post-breakup funk and are decidedly NOT seeing other people. I want you on my back burner, so that if it turns out that I am not quite as cool as I thought I was, you will be there to re-inflate my ego and re-slob my knob (how inappropriate).

"I am not ready for a relationship."
Translation: I am not ready for a relationship"with you. If you were more hot, less overweight, didn't have that mustache, or owned a hottub, jetski, or a more expansive collection of digital video discs, I might consider it.

"It's not you, it's me."
Translation: It is definitely you. For more information, see Seinfeld episode number 70 of season 5; The Lip Reader.

"I don't have time for a relationship right now."
Translation: I don't have time for all that relationshippy bullshit that I hate doing. Here is a list of things I don't have time for: dates, dinners, cuddling, speaking on the telephone, anything to do with your parents, walking/talking to/hearing about your f***ing dog. Here is a list of things I do have time for: blowjobs, movies, videogames, intercourse, drinking, you bringing me Burger King at 2 AM.

"I think that we should just be friends."
Translation: you've packed a few lb's onto your backside and I don't think your frame handles the extra weight that well. I find you physically revolting and while I don't really want to be your friend either (I try not to be friends with fatties), I figure it is better for my rep than dating you.

"You deserve much better than someone like me."
Translation: I have done something so heinous that I deserve a one-way ticket on Southwest Airlines straight to hell. The flight will be crowded and bumpy and they will serve me warm, ice-less, Pepsi-cola and I won't be able to recline my seat. When I get to my destination, it will be all white and there will be some bigass pearly gates. I will walk on fluffy white clouds and Jesus will be there. But just as I get to the front of the line, he will say "psych!' and pull a lever, opening a trapdoor beneath me that will plummet me to the depths of eternal damnation.

So you should go ahead and move on to someone else.

"I need to take some time to find myself."
Translation: Remember that time when I specifically told you that I was going to take an evening to play cards with my friends? And then you showed up anyway, makeup-less and in sweat pants to hover over my shoulder like a homely pterodactyl? And then you kept saying, "this game looks stupid"? Remember that? Do you? Well that was f***ing infuriating. So now you have two-folded my reasons for dumping you. Not only are you a chronic clinger, but if I don't get rid of you my friends won't let me play cards anymore.

"I love you, I am just not in love with you."
Translation: I don't know what love is, but this sure as cock isn't it.

"I think we should take a break."
Translation: I have a female prospect that is driving hard to the hoop and I need to take some time off so that I can bang her without fear of my conscious barring the way to her ladyparts.


Blatant Lies

When confusion doesn't seem to capture the essence of a breakup, a straight-up, flat-out lie might be more in order. The possibilities for lies are infinite, and the dumper has free reign to make up the most asinine shit that he things he can get away with, but here might be an example:

"I have aids." (I do not see any circumstance where this might not work)

"I am a homosexual."
Translation: I wish I were gay so that I wouldn't have to deal with the female genetic predisposition to crazy.

"I am an aids-ridden homosexual."
All that homo love caused me to get one of those pesky std's, and it won't wash off.

"I have bad news. The federal government just outlawed premarital relationships. So it looks like we are going to have to stop seeing each other."
Translation: You are really really stupidâ�"like scientologist-stupid. And I am going to insult this low intelligence with a lie that is a governmental impossibility.


The Truth

While usually not your best bet, sometimes the truth can be a more helpful tool in terminating a relationship. However, it must be cautioned that this tool, we will call it the "truth backhoe', will do a lot more damage than your standard "lie shovel'. Here are some of the more common non-lie breakup lines:

"I don't love you."
Ouch.

"I am moving to Hawaii."
Translation: I am moving to Hawaii. You are that terrible.

"I don't find you attractive."
Translation: I don't find you attractive which means that you are not attractive, which means that you are ugly. You are ugly.

"I have met someone else"
and she is willing to do that thing that you wouldn't do.

"I cannot f***ing stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that my self-respect declines and bring me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field."
Translation: I cannot f***ing stand you. Every morning that I wake up next to you is a morning that my self-respect declines and bring me that much closer to taking a skydiving trip through a helicopter field.
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Supermarket


A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!
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Everything I Need


A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!"
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There Goes Dinner


A newly married man arrived home from work to find his young wife in tears.

"Darling, what's wrong?" asked the worried husband.

"Sweetheart," the wife sobbed, "something horrible has happened. I just cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you."

"I don't understand, darling," the husband said. "Why would that have you so upset?"

"I had taken it out of the oven to season it and the phone rang," explained his sobbing wife. "When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the dog had eaten it!"

"Don't cry, honey," the husband said in a comforting tone, "I promise you that first thing tomorrow morning, I'll buy you a new dog."

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Two Words


A guy and a girl were making out in her bedroom and things were getting a little hot and heavy. All of a sudden, he took out his manhood and put it in her hand.

Shocked, she screamed and ran out of the room, down the stairs, through the living room, through the kitchen and out the back door.

"Listen buddy," she screamed, "I have two words for you, DROP DEAD!"

"I have two words for you," he shrieked, "LET GO!"
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Female Sponge Bath


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

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Fertilization


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
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Well Endowed


A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.... School Edition



Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.

"The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established

This post has been edited by MacgyverWong: Aug 5 2008, 06:35 PM

tl;dr

lol, all fertility jokes

What's with all the removed? Cannot post the word here meh

tfdl;dfr