Quantum of Solace is receiving rave reviews and interest in Bond’s next movie is through the roof. So why am I trying to talk you out of going? Because they’re wrong and I’m right… and because maybe by speaking with our ticket purchasing power we can nip this thing in the bud before devolves into yet another lame-duck franchise. Just call me Dr. Evil. I’m a little black rain cloud here to rain on Bond's parade. Quantum of Solace isn’t worth your time. Save it for a rental, or avoid all together. Here’s why:

It’s Called Quantum Of Solace
If you think the title is awful out of context, just wait till you have a context to put it in. It only gets worse. See Quantum is the name of the incredibly lame secret organization which James Bond is sort of half fighting in this movie for confusing reasons. And the solace part is in the title because see, James Bond is sad. He’s sad on the inside. I bet when you’re not looking, he stops pretending to be a Vulcan and goes off somewhere to have a good cry. Wouldn’t you have been happier not knowing that?

Nothing New Here. Move Along.
Say what you want about Casino Royale, but at least it brought something new to the table. I mean, Pierce Brosnan and Sean Connery never had the balls to sit in a chair and let someone punch them in, well, the balls. Quantum of Solace however, offers nothing new. It simply continues some of what went on in Casino Royale, with more intense staring and a lot less flair. In fact, if you’ve seen The Bourne Ultimatum then you’ve seen most of the best parts of this movie already. Some of the action scenes are quite literally shot for shot remakes of stuff already done by Matt Damon.

This Movie Is Neither Stirred Nor Shaken
Actually, there is one new thing here. Unfortunately it’s a negative. All those cool little Bond things which everyone loves about this franchise are gone. Completely. He never asks for a martini, he never introduces himself as Bond, James Bond. Gadgets? Basically nonexistent. Wry sense of humor? The occasional sexual innuendo? Gone. Fun? Missing in action.

Olga Kurylenko
She’s that girl from every bad videogame movie, and her hotness has long since been drained by her numerous appearances in shit. She’s back playing the babe of the moment of yet another silent assassin. It’s tired. This is her third time playing this same part in a mere 2 years. Second time in just a month. You’ve got to be sick of her by now. Is it possible to impeach an actress? Her time has come. If you must watch Olga, she’s way nakeder and sluttier in Hitman. If you want to watch her in a bad movie, grab that one on DVD, where you can fast forward to the good parts.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno is Still In Theaters
The best reason to avoid Quantum of Solace is because you can do better. Zack and Miri Make a Porno is still in theaters and though it did surprisingly well in its second week of release, it still hasn’t been seen by most of you. You could be watching a Kevin Smith movie. You could be supporting something good, instead of yet another overblown, overrated blockbuster which will be just as mediocre if you wait a few months and download it for a fraction of the cost on iTunes. Quantum of Solace doesn’t need your ticket money. Zack and Miri does.

I'll admit, I wasn't completely crazy about Quantum of Solace. Like Josh, I found it a little too opaque, a little too brutish, and not remotely satisfying on the character level. But I'm not going to tell you to avoid it; Quantum of Solace is still better than most action movies, and even does a few things better than Casino Royale did. Below is a list of five things that are better in Quantum of Solace; any of these alone is enough reason to see the movie, but all of them put together means you'll have a good time no matter what.

The Bond girl.
Even though Olga Kurylenko is a Ukrainian playing a Colombian, she kicks ass as one of the few Bond girls who actually gets to stand up for herself. She starts off as mere eye candy for the main bad guy, but halfway through the film emerges with a revenge motive of her own, and teams up with Bond only to make sure she'll get her way. Sure, Bond has to bail her out of a few tough situations, but she more than holds her own-- and looks amazing while doing it.

The villain.
No offense to Mads Mikkelsen, the meanie card player from Casino Royale, but Mathieu Amalric brings the snaky Bond villain to a whole new level. He abandons the usual Bond villain gimmicks, like a cat or a bloodshot eye (again, sorry Mads), and plays someone so evil you would almost believe him as a nice guy. Plus, it's been a while since we've had a good villain with a French accent, and Amalric makes exactly the kind of baguette-eating, beret-wearing frog we Americans love to hate.

The technology.
You know CNN's magic map, where they make states and electoral votes fly all over the screen? Just wait 'til you see the gadget they've got on hand at MI6 headquarters. It's pretty crucial for understanding half the plot, which involves a lot of traced cell phone calls and traveling gadgets, and brings Bond into the 21st century more successfully than pretty much anything else so far. Did I mention how badly I want one for my desk?

The locations.
We've seen Bond tool around scenic European cities countless times, so this time director Marc Forster is bringing us south of the border. Pretty much the entire plot takes place in South America, with a brief stopover in Forster's native Austria, and the locations feel as real and unglamorous as Casino Royale's Venice was staged. The camera even takes moments to linger on the actual residents of these poor countries, a moment of levity that's strange for a Bond film, but oddly refreshing.

The action.
You've heard already that Quantum of Solace is the shortest Bond film and probably the most stuffed with action, but you'll still be amazed at how, 30 minutes into the movie, you've already gone through three action set pieces and a badass car chase. And that's before you get to the cat-and-mouse airplane fight and the desert explosions. Sure, action isn't what makes a movie good, but it is what makes you stand up in your seat and cheer-- and see the movie again to figure out how the hell they pulled it off.