May 16 2017, 02:41 AM
QUOTE(Baronic @ May 19 2008, 09:25 PM)
Because now and then a new thread appears asking how to get over a relationship, and always the regulars advising the same thing, i've edited this thread a little, and invite all to post any advice on how to "get over" a relationship here. This should also save the trouble of people creating new threads and us reiterating what we said
Baronic�s tips on how to get over a broken relationship.
I wished that I came across this thread earlier. I managed to do all the cardinal sins of what not to do when you are supposed to give space to the person that needed it. I managed to break myself into a million pieces for doing something like that. Baronic�s tips on how to get over a broken relationship.
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For a better view of my post above, and more stuff about relationships and romance, visit http://heretical-rantings.blogspot.com/search/label/Romance
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «
Step 1: Deciding to get over it.
The most important fundamental step in getting over someone, is always, step 1, which is actually deciding to actually get over someone. Many people actually forget or consciously decide to skip this step. For example, they'll go around saying, "how do i get over this person? what should i do, i just can't think anymore!" After listening to a long lecture filled with advise, they suddenly turn around and go, "But i still love him/her! I'm not sure if i want to get over him/her!". In which case, why are you even asking about how to get over the person, when you haven't even decided if you want to? Step 1 is a step where noone can really help you. They can give you various advice, (eg. he's a d*** get over him already! or he's not someone who comes everyday, try to work it out!) but yourself have to decide whether or not you feel its over. My own advice is try thinking rationally about. Follow these simple rules.
* When weighing the pros and cons, never ever mention to yourself : I still have feelings for him/i think he still has feelings for me.
* Think about the cause of the trouble in the first place. If it was trust issues, like you found your partner two timing you, if your partner says he/she's sorry, and you forgive him, do you really think you can continue for the rest of your relationship and trust him whenever he/she is out of sight?
* Think about long term compatibility. Do you think he/she would make a good husband/wife, a good parent? This forces you to think about personality traits, and habits, that may have appeared or become more noticeable only after getting into a relationship.
* Tip: Use pen and paper in writing out pros and cons. Ask friends to help list any additional cons if you're worried you may be biased. Then decide.
* Avoid asking yourself questions that have no answers. Eg: Was he/she lying to me all the while? Will i be forgotten? Will i find someone new?
Only when you've decided, "Yes, its over. We may/may not love each other, but the fact is, as two separate individuals, our lifestyles, habits, simply cannot match, and this relationship is over". Contrary to popular belief about love being able to conquer all, it cannot. Compromise must be reached, not plain tolerance. How long can you tolerate something, or even ONE bad thing about that person? A year? Two years? Certainly not a lifetime. You must compromise, and reach an agreement you're both happy about. Compromise. Not tolerance.
Step 2: Acceptance
Completing step 1 helps greatly in step 2. If you can decide that "Sigh, i want to get over him/her" it means you've accepted reality. You've accepted the fact that the relationship is over. You've accepted the fact, that while you've had some good times, some happy, laughing moments together, a future together, as life long mates, simply will not happen. It's okay to cry, take what time you need, get it all out of your system. Crying doesn't mean you're weak, and can't live without the person. I usually advice my friends to set a dateline, perhaps by the weekend. Cry and mourn all you want, but make a promise to yourself, that by that deadline, you will stop the period of mourning.
Metaphor: You're walking in the countryside, cool breeze in your face, the sky is brightest blue, yet sufficient clouds in the sky to make the sunlight on your skin feel just lukewarm. Suddenly, a bird flies overhead, and down comes a spray of shit, all over your head. How long will you stand there, and cry and moan and curse? Or will you decide to get yourself cleaned up? Just the same, your relationship is over, there is no true use in living in self pity, get yourself cleaned up. Wouldnt you advise anyone else to do the same?
Step 3: Methods of getting over someone
Step 3A: Power of the mind
Often people forget the power of the mind. It is certainly possible to brainwash yourself. What you say, can affect your moods and emotions. A good example is during studies, i was taught to look in the mirror, think about the subject you hate most, (in my case geography) and repeat to yourself, "I love geography". And i'd do this every single day, until geography became a tolerable subject, and even enjoyable in certain topics. By telling yourself you love the subject (even if u didnt), it encourages a positive attitude and outlook, which eventually becomes the core of your being.
Now after many break ups, i have many friends saying "I WANT to get over the person, i know it won't work out, BUT i still love him/her!"
From now on, use the power of your mind. From this very instant that you read this, make a pledge, that you will NEVER say "you still love him/her". Tell yourself everytime, "I'm moving on. I feel happy". No buts, no arguments. If in your head the thought "i may say it...but i still have feelings...", stop right there, shake your head vigorously, and tell yourself again, "No! I feel happy. I'm moving on."
Tests: So, after reading this, how do u feel, about your break up?
If you answered, still feeling down, still missing her, i still feel horrible, then read this entire step again. Your answer, should have been, "I'm starting to feel better." "I am recovering." "I'm moving on, i feel free".
Remember the power of the mind.
Step 3B: Power of the body
Few people realise that when you're in a relationship, oxytocin, a powerful peptide that makes you feel happy, contented, when you're with your partner. Have you ever felt, "Ah, the world could end right now, but i don't need anything else as long as he/she is by my side". Thats the oxytocin talking. After a break up, we often feel as if something is missing in our life. Not to ruin romanticism, but thats oxytocin missing.
Just like how a junkie gets manic depression when deprived of his drugs, lack of this feel good chemical can make you feel depressed, useless, and lonely.
So what can you do? Get substitutes! Exercise! Any form of exercise, from strenuous to the slow moving yoga, can help release feel-good hormones, that will actually make u feel refreshed and fight depression as it fills in the gap of the missing oxytocin.
Step 3C: Power of music
You KNOW that music has the power to influence your moods. You've heard the stories and metaphors a thousand times, how music can soothe the savage beast. And yet, you choose to listen to emo music, break up music, or simply music that remind you of your ex. STOP. Start listening to a different genre of music, more upbeat music. It influences your mood, it can make you happy, it can make your sad. Music is a powerful tool. Don't jab yourself up your ass with it.
Step 3D: Take time off away
For some people, step 3A, B and C may not be enough. Time heals all wounds, so if you must, feel free to take time off away from your partner. Of course, if he dumped you and he's a bas3rd, then that isn't much of a problem. But perhaps, it is a mutual break up, perhaps it was a circumstantial break up. Whatever the reason, if you wish to remain friends, perhaps, tell your ex, that your need some time alone, and you'll contact that person again when you're ready.
Done, then take your own sweet time, no rush, enjoy life. Sometimes talking to that person can bring back bad and sad memories, so take time to get away, so that step 3A, B and C can take effect. You should never need to get permanently away. A, B and C will work. Time heals all wounds. It is true. And if you disagree, and feel down, and feel you can never get over this person, please read step 3A again: Power of the mind.
Get away, meet new people, go out with friends, spend time at the movies, get a hobby, and even treat yourself, perhaps that ice cream you've been always wanting to try. You deserve it. As you've taken a huge step to self improvement. Congratulations!
So how are you feeling?
Better, much better, you're recovering, you're feeling better, you're getting a new lease on life.
The most important fundamental step in getting over someone, is always, step 1, which is actually deciding to actually get over someone. Many people actually forget or consciously decide to skip this step. For example, they'll go around saying, "how do i get over this person? what should i do, i just can't think anymore!" After listening to a long lecture filled with advise, they suddenly turn around and go, "But i still love him/her! I'm not sure if i want to get over him/her!". In which case, why are you even asking about how to get over the person, when you haven't even decided if you want to? Step 1 is a step where noone can really help you. They can give you various advice, (eg. he's a d*** get over him already! or he's not someone who comes everyday, try to work it out!) but yourself have to decide whether or not you feel its over. My own advice is try thinking rationally about. Follow these simple rules.
* When weighing the pros and cons, never ever mention to yourself : I still have feelings for him/i think he still has feelings for me.
* Think about the cause of the trouble in the first place. If it was trust issues, like you found your partner two timing you, if your partner says he/she's sorry, and you forgive him, do you really think you can continue for the rest of your relationship and trust him whenever he/she is out of sight?
* Think about long term compatibility. Do you think he/she would make a good husband/wife, a good parent? This forces you to think about personality traits, and habits, that may have appeared or become more noticeable only after getting into a relationship.
* Tip: Use pen and paper in writing out pros and cons. Ask friends to help list any additional cons if you're worried you may be biased. Then decide.
* Avoid asking yourself questions that have no answers. Eg: Was he/she lying to me all the while? Will i be forgotten? Will i find someone new?
Only when you've decided, "Yes, its over. We may/may not love each other, but the fact is, as two separate individuals, our lifestyles, habits, simply cannot match, and this relationship is over". Contrary to popular belief about love being able to conquer all, it cannot. Compromise must be reached, not plain tolerance. How long can you tolerate something, or even ONE bad thing about that person? A year? Two years? Certainly not a lifetime. You must compromise, and reach an agreement you're both happy about. Compromise. Not tolerance.
Step 2: Acceptance
Completing step 1 helps greatly in step 2. If you can decide that "Sigh, i want to get over him/her" it means you've accepted reality. You've accepted the fact that the relationship is over. You've accepted the fact, that while you've had some good times, some happy, laughing moments together, a future together, as life long mates, simply will not happen. It's okay to cry, take what time you need, get it all out of your system. Crying doesn't mean you're weak, and can't live without the person. I usually advice my friends to set a dateline, perhaps by the weekend. Cry and mourn all you want, but make a promise to yourself, that by that deadline, you will stop the period of mourning.
Metaphor: You're walking in the countryside, cool breeze in your face, the sky is brightest blue, yet sufficient clouds in the sky to make the sunlight on your skin feel just lukewarm. Suddenly, a bird flies overhead, and down comes a spray of shit, all over your head. How long will you stand there, and cry and moan and curse? Or will you decide to get yourself cleaned up? Just the same, your relationship is over, there is no true use in living in self pity, get yourself cleaned up. Wouldnt you advise anyone else to do the same?
Step 3: Methods of getting over someone
Step 3A: Power of the mind
Often people forget the power of the mind. It is certainly possible to brainwash yourself. What you say, can affect your moods and emotions. A good example is during studies, i was taught to look in the mirror, think about the subject you hate most, (in my case geography) and repeat to yourself, "I love geography". And i'd do this every single day, until geography became a tolerable subject, and even enjoyable in certain topics. By telling yourself you love the subject (even if u didnt), it encourages a positive attitude and outlook, which eventually becomes the core of your being.
Now after many break ups, i have many friends saying "I WANT to get over the person, i know it won't work out, BUT i still love him/her!"
From now on, use the power of your mind. From this very instant that you read this, make a pledge, that you will NEVER say "you still love him/her". Tell yourself everytime, "I'm moving on. I feel happy". No buts, no arguments. If in your head the thought "i may say it...but i still have feelings...", stop right there, shake your head vigorously, and tell yourself again, "No! I feel happy. I'm moving on."
Tests: So, after reading this, how do u feel, about your break up?
If you answered, still feeling down, still missing her, i still feel horrible, then read this entire step again. Your answer, should have been, "I'm starting to feel better." "I am recovering." "I'm moving on, i feel free".
Remember the power of the mind.
Step 3B: Power of the body
Few people realise that when you're in a relationship, oxytocin, a powerful peptide that makes you feel happy, contented, when you're with your partner. Have you ever felt, "Ah, the world could end right now, but i don't need anything else as long as he/she is by my side". Thats the oxytocin talking. After a break up, we often feel as if something is missing in our life. Not to ruin romanticism, but thats oxytocin missing.
Just like how a junkie gets manic depression when deprived of his drugs, lack of this feel good chemical can make you feel depressed, useless, and lonely.
So what can you do? Get substitutes! Exercise! Any form of exercise, from strenuous to the slow moving yoga, can help release feel-good hormones, that will actually make u feel refreshed and fight depression as it fills in the gap of the missing oxytocin.
Step 3C: Power of music
You KNOW that music has the power to influence your moods. You've heard the stories and metaphors a thousand times, how music can soothe the savage beast. And yet, you choose to listen to emo music, break up music, or simply music that remind you of your ex. STOP. Start listening to a different genre of music, more upbeat music. It influences your mood, it can make you happy, it can make your sad. Music is a powerful tool. Don't jab yourself up your ass with it.
Step 3D: Take time off away
For some people, step 3A, B and C may not be enough. Time heals all wounds, so if you must, feel free to take time off away from your partner. Of course, if he dumped you and he's a bas3rd, then that isn't much of a problem. But perhaps, it is a mutual break up, perhaps it was a circumstantial break up. Whatever the reason, if you wish to remain friends, perhaps, tell your ex, that your need some time alone, and you'll contact that person again when you're ready.
Done, then take your own sweet time, no rush, enjoy life. Sometimes talking to that person can bring back bad and sad memories, so take time to get away, so that step 3A, B and C can take effect. You should never need to get permanently away. A, B and C will work. Time heals all wounds. It is true. And if you disagree, and feel down, and feel you can never get over this person, please read step 3A again: Power of the mind.
Get away, meet new people, go out with friends, spend time at the movies, get a hobby, and even treat yourself, perhaps that ice cream you've been always wanting to try. You deserve it. As you've taken a huge step to self improvement. Congratulations!
So how are you feeling?
Better, much better, you're recovering, you're feeling better, you're getting a new lease on life.
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «
For a better view of my post above, and more stuff about relationships and romance, visit http://heretical-rantings.blogspot.com/search/label/Romance
Though finally reading through the steps really helping me to slowly find my way back. To Baronic thanks for writing this wonderful piece, it is helping me up to overcome my own sadness and despair. I'm looking forward to better days ahead for myself.
This post has been edited by sweet_pez: Mar 26 2018, 02:07 PM
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