There was an instance after almost 5 months
after my breakup, I clicked her profile by accident.

After that, all the pain I held back in just came
bursting out and I just wept and wept and wept.

By the time I could hear my thoughts again,
it was already morning.

I won't tell you to deny that pain. Denying it
would just mean that you want to walk away
from that memory.

... Do you want to?

Disastrous or not, you feel the way you are
right now because she has touched your soul.

She loved you.

You loved her back.

It's a miracle how it even happened.

One can only wonder if you've touched hers the
same way.

But try not to go there. You won't find the answer
if you run an infinite loop of questions in your
own head.

You will however find it when you find the strength
to meet her again one day to seek that answer.

When you are better than how you are now.

When you have decided to be in the happiest
version of yourself after she's gone.

I mean.. that's the whole reason why the break up
happened right? So that the both of you can find your
own happiness outside of one another's realities.

Regardless of how your relationship ended, a bond
was formed, and it's something very sacred that
nobody can ever take from you.

You know why your heart shakes.

And you don't need anyone to tell you to stop shaking.

It's not ideal. But hey, what fool would want to forget
the best thing that has ever happened to him anyways?

I was that fool. Once.

Until I realized that I've been blinded by a lot of noise
masked as advice and I just removed myself from that
bubble and figure everything out on my own.

I still love my ex. I admit to the fact that I still yearn
to reunite with her one day.

But more importantly, I pray for her happiness every
single day. If she's happier without me, than it's good
enough a reason for me to stay away from her.

Sure, she's gonna have her dark days and stuff. But
if she's devoted herself to maintaining a distance
between us, I shouldn't make things even more
difficult for her. I need to honour her needs.

Just because I used to be that person who gives
her that ray of sunshine on her dark days doesn't
give me the right to come barging in forcing her
to accept my sunshine.

Because before we were even lovers, we are
still friends. And friends should understand each
other, dont'cha think?

Sure, I don't know 90% of what she's really thinking.
It's probably likewise for her as well. But that shouldn't
stop us from giving us what we need from one another;

Space.

I submit to the fact that I might not be the best fit
for her. And if she finds someone better, it'll hurt
me like hell.

But I'd also know deep down that I'll be very happy
for her.

She's happy, and that's all that matters.

Why do we love someone anyways?

Isn't it to make that person happy?

I donno about you.

Me, I'm just very grateful for even having her
in my life. Glad that we had a good 4 years
together that we tried and tried and tried only
to fail again.

When we finally realized we weren't meant for
one another, we felt so dumb and helpless, so
sad and angry.

Until it hit us that we were worth a shot.

We were worth it. We took a chance at eternity.
We wanted so bad to make it happen.

So bad.

And it didn't work out.

I'd love to say it's okay. But it's never okay.
How can 2 people love each other so much that
they can't be with one another?

Especially after we fought so hard to change
ourselves to be a better fit for one another.

I know that answer now:

When 2 people finally realize that no matter how
much they loved one another, they can't let them
fulfill who they really are as people, they should love
each other enough to let each other go.

Within those failures, we were hurt so bad.

But we came out better.

I came out better.

I had to anyways.

If I didn't, it'd mean...

That I didn't learn anything.
That our relationship was a waste of time.
That I stopped loving her.
That nothing good came out of the relatinship.

And I know for sure it was anything but a
waste of time.

I chose not sully our memories and honour them
by becoming an even better person than whoever
I was when I was with her.

And that's all I could do to repay her love for me.
That's all I have to make sure our fight lives on
inside me.

I live for her every day.

And that's my strength.

She's loved me far too much for me to live as
a disappointment and throw my life away.

I sincerely hope you and everyone else out there
reading this find your strength too.

Take your time. It's not a race. You don't lose
any game from taking extra time to feel at
peace with your predicament.

Trust yourself that you'll figure it out eventually.