just broke up last month. about 4 years of relationship.


so after a few days after our breakup, i coincidentally have a business trip to china for a week. it really helps me a lot to keep myself from becoming emotional and probably behave dangerously to myself. after i came back from china however, i become emotional again. i tried to chat with him for a couple of times, but our chat always ended up differing us apart like 2 strangers meeting for the first time.

weekends were our significant days to meet up because both of us are staying 1 to 1 1/2 hour away from each other. since our last conflict till our breakup, it is hard to go through this 2 days. instead of avoiding the places we've been hanging out like shopping malls and restaurants, i keep going back to these places to refresh back my memories with him like a zombie walking aimlessly. i even went to few other further places that we visited before like waterfall, beaches, museum, etc.

i also have to admit, i've been stalking him online our break up because i care for him, misses him to much and wonder if he is doing fine without me. it's a bad habit but i can't help myself. Because of him, i started my own blog, writing my own feelings down which really soothes me well. also, i started to take random photos again, taking photos of places i go with the doll he gave me before as a christmas present. it was a pair, but i only took the female doll.

last 2 days Fast Furious has just started to show. both of us are movie go-ers and i took the opportunity to ask him out for "last" movie. he agree and we went out yesterday night. i told him that i misses him and asked for a 2nd chance for our relationship, but i already know the answer from his gestures the moment i went to hug him when we were heading up the elevator.

it was another torturous night yesterday, but it makes me realized i have to fully let go of everything. so i guess, i have to replace the doll that reminds me of him into another new doll that i will tomorrow or next week, as a symbol of me getting through all these as a new individual me.

i started to join a few random gatherings to meetup, learning to express my feelings that i used to keep to myself more openly(due to my bad past relationship) through photos and few apps and hopefully to real friends. and for the rest of the weekends, i will try to fill it with meeting some of my friends and going to local places to discover new places

i kinda lost contact with lots of my friends here in LYN and my actual friends for quite some times.. I think i need to find way to get in touch with them back..

i already try my best to go out as much as i can during the weekend, but during the night before sleeping, it's a little bit hard. I didn't really think about it, but I guess subconsciously I still.. 

i probably will try play phone games or start to rent comic books to read again next time..

what kind of motivation boot camp? 

i'm currently having my own self-discovery moment.. going everywhere to take photos 
also trying to meet up with my friends more and joining some random gatherings from Meetup.com and here incase there's any 

i prefer places with beaches or rivers 

I break up with my girlfriend one month ago but I still miss her but at the same times I hate her too. She cheated on me. We been together for 7 years. Is really hard to let go of her. My emotion feel with anger, confuse, lost but I still love her.... What can I do?