Just wanna find out, will you stay with your bf/husband's family members whenyou have your own house?
What will you do if u really can't find the best way to get along with the family members?

well in my Opinion u have to discuss with ur half.... if u got problems with his family then if he is understanding enough he will discuss the matter with u and his parents and get permission to move out i guess

but when u moved out remember to visit them often... family is the most important assets u have in life... dun just abandon them when u moved out

well, I tried, obviously I'm putting him in a very difficult position..
I know it's not really a big deal whether they're around or not, but I really don't like the feelings of having some kind of strangers around..
They're not really courteous anyway.. plus I had problems communicating with them, especially when the whole family is kinda conservative & traditional.

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 11:44 AM

yeah understand that situation.... thats y a relationship is abt communicating

so u know u put him under some difficulties coz for him to choose between u and his parents is really hard

so if he is willing to move out but insist on coming back on the weekends to have dinners and stuff then u sld compromise his request also ....
its all abt communication and compromising in a relationship

so discuss with him and dun pressure him to much coz he really is under a lot of pressure in deciding such matter... in his shoe... either decision will sacrifice 1 party he love and the one that got hurt the most is himself.....

It's not his parents but his siblings. We bought a house recently & the parent assume that we're going to stay together to look out for each other. So the siblings move in, gave a minimal rental & we shared almost everything. It really doesn't matter to me whether they want to give me money or share things at home. It's just that they've been very selfish and never contributed anything to be part of the family. They're simply treating my house as a hostel and it's worse than having a housemate.

I know I'm outnumbered because of the way I think. I know I sound very selfish to most of the people. I really won't mind visiting them as long as we don't stay together. Just that I think they've been taking things for granted just because they think they're staying with their brother, not outsiders & my other half is not good at making things clear enough. Of course I don't expect them to change, I really just hope that they'll aware that we ought to have our own life & we're not suppose to rely on our closest kin as long as we can be independent about it.

I know everyone is going to blame me if I ever voiced out, the parent's going to blame me for being selfish & definitely my other half & I are not going to be happy.

I just want to be understood.


This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 02:12 PM

If both of you can afford a new home financially, i don't see why both of you can't move out and have your own space and home.
Afterall, moving out would be much better to the relationship in the long run. Staying together is only viable if everyone gets along fine with each other. Which is impossible as everyone has different characters.

I would suggest you to try sell your idea to your spouse. But don't make it like you had to move out because you don't agree with his siblings. Just emphasize on the note that you wanted privacy with him, and a house totally to the both of you can be fun. Just think about getting the chance to wear skimpy clothes just for him, candle lit dinner, breakfast in bed , etc...

You are not selfish in wanting happiness. Everyone deserves some little comfort in this harsh world. I would never enjoy staying with my in laws under the same roof for 365 days anyway.

We've already bought the house, it's the siblings that moved in & we have no valid reasons to ask them to move out. & by asking my spouse to open up his mouth is almost killing him

if its their siblings then another story.... y dun they live with their parents.....
sometimes siblings of the other half can be annoying and its ur right to get ur private life from them ..... if ur other half's siblings are understanding enough they wont be acting that way... how old are they anyway....

if its ur hus then u sld discuss the matter with them bout the rules and stuff.... if they want to stay.... discuss with ur hubby

not saying u being selfish and stuff but sibling sld go out being independent and not relying on ppl to much if nt they wont grow

Felt so relieved after seeing what u wrote. fyi, the siblings came to city to work while the parent stay in hometown.
I told my spouse exactly the same thing, but it just never get into his head.
Both of the siblings are in their 20s & they're already working (both are girls, btw). I don't understand why they can be so thick-skinned enough to stay on after so long. My spouse & I've been quarrelling quite loudly over them & I'm pretty sure they've heard abt it, but they never even thought of moving out!
I don't want to say anythg coz I'm not in the position to (We're legally married but haven't gone through the ceremony, so the family didn't really acknowlege it) .. so I had no choice but to turn to my spouse..but again.. he doesn't know what to say & how to convince the parent that we need privacy.

sigh~

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 02:43 PM

i think ..you and hubby discuss about this seriously,and for the siblings, ask hubby to set expectation,see how long they will stay? i know they give you trouble,but in parents 's eye,if brother (ur hubby) got house also can not let sister to stay,then it sounds crue.i agree they are also adults,but jus give a shelter for them and ask how long give they stay temporary.hope u can settle this asap or else, close to the siblings and then u can notify them anything that u like/dislike haha

marriage is a matter of 2 person
if u have registered u r legally married ... their acknowledgment does not affect ur marriage....
if this matter goes on dragging it wld be troublesome.... so the only thing u can do is to have a family meeting between all parties in the hus i.e ur hubby and the 2 sister... IMO they probably be staying for a long time down the road... so u better make the rules clear in the hus

ur hubby will have the mentality that "yeah they are my sister and im responsible for their safety and well being in this city..."
its normal that ur hubby have this type of thinking as i assume that ur hubby is a responsible and a reliable men and thats the man u love but let him know as well that u need his caring and understanding

dun quarrel any more as it wont help.... discuss it peacefully ... right timing and i think he will understand

I strongly agree with what you say. I tried hard enough, I think. I really don't understand how the siblings communicate & I've stated my stake to my spouse clear enough that I am not going to let anyone ruin our relationships. I understand his responsibilities although I don't agree with the way he deals with it.
We'll see how it goes. If things still don't improve, I'll just have to do something.
Thanks anyway

---

Added on April 7, 2008, 3:14 pmyup, that's what I told my spouse & he agreed with me too, but he's just not brave enough to break the news.

This post has been edited by yee_voon: Apr 7 2008, 03:14 PM

good luck to u k....

oh.. the siblings moves in....
It would have save more hassles if it had been a one room dwelling, isn't that so ?

Probably i should share my experiences with you.
At those times, i wish my house were much smaller , that we don't have to face these unwanted guest problems..

I have a brother in law who used to stay with us for more than a year. He's single and very much older than us. He's jobless and eating and living at our generosity.

I actually wouldn't mind having relatives as close as siblings status staying together. But in this case, i totally have lack of respect for him.

first of all, he has been jobless eversince he came to stay with us. Stay up late to read novels until 3 or god knows what hour in the late night with the light and air-cond running. Wakes up at 1 or 2 pm in the afternoon.
This person does not even bother to help pay for the electricity or utilities or foods that we put on the table for him. Do we owe him a living ? No.

so, i did a very bad thing, which i have no regret for it, for it helps to settle my problem. I started making reference to him indirectly as someone who is useless whenever the kids did something wrong. He became the fine example to my child disciplining hour. Probably he got the message after a few of these sessions which i conveniently held right in front of his bedroom door.

After that episode, he no longer comes a free calling to stay in our house.
And what i gather from his other sibling, he is a totally alchoholic person who spends and never save a cent for rainy day. He even takes ( better term would be 'borrow', but he never returns what he borrows anyway ) money from his sibling who is a single working mom. A useless creature in this world.


so, compare your spouse's siblings with this, i think mine is worst off.
The question i had about your siblings spouse would be, how old are they now? Are they old enough to start their own life and family ?
Is their family home too small to hold their siblings housed there?

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I believed I would have gone crazy if I were to stay with a person like that.
But anyway, this two sisters are in their 20s & both of them are working.
They do pay a minimal rental to their brother, but they just simply think that by paying that amount of rental means they have a share of everything at home. I don't mind if they're really nice & courteous enough to me but somehow I don't feel so. More like I felt like I was being taken advantaged of just because I'm considerate & helpful.
From the moment they informed us that they want to move in, I helped them shift in, buy/cook their meals for them for free, even invite them to join my spouse & I for shopping in weekends, they never bother to appreciate it or even say a simple word as "thank you" or "sorry to trouble you" etc. All they do is just keep quiet and accept things that are given to them.
I can understand if the sisters have low pay & trying hard to struggle for their life. But they can afford to go out EVERY SATURDAY, buy new handphones, go concert, I don't understand why they just get a new place & leave (I guess because I've got everythg equipped such as internet, washing machine, water heater etc).
Luckily for me, I haven't have any kids. & When I look at my spouse, I'm just as disappointed that he didn't make things clear in the first place of what are our priorities, not even mentioning the rules & regulations that they should be aware of. Now I feel like I'm like a tenant, I come home, hide in the room straight after having my meal.
I felt so mentally stressed out.. I confronted my spouse for so many times, whether it started out with soft discussion or big fight. I even threatened to move out. But he just can't bring himself to sort things out with the sisters rationally and calmly.
I've come to a point where I just remain silence and not saying anythg anymore. I don't know how long I can endure with this. I really need someone to tell my spouse straight to his face:"be fair to me!"

Looks like peoples had been taking advantage of your kind generosity warmth gestures in the beginning. It might had been better if lines has been drawn in the beginning. The outlook of your current position doesn't looks good.
Being in early 20's, that's still a long way off until they marries off. And till then, i don't think there is any option for you.

Your spouse would had a hard time certainly, on one hand he has to take care of his own siblings, and on the other he can't neglects yours.

If there is no way out, how about looking for a smaller apartment ? Sell off the current property, and move to a new one, that only has one bedroom ? It helps to downsized too, financially and mentally too.

It would be easier this way than to abruptly tell them to leaves and sour the ties even further.

I don't think you can count on him to tell on his siblings. 'family' to a guy is always something very sensitive, even if they are on the wrongs.

I did think of it, but there isn't any valid reasons for me to do so.. unless we told them we're bankrupt?!
I understand the difficult situation I've put him into, but I've also warned him earlier coz I already foreseen things like this will happen but he just never listened.
A man like him will expect me to obey him & be understanding, which is something I can't tolerate anymore.

If you loves him enough, you will still tolerates till the end of day.

Reason ? How about being nearer to your office or his ?
Or maybe a new home with better facilities ? I know of a family who moves out from a double storey terrace house to a condominium just because they wanted the pool and gym facilities.

Don't push your man any further, i think he's close to break down point for him too.

Try consider getting a new place, it will be a better alternative way out, and better for everyone. Since there is no other better ways to tell the girls to moves out. It would makes you looks like a villains and you will end up being the bad one.

if u are rich enough buy an extra property and move in
that hus collect rent ....
just an opinion thou

agree with chillcandy
ur man is at a breaking point

Well, the place I'm staying now is the most strategic place to my working place..
To tell the truth, I really have no other reasons to ask the sisters to move out anymore, neither do him.
Which is why I've been struggling really hard, I believe he does too.
In fact, there's nothing much we can do unless the sisters choose to move out by themselves (which I don't know when).
But I'm really grateful to know that I'm supported, I've been feeling so depressed coz of them, I feel so bad of letting everything out on my spouse but there isn't anything I can do.

But at least, I feel that I'm normal here. I really hope one day the sisters can just move out after realizing this themselves. I really hope they're mature enough to think on behalf on others one day.

Thanks again!