Hi TS, I'm concerned with your thread tag that you're suicidal, but I don't know enough to advise effectively... Specifically speaking, I feel disconnected with gen Z (20s?) and I think I'm very biased against them, so I can't make fair comparisons. For now I'd like to understand your stories first.

Please elaborate on "transactional vibes". What made you think so and how you feeling about those incidents?
On similar note, what made you conclude you were taken advantage of by those in 30s-40s? How does that contrast with those in 20s?

I don't understand quick character judgement part -- who's judging who?

"Do I need to present myself differently?" Depends.
1. Do you hate your current self? If yes, which parts?
2. Imagine dating yourself, what do you think? E.g. ok, funny, or disgust..
3. What kind of partner are you looking for? E.g. if you want a wifey material, club isn't where you'd want to find a girl.

What of you that made others label you immature?

Any young-at-heart examples/description of yourself?

Ok, lemme analyse in quote for clarity. Btw, you can multi quote and reply in 1 post instead of spamming many in a row.

I don't see anything wrong with a checklist, especially in the older dating landscape. Time is a much more valuable resource as you age.

Example of a single person at different age:

Young
⬆️ Energy
⬆️ Time
⬇️ Money/Resources
Lots of energy to explore and do a lot of everything. Lots of time to spare as you explore and have less commitments.

Old (retired)
⬇️ Energy
⬆️ Time
⬆️ Money/Resources
You earned a lot. Probably lonely because parents gone, some friends gone or sick, some with families. You have a lot of time to waste, but not so much energy to go far for long.

Middle
⬆️ Energy
⬇️ Time
⬆️ Money/Resources
Career is your main focus as you work harder to rise or even stay afloat. Aging parents may require your commitment. You have strong long term bonds with some friends, there's a lot of socialising to do... If only you have time.

This is where the 30s-40s ladies are. They have no time for incompatible men and/or incompetent bums. It's no wonder they go straight for the portfolio like a job interview, crossing out candidates who missed the mark. Some people have longer checklists than others, so they end up where they are: single until middle/old age. For me, I strongly advocate having a small but uncompromising checklist e.g. desire for kids, (non-) smoking, (non-) gambling, harmonious/functional family... The idea is to have a good foundation so you don't have to waste your own precious time trying to change someone you can't accept as-is, while embracing his/her potential for the future.

How are you judging your candidates? You've only focused on the reasons you're rejected, but I'm curious to hear why you reject others.

On a similar note, I'd like to see your dating profile to see how you're projecting yourself, if you don't mind. Please redact personal details and cover your neck and upwards for your own security/privacy.

To be clear, it doesn't have to be a "badmouthing session". We're all humans with quirks and flaws, some quirks are cute to some while others may find them annoying.

Continuing from above, those 30s-40s ladies are generally people also looking to build long term relationships. Let's not kid ourselves: nobody wants to take care of a dead weight. So more often than not, people want to see what you can offer to a relationship.

Some "tick and tact game" I think are normal could be:
If you don't cook and won't wash, then why expect me to do both? Maybe it works if you'll wash the toilet or do some other chores..

My point is, a healthy relationship is fair. Both parties give and take in a way they're happy and feel reciprocated. It's never a strict 50/50 in every aspect and each couple will find their way to fit each other like a jigsaw puzzle with jagged edges.

I don't disagree with your idea of curiosity and kindness, but I would find it shallow and idealistic if you expect only that and no reciprocation. For example, I would diss women who expect men to pay all the time. I would also diss men who expect women to cook and do all the chores. In modern society, both genders work and earn so it's fair to say both must contribute monetarily.

What do you really expect, if not reciprocation? You want to always give? Or always take?

I find it strange someone would judge you for not having sexual history. Who told you these? If it's your circle of friends, I'd re-evaluate them...

Not sure if there's any context behind the labels, for now I don't completely disagree with those statements. I think your notion of a good date or relationship, is idealistic, or one can say, optimistic. I believe in a healthy dose of calculations to keep tabs between couples' "given and taken", in order to keep one's own inner justice in check. So if there's emotions of imbalance, it's a lot easier to identify where that unfairness stems from. I'm sure you've heard of experiments about fairness -- it is in our instinct/nature to demand fairness/equity.

Perhaps the younger ones don't know what they want yet. For example, me in my 20s I used to say looks don't matter. It took me one dating app experience to learn otherwise - picture looked bad but conversation on text was good. My guts said no but I went against it and met him. I was appalled by his unkempt look and even gave him one more chance to confirm my own negativity AND requested him to improve his looks. It wasn't much better, I had to learn to say no to a really kind and quiet person who was clearly into me, it was kinda painful.

Just saying, 30s-40s people probably experienced enough, got hurt enough, some even have their defenses up. The defense mechanism can manifest in their biases or cynicism. They see some familiar traits of their exes, they immediately correlate to some bad past events and cross things out.

You must have some battle scars yourself, so I wonder what's your defenses... For now, I see you're quite focused on deflecting "accusations" or labels against you. That may hinder your ability to self introspect.

Are these in your dating profile? Curious

Now, I'm not sure how much thoughts you put into it; I'd suggest maybe take a 3rd person view of your whole day on a weekday and weekend, from day to night. Evaluate your own emotions, reactions and actions to the events. E.g. what if you spilled your coffee? Broke a plate?
Change perspective: What if your partner did those instead?

For example, my cleanliness standard is higher than my bf and I noticed some mess he left at home. In time I developed a bias and would often jump to conclusions whenever I see some mess, "Aish again". Eventually we had a big argument and he made me realise that bias I had, so now I learn to withhold that bias and point less fingers, meanwhile he tries to clean up after himself a bit more.

Tbh some of your description of these 2 traits don't match the stereotypes in my head. In those context, immaturity to me is:
- bad finances like YOLO
- bad planning
- casual hookups

Well, a childish person wouldn't know they're childish themselves, because the realisation would allow changes to happen.

For TS case, I don't wanna jump to conclusions first lol cuz I feel there's more to find out like his personal experiences.

Anyhow, I think it is easier to explain clearly to TS, or at least I find your replies a bit too abstract la. After all, he is asking for blind spots evaluation so whatever we say may be a blind spot itself. Hopefully TS will process my essay so that we can continue.