So yesterday after church I went to lunch with friend. He told me that his wife and him are in rough patch. It was so bad that he had a meltdown and went bat shit crazy. What trigger the meltdown was years of bottling emotion and stress. He have no family, his mother is biased towards him as the rest of his siblings are more successful. His family went to family dinner once a month at the sister's house, and no one invited him. So the only family he have now is his wife and kids, and he put all his soul into it. He mentioned that when we had a meltdown, his daughter was scared and cried, and that stopped his meltdown instantly, but after that he went drive somewhere alone to clear his mind. He also mentioned that his wife is not the same women he knew back then. According to him, his wife is more complacent now, have no ambition, knowing that he will provide for everything they need. He also mentioned that during the meltdown, his wife asked for divorce/separation right in front of the kids.

He wanted to make things good again, or at least working for them. So he had a talk with his wife. While he was proposing a solution, the wife keep on pointing mistakes. He proposed for couple counseling, but the wife is against it. She say what is the use of talking to other people about family affair. His wife is a bit on kampung side, not well educated, just high school cert. While he gives out reasons why couple therapy is the solution, the wife keep on pointing mistake, and a simple talk turn into fight again. Finally the wife agreed to go for counselling, but knowing his wife, he is very positive that the wife will just go for the sake of going, and will not take any advice or willing to change. It had been that way since they were married.

Honestly speaking, I went to therapist too to solve my issue, and for me, it only work if u are willing to open up, talk and listen. In his wife case, she is willing to talk, but never listen. They used to be happy family. The kids are well mannered too.

Any of u here went for couple therapy, or at least  encountered the same issue? I really want to help them, I pity the kids. I grew up in broken house, so I know the feeling growing up without a father. Even my friend agree for co-parenting, knowing the wife, she will take everything in her own hand and will screw up everything.

Please help.

He is quite wealthy tbh. He owned his own company, earning close to 15mil per year (company earning lah, not him personally). His house also quite big and spacious, they even have their own reading room. So money is not an issue for him. His kids goes to Alice Smith, and if u know anything about private school, u will know how expensive is that school.

There r also plenty of free educational resources but if u ask any Gen Z students to read, will they read it? Many reasons why many don't want to read. Lazy, lost, no motivation, feeling helpless, don't know where to start, etc

So, the role of the psychologist is to give a helping hand.

Same like tuition teachers, to give a helping hand.

Of course, the good and discipline ones don't need any help. But there are many out there who feel lost and helpless.

my wife and I were great together for 14 years. last year, my son started getting into trouble in school. my wife blames me for his behavior. I refuted it. so we would get into heated arguments every time my son got into trouble.

both me and my wife were so concerned about how to raise our son that we fought to do what we each thought was right and this led to us arguing almost daily.

when my wife stopped showing me affection the way she used to, it hit me hard. i tried to be nice to her and show affection to her but she did not reciprocate. this made me feel like she no longer loved me and my whole life came crumbling down. thats when i realized that i needed her more than i thought i did.

thats when i realized that my adamance to raise my son my way could lead me to lose the woman i built my life with. so I apologised to her sincerely and started to listen to her point of view seriously. lucky for me, she still loved me and she listened to my POV as well.

we then started working together on how best to raise our son. in hindsight, the problem probably really was me because she could not overule me while i could overule her. when i didnt take her POV seriously, she felt helpless. when i changed my attitude, and started listening, i realized that yes, she does have a point and I need to take the time to discuss things with her properly to achieve an agreed way forward.

the thing is, when i started listening to her, she reciprocated and started listening to me as well. i was surprised at how much she agreed with my POV after many months of arguing. I guess its human nature to disagree with someone you hate but then change your mind completely when you love them.

Think about this.

Housewife is one of the worst job. They don't actually get paid. Their retirement is solely on the mercy of the husband, rest on the fact the husband dont divorce her when she is 50-60 years old.

In case divorce she dont actually get half of your networth automatically, u can always challenge it in court and bankrupt her with lengthy battle. How many housewife can save up enough money in her own bank account to prepare her own retirement post divorce. EPF also kosong. How many husband out there contribute EPF to their wife ? When u buy house, shoplot u got put her name in title?

That's why housewife very moody and kind of overreact when husband started showing less affection. Especially when those husband also criticize her household management method and skills. Their whole life revolve around the house then kena complain pulak from unappreciative fuckers who get to socialize and spend time outside having fun. Taking care of kids is not easy if u want to be involved parent, it's easy only if u just give them unlimited internet and screen time.

I always believe if u want to complain. Make sure u pay the housewife accordingly. Give her pocket money monthly, no string attached. Contribute into her EPF. At least give her the sense of security she can live on without u anytime without having her to go job hunting as a old hag.

I never went for couples therapy before but I did go for therapy for my highly ADHD child.

I think your friend should be glad what he has: a JOB. I know his problem is entirely a different matter. Just this year alone, I almost lost my job, I was so distressed, I think its even worse than arguing with wife. Thank goodness I strung a couple of deals with Head Office, and I got transferred back avoiding a toxic working environment at the subsidiary.

Your friend and wife should just try couples therapy...you will never know...they got nothing to lose anyways, they already in this position.

Who knows? it may work, just get your friend to tell wife to be positive about it.

normal lah for wife to keep nagging....but why keep account of mistakes? Dun macam ni lah...

Your friend must be quite high strung or bad tempered. Argue with wife also can scream at kids. I am complete opposite, when I am stressed I just too busy to even scold my kids.

So why his siblings issue affects his marriage?

why they don't invite him? Is it because they are even more successful.

he got no friends at work ini - suruh dia pergi thailand jalan jalan 3 days 2 night la - simple and sure stress hilang.

sounds like he made it in life , with wife, kids enjoying the lavish lifestyle and best of education system. There's very little excuse for  resentments /arguments to happen between him and wife.

All I can say its probably just hormonal imbalances /health related caused the mood swings.  Why not ask the wife to get medical checkup.

There's a section in reddit with great insights by perimenopausal women who knew they are having temper problems but can't help it. Some decided to seek medical help and take meds / HRT  to stabilize themselves.  Sadly, some women thought its a sign they no longer love their husband and simply wanted to leave everything behind.

Come to think of it, yes it is. Housewife is one of the worst job in the world.
Kind of bad tempered person, easily triggered. I saw him nag at people for leaving the restaurant door open, or not saying thank you for holding the door of lift. I advised him on that, he told me he was raised in a well mannered family, so he expected everyone to do the same. at least basic P's and Q's. Told him not everyone was raised that way, he told me those things can learn one. Hard to win with that guy too
Not directly affecting. I also donno why, but based on what he said, his family is quite materialistic. He is richer than me, but his siblings is richer than him.
Memang no friend pun. I am his only friend at the church. His workplace also no friend. He sees human as dispensable.
I think same goes for the husband too.

So yesterday after church I went to lunch with friend. He told me that his wife and him are in rough patch. It was so bad that he had a meltdown and went bat shit crazy. What trigger the meltdown was years of bottling emotion and stress. He have no family, his mother is biased towards him as the rest of his siblings are more successful. His family went to family dinner once a month at the sister's house, and no one invited him. So the only family he have now is his wife and kids, and he put all his soul into it. He mentioned that when we had a meltdown, his daughter was scared and cried, and that stopped his meltdown instantly, but after that he went drive somewhere alone to clear his mind. He also mentioned that his wife is not the same women he knew back then. According to him, his wife is more complacent now, have no ambition, knowing that he will provide for everything they need. He also mentioned that during the meltdown, his wife asked for divorce/separation right in front of the kids.

He wanted to make things good again, or at least working for them. So he had a talk with his wife. While he was proposing a solution, the wife keep on pointing mistakes. He proposed for couple counseling, but the wife is against it. She say what is the use of talking to other people about family affair. His wife is a bit on kampung side, not well educated, just high school cert. While he gives out reasons why couple therapy is the solution, the wife keep on pointing mistake, and a simple talk turn into fight again. Finally the wife agreed to go for counselling, but knowing his wife, he is very positive that the wife will just go for the sake of going, and will not take any advice or willing to change. It had been that way since they were married.

Honestly speaking, I went to therapist too to solve my issue, and for me, it only work if u are willing to open up, talk and listen. In his wife case, she is willing to talk, but never listen. They used to be happy family. The kids are well mannered too.

Any of u here went for couple therapy, or at least  encountered the same issue? I really want to help them, I pity the kids. I grew up in broken house, so I know the feeling growing up without a father. Even my friend agree for co-parenting, knowing the wife, she will take everything in her own hand and will screw up everything.

Please help.

Then he is the problem. If his family have values of fairness, and expects everyone to apply the same then why does it run contradict to why they didn't invite his family over?

You say he is christian, but it appears he has huge ego, he must submit to his wife also not just expect his wife to submit to him.

How can he proclaim to go church but the way he treats his staffs as dispensable? I thought christians are thought to be like servanthood even to their own workers. My christian friends told me that their lord jesus last time in ancient times, goes around wash people feet to show his spirit of servanthood.

Your friend, if he thinks going to psychologist to solve his wife issue, he is so dead wrong. He appears to contribute 80% of the problems.

In fact, your friend reminds me of my neighbor who is a christian, very successful as he is a director. He sends his kids to international school similar to Alice Spring but not that one, though the fees are around the same annually. The wife also housewife, but complains that the husband neglects her and not appreciate her contributions. Sometimes when I go eat at their house, the wife would break down and cry in front of the guests.

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Being a christian have nothing to do with this. Sure, we met at church, but being a christian got nothing to do with it. All your point shows only him being a cristian, go to church, and when u talking about your neighbour, u also pointed out him being a cristian. Mind you, this is serious k. The only things u dont mentioned being a chistian is only your 4th paragraph, and that the only thing u said that make sense.

Im a christian too, and I have no such problem. Focus on the problem here, and dont focus on christian.

nothing to do?

So he goes to church but he is not a christian?

I am pointing out that this friend of yours is all ego...first he thinks he is always right all the time, he is bad tempered. And he goes to church, but he doesn't seem to be paying attention to what he is listening there.

Before he goes to psycologist, it is useful to point out that he needs to change himself first as he doesn't practice what he preaches. If he had been listening at church, his wife wouldn't behave this way because church teaches christians to submit to each other, husband submit to wife, wife submit to husband. If they both do this, then all these conflicts would reduce to bare minimum.

So I am telling you this: it has all to do with this.

Psycologist wouldn't work if he continues with his stubborness.

TS ah

u tell him straight, he is the problem, not the wife.

by going for marriage counselling, he will be expecting his wife to change as well to accommodate his toxic behaviour.

Why his family didnt invite him to the dinner. For sure, his own family knows he is very toxic. Purposely don't want to invite him for dinner.

His own child cried because scared of him

Wife also want to divorce him

Walaooo, he still so thick skin dunno he is the problem meh? Instead, he thinks everyone else is the problem.

Then u go side him is it? This will even encourage him to think that everyone else is the problem

Yes, being a cristian have nothing to do with it. Its his personal problem. And all u pointed out was him being a christian. A lot of people go to mosque or temple too, and not all practice what their religion taught them to. Religion and people doesnt work that way. All religion taught peace, but all the followers follow it. If they do, then we achieve world peace already.

Keep your hatred towards other religion to yourself. The topic is about seeing a psychologist, and u turned it into a christian problem.

i dont believe in psychologist.
mainly because of what you said, it will only work if you believe in it and put in effort to it.
in retrospective, if i put in effort in it, there is free resources around, youtube, online articles, etc.

You mean you dont believe in PAYING FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP.

the free resources online some are probably produced by psychologists as well  ,dangling bits of content, to promote their (paid) services.

You mean you dont believe in PAYING FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP.

the free resources online some are probably produced by psychologists as well  ,dangling bits of content, to promote their (paid) services.