QUOTE(noobmaster_69 @ May 13 2025, 10:38 AM)
what did you do to forget someone who you loved?
i tried the following but still cant:
1. attend weekend workshops
2. engage into sports after work
3. went for solo trips
4. stop communicating with her
5. eat healthy, wake up early, sleep early
The measures you can take at an individual level have already hit saturation. No further input will help other than time. The rest that will make the difference is the external factors.
Here is my version of how I overcame my breakup.
My 1st relationship started when I was 17 years old and lasted till I was 23 years old, for the duration of 7 years. The relationship failed in the 7th year. So, was the breakup hard? As I stated before, it looks easy for the outsider, but when it happens to ourselves, it feels entirely different. This was not a shallow attachment; it was a bond formed through long-term emotional investment and shared developmental phases.
How do I overcome the breakup? This is very subjective to myself (internally) & people of my surroundings (externally). During that period of time, I'm surrounded by a number of kind people. These people came to me in the most unexpected way to show their support for me post-breakup.
One of the important people in my life is my elder sister—I have 2 other siblings who are not that close. My age difference with my elder sister is only a 1-year gap, & we went through the same phase of life together since our younger days (she was my partner in crime ). My elder sister is the 1st one to know about me being in the relationship, and she is also the 1st one to know about my breakup, followed by my mother. I notified my family of my breakup because both of our families interact with each other back at our hometown.
How did my family react? My mother was so worried that the breakup would take a heavy blow on me mentally—worried that I might consider suicide because there were a number of young people who took that path after relationship failure. Just imagine that kind of worry felt in our society almost 20 years ago. She kept reminding my elder sister to watch over me closely. We were both away from our hometown to study at KL; hence, my mom could only rely on my elder sister to keep her eye on my development.
What did my elder sister do? Well, she temporarily ditched her boyfriend during that period and personally dated me to go out to watch movies and have lunch/dinner together—spending her free time with me. Seriously, I felt so sorry for my brother-in-law during the period. This was not the first time my elder sister protected me; she shielded me from being beaten by my mother when I was around 11-12 years old. Another person who shielded me from being my mother's caning was my late grandfather. I remember all the people who shielded me since years ago. That breakup of my relationship made me rethink how fortunate I am to be blessed with such people in this life.
My university mates, who are also my housemates & roommates, both of them witnessed how 2 of us got together since pre-u and enrolled in the same university together. Without any questioning, both of my university mates decided to side with me (maybe they just did it for moral support). They asked me the reason for the break-up. I told them I was also clueless, just like 2 of them, as she refused to reveal. I could only request them not to take sides because they are also her friends. For them to take sides because of me will make the scenario very awkward—we shared the same pool of friends.
My secondary school buddies, the group that did all the crazy/stupid things with me during our teenage years. They purposely drove all the way from Singapore and KL just to meet and cheer me up. We hardly meet because they took different paths after the SPM. When we met, one of them vented out on me, "You deserved Sei Chai Bao" (死仔包), after getting the GF and forgetting brothers. So, is a girlfriend or brothers more important now?" That scolding hit a certain part of me deeply; I never thought that this bunch of idiots was yearning for my company. They never changed all this while; it was I who have changed over the years. We met up a few times during that period.
Among my cousins, there are three who are particularly close to me. We grew up together at our grandparents' house during our childhood. Our age gap is only 1 year. Either 1 year older or 1 year younger. They purposely came with my elder sister to cheer me up. This was totally unexpected from my cousins, to be honest. Usually we only met during the Chinese New Year or other Chinese cultural celebrations.
So, how long did it take for me to overcome the breakup? Approximately 6 months.
In the 1st month, there was emotional chaos: a lot of why? what? when? where? who? & how? All these questions were running scenarios of possibilities on the cause and effect, looking for the reason for that failure.
In the 2nd month, I was slightly calmer, but there was still refusal to engage with things supposed to be done. Just imagine, the long-term planning was destroyed just like that. 7 years of wastage + the resistance to face the fact (there was just no other option). The heaviness was intense as there was unwillingness to accept the fact that the time, resources, emotions, and planned future being heavily invested were giving such a state a failed outcome (lesson).
On the 3rd month—same thing of being sober. Luckily the presence of my elder sister and some crazy friends keeps my mind occupied. It managed to divert my attention to being more present instead of thinking about the past and future. It should be the shittiest semester of my university life. My examination's grade has so many B-, C+, or C's printed in the result slip for the first time in my life, but luckily I still managed to pass that semester examination.
In the 4th month, I came to my senses that my sister, friends, and cousins—they all have their own lives and priorities. I cannot expect them to be with me all the time; it is very unfair for them. I started to revisit the version of me before I got into the relationship. The version where I will make some daring decisions because I don't have the other half to worry about. I slowly start to recognize the strength of being in such a position again.
In the 5th month, life was heading into the last semester of my university life. I start enjoying doing things alone without my sister and friends. I came to the conclusion that whatever I needed to grieve, I had already grieved. Any further grieving or being sad over the breakup will not change anything. There is a sequence of priority of life; if I do not take the priority, it will impact my life in the long run. The priority of my life at that moment was to get myself graduated.
In the 6th month—I started to organize myself back according to the sequence of priority. Grieving = static state. Static state will not change any outcome. Acknowledging such a state, I just need to move on alone. What happened to my original plan? I left it unaltered. I just continue to move forward alone at that time.
I used to say, Find the light within the darkest moment. These are the lights I found during my breakout event:
1. I have a protective elder sister who is always there for me. I think only she would do such a thing. I’m not sure if other have story of similarity. This made me ponder—I want my coming generation to inherit this kind of sibling bonding (1-year gap vs. a few years gap with the other 2 siblings).
2. I realized how much my parents worry about me. Their unconditional love is beyond doubt—it can always be felt even though she beat me up badly during my younger days.
3. I recalled how my teenage buddies still cared for me, even though we had grown distant.
4. I recalled how my university mates took my side without question—perhaps that is the real meaning of friendship.
5. I recalled how my cousins came to comfort me; their presence in my life is always felt by me.
If I were to owe people ren qing (人情), I guess this chapter of my life is where I owe the most. I probably cannot repay that debt in this lifetime based on what these people did for me.
~
To TS, only time will heal if you are relying on the internal effort. Life has a sequence of priority; you need to get your sequence of priority in order back. That is what I did previously.
To the observers in reading, if any of your family or friends are facing such obstacles in life, your action or inaction will make a significant difference to them as their external factors. To be our family or friends, "external factor" is the choice that is within our reach.
May 25 2025, 12:10 PM
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