We met on a dating app and we’ve been seeing each other over five months now. On the first day, she told me she wasn’t ready to date yet because she’s not over her long term ex.

It didn’t matter to me much then but we had gotten very far along. We had sex on our first date. We talk to each other over voice calls hours everyday. We see each other multiple times a week.

Throughout our time, she would reiterate not to take her seriously, but yet we were always operating in a relationship. We would expect relationship stuffs, exclusivity and we even said the ILY words. I was in the midst of setting up my place and she had helped me as well. I practically moved in my new spot with her. She had her own place as well but we do frequent sleepovers. We wrote letters to each other, we were intense. Sex was amazing, and we do it consistently. I dare say we hung out almost 3/4 days a week.

We would take pictures together, share our secrets together and do every other relationship things. She would always say that when she’s ready she would date me seriously.

But many times we would argue. I had been dishonest to her a few times because I didn’t want her to know I went to the bar. She doesn’t like that I drink. We would fight, “break up”, and get back together. This has happened multiple times. We would argue over very small things sometimes, and I was always the one that said sorry in the end.

When she was facing career issues, she had blocked me because she wanted to focus on herself, yet she reached out to me the next day and reconnected. When her ex was around, she wanted to take a break because she had asked him for help financially - and the next day she reached out to me again.

Recently she hid the fact she went on a week long outing with her ex which she had told me she wasn’t going to (repeatedly). I was angry and upset, and in those moments, I had hurt her verbally. Eventually we forgave each other, and then we would fight again a week later because she was upset I lied about a food order (I told her I ordered food but I hadn’t. I didn’t want to lie, in my head, I was going to order regardless so I only said I already did). It was stupid and careless and somehow this triggered us to officially end things. She says that I would lie casually and she couldn’t accept it.

I am disappointed with the entire situation. I knew from the beginning she was emotionally unavailable yet we somehow acted like we were. Often times, she would try to control and manipulate me, which I was aware of, but I chose to ignore it. For example, she would threaten to end things with me just because I didn’t hold my spoon the “right way”. She would jokingly say that in a relationship, only one person had the right of way and she asked if she could control me so things can work out between us (jokingly but not really).

I really liked her despite her flaws. Sometimes I think I had compromised too much that I lost myself and my self dignity. Friends had told me I was her backup or rebound. I feel like a loser in this entire situation. But every message, every call, every small things from her was a dopamine shot.

I feel lots of emotional anxieties and insecurities through out. I had not acted like the normal and calm person I was. There were no commitments between us yet there somehow there are in the midst. We weren’t partners yet we acted like one. I constantly self doubt what was our future.

This feels like a rant, but I needed a place to vent out. I’m trying to move forward, but I’m afraid of never finding someone to like. I have issues liking someone deeply. It happens rarely.

I constantly blame myself for things not working out, and she would constantly say we’re incompatible, yet we never stopped seeing each other.

The signs were obviously there, which you chose to push aside / ignore.

This whole ex thing is definitely a sh!t show on her part, but from what you describe, there didn't seem much real honesty -- maybe only during the early part?

She wasn’t truthful and I was blindsided. She would constantly pick me on the smallest details. Like my wrong grammar occasionally, me picking my skin, me holding a spoon wrongly, threatens to breakup because I didn’t want to buy the butter brand she wants (for my own house…).

I had lost so much self esteem. By her own admission she said she’s a controlling person. I felt like I was in a trance and I realised it yet did nothing about it.

Her feelings are a roller coaster. Sometimes I lie because I just wanted to avoid drama. She would stop talking to me because I was flirty to previous dates (before I even know her).

better move on