Short answer: 50/50 is very tiring for two persons working to live together for life.

Long answer:
IMO, it's all good if the disparity is not used as a weapon against each other. Meaning:
- don't take things for granted. She can pay doesn't mean he should stop pampering her.
- don't play victim. It's not his fault he earns less. Life is a bitch and it's unfair, not everyone will have a good career. Be kind to his circumstances, while he needs to keep working on himself.
- respect and support each other. There will be societal pressure. No matter what anyone says, it's over if one does not respect and support the other. Recognise that not all effort bears the same fruit.
- ultimately, what defines 50/50 is up to the couple themselves and not anyone else's opinion.

I think you're on the right direction to say not everything is 50/50. Just imagine how much you have to do mathematics every time you hang out: parking, fuel, car maintenance, meals, dating activities, gifts to family, gifts to each other, mortgage/rental, utilities, travels..... The list is endless. The thought "I spend so much on you, but you don't spend as much on me" is calculative/selfish, because it doesn't consider how much the other side can/want to spend and shows your entitlement.

As for women accepting men earning less, well if the woman demands the man to pay more than herself, then she shouldn't start such a relationship in the first place lol.

No worries, I'm happy to share if someone is interested to learn together with me
1. Example internal challenges we face:
- I manage my finances a lot better than he does. I tend to expect more of him (e.g. to reduce unnecessary expenditure), but he splurges on me so I guess it's a happy problem we did agree to put more focus on building a future together, but...
-... he chooses to work OT to make up for it, which I'm happy to hear we're in the same direction but I worry for his health too. I have a constant worry that he feels pressured to catch up, but he always reassures me.
- I feel like a teacher at times, and I think this "power disparity" doesn't suit everyone. Luckily he's okay with that but boy he hates maths so so much, sometimes I don't think he absorbs what I try to teach...

2. We meet up weekly. Most commonly eat simple then Netflix and chill, literally we often have to adjust according to his monthly shift schedule so we tend to appreciate the rarer weekends when he does get overlapping off days with me, we'd hang out almost full day.

3. Honestly I stopped worrying about it as I choose to not care about having kids or not. With that, I no longer have a clock to watch so I only tease him for fun -- as you implied, guy earning less and yet guy takes the lead to propose, so my job is to wait lo.

4. I guess we're both "tamed" since we're 3 years in and I feel we have nothing under the rugs and I'm happy with him? From my perspective, he seems ok too. My mom (and the elders whose opinions I care about) have voiced some concern about it before, but they ultimately said, "as long as you're happy"... I bet his generosity in treating my family bought them over

One aunt was very concerned for me when she heard he was a "customer support" (he had a career reset when we first started our relationship, by now he was already promoted from there). The aunt gave her story of how she herself gave in to a "loser", thinking "if we get married, he'd change for me". "If we had a baby, he'd change for us." He got worse and they divorced. I heard her advice and I didn't think it's applicable to him, because he works hard. The same aunt also took a jab by asking if I want to get to know her rich businessmen sons with good careers la, while my other single cousin was right there, she literally exclaimed, "hello who's the single one here?!" In the end, my aunt didn't intervene and she's also enjoying her own life la so that's the only "venom" I dealt with, thankfully.

I told my bf this story later on, to which he felt sad la... But I also said she was just trying to look out for me in her own way. This aunt of mine was a successful businesswoman and she values money a lot, but personally for me, I like to be loved -- basically I'm the type who would choose a mediocre small house with a man cares for me all day, than a bungalow sleeping alone. I would use the "cry on BMW better than on BMX" analogy as a joke, but that's not quite applicable because I feel capable to NOT cry on a BMX in the first place!

You mean to ask, what if I'm watching someone of similar circumstances get attacked by others?
This I have to quote to the story above. I LOVED my cousin's epic reply, cuz she instantly shut my aunt off right there lmao. But if we switched positions, I may not have been able to give such a witty retort, but I would try to reason in different perspectives, by asking questions to allow everyone to understand the circumstances better. In the end, I do not intend to protect bums (one who leeches off another), but it is unfair to assume one is, so let the stories speak for themselves.

That's also a good way to put it; I reused the term you did but with quotes, as I know it wasn't as bad as what some others have experienced.
understandably, I'm also surrounded by good people so I am thankful that was the worst I'm aware of

Slight misunderstanding here: I missed out the word businessmen friends. My aunt wanted to introduce some lads who are sons to her wealthier friends, they're not blood related haha.

Haha thank you! Mind if I ask, are/were you in similar situation before? I did hear at least two stories from men that their ex's mother was especially very critical of their status (the lack of), which became one of the reasons they broke up later.

You missed my point:


...which covers the decision making of what 50/50 exactly means to a couple. To one pair, it could be fixed amount. To another, maybe percentage. To some, maybe mix of both, like weighted. Not every couple can discuss and agree on finances that easily.

Re: gifts -- someone who is calculative enough WILL argue about that. Why else you see stories that exes are demanding things back? Maybe they became ex in the first place because someone was nitpicking on the imbalance of how much one spent on another, including gifts.

Maybe there's some ego in it, but I think it's much more than that.

So how will you treat your partner in your date nights? Sure we can flip the genders and say it's same as housewives receiving allowance from husband, and they can allocate an amount to treat their partner on special days.

It's very common to assume you can accept certain things until you're really in that position. I used to think I'd be okay to be the breadwinner when I saw him earning less even after working lots of overtime, but his argument convinced me:
- my bf likes to pamper me, he feels happy doing that
- I like to be pampered too
The dynamic just won't be the same if I give him money for him to give me back, because I prefer to save money and tell him he's spending too much on me. If he receives less money then he would lose the freedom to splurge on me because I would then cut the allowance (and it'd probably become a tug of war where he further skimps on himself in unhealthy ways just to spend on me).

In the end, each couple has different viewpoint on money/finance. I'll admit it's easier to go with the flow / societal norm for now, because there's already so many past couples who did that and it worked (hence, the norm). Maybe that will change later, say if we have kids then the dynamics will change a lot, it might make sense to have a housewife/househusband especially if the time spent on earning the paycheck can be better used to take care of the house.

The "allowance" part was my way of describing how the working partner hands money to the other, but my intention was not to put the working partner on an authority, my bad. So you're right it sounds unfair, perhaps this is a better way manage it: suppose you have a joint account where both have equal access to the same pool of money.

Still, the feeling of using your own money to splurge for another will not be the same as using the joint pool -- maybe there'll be some hint of guilt, because this is after all a jointly owned money; it's a shared responsibility. I guess this arrangement will work well when both are equally responsible + aligned on how to split the pie, otherwise there'll be disasters like on the news: a housewife fell into a scam and depleted the family savings.

Lastly, I heard this from my bf but idk how other men think: it's in men's nature to want to protect and care for their woman. He cannot accept non-full ownership of the money (i.e. his own hard earned money) because he wouldn't be able to freely pamper me and feel proud. Aiya a bit touched la after hearing that, how can I accept househusbandry after he said that 😂