Recently watched a video of this guy conducting a survey among Msian men on whether they mind if their gf/ wife earns more than them n about 80% of them don't mind. On the surface, it shows that we're more open minded now. However, some guys did confess that they don't mind coz it means they can split everything with their partner 50-50 🤣 I do think it's OK to split 50 50 but it shouldn't apply to everything right? What are your thoughts on this?

Short answer: 50/50 is very tiring for two persons working to live together for life.

Long answer:
IMO, it's all good if the disparity is not used as a weapon against each other. Meaning:
- don't take things for granted. She can pay doesn't mean he should stop pampering her.
- don't play victim. It's not his fault he earns less. Life is a bitch and it's unfair, not everyone will have a good career. Be kind to his circumstances, while he needs to keep working on himself.
- respect and support each other. There will be societal pressure. No matter what anyone says, it's over if one does not respect and support the other. Recognise that not all effort bears the same fruit.
- ultimately, what defines 50/50 is up to the couple themselves and not anyone else's opinion.

I think you're on the right direction to say not everything is 50/50. Just imagine how much you have to do mathematics every time you hang out: parking, fuel, car maintenance, meals, dating activities, gifts to family, gifts to each other, mortgage/rental, utilities, travels..... The list is endless. The thought "I spend so much on you, but you don't spend as much on me" is calculative/selfish, because it doesn't consider how much the other side can/want to spend and shows your entitlement.

As for women accepting men earning less, well if the woman demands the man to pay more than herself, then she shouldn't start such a relationship in the first place lol.

Women mind

She earn more money, good for her.

She can buy more things for herself.

She use iPhone. I use Android. Like that.

She buy Honda. I drive Perodua only. Like that.

House have to sama sama bayar loh



This post has been edited by Natsukashii: Jan 19 2025, 06:59 PM

i believe you are asking the wrong question.

The problem is NOT whether man can accept or not

Instead, it's whether women can accept such a relationship or not.

You should be asking whether women can accept their significant other earns lower than them

Why should I? I'm a woman and I already know the answer to yr question. I asked that question coz I was genuinely curious abt guys' perspectives.

Not a problem unless you make it a problem

and what's your answer?

To most women, the man earning less will become a problem. She tends to lose respect for him and lose attraction. The woman won't outright say that its because of the difference in pay, but she will find him more annoying and have way less tolerance for him as she views him as lesser. The man will need another strong marker for social success to counteract this.

Most men don't mind the woman earning more. There are some that are insecure about it, but most men would gladly accept it... though these are not the type of men you want to be around anyway.

i thought people only concern when husband or wife doesn't earn enough for living expenses.

In response to your question, most men don't mind. In fact, many are happy if their wives earn more than they do.

---

Years ago, I had this conversation with my ex-fiancé. Given our age gap, it was likely that I would eventually out-earn him, and he jokingly mentioned he’d become my toy boy and househusband. He talked about cooking, cleaning, taking care of our future children and dogs, and even volunteering for charity to contribute to society.

I’m good at business and don’t mind being the breadwinner. In fact, I believe employment can sometimes be detrimental for men in the long run, as it often leads to overwork, stress, and health issues. The higher a man climbs in the corporate world, the more challenges, stress, and office politics he faces, which can take a toll on both his health and the time he spends with loved ones.

Last year, a guy friend of mine shared how several of his peers suddenly collapsed and died in their 40s. They all worked in MNCs. He then told me why he quit his corporate job a decade ago—it had become so stressful that he fell into depression. He eventually found a new path in the financial planning industry.

Speaking of MNCs, my ex-fiancé was at the C-level. When we first met, he was rather cold and emotionless. He admitted to numbing his feelings constantly at work. He didn’t enjoy his career but felt obligated to continue because of the high salary. He was retrenched several times due to external factors, and I emotionally supported him through those tough moments, watching him become depressed and withdrawn.

Because of his employment experience—and my own—I decided to go into business full-time. I find joy and motivation in building my capacity to offer my future husband the option to quit his job, be a househusband, contribute to society, pursue his hobbies, and even earn some pocket money if he chooses to.

However, if my future husband were to take advantage of me, laze around at home, neglect household duties, and not contribute to society, I would lose respect for him. That’s not the kind of man I want to marry.

I’m also fine if he wants to continue working while I manage the household. But if he’s stressed and wants to resign, he can take a career break, be a househusband for as long as he likes, and explore his hobbies or other income streams.

I think most men would appreciate having those options. It’s an ideal situation that can only happen if the wife earns more than her husband.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Jan 20 2025, 02:38 PM

I presume you are giving the statement from a real-life experience. I hope you don't mind if I'm asking some further questions related to such state relationships. Nothing personal, I'm just trying to understand more about such condition.

1) What other challenges are you facing in such an environment? 

2) What were your weekly dates like? weekend dates like? 

3) How about the urgency of the plan to get married? No longer planning to get married? Planning to get married but uncertain on the time frame—open time frame? (*male is earning less).

4) 1 side may no longer have the uncontrolled "ego" but how about your boyfriend - the other end, is the "ego" in tamed condition or untamed condition? Usually, an untamed "ego" will not allow such kind relationship to survive long. * This point should be the focus of the topic. 

Even if 2 of you are in the tamed "ego," how about the family, relatives, & friends? If 1 person spew 1 venom from these group of ppl (family, relatives & friends), how will you react? How will your boyfriend react?

Level up 1 more psychology level for ppl of the surrounding. If the family, relatives & friends got spewed venom by (family, relatives & friends), they reacted. How will you react to their behavior? How will your boyfriend react to their behavior & your behavior ?

Kindly enlighten.

This post has been edited by Cisne: Jan 20 2025, 05:28 PM

No worries, I'm happy to share if someone is interested to learn together with me
1. Example internal challenges we face:
- I manage my finances a lot better than he does. I tend to expect more of him (e.g. to reduce unnecessary expenditure), but he splurges on me so I guess it's a happy problem we did agree to put more focus on building a future together, but...
-... he chooses to work OT to make up for it, which I'm happy to hear we're in the same direction but I worry for his health too. I have a constant worry that he feels pressured to catch up, but he always reassures me.
- I feel like a teacher at times, and I think this "power disparity" doesn't suit everyone. Luckily he's okay with that but boy he hates maths so so much, sometimes I don't think he absorbs what I try to teach...

2. We meet up weekly. Most commonly eat simple then Netflix and chill, literally we often have to adjust according to his monthly shift schedule so we tend to appreciate the rarer weekends when he does get overlapping off days with me, we'd hang out almost full day.

3. Honestly I stopped worrying about it as I choose to not care about having kids or not. With that, I no longer have a clock to watch so I only tease him for fun -- as you implied, guy earning less and yet guy takes the lead to propose, so my job is to wait lo.

4. I guess we're both "tamed" since we're 3 years in and I feel we have nothing under the rugs and I'm happy with him? From my perspective, he seems ok too. My mom (and the elders whose opinions I care about) have voiced some concern about it before, but they ultimately said, "as long as you're happy"... I bet his generosity in treating my family bought them over

One aunt was very concerned for me when she heard he was a "customer support" (he had a career reset when we first started our relationship, by now he was already promoted from there). The aunt gave her story of how she herself gave in to a "loser", thinking "if we get married, he'd change for me". "If we had a baby, he'd change for us." He got worse and they divorced. I heard her advice and I didn't think it's applicable to him, because he works hard. The same aunt also took a jab by asking if I want to get to know her rich businessmen sons with good careers la, while my other single cousin was right there, she literally exclaimed, "hello who's the single one here?!" In the end, my aunt didn't intervene and she's also enjoying her own life la so that's the only "venom" I dealt with, thankfully.

I told my bf this story later on, to which he felt sad la... But I also said she was just trying to look out for me in her own way. This aunt of mine was a successful businesswoman and she values money a lot, but personally for me, I like to be loved -- basically I'm the type who would choose a mediocre small house with a man cares for me all day, than a bungalow sleeping alone. I would use the "cry on BMW better than on BMX" analogy as a joke, but that's not quite applicable because I feel capable to NOT cry on a BMX in the first place!

You mean to ask, what if I'm watching someone of similar circumstances get attacked by others?
This I have to quote to the story above. I LOVED my cousin's epic reply, cuz she instantly shut my aunt off right there lmao. But if we switched positions, I may not have been able to give such a witty retort, but I would try to reason in different perspectives, by asking questions to allow everyone to understand the circumstances better. In the end, I do not intend to protect bums (one who leeches off another), but it is unfair to assume one is, so let the stories speak for themselves.

Other side earn more is not a problem but he / she willing spend on you or not!? This is important.

Arigato to Takudan-san for the willingness to impart way the some of your memory to the public.

I narrowed my replies to some points.

3. Honestly I stopped worrying about it as I choose to not care about having kids or not. With that, I no longer have a clock to watch so I only tease him for fun -- as you implied, guy earning less and yet guy takes the lead to propose, so my job is to wait lo.

You forgo the option to have or not have the kids, hence you are no longer the prisoner to such option. Decisive .

4. My mom (and the elders whose opinions I care about) have voiced some concern about it before, but they ultimately said, "as long as you're happy"... I bet his generosity in treating my family bought them over
One aunt was very concerned for me when she heard he was a "customer support" (he had a career reset when we first started our relationship, by now he was already promoted from there). The aunt gave her story of how she herself gave in to a "loser", thinking "if we get married, he'd change for me". "If we had a baby, he'd change for us." He got worse and they divorced.

I told my bf this story later on, to which he felt sad la...

Your people of surroundings (mom & elders) did showed concern earlier but eventually they leave the decision to you & respected you decision. I'll said your family is creating a conducive environment. The aunt who disagreed, she was giving the opinion from her personal life experience - it can be viewed as "venom" or it can be viewed as "hidden love".

The set-up between cousin & cousin? what kind of practice is this? Where got ppl do such thing, crazy.

Your own self way of viewing thing = ok
Your family way of viewing thing = mixture of acceptance > objection. Seems healthy proportion.
Your bf way of viewing thing = ok + "felt sad". The "fell sad" part fall into negative emotion.

The ability to move Takudan-san's bf way of perception from viewing the criticism negatively to positively will make a big different in the outcome. I hopes Takudan-san's bf will be able to exploit the criticism to fuel his personal desire to change.

Do keep us updated in the future your case. Thank you.

This post has been edited by Cisne: Jan 21 2025, 03:12 PM

That's also a good way to put it; I reused the term you did but with quotes, as I know it wasn't as bad as what some others have experienced.
understandably, I'm also surrounded by good people so I am thankful that was the worst I'm aware of

Slight misunderstanding here: I missed out the word businessmen friends. My aunt wanted to introduce some lads who are sons to her wealthier friends, they're not blood related haha.

Haha thank you! Mind if I ask, are/were you in similar situation before? I did hear at least two stories from men that their ex's mother was especially very critical of their status (the lack of), which became one of the reasons they broke up later.

We cannot have all the ppl of our surroundings to be supportive, we need a few ppl to be the devil to oppose. If everyone around us is in agreement with such condition, the ppl will take the status quo for granted. It will not be good if there is no opposition. There will be no will of fire to proof that other ppl perception is wrong, there will be no will of fire to improve.

It is just like a country political scene. Too much opposition is bad, nothing can move forward. Absolute support is equally bad, ppl will take thing for granted.

Luckily it is not cousin vs cousin set up.

Me? Personally no. Someone close to me with blood relation - yes.

I'm the devil. I'm in the “opposition" camp. The one that I care, I no longer talk to her years ago. My silent doesn't mean I object, or I support. I just want that male to know, I don't want to see all the small moves or promises. Just deliver the progressions for himself, for her & everything will be forgotten. The rest are not important.

This post has been edited by Cisne: Jan 22 2025, 03:59 PM

Lol this is such an easily solvable issue - open joint bank account and contribute based on either a fixed amount (for 50/50) or a % of their respective income (not 50/50 in the strictest sense) and then spend it. Why need to do mathematics?

Gifts for each other or for family - not sure why need to be 50/50 seeing as how it should only come from their own pockets. Do people share $ to buy gifts for themselves? This does not make any sense lmao.

You missed my point:


...which covers the decision making of what 50/50 exactly means to a couple. To one pair, it could be fixed amount. To another, maybe percentage. To some, maybe mix of both, like weighted. Not every couple can discuss and agree on finances that easily.

Re: gifts -- someone who is calculative enough WILL argue about that. Why else you see stories that exes are demanding things back? Maybe they became ex in the first place because someone was nitpicking on the imbalance of how much one spent on another, including gifts.

99% agree with you!

Maybe 1% of female think different......

The question is, how do U find a partner that earns more than you do 🤣