Preach!

TLDR of marriage before romance? NO, NO and NO.

TS thoughts of marriage is rather naive. If only a life partner can be easily found with just an interview of questionnaire, then divorce lawyers and couple counselling will be out of business 😂

There is a saying “don’t get married for the sake of marriage”. This statement could not be more real. Marriage not just involves romance. It’s in fact, romance is just one element. Commitment, responsible, care, attraction, trust… it is more complex than merely love. Marriage is a marathon. There would be mundane days, there will be challenges. How are you and your partner going to face the problems ahead? Especially there is no foundation beforehand? Add a baby into the mix and challenges tenfolds 😂

Even if two people are good people that tying the knot, there is no guarantee that the marriage will last. Married first is like turning a gashapon and hoping you will get the one you wanted. You have no idea what is inside before putting your money on it. What are their values? What are their beliefs? Their behaviour? Is it aligned with yours? Is he what he claimed to be? That can’t be easily test with just a questionnaire. Like what Takudan have said, going through a divorce is much more messy than a merely bf gf relationship. The financial and time lost, finance split, child custody…

The reason why you see those people cheat after married is because they assumed tying the knot is the end game and they lazy to manage the relationship anymore. As time goes by, love fades away then cheating comes in. Or maybe, some of those people are the one you refer, marriage before romance, but it didn’t work out.

I wish TS all the best in finding true love. Instead of married first, why not select friendship first before romance? Those are often the happiest couples, as what I realised and noticed 😃

At least in your friend’s case, it is still OK as they only lack in the sex part of the relationship, which I think still can be cultivated provided that they are compatible in beliefs, values etc. Unless one of them has weird fetish, then I think need to tell beforehand…

It doesn’t matter male or female. To have this type of marriage to exist, both male and female also have to agree / have the same mentality right? Can’t use one hand to clap.

I never said it was wrong. It’s more of not agreeing to this type of marriage due to likely to be a failure, hence the gachapon metaphor. Need to pay before knowing what you get, it’s either a good or bad outcome.

Regardless, 1 month, 2 months, 9 months… you can’t possibly know a person WELL with such a short amount of time. How many times of conversing before the marriage? Unless the person is already a friend/colleague/mutual you known for some time (x amount of years). Then it’s different story. And if the person have only marriage on their mind, they could mask it during the short period.

This post has been edited by fearless_kiki: Oct 24 2024, 01:21 PM

Of course there’s no guarantees in life. Same as those who had 10 years relationship might not enter into marriage.

But at least knowing a person can eliminate unnecessary arguments, misunderstandings and culture shock. I once know a girl who got married to a guy within few months (if not for covid it would be faster). She is the one that you described, marry first, love later. The first year of her marriage she received culture shock as her husband is not willing to do some of her hobbies/interest like Zumba and tufting. He however does cafe hop with her. She went all upset learning that her husband is not willing to do certain things, to the point that ad hoc went back to her mom’s house. After that she slowly learn that she actually can HAVE A LIFE apart from marriage, like getting friends from Zumba class etc. But yeah, if she learnt that before marriage maybe it won’t escalate until such a big drama.

This post has been edited by fearless_kiki: Oct 24 2024, 06:55 PM

That’s why communication is important. Communicate, communicate, communicate. That is why we always need to communicate. Be open with each other. When there is a problem, talk it out and tackle the issue.

Those who mostly have different goals are those who marry early, early 20s probably. They just started to see the world and experience a lot of new stuff. Views might change and goals might not align. Early 20s is the time to test the relationship whether it will last or not. Late 20s to early 30s are a good sweet spot to get married as people become more mature and mostly they know what they want in life already. It’s kind of rare to have people change their minds after that. It’s rare but doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

I know someone that was into food with his ex wife. They always eat happily until one day the man found out from doctor that if he doesn’t change his habit, he only have few years to live. Then the guy started to change his life to have healthier lifestyle, and even got into bodybuilding. And that means having a very strict diet. But the ex wife is never into this kind of lifestyle and just like to eat. End up she cheated behind his back with someone who can eat with her. But this kind of case is RARE.

As for people that break up 2-3 years after, it’s very normal. How many of us that lucky to have a childhood gf bf that can last until marriage? Most of us need to search until we find the right one. It’s because of the incompatibility, people cut the losses and move on before it gets worse (tying the knot or have a baby) Eg, finding out your partner that he/she doesn’t want kids. Of course need to break and find until getting the right one. If continue to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for yearsssssss then then it’s on you. And I don’t think people will change minds about kids that easily….

As in the case of migration, weight the pros and cons then decide where to stay lor, no need to break up one lah 😂

This post has been edited by fearless_kiki: Oct 25 2024, 09:32 AM

on top of my mind would be getting a HDB flat in Sg. Or getting a green card in IS. But I think for green card the other party needs to gain something monetary too in order to work.

As for other marriage benefits like tax, medical, migration, inheritance … those I think only with love only worth it.

As for having a kid, don’t think it works well. Split 50/50 of house expenses? Ok. After that housework do you still split 50/50? What about taking care of the child/children? 50/50 or not? What if one is not available to do house chores due to OT? Does the other willing to cover? I never believe in the 50/50 finance quota. Because it’s practically impossible to 50/50 in reality. Different amount of salary, difference in burden (house loan, car loan, parents allowance…), expenses (child expenses, groceries…). Pregnancy checkup and confinement… 50/50 also? Breastfeed, pregnant and give birth how to 50/50?

Even romantic couples sometimes struggle with this. Often will hear one party say they shoulder most or all of the family expenses while the other party doesn’t save or demand a lot. Or stories of the partner doesn’t help around the house chores or taking care of kids etc. And with a “pragmatic” marriage, the empathy and care is lesser as there is no love foundation.