you know, you sound like that coach guy I met. Super resistant to anything that makes him "irrational" and "lose control"

... which means, you're an emotionally unavailable man-- just don't want to feel anything with women or have any mushy, touchy-feely emotions.

Your feminine energy is shut off, and it's up to you if you wanna re-activate it, and heal it to be wholesome again.

I may be wrong, but only you know what your situation is like, and it is up to you how you wanna live your life.

Whatever it is, make decisions that bring you peace, harmony, happiness, good energy and inner balance to you life... and no regrets.

Yeah, but girls don't mentally operate this way like how you do... unless they have ulterior motives in you (after your money, your status, or some benefits...). This type of women will manipulatively craft themselves to fit your criteria to get something from you.

For a woman to genuinely want to be with a man, she must first feel something for him. For that feeling to happen, the man must allow himself to open up and express his emotions to her--- which is what you can't do or refuse to do.

Your current approach isn't getting you the woman you want (probably for years now), so, might as well improvise, adapt, and overcome-- that's what mature men do.

Thanks for taking your time to analyse my situation and advise me. You're sharp in your thinking and questioning.

& Yes, you are right... everyone thinks I am better off with a young man so that I won't have to go through the pain from the age-gap relationship.

I know this long ago. I struggled with this countless times. Sometimes, I wish I could love him less, or he could love me less, then it'd be so much easier... I'm probably in some of the most complicated relationship ever; super long story spanning over 8 years, deeper and darker than 50 shades of grey. Not for the faint-hearted or simple-minded.

Whenever we quarreled in the relationship, I tried breaking up several times, but he wouldn't let go. It makes him extremely unstable... and dangerous. He's some of the best marksmen around, so... yeah. His bottom-line is I cannot have sex with other men, or he will lose his sanity and...

I know he wasn't joking when he gave me that warning many years ago. Even now, after 8 years in the relationship, when I told him I had moved on and started seeing men for coffee and dinner (nothing sexual), he still couldn't take it and had a meltdown...

so... imagine if I did 'more' with any guys... hmm... better not. Too risky. I can't be in any committed/sexual relationship unless I am 100% certain he can totally let go and will never interfere.



He wants me to love and accompany him to the end of his life, and he is fine with me remarrying after he passes away. If I were more materialistic, I'd marry him for his money, served him well as a caretaker in his remaining years, probably produced one or two kids, and got inheritance after he passed away in a decade or two, and became a rich widow...

but I'm not a gold digger.

What's bothering me is his health issues right now. Sometimes I ask myself if I really wanna spend my prime years with him... but sometimes I feel I should spend his remaining years together because I don't want to have regrets. There's this constant tug-of-war in my mind for years now, especially when there isn't any support from family and friends. It's difficult. I am afraid of making the wrong decision, so I avoid or delay making decisions.

Maybe, it's better this way until someone breaks the equilibrium. I wait for God to tell me the answers on what I should do or who I should be with, or wait for the man to decide and act. I will just accept what life will bring to me. 以静制动，以不变应万变

*

& yes, you are right about me feeling cursed by fate sometimes. Perhaps, if I was born in ancient China, I would be a woman whom men would kill to be with. I'm not the most beautiful woman around, but definitely some of the most unusual one.

There's a saying that goes... 好看的皮囊千篇一律，有趣的灵魂万里挑一 (translation: Beautiful appearances are common, but interesting souls are one in a million.)

In Buddhism, perhaps, this is my karma, either from past lives or previous wrongdoings, that I have to bear with and resolve in this life. I admire women who could have simple lives with good husbands and lovely kids. It's really a blessing to be able to live with simplicity. Really, be grateful with what you have.

If I hide a huge part of myself to settle down with a simple guy, I can have the same 'blessing' too... In fact, I had many chances to do so, but this will make me a hypocrite who masks herself and suppresses herself a lot, and hides a lot from her simple husband. I think if I do so, my soul will die eventually despite being alive physically. I don't feel it's ethical to 'deceive' a good guy this way, too.

I need a man who can bring out the best in me, so that I can shine brightly at my fullest... like a polished, well-cut diamond with perfect facets that refracts exceptional brilliance and extraordinary fire... to be treasured and loved fully by the man who can cut me.

& only diamonds can cut diamonds... but... why would such a bling-bling man get involved with me...?

Unless... he's up for some challenges, like Super Mario trying to save the princess from the dragon. LOL.

... but I'm a 'dark grey' woman. I'm too hot and spicy to be an innocent princess who lives in a pink barbie world.

I accept myself, and I like myself the way I am. So, just take things as they come.

If a man wants me badly, he will get me 'badly'.



This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 23 2024, 08:36 PM

Yeah, I know. mangkuk guy was upfront and did say that he didn't want anything serious at the moment, and I just played along with him... but he ran away... he initiated but FFK 5 times. haih. Cannot la like this. Potong stim. Makes me feel defeated if I don't take him down. LOL. The prey becomes the hunter now.

Btw, he gets so conflicted until he has to disappear from social media for several days, again. Really noob la.

As for my ex, the decision is as follows:

I'll need to observe ex again before I make any decision. He'll permanently reside in Selangor starting Oct 2024, which is actually our 8th anniversary month, so I wanna see what he does.

For now, I'm still single, semi-available and in my YOLO mode.

I wanna meet as many guysss as I can before I settle down. The last time I did so was 10 years ago, in my mid-twenties, when this lil jasmine flower had just started blooming fragrantly... attracted many fine young men.

and now I'm in my mid-thirties... more sensual and feminine like a rose... I attract a different and wider group of men. Will be fun to explore my options before I make a decision again. You know la, can't do anything much after getting married, so...

I know I will regret if I don't, so... just gotta give all parties (including myself) an equal chance and time.

Assuming that I eventually settle down with my ex (he does make a good father and has the resources to raise our kids), I think it's still good that I have fun for a while first before I become a wife/mom--- this will be another stage of life with lifelong commitments.

I guess this is the most balanced approach I could think of, for now. Remove time pressure, remove men's expectations, and just be myself, and enjoy life the way I should.

Chillax and YOLO. Only decide when it's time to.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 24 2024, 04:48 AM

You should read this FB post: Japanese man spent 21 years saving frugally
Yeah, this Jap man is extremely frugal and saved a lot, but... go read what people comment about his lifestyle, and go read how he questioned his own decision after 21 years of FIRE.

If you really wanna retire early and be rich, go talk to a certified financial planner. Get a professional to map out your pathway to financial freedom for you. Currently, I feel you're overly brainwashed by FIRE and its community until you became imbalanced in your approach. Saving money is good, but anything extreme is bad.

& You sound like you have strong fear of poverty, which isn't good. Why? because money is energy. The more you want it, the more it doesn't want you. Money is attracted to people who have a mindset of abundance and generosity, not to people who have a mindset of poverty and stinginess.

Heard of the universal law of attraction? Yup, that's how things work. This is why men who have lost everything (read: no savings at all + in debt) but still be resilient and diligent can quickly make their wealth again. Look at this dude: Scammed Malaysian man cleared RM1 million debt in just 2 years

Writing these so that you can be more balanced in your approach under CFP guidance + have good energy again. You know that we all wish you well here, including TOS and Takudan.


Be a wise man. Be balanced. Be like water.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 24 2024, 05:46 AM

I'll answer your question that you ask those girls you met. In fact, someone asked me similar question 10 years ago, in 2014.

He asked me, "What's your plan B in life? If one day you can't work, how are you going to survive?"

I told him, "I believe God will have foreseen that so why should I worry? I just need to do what I can when I am still able to, and leave the rest to God."

He asked, "What if your God fails?"

I said, "Impossible. Only humans fail, not God."

The conversation ended this way.

*

Now, 10 years later, I can confidently answer the same question. This month is my 51st month without a full-time job, not consecutively but accumulated. I took 3 career breaks of more than one year each, in 2018-2019, 2021, 2022-2023...

because, for some reasons, I don't have career luck. The past 4 companies that I worked at had management issues that resulted in high staff turnover of 40%-80%. I was so sick of corporate garbage, I grilled those employers/mid-level managers for their management failures, escalated to the CEO/MD, and I resigned. I hate wasting time in toxic environments.

I took the leap of faith to do biz full-time... after working for 18 employers (full-time, part-time and freelance) in the last 15 years. I felt damn jaded and worn out; was an workaholic who pursued money, career success and social status-- which turned out to be highly unsatisfying.

For several times, I quit my jobs abruptly without months of savings, because I didn't care how I was gonna survive. Maybe because I'm a woman-- when I get fed up, I just don't care anymore. Maybe it's an Aries thingy-- I do what I want, and I get what I want.

During those career breaks in the past few years, I started my own biz; not one, but three. & I designed my biz models the way I wanted it to work--- to give me the freedom of time and mobility. I didn't need to worry about money, because I had a group of super rich biz friends and companies who would support me kaw-kaw, including government agencies. When my first biz was just launched, within several months, gov agencies were already paying for my flight, hotel and accommodation.

& I have strong biz luck. In my third biz, clients look for me. I did projects for SMEs and MNCs. Each project was in thousands, up to tens of thousands. When most people need a year to earn the same amount, I can earn in just several months. Just last year alone, I closed about 30 projects by myself. My biggest client was a Fortune 500 Global Top 40 foreign MNC. My other clients were in industry technology, franchises, importers, logistics, etc.

Then I got kinda tired of doing projects. So, I focused on my another biz this year. I joint-venture with another company that has strong network and resources. They looked for me first because they needed my expertise. Now, my JV partner is in China, to set up a subsidiary there. We're distributing our products to China soon, besides Malaysia, Korean and other countries in ASEAN, and some in EU. For the JV, it's a 50-50 split between me and them. I'm gearing towards building up passive income now, in multiple currencies.

The way I think and do things are quite unique, after having worked for about 50 companies, employment + projects in more than 10 industries... and I am just 35 years old.

To me, as long as I'm still breathing and my brain still functions, even if I'm physically disabled suddenly (touch wood), I'll get lots of insurance payout and I'll just continue to create wealth-- from a wheelchair or from bed. This is how chill (or fearless) I am.

I'm sharing all these to state that my pathway to financial freedom is not through FIRE, but through business success-- products, systems, automation. I excel in leveraging, bartering, and forming collaborations/JVs. For services, I hire people to do the job, and I earn from their hard work. I feel great creating jobs for people.

I have my own property, car, decent EPF savings, PRS funds, insurance and its regular payouts--- not too bad, for someone in her thirties. If I marry my ex, our family house is a bungalow, in millions. He's rich in SGD, so converted to MYR... hmm... nice.

I changed my own fate this way, by being highly educated, working hard, attracting higher-tier people into my life, doing biz, planning strategically... I didn't come from a rich family; quite the contrary. I hate being poor, so I worked my way out and up.

There's a term for it: lifestyle design.


*

You know, the truly wealthy don't save their way to wealth; they do business and investment, and they succeed in it. I'm sure you know the cashflow quadrant by Robert Kiyosaki. If you don't, look it up.

Challenge yourself to go beyond FIRE. To me, an employee that practises FIRE is still an employee-- their love staying in their comfort zone, their social circles and perspectives are still the same, and their money-making skills will always stay the same. Even if they start a biz after their early retirement... nah, I think it's just too risky for them to think about biz. Once you're stuck in a fixed mindset, it's hard to change it--- and this is a lurking danger in an ever-changing, fast-paced world.

Also, factoring in currency depreciation and inflation, RM500k today will probably be like RM100k twenty years later. To me, that's absurd. Imagine spending years of my life working my ass off, saving frugally and sacrificing pleasures, only to see it depreciated so much in my old age. This is not what I want. Years of youth spent on toiling... all wasted, not to mention that AI and automation tech + age factors will hinder one's opportunity to get hired. Basically, your chances of getting employed will decrease dramatically once you are age 40 and above.

With the same willpower and discipline, I'd rather build businesses in my peak years (age 30 onwards)-- money-making systems with people to do the job for me, while I can relax by the seaside or work from anywhere I want in the world. Heard of The Four-Hour Workweek by Tim Feriss? Yup, I practise it, and I'm halfway there at 35 y.o. That's why I'm YOLO and have so much time on this forum, thinking of hot dudes and going on dates with men.

By the time I'm 40... I'm pretty sure everything will be much established in my biz, and I can continue to YOLO until my old age. Once you have the winning advantage, you utilise it to the max and keep reaping the returns. If things change again in the future, then I will ride the new waves and create a new legacy.

Just exposing you to a different perspective or way of life. You might disagree--- which, I don't care frankly, because ultimately, you are responsible for your own life and your choices as an adult.

If you think all these stories are made up, I can assure that they're not. There are at least 10 people on this forum who know me in real life, so there's really not much point for me to fake things and be inconsistent with who I am. My life is just an unusual as it gets, and I'm fine with it.

Ah nice, going to grab my lunch. I woke up at 12 noon today. This is my lifestyle every day, and I like it.

Yes, piggy.

Btw, si mangkuk just messaged me again...

haha... aiya, just let her sleep la if there's nothing urgent/important to do.

yeah, I don't lack options. This is a blessing, and also a curse.

I am not a local Selangorian. I built up my connections/networks from ground zero. I worked hard in my twenties, juggling multiple jobs. At any one time, you'd see me with 1 full-time, 1 part-time and 1 freelance. I had no social life, and that was my lifestyle for years when my peers were having fun. I was so hungry for growth and success that I wouldn't want to waste time on leisure. I had enough of poverty, and I wanted to change my fate.

In my thirties, I used to work 16-22 hours a day to kick start my biz. Lots of things to figure out: getting clients, handling objections, closing deals, preparing invoices/contracts, sourcing manpower, establishing workflow, setting the standards, doing marketing, networking, researching, biz strategizing and planning, and the list goes on.

The initial stages were the hardest, as I didn't have any biz background nor biz degree. I learned everything through reading and attending classes, and practised on my own.

*

I started each of my biz with less than RM200 (for SSM registration, biz email address, and a biz number... that's it.). My biz sifu (who's an NLP master trainer/coach) challenged me to make money from the least amount of capital.

... and I did. I succeeded, and reaped the returns multifold. Certain times, when the cashflow was unstable or payments from clients were delayed, I worked part-time jobs or freelance again. As I mentioned before-- improvise, adapt, overcome. This means being resilient, resourceful and having pure grit as a true entrepreneur.

& I believe luck can be created. Luck arises when preparation meets opportunity. This means that you can create chances through intentional choices and behaviors.

I changed my social circles, I attended mindset classes to reprogramme how I think and behave, I studied the law of attraction and energy, I picked up new skills and knowledge, and I gradually got to where I am today.

Behind the smooth launch and preliminary success is sweat and tears. I launched biz during the pandemic, and the pain from forced LDR and years of separation-- I channeled that energy to biz building. I cried a lot while sitting in front of the PC and figuring biz stuff out, because I missed my ex and felt sad over the wedding that didn't happen.

So, that's my journey.

*

My favourite quote is "A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings."

Whenever I face obstacles, I see them as strong winds that will push me to flap my wings harder, and through this process, I become excellent in flying, and I can soar higher once the storm is over.

Whatever that is hard or daunting for me to do, I will do it. I don't like and don't want to stay in comfort zones for too long. I don't like to be controlled by fears and self-imposed limits.

This extends to doing challenging sports, such as progressing from indoor gym to outdoor hiking to rock-climbing to mountain-hiking. Physical sports do build massive confidence. I trained my body to do sports on empty stomach, and I could exercise for hours without feeling faint, such as walking from my home to the nearby hill, hiked to the top, and walked back home. 5 hours in total, no food, just drink plain water. At the gym, I can do 3 hours of workout per session, including cardio, weights, machines and group classes. This is the kind of physical training I pushed myself to go through.

So, always believe in yourself that you are capable of achieving greater things in life--- only if you want to, and are willing to pay the price to get to that height. Be in that 2% of the whole population:



Seriously, our only limits to personal growth and success is ourselves--- not our family, not our jobs, not our finances or any other factors--- all these can be solved, figured out, adjusted, changed, etc.

Our biggest enemy is ourselves. We stop ourselves from becoming great because we don't believe that we can, or we don't push ourselves hard enough, or we don't persevere long enough.

To me, as long as you (any person) have a healthy body and sane mind, you can reprogramme your mind to turn your situation around and live the life you want. Just like an old cranky computer that has outdated OS, software and hardware, you scrap those old stuff, and reinstall the new system and hardware, and you're good to go again.

*

However, this process is extremely painful for most people, as they need to deal with what's in their subconscious mind: all the hidden fears, anxieties, insecurities, past hurts, childhood wounds, etc... will surface as you re-programme your mind.

For me, it took about 5-7 years of several mindset breakthroughs, and the recent one happened in early Sept 2024. The neuro-semantics coach was showing some videos, and they broke my old beliefs. I broke down during the workshop and cried all the way driving home, and I continued to cry at home.

... because I finally aligned different parts of myself, found my new sense of meaning in life, and my bigger purpose... All those fears, insecurities etc that I used to have-- disappeared. Heck, I was so happy and confident that I started posting videos of myself online, singing songs-- and I didn't care what people thought of me (surprisingly, my friends liked and asked me to sing more. haha)

That workshop was called "The Ultimate Self-Actualization Workshop", created by L. Michael Hall, PhD. He's a Cognitive Psychologist who through research into NLP and Self-Actualization Psychology. He co-founded the ISNS (International Society of Neuro-Semantics) and the MCF (Meta-Coaching Foundation) and is an internationally renowned trainer.

*

To conclude,

You're a disciplined person when you started practising FIRE--- have to salute to you for this dedication. This is why I took the time to write. I hope my sharing today can, well, shed some light. This conversation is not a coincidence, but a divine arrangement. So, just be open-minded to consider different perspectives, and see how you can apply some of those useful ones to your own life. All roads lead to Rome; see you at the top.

You know, most adults are broken in certain parts of themselves, and hence, they are unable to be 100% healthy mentally and emotionally all the time, whether at work or in relationship.

I believe in the 80/20 rule-- 80% of the time, if they are good to me, then they are good. This applies to my ex and other people whom I have relationships/friendships with.

As for the analyst, I wouldn't say he has super low effort, because he does seem like he has low EQ/SQ and fearful-avoidant traits, and he has made multiple attempts to initiate (although still FFK). I have to give him some credits for that.

Yeah, I know right. My stories are stranger than fiction. My ex and friends always say so. I also dunno why I can't live a more 'normal' life.

Yalor... my journey is tough and tiring... and this is why I need men.

I need companionship and physical touches to help me recharge, especially when I feel so tired and emo, sometimes.

Previously I already mentioned I'd give him time and chance to prove himself again... since it was more of miscommunication/misinterpretation... so, he'll continue to be part of my life story.

If you don't like the ex part, just skip reading it. Just read what makes you happy and excites you.

I'm YOLO-ing now and seeing different men. Who says I'm not moving on?

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 24 2024, 05:15 PM

haha it's okay, I was just posting/chatting with forumers.

Yeah, I used to regret or feel anxious for things that did not happen or didn't go well, but now I just accept them as part of parcel of life.

haha okay, just PM-ed you some uhh singing samples. Not a professional singer, but not bad la

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 24 2024, 10:18 PM

For me, I'm past the starting phase, achieved some growth, and now I'm moving into scalability. Will take some time to achieve the next significant success.

& know what, my first job was baking 'nian gao' (CNY glutinous rice cake) for RM18/day... yup, that's RM2/hour... when I was in Form 4. The home bakery was damn hot without any fan or aircon. Cheap labour but I learned a skill.

I bet not many people have worked for RM2/hour before. LOL

So yeah, humble beginnings... I was bitter at first, but now I can see poverty can be a blessing in disguise-- only if we use it as a source of motivation to propel us to move forward and change our fate.

For lifestyle, I'm pretty much into philosophy books, especially Stoicism, which teaches the art of living with ancient Greek wisdom. Then, I complement it with wisdom from Taoism and Buddhism. I find that each philosophy answers different questions about life and makes me think more deeply. I'm a Christian myself, but not religious; more spiritual. By integrating multiple belief systems and philosophies, I get truly vast worldviews, higher perspectives of the human life.

If you like something deep, philosophy is awesome: great for meditation, calming the mind, cleansing past emo baggage, improving your energy and aura

If you prefer something light, then modern self-help books are good for a start.

Self-Help
Vishen Lakhiani: The Code of The Extraordinary Mind; The Buddha and the Badass
Mark Manson: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck
Robin Sharma: The 5AM Club: Own Your Morning. Elevate Your Life
Hector Garcia: Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Joyful Life
Nic Vujicic: Life Without Limits
Anthony Robbins: Awaken the Giant Within
Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends and Influence People; How to Stop Worrying and Start Living
Richard N. Bolles: What Colour is Your Parachute
John C. Maxwell: Developing the Leader within You; The 5 Levels of Leadership; The 360 Degree Leader
Dr Spencer Johnson: Who Moved My Cheese
Robert Greene: The 48 Laws of Power

Finance: Wealth Mindset
T Harv Eker: The Good Millionnaire; Secrets of the Millionnaire Mind
George S. Clason: The Richest Man in Babylon
Napoleon Hill: Think and Grow Rich
Anthony Robbins: Unshakeable: Your Financial Freedom Playbook
KC Lau: Money Tips Volume 1-4
Adam Khoo: Secrets of Self-Made Millionaires
Azizi Ali: Money Changes Everything; Millionaires Are From A Different Planet

Business
Michael Lewrick: The Design Thinking Playbook: mindful digital transformation of teams, products, services, businesses and ecosystems
Thomas Lockwood: Design Thinking: integrating innovation, customer Experience and brand value
Tom Eisenmann: Why Startups Fail
Jim Collins: Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap...And Others Don't
Rajat Bhargava, Will Herman: The Startup Playbook : founder-to-founder advice from two startup veterans
Oliver Gassmann: Business Model Navigator
David Bland and Alex Osterwalder: Testing Business Ideas

Relationships
Steve Harvey: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man
Stan Tatkin: Wired for love: how understanding your partner’s brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship
John Gray: Why Mars and Venus Collide
Barrie Davenport: 201 Relationship Questions: The Couple’s Guide to Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy
Katherine Aumer: The Psychology of Love and Hate in Intimate Relationships

These should be enough for you to explore. Have fun reading!

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 25 2024, 10:32 AM

Btw, my name is R-A-L-N-A . haha

It's the name of a fictional character, from Journey to the Centre of the Earth TV series. Ralna lives in the underground world as a beautiful tribeswoman who rescues the male protagonist and heals his wounds with her magical powers. He then falls in love with her, and they make love to each other, despite both being engaged. They are later separated during a thunderstorm when the expedition team tries to return to the earth surface. The male protagonist just can't forget her, and later returns to the underground world to find her again.

Kinda dark and immoral bit, but so hot and sexy. So lengzai lenglui. I love it.



I loveeeeee reading fantasy and adventure books... and 18SX romance novels.

You're welcome.

I know about these books from different sources:
- Amazon Kindle
- Goodreads
- Video courses by those authors
- Personal recommendation (by my dad, friends, coaches, trainers)
- Podcasts, interviews
- Physical bookstores
- Websites, online articles
- Ads, social media posts

I'm an avid learner. I regularly study and attend classes/courses.

This post has been edited by Ralna: Sep 25 2024, 07:32 PM

I know I don't sound like it, but I used to work as a lecturer for years, and now I'm a speaker and skills trainer too.

Back then, my male students liked me a lot. I was prim and proper in classroom setting, but they still asked me these questions...


LOL. Cute. Seems like guys always have some fantasies towards their female teachers huh

My students were seldom late, always paid attention in class, and academically performed better than their peers taught by other lecturers. In the end, most passed the subject and scored As and Bs.

Nice. haha

haih cannot la... not interested in young dudes who haven't started making money yet.

I'm still young and wanna be sayang by male peers or older men.

Yerrrr so bad. I got fine taste la. haha