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Advice Wanted Lies: How to spot someone in Dating Red Flags..

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nihility
post Nov 13 2022, 07:02 AM

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QUOTE(Syie9^_^ @ Nov 12 2022, 06:58 PM)
Well, what if the parents passes on? sweat.gif Take example, covid-19.. unsure.gif
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There will be someone important in their life before you, someone they rely on, respected or play important role to shape them. If the girl are important to them, very likely they will tell girl about this character in their life ( the person can be a elder from the family's friend, their elder sibling, it can be their teacher or coach, can be elderly within the place he grow up, close friend etc.). When there is major progress in their life, they will usually like their significant other to meet this person, as a gesture appreciation and respect.

If there is non of these, I think that is a big red flag.
...................................

At some point in life, we will face obstacles & failures. The failure happens because we did not learn or pick up thing we are suppose learn along the way.

You experienced 3 failed relationships. What have you learn from these 3 failures to make you a better person of yourself?

“When you lose, don't lose the lesson”.

Cubalagi
post Nov 13 2022, 09:54 AM

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For me, look at the amount of effort the partners puts into the relationship. The effort should not be very lopsided which is a red flag. It should be roughly equal.

At the start, the man should be chasing. So naturally the man will put in more effort. But once the girl reciprocate, then the effort should be about balance.

nihility
post Nov 13 2022, 10:10 AM

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QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 12 2022, 10:00 PM)
Why blessings from parents are important? Can get it from temple / mosque / kuil
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When I stated the blessing here, it is not religious blessing stuff. It is more like parents / family agreement for you to go ahead with your choice of partner. Their blessing means, they have no objection & the blessing will indirectly translated into necessary family's support when the time of challenge arrive. Time of challenge ? You will know it when you face it. The younger generation will argue, this is between me & my other half, why need my parent/family blessing ? Nothing wrong with that but with the blessing, your marriage will go smoother.

There are basically 2 most major hurdles where the parent / family support will come in great help:-

1st major hurdle - marriage < 30 y.o range. With the stagnant salary median, how do you expect the male to marry the female by saving? We are not talking about the high flyer performers, lets talk about average ordinary ppl. If you really go by saving, probably you will get to marry the girl by mid 30s, can the girl wait ?Is it fair to ask the girl wait? This is where the 1st parent blessing & support comes in. When you become the parent, you will know that, the kids cannot make it on their own by their saving, unless they forgo all the tradition both side, you can control your side but can you control your other half side ?

2nd major hurdle - married young couple with newborn/kids to age 7 y.o. This duration is where majority of the marriage failed. Failed because they are unable to adjust to the parenthood, the child care took so much of their time, at the same time during the late 20s to early 30s, that is the period where they have a lot to prove in their career / corporate ladder. Tied with the busy work schedule + kids attention, it is no brainer that the husband & wife relationship will be subjected to a lot of tests during these period. Thing will be different if there is parent / family support. When you are too tired & busy, if you have parent or sibling who can help to take care your children 2-3 days off once awhile, so that you can have the couple time with your wife, it will make a lot of different vs totally no support. If you are busy during weekend, with family support, your wife can tag along well with your sisters / your mother to go shopping while leaving you busy with your works vs your wife waiting at home with your kids with the mentality that you did not help her at all.

Just some examples.

This post has been edited by nihility: Nov 13 2022, 10:28 AM
TSSyie9^_^
post Nov 13 2022, 10:51 AM

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QUOTE(Ramjade @ Nov 13 2022, 12:19 AM)
TS trying to detect potential bad guys before she commit again.
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I`m not looking for anyone at this stage, as i still need sometime to heal myself from this very long relationship. But I cant always just waste time ruminating about my problems and about the past.

thus wish to seek more perspective from male and female alike, to be better for myself and others who read. smile.gif

This post has been edited by Syie9^_^: Nov 13 2022, 10:57 AM
Ramjade
post Nov 13 2022, 11:14 AM

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QUOTE(Syie9^_^ @ Nov 13 2022, 10:51 AM)
I`m not looking for anyone at this stage, as i still need sometime to heal myself from this very long relationship. But I cant always just waste time ruminating about my problems and about the past.

thus wish to seek more perspective from male and female alike, to be better for myself and others who read.  smile.gif
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Go watch the YouTuber video. Her advise and views are what a non toxic sincere human relationship should be.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Nov 13 2022, 11:15 AM
Zoo Howl
post Nov 13 2022, 11:38 AM

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QUOTE(nihility @ Nov 13 2022, 10:10 AM)
When I stated the blessing here, it is not religious blessing stuff. It is more like parents / family agreement for you to go ahead with your choice of partner. Their blessing means, they have no objection & the blessing will indirectly translated into necessary family's support when the time of challenge arrive. Time of challenge ? You will know it when you face it. The younger generation will argue, this is between me & my other half, why need my parent/family blessing ? Nothing wrong with that but with the blessing, your marriage will go smoother.

There are basically 2 most major hurdles where the parent / family support will come in great help:-

1st major hurdle - marriage < 30 y.o range. With the stagnant salary median, how do you expect the male to marry the female by saving? We are not talking about the high flyer performers, lets talk about average ordinary ppl. If you really go by saving, probably you will get to marry the girl by mid 30s, can the girl wait ?Is it fair to ask the girl wait? This is where the 1st parent blessing & support comes in. When you become the parent, you will know that, the kids cannot make it on their own by their saving, unless they forgo all the tradition both side, you can control your side but can you control your other half side ?

2nd major hurdle - married young couple with newborn/kids to age 7 y.o. This duration is where majority of the marriage failed. Failed because they are unable to adjust to the parenthood, the child care took so much of their time, at the same time during the late 20s to early 30s, that is the period where they have a lot to prove in their career / corporate ladder. Tied with the busy work schedule + kids attention, it is no brainer that the husband & wife relationship will be subjected to a lot of tests during these period. Thing will be different if there is parent / family support. When you are too tired & busy, if you have parent or sibling who can help to take care your children 2-3 days off once awhile, so that you can have the couple time with your wife, it will make a lot of different vs totally no support. If you are busy during weekend, with family support, your wife can tag along well with your sisters / your mother to go shopping while leaving you busy with your works vs your wife waiting at home with your kids with the mentality that you did not help her at all.

Just some examples.
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I see… family support

What if the parents give objection and dont give any blessing then have to break up?
nihility
post Nov 13 2022, 11:48 AM

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QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 13 2022, 11:38 AM)
I see… family support

What if the parents give objection and dont give any blessing then have to break up?
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To break or not, it is up to you. If you don't get their blessing, be ready not to expect the good terms between your spouse & your parent, don't expect the help coming. Then you have to be ready for the worst case scenario when the time arrive.
silverhawk
post Nov 13 2022, 11:49 AM

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QUOTE(Syie9^_^ @ Nov 13 2022, 10:51 AM)
I`m not looking for anyone at this stage, as i still need sometime to heal myself from this very long relationship. But I cant always just waste time ruminating about my problems and about the past.

thus wish to seek more perspective from male and female alike, to be better for myself and others who read.  smile.gif
*
Go enjoy life la, don't be so worried about getting a partner. A partner may come along when you least expect it.


QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 13 2022, 11:38 AM)
I see… family support

What if the parents give objection and dont give any blessing then have to break up?
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Generally it will happen if the families are not supportive. You can choose to fight it, but you should also carefully consider why they are objecting in the first place, some parents may not have your best interest at heart, but most do.
Zoo Howl
post Nov 13 2022, 12:18 PM

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QUOTE(nihility @ Nov 13 2022, 11:48 AM)
To break or not, it is up to you. If you don't get their blessing, be ready not to expect the good terms between your spouse & your parent, don't expect the help coming. Then you have to be ready for the worst case scenario when the time arrive.
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Then just dont have children. Like this i do not need family support nor blessing. Right?
nihility
post Nov 13 2022, 01:49 PM

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QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 13 2022, 12:18 PM)
Then just dont have children. Like this i do not need family support nor blessing. Right?
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Family blessing & support, covers more than that, not necessary on having or not having the children. It is just one of the example of the major obstacle that can be smoothen with family blessing.




Zoo Howl
post Nov 13 2022, 03:44 PM

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QUOTE(nihility @ Nov 13 2022, 01:49 PM)
Family blessing & support, covers more than that, not necessary on having or not having the children. It is just one of the example of the major obstacle that can be smoothen with family blessing.
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Then its very hard to get parents approval and blessing…..
silverhawk
post Nov 14 2022, 12:27 AM

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QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 13 2022, 12:18 PM)
Then just dont have children. Like this i do not need family support nor blessing. Right?
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You don't have any form of social experience is it?

If your partner's family is not supportive, it also means they're always going to talk bad about you, and create hassle for you in your dating life. You'll always be compared with someone better, family will have outings/events that clash with your date plans, etc.

How long do you think you'll last in that sort of relationship? Even if you can take it, your partner likely will not.

Please use brain a bit.
Zoo Howl
post Nov 14 2022, 04:04 AM

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QUOTE(silverhawk @ Nov 14 2022, 12:27 AM)
You don't have any form of social experience is it?

If your partner's family is not supportive, it also means they're always going to talk bad about you, and create hassle for you in your dating life. You'll always be compared with someone better, family will have outings/events that clash with your date plans, etc.

How long do you think you'll last in that sort of relationship? Even if you can take it, your partner likely will not.

Please use brain a bit.
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Yes because i have not reached that stage yet
Luna Ying
post Nov 14 2022, 06:52 AM

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QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 14 2022, 04:04 AM)
Yes because i have not reached that stage yet
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You don't just marry the girl only.. the family members come in a package. SO..don't raise the difficulties yourself.
Its unavoidable unless you both plan to elope and never meet the other side family members again.
Or you both can be super thick face and total ignore them after marriage and only meet up during the big gathering festivals that happen once a year.

Plus in-laws is not suppose to be your children baby-sitter. They might wanna help but doesn't meant they are compulsory to do it.
Zoo Howl
post Nov 14 2022, 10:24 AM

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QUOTE(Luna Ying @ Nov 14 2022, 06:52 AM)
You don't just marry the girl only.. the family members come in a package. SO..don't raise the difficulties yourself.
Its unavoidable unless you both plan to elope and never meet the other side family members again.
Or you both can be super thick face and total ignore them after marriage and only meet up during the big gathering festivals that happen once a year.

Plus in-laws is not suppose to be your children baby-sitter. They might wanna help but doesn't meant they are compulsory to do it.
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I see. Yeah saw some of the couple are like that, only appeared during big festival
Ramjade
post Nov 14 2022, 10:42 AM

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QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 14 2022, 04:04 AM)
Yes because i have not reached that stage yet
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If you are seeing someone high chances the girls parents will know already cause likely the girl already told them before hand.
redracer2004
post Nov 14 2022, 11:50 AM

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QUOTE(Zoo Howl @ Nov 14 2022, 04:04 AM)
Yes because i have not reached that stage yet
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Coming from an experience where I am the guy and my family didn't like my ex-wife, it was soooo hard to get things done at first. When they started to accept (not her but the reality that I am married to a girl they don't like), they started to tone down on their defenses and started to be more accepting but who knows at the end, ex wife couldn't even show commitment despite my side of the family given in fully.

Lesson is, it will be damn difficult if either parents don't like either of you.
redracer2004
post Nov 14 2022, 11:51 AM

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QUOTE(Ramjade @ Nov 14 2022, 10:42 AM)
If you are seeing someone high chances the girls parents will know already cause likely the girl already told them before hand.
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Even before you start dating, the girl might have mentioned your existence to the parents or siblings.
Ramjade
post Nov 14 2022, 11:52 AM

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QUOTE(redracer2004 @ Nov 14 2022, 11:51 AM)
Even before you start dating, the girl might have mentioned your existence to the parents or siblings.
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Not so fast. By third and fourth date sure mentioned already. Unlikely first and second date mentioned.

This post has been edited by Ramjade: Nov 14 2022, 11:52 AM
redracer2004
post Nov 14 2022, 11:57 AM

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QUOTE(Ramjade @ Nov 14 2022, 11:52 AM)
Not so fast. By third and fourth date sure mentioned already. Unlikely first and second date mentioned.
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I mean as in before start official. I think I screwed up my sentence.

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