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 Trust Issues with Wife

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TSTedMosby P
post May 9 2022, 11:08 AM, updated 2y ago

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Lost soul seeking for an honest advice,

The Background
We have been married for 12 years, she is 39 & I am 41. We have 3 beautiful kids age 10, 5 & 2.
During the course of 12 years marriage, we do have our ups and down but I think we managed to solve conflicts we have.
I do not know if that is it or we are suppressing the issues we have.
We both dont really have issues with money as I earn more then her and our combine household income is over 20k a month which is sufficient to live comfortably,
Nevertheless money is never enough for anybody.

The Issue
Recently i found out that my wife was not being honest with the after office hours outings,
She claim that it was together with her colleague and boss as the boss has invited them for dinner.
This has happened over 3 times from December 2021(Dinner), January 2022(Dinner), February 2022(Dinner) and March 2022(Weekend lunch).
I found out after I notice an expensive branded shoe in her car during April 2022, I ask her when did she got it,
She hesitated and finally told me it was a gift from her boss. I ask if those dinner nights was it just you and your boss alone and she finally admitted the truth.
The shoe was purchase after they had lunch during the weekend at Pavilion.
I didn't really question her back during December 2021 as I trusted her right up to February 2022 I notice that the dinner was getting consistent, I texted her was it just you and your boss, when she replied no.
All these dinner they went were fine dining restaurants to rooftop restaurants around KL.
I know is ethically not right but I went through her phone to find out where exactly they have been and notice a messages back in December 2021 that her boss send her a link of top romantic restaurants in KL.
The boss has a driver that chauffeur them around.

She told me that she didn't suggest these outings and it was the boss, she claim that they have never been intimate together.
She just wanted to built rapport with the boss to gain opportunity in the company.
I ask why didn't she just tell me the truth from the beginning? She told me that because she feels I cant handle the truth.
I was devastated that my wife lied to me and went through depression and emotion state.
For weeks I was not in my best emotion and she notice that, she use that and strengthen her claim that she was right that I couldn't handle the truth.

I try picking myself up from this episode and move on, however recently i notice she started wearing the shoe.
She notice that I wasn't happy and I just kept to myself.
During my emotion state, i still carry out my duties as a family man, once the kids are asleep i just kept to myself and didn't spoke much to her.
I then found the time to explain how i honestly felt that I was not comfortable that she was wearing the shoe and she was insensitive to do that.
She stick by her belief that she done no wrong and is alright for her to be wearing it.
I even question her if it was the other way round and she was in my position, she is alright with me doing the same to her by wearing a gift which i knew was unhappy about on this episode.
She question me how long do i need to be in this emotion state as this issue has already been for a month.

Thanks for reading.
djdevan
post May 9 2022, 11:18 AM

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Right way is, please have a open talk with her. And you may make decision based on her response.
rootbeer
post May 9 2022, 11:19 AM

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sorry , knowing you have to go thru such difficult time.

if one side wanted to go into an adventurous path. you will need to ask her if your family moving toward an open relationship like will smith
or
not,
there is not much you can do,
seinganchai
post May 9 2022, 11:22 AM

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Get legal help and most important get evidence of infidelity (use a PI) urgently. Get a lawyer advice. on the next step. Pretend everything is fine until the evidence arrives. There is a law on enticement.
shadow_fax
post May 9 2022, 11:26 AM

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What advise you expect?
Different people different perspectives, opinions, advises.

Some would say you could also do the same have outings with a lady.
Some would say nothing wrong and it's you who overthink.
Some would say communicate with your spouse.

Me as an OUTSIDER, looking at your situation, I will prepare for worst if I were in your shoes.
Devastated, depressed, whatever you wanna call it... You have to get back up eventually, for your kids and you yourself.

Ask yourself first, even if the outings stop, but your wife still work for the same boss, are you ok with it??

If this happens to me, I label this a BIG RED FLAG and UNACCEPTABLE.
I'm gonna let her make her choice... Cause once trust is lost/broken, it takes forever to regain/rebuild...

Be strong man!!

Fzeo
post May 9 2022, 11:27 AM

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need to know what is her job. if in business development then yeah, maybe.

also, the boss is single?
pysh
post May 9 2022, 11:28 AM

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i'd burn the shoe away and see what happens after that..
if another shoe comes up, then your worst fear is confirmed..

nargcore
post May 9 2022, 11:31 AM

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Clearly this is an issue for you. I would suggest to get a PI or stalk her yourself and get more intel.

Another thing,dont confide in anyone yet,as they might tell her something.

Hope it works well in the end.
r3d2
post May 9 2022, 11:31 AM

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Is your wife desireable that your boss take an interest in her? For a boss with a chaffeur, I think he can have more than enough gfS

anakkk
post May 9 2022, 11:36 AM

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maybe go marriage counseling
tzuen
post May 9 2022, 11:38 AM

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With all these happening right now, i'm glad you able to handle it well. Keep your mind and conversation open with all these scenarios, if you think you unable to sort this out with your wife. I reco please talk to your wife and open up a suggestion for couple counselling.

Is it necessary to have counselling at this stage? I strongly reco you 2 doing it now, while you all still love each other and open up for conversation. it will be easier to get it solve than making any wrong assumptions.
megadisc
post May 9 2022, 11:39 AM

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From: Johor Bahru, Malaysia

QUOTE(TedMosby @ May 9 2022, 11:08 AM)
Lost soul seeking for an honest advice,

The Background
We have been married for 12 years, she is 39 & I am 41. We have 3 beautiful kids age 10, 5 & 2.
During the course of 12 years marriage, we do have our ups and down but I think we managed to solve conflicts we have.
I do not know if that is it or we are suppressing the issues we have.
We both dont really have issues with money as I earn more then her and our combine household income is over 20k a month which is sufficient to live comfortably,
Nevertheless money is never enough for anybody.

The Issue
Recently i found out that my wife was not being honest with the after office hours outings,
She claim that it was together with her colleague and boss as the boss has invited them for dinner.
This has happened over 3 times from December 2021(Dinner), January 2022(Dinner), February 2022(Dinner) and March 2022(Weekend lunch).
I found out after I notice an expensive branded shoe in her car during April 2022, I ask her when did she got it,
She hesitated and finally told me it was a gift from her boss. I ask if those dinner nights was it just you and your boss alone and she finally admitted the truth.
The shoe was purchase after they had lunch during the weekend at Pavilion.
I didn't really question her back during December 2021 as I trusted her right up to February 2022 I notice that the dinner was getting consistent, I texted her was it just you and your boss, when she replied no.
All these dinner they went were fine dining restaurants to rooftop restaurants around KL.
I know is ethically not right but I went through her phone to find out where exactly they have been and notice a messages back in December 2021 that her boss send her a link of top romantic restaurants in KL.
The boss has a driver that chauffeur them around.

She told me that she didn't suggest these outings and it was the boss, she claim that they have never been intimate together.
She just wanted to built rapport with the boss to gain opportunity in the company.
I ask why didn't she just tell me the truth from the beginning? She told me that because she feels I cant handle the truth.
I was devastated that my wife lied to me and went through depression and emotion state.
For weeks I was not in my best emotion and she notice that, she use that and strengthen her claim that she was right that I couldn't handle the truth.

I try picking myself up from this episode and move on, however recently i notice she started wearing the shoe.
She notice that I wasn't happy and I just kept to myself.
During my emotion state, i still carry out my duties as a family man, once the kids are asleep i just kept to myself and didn't spoke much to her.
I then found the time to explain how i honestly felt that I was not comfortable that she was wearing the shoe and she was insensitive to do that.
She stick by her belief that she done no wrong and is alright for her to be wearing it.
I even question her if it was the other way round and she was in my position, she is alright with me doing the same to her by wearing a gift which i knew was unhappy about on this episode.
She question me how long do i need to be in this emotion state as this issue has already been for a month.

Thanks for reading.
*
seldom women infidel especialy for our generation z
as long as she comes abck to her family and u
be assured tht youre okay

QUOTE(nargcore @ May 9 2022, 11:31 AM)
Clearly this is an issue for you. I would suggest to get a PI or stalk her yourself and get more intel.

Another thing,dont confide in anyone yet,as they might tell her something.

Hope it works well in the end.
*
a PI will help lots

QUOTE(r3d2 @ May 9 2022, 11:31 AM)
Is your wife desireable that your boss take an interest in her? For a boss with a chaffeur, I think he can have more than enough gfS
*
men likes women with brains

QUOTE(pysh @ May 9 2022, 11:28 AM)
i'd burn the shoe away and see what happens after that..
if another shoe comes up, then your worst fear is confirmed..
*
toiletwater
post May 9 2022, 11:48 AM

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I second the marraige counselling. But both sides need to be open to it.

They will allow both of you to talk through things safely (framework of communication), establish boundaries and work-out a plan for both you (e.g, are you as the husband meeting her needs as the wife; is she receptive enough of your emotional state).

Lastly, please do take care of your own mental health. This cannot be stressed enough.
Nickwayne
post May 9 2022, 11:49 AM

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Talk with her before it is too late. If what she have done already overstep your boundary and if you are uncomfortable with it, find a chance and talk with her (not necessary to mention the boss and ethic stuff, control your temper and don't turn it into a fight)

Ask her what is she seeking, let her express her feeling (either you not romantic enough? lack of sparks etc) and what she think of the future between two of you. At the end of conversation, make sure you express that this is NOT OKAY and if this is what she want, you will leave her and this will lead to a possible divorce.

Don't drag it further as the feeling towards other will build up over time. Also, people are selfish and tends to avoid making difficult decision (avoid choosing and try to hanging on both).

Hope you can get through this tough situation and I believe you deserve better.

This post has been edited by Nickwayne: May 9 2022, 11:53 AM
shadow_fax
post May 9 2022, 12:21 PM

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QUOTE(Nickwayne @ May 9 2022, 11:49 AM)
Talk with her before it is too late. If what she have done already overstep your boundary and if you are uncomfortable with it, find a chance and talk with her (not necessary to mention the boss and ethic stuff, control your temper and don't turn it into a fight)

Ask her what is she seeking, let her express her feeling (either you not romantic enough? lack of sparks etc) and what she think of the future between two of you. At the end of conversation, make sure you express that this is NOT OKAY and if this is what she want, you will leave her and this will lead to a possible divorce.

Don't drag it further as the feeling towards other will build up over time. Also, people are selfish and tends to avoid making difficult decision (avoid choosing and try to hanging on both).

Hope you can get through this tough situation and I believe you deserve better.
*
For me it's already too late. Few outings some more leh. I just can't find myself a good excuse to accept my spouse to build rapport with boss at top romantic restaurants out of working hours (not forgetting the cheating part). And I also can't justify what's the motive of a boss to gift an expensive branded shoes to a lady who is married. There are many ways to build rapport, there are many ways to reward an employee too...

But of course, TS needs to talk & sort this out with his wife...
Good luck TS!

This post has been edited by shadow_fax: May 9 2022, 12:22 PM
Daylight_walker
post May 9 2022, 12:24 PM

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actually i believe ts know what to do next, he just need an emotional supportive from us. no worries ts, we are here listen and support you. cheer~ icon_rolleyes.gif
TSTedMosby P
post May 9 2022, 12:46 PM

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Hello Everyone,
Thank you for the overwhelming response and support. I didnt expect that anyone would take my case seriously.
For a man - it does sometimes felt embarrassing that u got to put up with all these.
Well, never suffer in silence.

QUOTE(djdevan @ May 9 2022, 11:18 AM)
Right way is, please have a open talk with her. And you may make decision based on her response.
*
Yes we did have an open talk. Believe me i was really calm and didn't went berserk or aggressive.
I told her perhaps her actions is also partly my fault. It always take both hands to clap and I really wanted to resolve this.
But just recently she started wearing the shoe which i felt really insensitive to do so and I drown myself in an emotion state again.



QUOTE(rootbeer @ May 9 2022, 11:19 AM)
sorry , knowing you have to go thru such difficult time.

if one side wanted to go into an adventurous path. you will need to ask her if your family moving toward an open relationship like will smith
or
not,
there is not much you can do,
*
I am not prepared for that kind of relationship, perhaps I'm old fashion and I want my kids to be brought up without a broken family concept.


QUOTE(seinganchai @ May 9 2022, 11:22 AM)
Get legal help and most important get evidence of infidelity (use a PI) urgently. Get a lawyer advice. on the next step. Pretend everything is fine until the evidence arrives. There is a law on enticement.
*
It did ran my mind to hire a PI - but really I don't want to get in this mess and prefer the come clean method and talk like matured adults do.



QUOTE(shadow_fax @ May 9 2022, 11:26 AM)
What advise you expect?
Different people different perspectives, opinions, advises.

Some would say you could also do the same have outings with a lady.
Some would say nothing wrong and it's you who overthink.
Some would say communicate with your spouse.

Me as an OUTSIDER, looking at your situation, I will prepare for worst if I were in your shoes.
Devastated, depressed, whatever you wanna call it... You have to get back up eventually, for your kids and you yourself.

Ask yourself first, even if the outings stop, but your wife still work for the same boss, are you ok with it??

If this happens to me, I label this a BIG RED FLAG and UNACCEPTABLE.
I'm gonna let her make her choice... Cause once trust is lost/broken, it takes forever to regain/rebuild...

Be strong man!!
*
Well, my tolerance is high and I do not mind making amens to make things right. Everybody makes mistakes in life, with all the lust and temptations. I believe everyone deserve as second chance, that is if its worth while.

QUOTE(Fzeo @ May 9 2022, 11:27 AM)
need to know what is her job. if in business development then yeah, maybe.

also, the boss is single?
*
She is the head of a department and nothing to do with business development.





TSTedMosby P
post May 9 2022, 12:47 PM

New Member
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Joined: May 2022
QUOTE(pysh @ May 9 2022, 11:28 AM)
i'd burn the shoe away and see what happens after that..
if another shoe comes up, then your worst fear is confirmed..
*
If i do that, it will only make me look bad to worst. I prefer to go the genuine route.




QUOTE(r3d2 @ May 9 2022, 11:31 AM)
Is your wife desireable that your boss take an interest in her? For a boss with a chaffeur, I think he can have more than enough gfS
*
She is attractive and smart.




QUOTE(tzuen @ May 9 2022, 11:38 AM)
With all these happening right now, i'm glad you able to handle it well. Keep your mind and conversation open with all these scenarios, if you think you unable to sort this out with your wife. I reco please talk to your wife and open up a suggestion for couple counselling.

Is it necessary to have counselling at this stage? I strongly reco you 2 doing it now, while you all still love each other and open up for conversation. it will be easier to get it solve than making any wrong assumptions.
*
Perhaps that would be an option


QUOTE(Nickwayne @ May 9 2022, 11:49 AM)
Talk with her before it is too late. If what she have done already overstep your boundary and if you are uncomfortable with it, find a chance and talk with her (not necessary to mention the boss and ethic stuff, control your temper and don't turn it into a fight)

Ask her what is she seeking, let her express her feeling (either you not romantic enough? lack of sparks etc) and what she think of the future between two of you. At the end of conversation, make sure you express that this is NOT OKAY and if this is what she want, you will leave her and this will lead to a possible divorce.

Don't drag it further as the feeling towards other will build up over time. Also, people are selfish and tends to avoid making difficult decision (avoid choosing and try to hanging on both).

Hope you can get through this tough situation and I believe you deserve better.
*
I really tried talking and was picking myself up right up to Saturday when i notice she took the shoes our to wear a day before which was place in the front seat of the car. She notice i saw it and quickly kept it back to the trunk. I felt after this ordeal dont she felt insensitive to do this.
acbc
post May 9 2022, 12:48 PM

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Put a GPS tracker inside her car and favourite handbag. Watch and listen. Record everything. U can use that as evidence later.
Amethyst303
post May 9 2022, 01:27 PM

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Hi TS

It really sucks to be in a position where you need to question your spouse's every action and if she is telling the truth.

Reality is, she has broken the trust by being untruthful about the various outings. There were many things she could have done when the boss made advancements to her - she could have told u right from the start, she could have rejected the presents and romantic dinners. The fact is that she didnt, cos she was enjoying the attention.

However now that the cat is out of the bag, ask her what she wants moving forward. If she still wants to continue working in the company with these grey boundaries - can you accept it? And if you can't, are u willing to go through breaking up the marriage (and family)?

These are questions that only you, and you alone can answer. It may take a while before you even have an answer. It may take another event for you to know your answer for sure.

Divorce is not easy (trust me I went through it), so if you can save the marriage and family, please do so. Good luck!

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