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Serious sexually-incompatible with wife of 6 years, what should I do?

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achong09
post Apr 26 2022, 10:57 AM

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QUOTE(zetalpha @ Apr 22 2022, 05:33 PM)
We are a DINK couple with full time employment and reaching 40 years old. She is slim and healthy while I am slightly overweight like typical dad bod, but never obese. I'm well-trimmed, have good amount of hair and do not have bad breath or body odor.

I am however, personally frustrated with my sex life, because she is not into sex. She has a very healthy menstrual cycle and she never has menstrual cramps. She doesn't experience pain while doing it either. Whenever I ask her if her job is stressful, she said no and is already considered comfy compared to the jobs we had in our 20s.

She is just simply not interested in sex. And whenever she does it, it feels like "pity sex" which makes me feel more miserable.

It's been 3 years since we had our last sex. I don't want to feel like a sex maniac, but I must admit I am extremely sexually-deprived. I never resorted to cheating, having affairs or soliciting prostitutes because I feel it's a taint to our marriage.

I am not asking for a lot, once a week I believe is enough to keep my sex health in check. I am also not asking for professional porn performance, as I know that is fake. However when I watch amateur porn (real life couples that are not professionals), they enjoy the sex so much and it makes me feel I am missing out a good sex life, possibly for the rest of my life.

Whenever we do it, she doesn't allow saliva on her skin so I can only "dry kiss". I am also not allowed to ejaculate on anywhere else but her belly (sometimes inside during infertile days). She also used to perform oral sex on me but has stopped for many years. And she doesn't allow me to perform oral sex on her, or finger-penetrate her. Our sex can be described in this order, we hug and kiss, I make her orgasm (by rubbing outside with fingers), she rides on top, then finish with missionary, every single time. No doggy or other positions and absolutely no sex outside bedroom. I don't have premature ejaculation or "soft" issues, and my tool is standard-sized, neither too small nor too huge. At times she complained that I am taking too long to finish (because I get so little sex, deep inside I wanted a session to last longer).

In summary, no sex for years, if there is sex it is very specific and "templated" where a lot of things are not allowed.

Other than sex life, we are on good terms with everything else in life. Sex toys cannot save me  because I have tried and it just does not feel the same where a woman desires you and enjoys having sex with you.

Am I doomed to suffer a "dead bedroom" for life and it's my punishment for staying loyal to my wife?
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Bro, you should consider lucky.. at leasts she let you piak ( she go on top you finish with missionary etc).. what else you want somemore?? dont be too "greedy"la.. got already want more.. aiyoh better than none right?? got whatever take it la.. dont complain dont ask for more... whatever extra is a bonus otherwise live with it.. most important now is live a healthy life, stay safe and hope no WW3 coming... console.gif console.gif
achong09
post May 17 2022, 08:16 AM

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QUOTE(zetalpha @ Apr 22 2022, 05:33 PM)
We are a DINK couple with full time employment and reaching 40 years old. She is slim and healthy while I am slightly overweight like typical dad bod, but never obese. I'm well-trimmed, have good amount of hair and do not have bad breath or body odor.

I am however, personally frustrated with my sex life, because she is not into sex. She has a very healthy menstrual cycle and she never has menstrual cramps. She doesn't experience pain while doing it either. Whenever I ask her if her job is stressful, she said no and is already considered comfy compared to the jobs we had in our 20s.

She is just simply not interested in sex. And whenever she does it, it feels like "pity sex" which makes me feel more miserable.

It's been 3 years since we had our last sex. I don't want to feel like a sex maniac, but I must admit I am extremely sexually-deprived. I never resorted to cheating, having affairs or soliciting prostitutes because I feel it's a taint to our marriage.

I am not asking for a lot, once a week I believe is enough to keep my sex health in check. I am also not asking for professional porn performance, as I know that is fake. However when I watch amateur porn (real life couples that are not professionals), they enjoy the sex so much and it makes me feel I am missing out a good sex life, possibly for the rest of my life.

Whenever we do it, she doesn't allow saliva on her skin so I can only "dry kiss". I am also not allowed to ejaculate on anywhere else but her belly (sometimes inside during infertile days). She also used to perform oral sex on me but has stopped for many years. And she doesn't allow me to perform oral sex on her, or finger-penetrate her. Our sex can be described in this order, we hug and kiss, I make her orgasm (by rubbing outside with fingers), she rides on top, then finish with missionary, every single time. No doggy or other positions and absolutely no sex outside bedroom. I don't have premature ejaculation or "soft" issues, and my tool is standard-sized, neither too small nor too huge. At times she complained that I am taking too long to finish (because I get so little sex, deep inside I wanted a session to last longer).

In summary, no sex for years, if there is sex it is very specific and "templated" where a lot of things are not allowed.

Other than sex life, we are on good terms with everything else in life. Sex toys cannot save me  because I have tried and it just does not feel the same where a woman desires you and enjoys having sex with you.

Am I doomed to suffer a "dead bedroom" for life and it's my punishment for staying loyal to my wife?
*
Bro, we are all in the same boat... our chinese wife always think their pussy / boobs are super duper precious... once have kid all simpan already even to husband... they are not so öpen" as we thought they are... whatever you read in the internet or watch videos etc all bullshit one.. in reality this is not how it is with our chinese wife... anyway its up to us individually to live with it the rest of our lifes with them until we die or to go out and cheong or prob get caught 1 of the days.. god is great btw always remember that..... think wisely... doh.gif doh.gif
achong09
post May 17 2022, 08:18 AM

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QUOTE(angelofpain @ May 11 2022, 02:44 AM)
Feeling glad as i found this thread.. not alone anymore. Frustrating and yes, feels not healthy and lost the intimate feelings with my wife after her pregnancy and now my son reached 1 year old. I given up on asking for it. Even disposed the protection i bought. Now i put all my desires aside and keep my mind busy. I also go watch football matches and find a team to support. My nights aren't lonely anymore. COYS!
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We are in the same boat bro... doh.gif doh.gif what can we do? either go out makan or stay in and remain with our lives like this until we die... now come to think of it got many things to think of like how to earn a living etc since kids are growing up and all this keeps us daily busy... when time to sleep with wife sleeping beside just turn the other side and sleep dont see her tempted but no choice.....
achong09
post Aug 8 2022, 08:44 AM

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QUOTE(johnlth93 @ Jul 30 2022, 06:02 AM)
Totally felt you TS. Your situation is far worst then mine.

Me and my gf had been together for over 5 years but the last sex was like more than a year ago.

Sex life is drastically getting less and less frequent since the first year of relationship. Firstly it was like once every two days then once every three days and so forth. It was once everyday month at roughly the second to third years.

Now I had almost forgotten how it self like to have sex. It’s like diy my self is even more fun sometimes.

She always told me to go missionary she just want to be dead fish. It’s super turn off.

How I gonna perform if she only give pity sex.
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your GF attractive or not?
achong09
post Aug 8 2022, 08:46 AM

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QUOTE(100n @ May 5 2022, 12:44 PM)
Guys, welcome to the club. This is the reality of married man.

I had post my married life and how it keep going for so many year on previous post before.

date 10 years and married 13 years and counting. The ratio of getting intimate with my partner drop as my kids grow. Getting less and less as we aged and same like all married men here. I'm not happy about it.

Unlike other bro here, that can "tahan" years without sex. For me, 1 month without sex, my mood already swing badly. I used to question the justification on the rejection since we are legally married and love each other. me and my partner also talked about this issue and the standard reason given by married wife are the standard common reply.

tired, no mood, sleepy, kids not sleep yet , tomorrow wake up early, i only think of sex and nothing else, period came etc (typical reason for all wife).

Well, eventually I make a stand on this. I didn't actually told my partner that i will find outside, but my hint quite clearly stated that our relationship are not healthy at all. Finally we compromise and agreed that we will do it on weekend (at least twice a week). She still short change me weekly.

Let me share you the advice I received and also my own thinking on this issue.

1. You are not the first and won't be the last married husband have this issue.
2.  Is divorce an option for you? Will you willing to sign that paper and restart again?
3. Can you accept this situation for next 10-20 year till your kuku cannot stand?

The first thing you need to do is to analysis your relationship situation (physically and financially). Then, have an honest talk with your wife. relationship without sex are bound for failure.
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hahha Bro your wife still can compromise with you you dem lucky man... for me if i hint or say i go out to find because she dont give sex to me.. she will say "i will divorce you immediately".... wah lau... i cannot afford divorce her la.. like this.. so no choice have to live with it lo...
achong09
post Aug 9 2022, 09:20 AM

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QUOTE(cycheah @ Aug 8 2022, 09:52 PM)
aiyo... why go the negative way?  you go the hard way sure kena backfired with divorce. i test water before and kena same answer laugh.gif

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

but still

**opinion may be disturbance depends how you view it. if you don't like disturbance opinion, don't view it. hence here i warn you 1st.
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

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what do you mean go the hard way?? i also give hint mah she smarter than me catch the hint lo... treathen to divorce.. so now darenot even hint anything la... woman power these days bro.... they can survive on their own without men... some men can't like me lor.. call me useless or whatever but thats life bro... doh.gif
achong09
post Aug 9 2022, 09:33 AM

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QUOTE(AshenOne @ Aug 9 2022, 09:24 AM)
Why you are in it in the first place? Arranged marriage?
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aiyah.... that time normal process mah.... mana tau.. tackle, pak toh, then married lo... after marry human behaviour change regardless male or female.. worst part after give birth after many yrs marriage together, sexless life starts and this is what happen lo....
achong09
post Aug 9 2022, 09:58 AM

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QUOTE(cycheah @ Aug 9 2022, 09:52 AM)
u think you two just know each other for 3 months need to hint? old husband old wife must go direct ma, sweet talk to her, not hint la... you hint and she got it wrongly, sure angry lo  sweat.gif or your pride is so strong you don't sweet talk? sweat.gif

  there is no such thing as useless, it's matter of perspective. you respect your wife and you choose not to outsource it's your choice. you make your wife sounds like a super women laugh.gif but then again, do you really need your wife to survive on your own? if yes, then it's a path you choose, don't complaint. if no, then find ways to amend the problem as long you don't go too deep into it. if you want to make a change, then find ways to do it too, but immoral perspective in the eyes of public, there is no room for mistake.  devil.gif

  i wont say i don't respect my wife, but accumulate negativity within you isn't a healthy way of lifestyle and important is the relationship with your partner would damage. once you are satisfied, you wont start mumbling or complaint about her anymore. but of course that will be an additional monthly spences. laugh.gif
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Well, agree with you in some extend... i can survive without her or without a woman but ever since we are married for a decade and suddently if she leaves me ( divorce) etc i am not sure how to cope with it anyhow thats life... whatever it is life goes on... its not end of the world even if she leaves me...

hmm.. whatever it is hint or being direct i guess woman catch it easily... we always argue or fight over small petty things this is life after marriage over a decade.. its frusfrating but no choice thats married life... to start over again with another woman is not easy and needs more $$ i am not a rich person more or less i need her to survive in directly she is earning more than me btw so yeah.... hmm.gif
achong09
post Aug 9 2022, 02:45 PM

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QUOTE(cycheah @ Aug 9 2022, 11:57 AM)
nowadays there is no shame that wife earn more than husband, at least you can hold on your own and part of children spences is good enough. in my company, many of my colleagues, the wife earn more than husband, somemore maruah no cabar at all  laugh.gif there are also low income and they are the sole breadwinner, dunno how they gonna survive. like me, my basic income is about RM500 different compare to my wife's income, but with my sales commission and 2nd job income, i easily earn more than her already.
but then again, you no gentleman la... fight over small petty things . if you know you gonna compromise, no need argue, just be a good husband and yes it thru in a joke way, not like a beta male. pride is nothing compare to a good relationship with your partner. sometimes man just need to learn how to suck it up and swallow pride.

    married life is shape by husband and wife, not no choice or it's like that. don't be a submissive person, learn to give and take, most important how you put your words.
assuming is very dangerous because when both side guess wrongly, there comes your argument/ disagreement. laugh.gif
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Thats the problem la she assume i hint end up gaduh lo.. end up the divorce word always come out..😢😢

achong09
post Mar 8 2023, 01:52 PM

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QUOTE(teslaman @ Feb 25 2023, 03:42 PM)
My recommendation
1.Go book any 5-6 star hotels nearby on in KL.
2.Give notice to your wife/parner by verbal and whatsapp for appointment at 8pm or 9pm or 10pm for piap session.
3.Notify her either she come on time or late its fine
4.If she never come, tell her other people will come.
5.Tell her this non negotiable demand.

Side note
You can use booking.com for extra discount.
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wah lau tried doing that previously.. disaster man... end up divorce kau kau... hurting..
your advise not effective la aiyoh.... doh.gif doh.gif
achong09
post Jun 23 2023, 09:37 AM

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QUOTE(neo4ride @ Jun 23 2023, 09:10 AM)
Firstly, this is common issue for many marriage couple. Based on whatever TS already share, with limited info, the quickest and effective way to solve this problem is to get a divorce. Save both of hubby and wife life. Healthy Sex is important. We are not living in this world to work our ass off and pay the bills/bank only. We need passionate, healthy and satisfying sex. If not, life in the world have no meaning lorr.

Secondly, if TS still want to save his marriage, he need to know it needs a lot of times. It might takes years to solves. lots of self reflect. lots of discussion. lots of argument. lots of trial and error. maybe lot of session to psychiatrist/marriage counselor. To share my experience, when im young, innocent and single, I used to have affair with my ex boss. She kind of same description as TS wifey. Chinese woman with good career BUT having a sexless and dull marriage. I am no playboy. Not handsome at all. Back then, I’m just a normal skinny malay guy from kampung. But yeah, it takes creativity, compatibility, communication, and many more to have a mutual attraction with each other. Once u have that click, woahhh... your didi will be extremely satisfied. Silap-silap u need tongkat ali leh. yr wife will request every night one. hahahaha
Thirdly, my overall thought about this topic.  This problem is common to marriage couple. Based on my interaction its happened to my malay, chinese, indian and all races in Malaysia. For muslim, normally, some will tahan and not doing anything. some will discuss and solved the issue. some will discuss quarrel and end up dirvorce. it might be ugly divorce or divorce in a good term. Then they go separate way, remarriage. some learn from their first marriage and lead a good happy sex life. some not learning from mistake and do the same mistake again. Point is... to get a divorced is not that hard, and the law quite fair to both male and female. The procedure is quite straight forward, not taking time and there are clear understanding of the end game result. Both party can quickly restart their life.
However.. for non muslim, based from my interaction with many of my chinese friend (male and female), to get divorce require money. depend on the situation sometime the cost can go extremely high. and the result may not fair to both party. and bear in mind our civil marriage act not yet updated to current practiced in the west. if it is updated, then male will be in much much much more worst condition. I have few female chinese friend, who not happy in their sex life or marriage life. but divorced not an option. they are the one who pay most of the bills (house, car, groceries, kids) but if they divorced the asset not necessary will be theirs. Then their family will blame them instead of their husband. for their family, their husband is good catch. To divorce, the best if both party willing to mutually separate. If not.. it’s not walk in the park.

Based on statistic, its true muslim in Malaysia have higher rates of divorced. and non muslim have low rates of divorce even if we compare to developing/develop nation.

As such, many like TS, just continue living together but they have no sex/not happy for years. When I heard this thing first time (20+ years ago), marriage couple not having sex for many years nor enjoy their sex for many years, it’s quite shocking to me. But now, TS stories it’s not the first one that I hear/read lorr. It’s kind of illogical why couple still continue with their marriage, but if we go into details, talk to them, understanding the culture, then we understand why it happened that way.

The good news though... Based on Durex research few years back, our Malaysian Chinese brother and sister have better sex life compare to Singaporean Chinese. their sex life much more worst leh. Quite number of them (especially women) never experience orgasm worr. Except those t20 one la. can piap piap regularly with christabel chua, janella oii, or malaysian influencer. lol
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True true so true....

 

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