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 Come Read My Experience (Mid 20s, Malay), REVISED APRIL 2022

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TSK0MR4DE
post Jun 7 2022, 09:00 PM

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QUOTE(Takudan @ Jun 7 2022, 08:33 PM)
Hmmmm so what happens if you bertunang ady, but finds out you don't want to be with your partner for whatever reason... What will you actually do then?

I'm just wondering because in Chinese culture, it's a big deal and it sparks a lot of discussion if an engagement is broken off. After all, we send out invitation letters to "whole kampung", so it's a "huge embarrassment and waste of money" when it doesn't work out. So for most Chinese including myself, the bf/gf stage typically lasts more than a year at least for both sides to get to know each other better, to be really sure yknow... I personally know 2 pairs of highschool sweethearts who got married after their 10 years anniversary as bf/gf lol.
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In my case, if we decided to get marry next year 2023, we would have reach the one year plus of our bf/gf relationship (pray everything goes well smoothly). Usually tunang won't sent invitation yet cause that's for nikah/wedding so risk of huge embarrassment low (except for the families lah).

Hypothetically, I won't broke off one since already invested and serious with her. But, the thing I fear the most is actually her. Scared she fall to the temptations of other men willing to take her hand in marriage quicker than me. I guess I already stalled this scenario when she introduced me to her extended family back at kampung (if she broke off, she become more embarrass lah than me). Even though the risk is minimize, it's still a valid concern for me.

Yeah in Malay culture, usually tunang/engagement called off because the presence of another 3rd party waiting to swing by. Rarely lah man called off, since we men kaw-kaw invested already xD

If say it happen (touch wood, hopefully not), then I will move on. The dowry is already there, just need to reassess and take a breather before going out to find next potential partner. Regarding the jewelry, maybe I will keep it hopefully next partner still has the same finger/wrist size.
budakbaik1310
post Jun 8 2022, 09:43 AM

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QUOTE(K0MR4DE @ Jun 7 2022, 09:00 PM)
In my case, if we decided to get marry next year 2023, we would have reach the one year plus of our bf/gf relationship (pray everything goes well smoothly). Usually tunang won't sent invitation yet cause that's for nikah/wedding so risk of huge embarrassment low (except for the families lah).

Hypothetically, I won't broke off one since already invested and serious with her. But, the thing I fear the most is actually her. Scared she fall to the temptations of other men willing to take her hand in marriage quicker than me. I guess I already stalled this scenario when she introduced me to her extended family back at kampung (if she broke off, she become more embarrass lah than me). Even though the risk is minimize, it's still a valid concern for me.

Yeah in Malay culture, usually tunang/engagement called off because the presence of another 3rd party waiting to swing by. Rarely lah man called off, since we men kaw-kaw invested already xD

If say it happen (touch wood, hopefully not), then I will move on. The dowry is already there, just need to reassess and take a breather before going out to find next potential partner. Regarding the jewelry, maybe I will keep it hopefully next partner still has the same finger/wrist size.
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Goodluck TS!
Just sharing, I met my wife and engage after 4 months. 6 months later, we get married. Now into 5 years of marriage.
So if you feel that she is the one, then go for it.
TSK0MR4DE
post Jun 8 2022, 12:04 PM

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QUOTE(budakbaik1310 @ Jun 8 2022, 09:43 AM)
Goodluck TS!
Just sharing, I met my wife and engage after 4 months. 6 months later, we get married. Now into 5 years of marriage.
So if you feel that she is the one, then go for it.
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Thanks for the pep talk! Sometimes couples say "I love you" but didn't take any concrete actions, only said words/text. Later couple for a few years then invested a lot of money/time, later got dumped because (usually, his fault lah too slow) she go for another guy willing to take her hand in marriage. Yeah, I do believe she's the one that's why I made the first move to buy cincin merisik + cincin tunang way early this year. Can't marry this year yet because both of us still have Master's to complete. If everything goes well, maybe June 2023 after I finished my 4th semester we tie the knot

I have a very important question for you actually, how much money should I save up? Is the RM25k still the gold standard for men to save up for marriage?

This post has been edited by K0MR4DE: Jun 8 2022, 12:15 PM
budakbaik1310
post Jun 8 2022, 12:14 PM

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QUOTE(K0MR4DE @ Jun 8 2022, 12:04 PM)
Thanks for the pep talk! Sometimes couples say "I love you" but didn't take any concrete actions, only said words/text. Later couple for a few years then invested a lot of money/time, later got dumped because (usually, his fault lah too slow) she go for another guy willing to take her hand in marriage. Yeah, I do believe she's the one that's why I made the first move to buy cincin merisik + cincin tunang way early this year. Can't marry this year yet because both of us still have Master's to complete.

I have a very important question for you actually, how much money should I save up? Is the RM25k still the gold standard for men to save up for marriage?
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Can't really say about that, it still depends on the girl's family and your family though.
In my case, my in-law asked for rm6k (lucky me).
For my side, rm10k for venue and catering. Additional rm10k-15k for hantaran and other stuff such as pelamin+baju sanding, invitation card, doorgift etc.
So for total I spend about rm30k.
My advise, try to reduce the cost if possible. For my case, since I'm the youngest from 2 siblings, have no choice since my parents wants to enjoy the event.
TSK0MR4DE
post Jun 28 2022, 02:57 PM

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A quick update before wrapping up June 2022, quite lengthy despite being short:

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «


Bonus: I have found his identity after searching for his name on Kuala Selangor community group on Facebook. I only have his first name, luckily on 30 results easy for me to find him. Funny thing is, he put his phone number on his FB profile banner. I could have called him and attacked him but I didn't. Rationale thinking really saved me from engaging him, if I pour more oil into the fire by contacting him, it shows how immature I am (despite me having a personal vendetta with him for what he did to me last February). Tell me what would you guys do, if you were in my situation

This post has been edited by K0MR4DE: Jun 28 2022, 03:35 PM
AshenOne
post Jun 28 2022, 09:45 PM

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QUOTE(K0MR4DE @ Jun 28 2022, 02:57 PM)
A quick update before wrapping up June 2022, quite lengthy despite being short:

Bonus: I have found his identity after searching for his name on Kuala Selangor community group on Facebook. I only have his first name, luckily on 30 results easy for me to find him. Funny thing is, he put his phone number on his FB profile banner. I could have called him and attacked him but I didn't. Rationale thinking really saved me from engaging him, if I pour more oil into the fire by contacting him, it shows how immature I am (despite me having a personal vendetta with him for what he did to me last February). Tell me what would you guys do, if you were in my situation
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Malays are known to be very united, maybe you have some really cool friends that can group up and help you teach him a lesson?
Based on what you wrote, it seems like he will remain Degil until he knows he can't simply mess around with you.

Money, or good connection. If I have any of these, I will take action, if not then I will remain inaction, unless things starting to get out of hand and really unacceptable, then you will need to put yourself out there to teach him a lesson personally by yourself. Because as long as you did nothing, he will continue his circus. Something has to happen, something needs to be done.
TSK0MR4DE
post Jun 30 2022, 03:11 PM

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QUOTE(AshenOne @ Jun 28 2022, 09:45 PM)
Malays are known to be very united, maybe you have some really cool friends that can group up and help you teach him a lesson?
Based on what you wrote, it seems like he will remain Degil until he knows he can't simply mess around with you.

Money, or good connection. If I have any of these, I will take action, if not then I will remain inaction, unless things starting to get out of hand and really unacceptable, then you will need to put yourself out there to teach him a lesson personally by yourself. Because as long as you did nothing, he will continue his circus. Something has to happen, something needs to be done.
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That's true, I could gang up on him but that would attract unwanted legal actions against me. Lagipun, if Budak C continues to bother her, I myself would make a police report against him for harassing my girl in the middle of the night due to safety concerns. He can beg all he wants but that just reeked of desperation, because it just shows how incapable he is to woo her by sobbing at her doorsteps. When Budak C goes ballistic, he has nuke any chances for him to reconnect with my girl as it just shows how immature and reckless he is. In his last futile effort to display his frustration, he regrets agreeing for my girl to pursue her Master's despite he has nothing to do with it and is angry at her for rejecting his proposal before she pursues her postgraduate studies. As I said, Budak C is delusional because he thought he has a binding contract with my girl. Walao! Not the right keyword to use against a woman that prioritizes education.

Also, he is a member of part-time uniform bodies, it would be much easier for police to track his ass down if he ever does something reckless and stupid in the future.. I have a lot of things to say about this Budak C, but most of it is just plain biased and insulting. In essence, he has embarrassed himself by making a scene in front of her house that night. I think the storm has passed, for now, I hope. My girl is worried that Budak C would do something sinister such as witching/using black magic against her. Mind you that Budak C is a kampung folk and you know how it is when the individual is vengeful and has a backward mentality.
TSK0MR4DE
post Aug 22 2022, 02:19 AM

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August 2022 @ 2 AM Update:

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

-mystery-
post Aug 22 2022, 02:40 PM

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stop wifeing up a ho, man...like seriously!

This post has been edited by -mystery-: Aug 22 2022, 02:40 PM
HokkienMee_Lover
post Aug 30 2022, 04:29 PM

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"The one that really grind my gears is when she threatened to leave this relationship when things don’t go according to her plan."

i dunno man, a person wont simply say leave relationship if they really value it, if the relationships is mentally tired maybe should just take a step back to evaluate again, just my 2 cents
John00
post Aug 31 2022, 11:18 PM

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QUOTE(HokkienMee_Lover @ Aug 30 2022, 04:29 PM)
"The one that really grind my gears is when she threatened to leave this relationship when things don’t go according to her plan."

i dunno man, a person wont simply say leave relationship if they really value it, if the relationships is mentally tired maybe should just take a step back to evaluate again, just my 2 cents
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Yea man, that's a major red flag there....
nihility
post Aug 31 2022, 11:47 PM

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The progress is very fast - too fast. In less than 1 year time frame already talking about marriage phase.
Takudan
post Sep 3 2022, 04:19 PM

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QUOTE(K0MR4DE @ Aug 22 2022, 02:19 AM)
I'm not blindly jealous, but most of them men that chatted with her has an ulterior motive. For a moment, she did try to prevent any misunderstanding by changing the profile photos and profile description in her social media with our photo together. End up, she tries to negotiate that she uses her own photo in her WhatsApp because this platform is much more formal than the others? I was baffled because it is signaling that she is still single. Low and behold, Budak C and my other competitors still chatting her to woo her.
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The way I see this? You are blindly jealous. Bold part: I disagree that preference to use solo photo is to market yourself as available. The more you push for your partner to put a photo of you, the more you show how possessive you are. You can tell her your insecurities, but I think it's something you need to work out on your own instead of pushing it to her. Or, it could be a sign that you are not feeling secured enough based on her other actions, that is leading to your possessiveness. Maybe, she isn't setting enough boundaries with the opposite sex and she doesn't realise it.
Either way, it's a learning curve for the both of you to fit in. Have a look at this forumer's case also, a husband who developed trust issues with a wife he loved for 10+ years, because she was oblivious to the pain she caused him.

QUOTE(K0MR4DE @ Aug 22 2022, 02:19 AM)
The one that really grind my gears is when she threatened to leave this relationship when things don’t go according to her plan. She already laid out her plans with me that next year she agrees to accept my engagement party and marriage proposal. I was delighted and work hard to achieve next year objectives. Heck! My finance will be ready by end of 2022. Recently, she got a job interview, and it was her dream career come true. But the interview results haven’t come back yet, and she started to spew all negative thoughts.

She stated if she didn't get her dream job, I should go find another partner because she felt like she isn't the same sekufu/level with me due to my family background and I will be disappointed? I was dumbfounded because prior before this 'dream job' interview everything was on track and there was never any issues about my family background. Of course, I tried to reason with her that dream job or no dream job I would never set that a requirement in our relationship and I would be more disappointed if she were to leave this relationship with no valid reason.
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That's a surprise, I also agree it's quite the red flag... But before we jump to conclusions (because you've shared your journey thus far, it just didn't seem like she'd be so ready to leave the relationship...):

Are you from a well-to-do family, compared to hers?
She may feel inferior if your family/relatives have compared her to your ex(es) or other relatives who are "better". Some people just lack tact in that regard... Comparing tends to create insecurity/dent self esteem, like you're never good enough in their eyes.

She may have felt compelled to get a good head start at her career, in order to look good for your family. Or, maybe she's desperate because you've both talked about some lavish lifestyle - one that she currently cannot afford and is worried about burdening you.

Of course, there's also that clichéd situation that some people are going to tell you: she's done with the relationship and is simply finding excuses to leave. You'll know better whether that's truly the case or not.

QUOTE(K0MR4DE @ Aug 22 2022, 02:19 AM)
My mental health is a bit dented. I felt like she didn't communicate the same level of commitment in this relationship and didn't care about my feelings. As if I were a second choice to her and easily replaceable. She did make amends by saying that she wouldn't leave me due to her dream job interview results, but it's harder for me to trust her words. It's like all her "I love you" and "I miss you" carries no face value. Plainly speaking, now I'm starting to feel tawar hati/no spark. When she's too emotional, she just bashes out everything! I for one still try to be a reasonable guy from saying stuff that could hurt her feelings.
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Women are emotional being. Unfortunately we're guilty of lashing out even more so at people we're dearest to. It's our journey to learn to be mindful of ourselves, something I personally learned in my late 20s-early 30s (and still learning!)

Everyone has different walks of life, we all mature at different stages of life and rely heavily on our environment - the social support we get. She needs your reminder that you're hurt, and emotions get in the way of solving problems. She may get defensive the first time you call her out, but if after cooling down, she still wants everything to go her way, then it's not a good sign for a lasting, loving relationship.

QUOTE(K0MR4DE @ Aug 22 2022, 02:19 AM)
Now there's some talk about withholding intimacy until further notice. Which I for one really against it because it the glue that holds this relationship after all the cracks and the only action, I can see/touch that carries weight currently. Let's see if this the final nail to the coffins or there's more to this story..
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I guess this quote works for you: "when the relationship is going well, sex is just 20% of the problem. When the relationship is bad, sex is 80% of the problem." Something along this line haha...

I think even if you 2 get intimate, it'd just be shoving the problems under the rug, it'd create a false sense of goodness in the relationship. It'll save it in the short term, but it'll crash so much harder if you force it. I'd say, just DIY for the time being until you both are comfortable again with each other... If you could stay single and not fuck around literally before you meet her, why can't you do the same again for a while?

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