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 Any one here Married for 10 years or more ?

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CongaComposer P
post Jun 25 2021, 01:17 PM

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QUOTE(Sasuke95 @ Jun 24 2021, 01:53 PM)
Just an example, my experience mostly don't have materialistic girls, they were more wealthy than me to begin with and don't seem to care about money. They already knew im driving local brand car previously and accepted to be with me, so there's no question here.

If I know she's materialistic, I wouldn't go for it in the first place, i know I can't sustain it. I'll strictly limit myself to be their friend, they're good friends, they buy expensive stuffs from me, probably using their wealthy bf money.

Problem is, despite not being materialistic, they have other issues. When i say i can still lose to deep pockets, not because they bribe her with expensive stuffs, but because they're wealthy enough to be no longer need to work, have too much free time to commit and impress her using sweet ways. Also, sweet ways to impress costs money too while doesn't seem to look materialistic.

You just can't compete with people like that, they will silently compare your efforts to theirs, given enough time she'll eventually leaning towards accepting that better deal and leave you. Everyone is looking for easy way out.

One of my good friends got the money too, but the downside is his business is costing him a lot of time, but he's trying his very very best to squeeze every ounce of time available for her during off days. And it is never enough. She left for someone who have too much time, holding a camera, that can be there for her all the time and taking photos for her. I once had a gf snatched by photographer too.

Girls desire change all the time, very fickle. One moment she's very into you, once that attraction quickly wears off she'll look for the next thrill, doesn't have to be deep pockets, it could be ANY thing.

EDIT : don't you try to say "then don't chase these fickle type of girls", i will never know who they truly are until they show it. During the process she'll present herself to be your ideal type, very thoughtful, very rational, seems like the girl you'll want to seal the deal with. End up just an illusion, and happened too many times.
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From all the posts that you have, can feel that you have lost faith to be in relationship and proposed single is the best way to be.
while you are keep on facing the same problem that having the girls left for something "better", although at the beginning they didn't shows any symptoms at the materialistic type - people will start to tell you stop chasing the same type of girls and you defends yourself that you will not know until they show their real face.

IDK, for me you are keep on searching in the same pool again and again because some how all these girls have some common characteristic that attract you at the beginning.

Yes I do agree some how girls change they mind all the time - BUT when about relationship, I believe most decent girls out there will not easily think of leaving unless something happened that is really broke their heart. We don't know what efforts that you have done so far, but real question is - are you doing the correct effort? is that the things that they really needs? not just because you think that is good for her? (except those who are looking for deep pocket)

Sasuke95
post Jun 25 2021, 01:48 PM

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QUOTE(CongaComposer @ Jun 25 2021, 01:17 PM)
From all the posts that you have, can feel that you have lost faith to be in relationship and proposed single is the best way to be.
while you are keep on facing the same problem that having the girls left for something "better", although at the beginning they didn't shows any symptoms at the materialistic type - people will start to tell you stop chasing the same type of girls and you defends yourself that you will not know until they show their real face.

IDK, for me you are keep on searching in the same pool again and again because some how all these girls have some common characteristic that attract you at the beginning.

Yes I do agree some how girls change they mind all the time - BUT when about relationship, I believe most decent girls out there will not easily think of leaving unless something happened that is really broke their heart. We don't know what efforts that you have done so far, but real question is - are you doing the correct effort? is that the things that they really needs? not just because you think that is good for her? (except those who are looking for deep pocket)
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I didn't even think of it as a pool, i talk to all girls that appeared during my journey, be it at uni or work place, the places can be totally unrelated, the ones that got together is because they feel the same and we be together, i didn't look for specifics, the only common traits they all have is they're good looking, which indirectly also means they have more option and more reason to jump ship in a heartbeat.

Of course I'll evaluate before really got together, the behaviours etc, as i said, they're perfect in behaviours, can even fool the most skeptical person in the world. Once the veil is lifted you'll discover another cold blooded person inside, that's why i stand firm i wouldn't know their true colour till they show, and when they show, it means they no longer care about their image and focusing on letting you down to get over this rship.

My outlook remained the same, albeit still have a glimmer of hope someday I find a decent mind girl, still remain somewhat open minded to the possibilities, but wouldn't count on it to land myself a jackpot.

EDIT : I think I want to reword what i mentioned above, i believe everyone has their true colors, including me. Say i landed few million dollars in lottery, i will no longer be nice to my nasty colleagues because I'm about to quit, there's no more incentive for me to act nice, act normal, and act professional in order to keep my job anymore. Back to topic, when girls show true colours, it just means they no longer find you useful or desirable, maybe you lack money compared to her pursuers, maybe you're not as handsome, maybe you're too skinny, it could be anything. The difference that set decent minded girls and irrational girls apart is the ability to work things out instead of going the easy way out to find a better man. You'll always find a better man, the cycle won't end, there is simply no Best Man in this world.

This post has been edited by Sasuke95: Jun 25 2021, 02:00 PM
Sensualpassion
post Jun 25 2021, 05:41 PM

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QUOTE(IpohGuyz @ Jun 25 2021, 12:52 PM)
Will you curi makan if there's opportunity?
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Had many opportunities but haven't curi makan n highly doubt i will.
nihility
post Sep 3 2021, 12:45 PM

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QUOTE(vans1088 @ Jun 23 2021, 02:02 PM)
well i won't go as far as to say no spark but it is fizzing out so trying to save it before it gets worse. On the other hand, I also feel people hardly ever have honest conversations about such issues. I get it that its private and personal but with platforms such as this, i guess the anonymity should give us some freedom to air our thoughts.
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I presume you are married for 10 years. The question was very generic and can be answered from alot of the angles. Assuming this issue only purely from the bed issue ( the emotional & daily compatibility still in places ).

1) I think as we get older, our sexual drive will slow down also due to hormone production no longer much as when we are at teenager or early 20s. The hormone level definitely affect our sexual drive & the body metabolism. Take supplement ( GNC's horny goat weed, Maca root or Himalaya Speman or Tongkat Ali ) , the supplements help but don't over use it. Over using supplement is not good either, consume moderately enough.

2) If the physicals apperance no longer as attractive, this one both of you need to motivate each another to shape up. Keep the body to around 26-27% fat over the total body weight is enough to get a good frame look physically. This one need to time & commitment from both side.

3) If not due to 1) or 2) but your partner just don't like it anymore, this one most likely due to psychology barrier built up in the mind due to unwanted pregnancy. Talk to your spouse on this. If really due to this, if you think you have sufficient children in the family, maybe go for vasectomy.

I faced issue on 3). Talked over with my wife. We don't want anymore children at our current age & I decided to go for the vasectomy. The bed life after the vasectomy, it is totally at different level. Having sex with condom or using pull out is not satisfying. Condom don't give the feel that you can get without using one. If using pull out, you feel not satisfied & best part of the session wasted, always neeed to jaga-jaga at the final moment. Everytime worry got any any accidently leaked semen while having sex which can cause unwanted pregnancy. Taking morning after pills may not be good for the wife, taking birth control pill also may not be good.

I shared with my wife, if we continue the unsastifying sex life for the remaining balance of our life like that, life is so meaningless. Everyday need to worry, why not remove all the worry. How many years more can we have the active sex life from our current age ? 1 month rest 7 days, out of the balance 21 days, 14 days not safe, only 7 days at the end of period slightly safer . Out of the balance 7 days, maybe due to work , balance with few days left a month. Few days a month x balance of years, not many quality sessions left. I told her I don't want like this scenario. Hence a year ago, I went for vasectomy at KPJ. It cost me around 4k.

The sex life after the vasectomy really really is different . You feel different yourself & you feel your wife also become different ( can squirt easily thereafter, probably the psychology fear was totaly removed)

Also with the current age of the online shopping, I think it is ok for the husband to subcribe to women lingerie brands. Browse through the online catalogs, purchase the lingeries (whichever models that meet your taste), get your wife to put on. Don't let your children see the lingeries or else they will come out with alot of questions to both of you. Just with the lingeries, you can play alot of things to spice out the thing.

mIssfROGY
post Sep 6 2021, 02:46 AM

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This post has been edited by mIssfROGY: Sep 6 2021, 06:07 PM
Maria Takagi
post Sep 6 2021, 11:48 PM

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Well that was why I married later in age.

once you enjoyed all u can when u were single, u wouldn't want sex any other than your wife.

I've seen it all.
McFD2R
post Sep 21 2021, 03:55 PM

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Known my wife for over 30 years now. Married the last 13 years, and here is my take.

Family planning
Before being married, we agreed not to have kids. The world is over populated as it is, and we don't want to raise a child in Malaysia. However, few years down the road, I thought we ought to try. That made our relationship worse because she felt burdened. Eventually we stop trying and can't be any happier now seeing the world we live in. We are still glad we don't have any and we are just too happy to have a god daughter that we can go to when we can, yet without the obligations and responsibility that comes with children.

Spark
Don't kid yourself. Sometimes, lighting a match with kerosene also won't burn. We love each other, and we truly enjoy each other's company. Sometimes, being there for each other, is more than mere words. Actions truly speaks louder here. Do things together, even if sometimes it is not your cup of tea. Your effort is what she appreciates. Don't do it half heartedly, because it shows. As many attest to, finding time for intimacy is necessary, especially for those with children. Tired as an excuse is overly used. Everyone gets older. And our body would not be as it used to be. But don't let that be an excuse to let ourselves be obese and unhealthy. Being fit, healthy and hygienic, is attractive to many. Groom yourself well when you go out, be it for grocery runs, for date night, for meals, for meeting your in-laws. If you don't make the effort to make yourself look good, why would your spouse do the same. Don't give me that BS, "She loves me for who I am". The truth is, she loved you for who you were. Which was this person trying to impress one another during courting stage. Now after being married, some felt there is no need for that anymore.

Falling Out Of Love
As someone said, don't cross the fence. People get infatuated for others easily. Because they continue to meet new people throughout their life, it's all too easy to get attracted to someone new. Fresh meat so to speak. Know this, as long as you are looking, there will ALWAYS be someone better than your existing spouse. If you marry another and still look, you will eventually find some to be attracted to all over again. The trick is to stop looking.

Career
When we got married, both of us was working. But her work got more and more stressful, hopped companies and eventually she stopped working. Mind you, she earned more than me then. So now, the burden falls on me to ensure we live proper, and plan for our retirement. The plus point is she is thrifty. Doesn't eat much and do not need high end stuff. But it was hard for me back then. Here we were, getting married and with both combined incomes, we were going to live comfortably, even if not rich, and yet ensure we have good portfolios for our old age. The dream exploded in my face when she stopped working. Plan your finances. Don't assume. Best would be what is hers is hers, what is yours is yours. Works well for me so far, even though I cover all expenses now.

This post has been edited by McFD2R: Sep 21 2021, 03:57 PM
TSvans1088
post Sep 21 2021, 04:47 PM

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QUOTE(McFD2R @ Sep 21 2021, 03:55 PM)
Known my wife for over 30 years now. Married the last 13 years, and here is my take.

Family planning
Before being married, we agreed not to have kids. The world is over populated as it is, and we don't want to raise a child in Malaysia. However, few years down the road, I thought we ought to try. That made our relationship worse because she felt burdened. Eventually we stop trying and can't be any happier now seeing the world we live in. We are still glad we don't have any and we are just too happy to have a god daughter that we can go to when we can, yet without the obligations and responsibility that comes with children.

Spark
Don't kid yourself. Sometimes, lighting a match with kerosene also won't burn. We love each other, and we truly enjoy each other's company. Sometimes, being there for each other, is more than mere words. Actions truly speaks louder here. Do things together, even if sometimes it is not your cup of tea. Your effort is what she appreciates. Don't do it half heartedly, because it shows. As many attest to, finding time for intimacy is necessary, especially for those with children. Tired as an excuse is overly used. Everyone gets older. And our body would not be as it used to be. But don't let that be an excuse to let ourselves be obese and unhealthy. Being fit, healthy and hygienic, is attractive to many. Groom yourself well when you go out, be it for grocery runs, for date night, for meals, for meeting your in-laws. If you don't make the effort to make yourself look good, why would your spouse do the same. Don't give me that BS, "She loves me for who I am". The truth is, she loved you for who you were. Which was this person trying to impress one another during courting stage. Now after being married, some felt there is no need for that anymore.

Falling Out Of Love
As someone said, don't cross the fence. People get infatuated for others easily. Because they continue to meet new people throughout their life, it's all too easy to get attracted to someone new. Fresh meat so to speak. Know this, as long as you are looking, there will ALWAYS be someone better than your existing spouse. If you marry another and still look, you will eventually find some to be attracted to all over again. The trick is to stop looking.

Career
When we got married, both of us was working. But her work got more and more stressful, hopped companies and eventually she stopped working. Mind you, she earned more than me then. So now, the burden falls on me to ensure we live proper, and plan for our retirement. The plus point is she is thrifty. Doesn't eat much and do not need high end stuff. But it was hard for me back then. Here we were, getting married and with both combined incomes, we were going to live comfortably, even if not rich, and yet ensure we have good portfolios for our old age. The dream exploded in my face when she stopped working. Plan your finances. Don't assume. Best would be what is hers is hers, what is yours is yours. Works well for me so far, even though I cover all expenses now.
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This is sound advise. Thank you
jason_168
post Oct 8 2021, 10:50 AM

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QUOTE(vans1088 @ Jun 16 2021, 03:35 PM)
How do you sustain that fire in bed and keep it fresh ?

I find it hard to connect with stuff shown in the media about people still crazily attracted to each other after many years. I mean, is it not human nature to always want something more, something exciting ?

Anyone indulge in 3-somes (obviously with your partner agreeing) ? Did it work for you ?

Come share.

PS please avoid the marriage is more than sex lecture. That's not the point of the discussion. Humans are complex creatures and we need to be fulfilled in multiple levels. I just want to know if any is/had experience the same questions and what they did about it.
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I would have the same dilemma as you.., have been happily married > 10 years.

Just focusing on the bedroom activities ; to start off my wifey is not the most passionate/adventurous person under the sheets and after having kids into our life , the bedroom intimacies are few and far between.


Justsharing2020 P
post Oct 11 2021, 02:22 PM

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I'm creating new account just to reply on this post and sharing my relationship for reference.

Known my wife for over 40 years now. Married more than 20 years now (didn't actually count the actual number).

Family planning
Before being married, we agreed have kids once married. End up have 2 kids.

Initial stage
We love each other, and still do although our life now revolve around our kids. During courtship, my partner are more willing to explore on our sex life (mild/moderate way) but once our career pick up. We only explore when we are on holiday (outside Malaysia).

Career
Both of us were working. However, her work are more stressful than my and it impacted our sex life. Furthermore, my job require me to travel oversea at least once a month. Similarly, as I'm travelling more often to multiple country. The temptation is getting stronger and stronger as it seems to be easy to get paid sex or even ONS.

Falling Out Of Sex
Started when we start have kid. 1st Child still ok, but subsequent child were born and the number dropped tremendously. Worst of all, most of the time (if not all) , I'm the one that initiate it and the chance of rejection are basically 70-30 regardless how's her mood.

The fight
when the topic bring out. I'm always at the losing end because the way she explain herself and the reasoning was and still valid till now (same answer for every wife/mother). Tired, no mood, period coming/just complete, stress on work and the most valid of all, she still have to look after the kids AFTER she come back to work. She felt like having 3 kids instead of 2 because kids only want what they want (valid pont sweat.gif ).

The temptation
Therefore, after a few years of complaining and the situation is the same. I do consider of outsourcing my need for past few years ago. By giving myself the excuse like (just do it outside of Malaysia). The idea always on my mind when I'm travelling oversea and I start to join my associate oversea to those seedy bar. The temptation is getting much worse each time I visited those place.

Why I didn't do it yet
However, I could say that till now I'm still loyal to my wife (BUT, to her and most of the ladies out there. This already consider cheating).
The main reason I still manage to control myself was mainly of 2 reason.
1. After I came back from oversea trip. I could say that same night I would have intimate time with my wife (never fail).
2. The girl / ladies that offered me are not that pretty compare with my wife.
3. Career and family are stable
4. COVID

COVID
The current Covid situation also helped mending our sex life. As we mainly WFH and didn't travel at least another year. Initial stage, our argument were getting worst. Other partner manage to have babies due to COVID as the routine sex are much higher compare to before COVID hit. While, our situation is still the same. The number didn't go up even though we are WFM as she been stress out due to covid everyday (our kids safety ).

I was so piss off of the situation that I decided to ignore everything and focus on my work. Honestly, everyone are stressing of losing job during the first MCO (now still). And unable to release stress (thru sex) didn't help at all. We had a big fight (nothing physically) but divorce was put on the plate. What's the point of marriage when we can't get the only legal thing can be done by a couple thru marriage.


The agreement
The fight did woke her up on the reality but like I said above. Her reason on NOT interest of sexual intimacy's are valid. Of course, at the end of the day, women always right and I apologize for my "excessive demand". We agreed that at least we will spend time doing what we need to do as a couple during the weekend.


How did it work out
Almost a year now from our last fight/agreement. The agreement did work out Perfect for her and "passable" for me. At least I get something out of it while she are happy that I don't bug her during the weekday. Better then none, I guess.

Honestly, It is really OK?
To me, NO.
Is she wrong? Nope, her reason are totally valid too.
Will I cheat in future? Maybe. I don't really know. Too many "what if" question pop up.
So? I had learn to accept that the situation won't change. Only by compromise and change our own mindset will help. Its a fact that (majority) ladies don't crave for sex, only men does. When ladies maternal instinct kick in, all the focus goes to the children and their priority changed. Its actually easy and cheaper to find sex then finding a compatible partner that can stay together so many years.



Justsharing2020 P
post Oct 11 2021, 03:44 PM

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Sorry. 1st sentence already typo.

We known to each other for more than 20 years and marriage > 10 years.
happy_berry
post Oct 11 2021, 08:52 PM

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QUOTE(Sasuke95 @ Jun 25 2021, 01:48 PM)
I didn't even think of it as a pool, i talk to all girls that appeared during my journey, be it at uni or work place, the places can be totally unrelated, the ones that got together is because they feel the same and we be together, i didn't look for specifics, the only common traits they all have is they're good looking, which indirectly also means they have more option and more reason to jump ship in a heartbeat.

Of course I'll evaluate before really got together, the behaviours etc, as i said, they're perfect in behaviours, can even fool the most skeptical person in the world. Once the veil is lifted you'll discover another cold blooded person inside, that's why i stand firm i wouldn't know their true colour till they show, and when they show, it means they no longer care about their image and focusing on letting you down to get over this rship.

My outlook remained the same, albeit still have a glimmer of hope someday I find a decent mind girl, still remain somewhat open minded to the possibilities, but wouldn't count on it to land myself a jackpot.

EDIT : I think I want to reword what i mentioned above, i believe everyone has their true colors, including me. Say i landed few million dollars in lottery, i will no longer be nice to my nasty colleagues because I'm about to quit, there's no more incentive for me to act nice, act normal, and act professional in order to keep my job anymore. Back to topic, when girls show true colours, it just means they no longer find you useful or desirable, maybe you lack money compared to her pursuers, maybe you're not as handsome, maybe you're too skinny, it could be anything. The difference that set decent minded girls and irrational girls apart is the ability to work things out instead of going the easy way out to find a better man. You'll always find a better man, the cycle won't end, there is simply no Best Man in this world.
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just because you ate a few sour grapes, doesn't mean you need to be an incel and have this victim mentality and defensiveness - it's not doing you any favour. Instead of blaming girls, I think you should start looking inwards and work on your mindset.
Life_House
post Oct 11 2021, 11:26 PM

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QUOTE(Justsharing2020 @ Oct 11 2021, 02:22 PM)
» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «
There is a famous quote saying, " Why 2 great persons unable to make a great marriage (yet) "

Just sharing from personal family history.

1 . First of all, the the physical & emotional structure and how it work between men and women are quite different. Thus complement each other. But also means both sides need to learn some homework about both genders.

2 . However if we look deeper, women carry a very heavy phyical burden compared to men --- that's the monthly biological cycles. Imagine it's like surgery operation repeated every mth. Imagine sometimes felt like being half paralyzed. The mess. The big stress. This directly or indirectly give a great impact on women's emotional status.

3 .If the wife have children for the husband, it's on the expense of the women's health, because each time the wife gives birth a child, the process takes away a whole lot of stamina which usually has long term impact on the wife physical and emotional status.
Unless proper nutrition adjustment, healing done. Meditation and plant based diet helps a lot to bring back physical and emotional alignment .

4 .The family responsibilities part on the wife, given that wife also need to worry about stuff at work, in addition to worry about stuff in family. Of course a main big cause... Unless someone she can trust share her physical and emotional burden.

5 .Have you ever thought about the long term impact of fight between a married couple to the children ? The children share the same ancestry bond with parents. And if they are of sensitive and sharp feeling types, they CAN feel the inharmonious state of the home.
It could probably be a trauma for the the rest of the children's life. And yes, sometimes they act like nothing, but deep inside they're hurt , lifetime.
It could go as far as to impacting how the children deal with relationship or marriage.

.
Thus .... Some suggestions...

6 .Learn some ways to harmonize and stir your wife's emotions. So that your wife fall in deep love with you again.
...What about some little efforts in helping to reduce her house work burden ?
...What about helping her to teach the children in school home work ?
... What about having fun time together with the kids and wife ?
... What about cooking or help preparing meals after work ?
... What about doing some hobbies that you and your wife can enjoy together ?

... What about poking your wife with some humour only your wife could get you?

..... The list goes on. ..
.

7 .When your wife could smile or even laugh hard from the bottom of her heart... her appreciation snd trust for you get deeper. Sure she will be more willing to enjoy intimate times with you.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck for your marriage.




nihility
post Oct 12 2021, 08:35 AM

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QUOTE(Justsharing2020 @ Oct 11 2021, 03:44 PM)
Sorry. 1st sentence already typo.

We known to each other for more than 20 years and marriage > 10 years.
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1)Knowing each other 20 years, did you marry your secondary school sweet heart?

2)If married > 10 years, you should be around late 30s or early 40s ?

3)Your wife's occupation, what does she work as when you mentioned the amount of stress related to work she need to face? Finance / account related ?

4)Your children, how old are they ?

5)You mentioned the rejection rate before was 70:30 = Every 3 attempts, 2 rejections, 1 successful ? . After the fight, currently every week 2 days / 7 days . Ada different meh ? Macam sama saja kawan.

6) Noticeable major event = after birth of your 2nd child, you stated the number drop drastically.

My observation from the information made available:-

The item (6), with the new children in the family, your wife may feel that with 2 kids, she got insufficient time for them / cannot cope with the kids attention. When she can't cope, she will automatic don't think of getting another kid ~ which will lead to avoidance of sex. Are you certain your wife still intend to get 3rd kid ? This one is going to be related back to your age & your wife age at per item (2). I'm not sure about the other but on my end, we don't intend to get anymore children after 36 y.o. Reason being, to raise a children from baby stage until they graduated from college/university needs approximately 24 years. 36 y.o + 24 years = 60 years, that is ngam ngam our retirement age.

Don't go to threaten your wife with the divorce, so far, the hard approach doesn't seem to work on the female from my observation. It will make the matter worse & it will create a knot in her heart. What are her reasoning ? Have you ever try to clear all the obstacles from her reasoning ? Are the obstacles within your ability to clear it ? If I were in your position, I'll clear every single obstacles she ever brought up, one by one. So far on my case, after the obstacles are cleared, I don't face any issue. There will always be a way to make it work, maybe you haven't discover it yet.

If your children are < 7 years old, I would agree that a lot of attention need to be given & the kids are sticky. During that stage, by just giving the kids attention will take away majority of the time. When your eldest children reach >10 y.o, they are almost at the period to break away from being sticky to their parent & start to demand "me time" for themselves, you should have more time to do couple thing again with the wife. Try to train your children to be more independent & participate in the house chores - cleaning clothes ( nowadays so easy, put into washing machine, put cleaning liquid, press start, wait & take for drying outside) or vacuuming the house, it will helps to "free" up your wife burden & at the same time can train them to be more responsible.

I witness 3 divorce cases within my extended family. One of the divorce case was related to the sex. Husband want, wife don't want. End up the husband went outside to look for the outsource, got discovered & ended up in divorce . The victims are their children (they will have very low self-esteem , most likely will fall into depression, have tendency to be involved with alcohol abuse & illegal activities).Thing that happened around us have their intended purposes. We can only learn from other people mistakes in the hope that we don't walk the same path.

Sometime, if there are cases of other ppl husband curi makan outside & got discovered among your wife's colleague or peer, it may not necessary be bad thing. It may create alert to your wife (the wife will come back an complaint that all the men are same, 10 out of 10 will stray if not monitored - very standard quote ) & at the same time the wife will appreciate more on what she have at the moment compare to the other unfortunate cases. Got 1 time, my wife came back from her office, she told me her colleague broke down in tear one afternoon during lunch break when they discussed about signs of husband curi makan outside. One of the female colleague became unusual silent. Suddenly, she cried out uncontrollably because whatever being discussed hit the bull eyes unintentionally. The colleague vented out that the husband have been showing all the signs they were discussing. The husband have been buying lingerie online & the postage address was not their home. After my wife finished sharing the story to me, I teased my wife back "Complaint about me buying the lingerie for you some more la, other people husband bought the lingerie for the other women and not for their wife". My wife went silent & unable to counter back.

This post has been edited by nihility: Oct 12 2021, 08:36 AM
Justsharing2020 P
post Oct 12 2021, 09:30 AM

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6 .Learn some ways to harmonize and stir your wife's emotions. So that your wife fall in deep love with you again.
...What about some little efforts in helping to reduce her house work burden ? - Yeah, we share our house work burden, include the kid
...What about helping her to teach the children in school home work ? - small portion of it. Other part not my expertise (mandarin and art)
... What about having fun time together with the kids and wife ? - Every weekend when is possible
... What about cooking or help preparing meals after work ? - Kitchen are only for the QUEEN. Weekend usually eat-out (now Grab or FPanda).
... What about doing some hobbies that you and your wife can enjoy together ? - Holiday. whistling.gif

... What about poking your wife with some humour only your wife could get you? - We do that sometimes. secret code etc Our kid knew and try to break the code.

..... The list goes on. ..
.

7 .When your wife could smile or even laugh hard from the bottom of her heart... her appreciation snd trust for you get deeper. Sure she will be more willing to enjoy intimate times with you. - Intimate yes as long as it not end up SEX. Which is not easy for guy.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck for your marriage. - Thanks.


Syuz
post Oct 12 2021, 09:53 AM

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From: Selangor
The posts from married men who work on their marriage are the real input here. Everyone should take note.
Justsharing2020 P
post Oct 12 2021, 10:00 AM

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1)Knowing each other 20 years, did you marry your secondary school sweet heart? Yeah.

2)If married > 10 years, you should be around late 30s or early 40s ? Correct.

3)Your wife's occupation, what does she work as when you mentioned the amount of stress related to work she need to face? Finance / account related ? P+C

4)Your children, how old are they ? quite obvious based on info shared above.

5)You mentioned the rejection rate before was 70:30 = Every 3 attempts, 2 rejections, 1 successful ? . After the fight, currently every week 2 days / 7 days . Ada different meh ? Macam sama saja kawan.

After couple of rejection, she felt oblige to do it based on responsibility. At least she enjoy it when we do it. Initially I thought it is weird that ladies don't have the need. But after I check with my married close associate... it seems is true that girl brain can totally switch off (sex) if they want to (stress are the main culprit). I'm actually surprise that now there's still have ladies that age nearing 40 and still virgin (beyond average looking girl - not FAT Hippo girl).

Twice / week consider normal for married couple and its a guarantee success rate. There's husband that only get it few month once. It means a lot emotionally, getting reject by partner actually create a lot of tension emotionally.

Imagine if the wife have the need and the husband reject. All HELL break lose. There's couple for time when I had the urge and DIY myself. Suddenly , she asked for it (out of the blue) and I can't perform as I'm at withdrawal time after DIY. Honestly, I tell you... that was one of the worst MONTH. All sort of accusation throw out (not on serious note).....




6) Noticeable major event = after birth of your 2nd child, you stated the number drop drastically.
Quite common. Actually, during pregnancy, i got it more than normal as her hormon kick in and she initiate more.

My observation from the information made available:-

The item (6), with the new children in the family, your wife may feel that with 2 kids, she got insufficient time for them / cannot cope with the kids attention. When she can't cope, she will automatic don't think of getting another kid ~ which will lead to avoidance of sex. Are you certain your wife still intend to get 3rd kid ? This one is going to be related back to your age & your wife age at per item (2). I'm not sure about the other but on my end, we don't intend to get anymore children after 36 y.o. Reason being, to raise a children from baby stage until they graduated from college/university needs approximately 24 years. 36 y.o + 24 years = 60 years, that is ngam ngam our retirement age.

Its common scenario for all family member. I can talk more detail on this from married man perspective too. But, its pointless.

Don't go to threaten your wife with the divorce, so far, the hard approach doesn't seem to work on the female from my observation. It will make the matter worse & it will create a knot in her heart. What are her reasoning ? Have you ever try to clear all the obstacles from her reasoning ? Are the obstacles within your ability to clear it ? If I were in your position, I'll clear every single obstacles she ever brought up, one by one. So far on my case, after the obstacles are cleared, I don't face any issue. There will always be a way to make it work, maybe you haven't discover it yet.

Divorce is just bring out when we had a big fight and I'm expressing my view. Example :- I paid house , car and household stuff monthly. Holiday arrange and most of it use my Card. But I'm not getting what a husband entitle with and I can't legally source it outside. (Just saying...)

Done that. That's why I said earlier, her reasoning is totally valid. There's more detail on this but I don't think this is a correct platform to discuss.


If your children are < 7 years old, I would agree that a lot of attention need to be given & the kids are sticky. During that stage, by just giving the kids attention will take away majority of the time. When your eldest children reach >10 y.o, they are almost at the period to break away from being sticky to their parent & start to demand "me time" for themselves, you should have more time to do couple thing again with the wife. Try to train your children to be more independent & participate in the house chores - cleaning clothes ( nowadays so easy, put into washing machine, put cleaning liquid, press start, wait & take for drying outside) or vacuuming the house, it will helps to "free" up your wife burden & at the same time can train them to be more responsible.

We shared house work. I could say, MAX we can help up is 30%, rest still the QUEEN decide.

I witness 3 divorce cases within my extended family. One of the divorce case was related to the sex. Husband want, wife don't want. End up the husband went outside to look for the outsource, got discovered & ended up in divorce . The victims are their children (they will have very low self-esteem , most likely will fall into depression, have tendency to be involved with alcohol abuse & illegal activities).Thing that happened around us have their intended purposes. We can only learn from other people mistakes in the hope that we don't walk the same path.

[U]Well, nowadays divorce is only on the plate if either party found a new partner and plan to remarry. Otherwise, Divorce is expensive for both party. [/U]

Sometime, if there are cases of other ppl husband curi makan outside & got discovered among your wife's colleague or peer, it may not necessary be bad thing. It may create alert to your wife (the wife will come back an complaint that all the men are same, 10 out of 10 will stray if not monitored - very standard quote ) & at the same time the wife will appreciate more on what she have at the moment compare to the other unfortunate cases. Got 1 time, my wife came back from her office, she told me her colleague broke down in tear one afternoon during lunch break when they discussed about signs of husband curi makan outside. One of the female colleague became unusual silent. Suddenly, she cried out uncontrollably because whatever being discussed hit the bull eyes unintentionally. The colleague vented out that the husband have been showing all the signs they were discussing. The husband have been buying lingerie online & the postage address was not their home. After my wife finished sharing the story to me, I teased my wife back "Complaint about me buying the lingerie for you some more la, other people husband bought the lingerie for the other women and not for their wife". My wife went silent & unable to counter back.
*

[/quote]

silverhawk
post Oct 12 2021, 10:51 AM

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Joined: Jan 2003


QUOTE(Justsharing2020 @ Oct 12 2021, 10:00 AM)
Divorce is just bring out when we had a big fight and I'm expressing my view. Example :- I paid house , car and household stuff monthly. Holiday arrange and most of it use my Card. But I'm not getting what a husband entitle with and I can't legally source it outside. (Just saying...)

Done that. That's why I said earlier, her reasoning is totally valid. There's more detail on this but I don't think this is a correct platform to discuss.

Its very normal for us to think doing A leads to B or entitles us to it. You cannot bring this sort of thinking into a relationship. Just because you paid for things, you are entitled to sex? Think of how someone will feel if you bring it up like that. We are not entitled to anything in our relationships.

You need to communicate better, if you've explained to her only based on how you feel and why its important to you and she still can't understand or make concessions then perhaps need to see a marriage counsellor for mediation. Sex is important for intimacy and bonding, having kids really makes things difficult but still need to somehow make time for it.
TSvans1088
post Oct 12 2021, 12:49 PM

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Joined: Oct 2010


I'm glad to see the response to this thread especially the people who are willing to put in the work despite being tempted by the ease of getting your fix outside your marriage. You guys are a true inspiration.
nihility
post Oct 12 2021, 02:57 PM

Regular
******
Senior Member
1,252 posts

Joined: Sep 2021


[quote=Justsharing2020,Oct 12 2021, 10:00 AM]
1)Knowing each other 20 years, did you marry your secondary school sweet heart? Yeah.

2)If married > 10 years, you should be around late 30s or early 40s ? Correct.

3)Your wife's occupation, what does she work as when you mentioned the amount of stress related to work she need to face? Finance / account related ? P+C

4)Your children, how old are they ? quite obvious based on info shared above.

5)You mentioned the rejection rate before was 70:30 = Every 3 attempts, 2 rejections, 1 successful ? . After the fight, currently every week 2 days / 7 days . Ada different meh ? Macam sama saja kawan.

After couple of rejection, she felt oblige to do it based on responsibility. At least she enjoy it when we do it. Initially I thought it is weird that ladies don't have the need. But after I check with my married close associate... it seems is true that girl brain can totally switch off (sex) if they want to (stress are the main culprit). I'm actually surprise that now there's still have ladies that age nearing 40 and still virgin (beyond average looking girl - not FAT Hippo girl).

Twice / week consider normal for married couple and its a guarantee success rate. There's husband that only get it few month once. It means a lot emotionally, getting reject by partner actually create a lot of tension emotionally.

Imagine if the wife have the need and the husband reject. All HELL break lose. There's couple for time when I had the urge and DIY myself. Suddenly , she asked for it (out of the blue) and I can't perform as I'm at withdrawal time after DIY. Honestly, I tell you... that was one of the worst MONTH. All sort of accusation throw out (not on serious note).....

6) Noticeable major event = after birth of your 2nd child, you stated the number drop drastically.
Quite common. Actually, during pregnancy, i got it more than normal as her hormon kick in and she initiate more.

My observation from the information made available:-

The item (6), with the new children in the family, your wife may feel that with 2 kids, she got insufficient time for them / cannot cope with the kids attention. When she can't cope, she will automatic don't think of getting another kid ~ which will lead to avoidance of sex. Are you certain your wife still intend to get 3rd kid ? This one is going to be related back to your age & your wife age at per item (2). I'm not sure about the other but on my end, we don't intend to get anymore children after 36 y.o. Reason being, to raise a children from baby stage until they graduated from college/university needs approximately 24 years. 36 y.o + 24 years = 60 years, that is ngam ngam our retirement age.

Its common scenario for all family member. I can talk more detail on this from married man perspective too. But, its pointless.

Don't go to threaten your wife with the divorce, so far, the hard approach doesn't seem to work on the female from my observation. It will make the matter worse & it will create a knot in her heart. What are her reasoning ? Have you ever try to clear all the obstacles from her reasoning ? Are the obstacles within your ability to clear it ? If I were in your position, I'll clear every single obstacles she ever brought up, one by one. So far on my case, after the obstacles are cleared, I don't face any issue. There will always be a way to make it work, maybe you haven't discover it yet.

Divorce is just bring out when we had a big fight and I'm expressing my view. Example :- I paid house , car and household stuff monthly. Holiday arrange and most of it use my Card. But I'm not getting what a husband entitle with and I can't legally source it outside. (Just saying...)

Done that. That's why I said earlier, her reasoning is totally valid. There's more detail on this but I don't think this is a correct platform to discuss.


If your children are < 7 years old, I would agree that a lot of attention need to be given & the kids are sticky. During that stage, by just giving the kids attention will take away majority of the time. When your eldest children reach >10 y.o, they are almost at the period to break away from being sticky to their parent & start to demand "me time" for themselves, you should have more time to do couple thing again with the wife. Try to train your children to be more independent & participate in the house chores - cleaning clothes ( nowadays so easy, put into washing machine, put cleaning liquid, press start, wait & take for drying outside) or vacuuming the house, it will helps to "free" up your wife burden & at the same time can train them to be more responsible.

We shared house work. I could say, MAX we can help up is 30%, rest still the QUEEN decide.

I witness 3 divorce cases within my extended family. One of the divorce case was related to the sex. Husband want, wife don't want. End up the husband went outside to look for the outsource, got discovered & ended up in divorce . The victims are their children (they will have very low self-esteem , most likely will fall into depression, have tendency to be involved with alcohol abuse & illegal activities).Thing that happened around us have their intended purposes. We can only learn from other people mistakes in the hope that we don't walk the same path.

[U]Well, nowadays divorce is only on the plate if either party found a new partner and plan to remarry. Otherwise, Divorce is expensive for both party. [/U]

Sometime, if there are cases of other ppl husband curi makan outside & got discovered among your wife's colleague or peer, it may not necessary be bad thing. It may create alert to your wife (the wife will come back an complaint that all the men are same, 10 out of 10 will stray if not monitored - very standard quote ) & at the same time the wife will appreciate more on what she have at the moment compare to the other unfortunate cases. Got 1 time, my wife came back from her office, she told me her colleague broke down in tear one afternoon during lunch break when they discussed about signs of husband curi makan outside. One of the female colleague became unusual silent. Suddenly, she cried out uncontrollably because whatever being discussed hit the bull eyes unintentionally. The colleague vented out that the husband have been showing all the signs they were discussing. The husband have been buying lingerie online & the postage address was not their home. After my wife finished sharing the story to me, I teased my wife back "Complaint about me buying the lingerie for you some more la, other people husband bought the lingerie for the other women and not for their wife". My wife went silent & unable to counter back.
*

[/quote]
*

[/quote]

Same here. I know wife for > 20 over years . Nowadays, my wife don't reject whenever I initiate, coz there is no more obstacles of her concern. 1 thing I do realized recently over the past years, my wife actually do like a shaped up figure even though she didn't openly mention it. Last time, she used to make remarks about being pressed by "fat hubby". I gained a lot of body weight during mid 30s due to lack of exercise & busy with the works. I asked her, then what will be her preference of male body ? Wah, after I said like that, she quickly took out her smart phone, searched the internet & showed me the Korean oppa photos 1 by 1, Kim Jong Kook ( don't like too bulky), Hyun Bin ,etc. After that she said something about the beach shoulders crap. I just laughed when she showed me that and I said, you wait awhile. She just smiled & thought I was joking. I bought back bar bells, dumb bells , yoga matts for home workout, signed up for gym for certain equipment usage (cannot be trained using bar bell or dumb bell ). Fast forward 6 months, there was major transformation to myself. Still far away from her oppa figure but I don't have the beer belly anymore. She has been very supportive on my plan to lose weight & shape up.

Imagine if the wife have the need and the husband reject. All HELL break lose. There's couple for time when I had the urge and DIY myself. Suddenly , she asked for it (out of the blue) and I can't perform as I'm at withdrawal time after DIY. Honestly, I tell you... that was one of the worst MONTH. All sort of accusation throw out (not on serious note).....I do encountered this kind of situation before but I just come clean with my wife. I will said "it already went inside the toilet already la, I thought you want to rest..." This part I have to agree with you. Previously, whenever I initiate, she will reject but whenever she initiate, is like we must be ever ready for it, kanasai betul...but that was the history already.

On the house work, it can be more than 30%. It is whether we willing or not. I'm not sure whether cooking help or not because there is not sufficient case for observation. On my end, I cook and I cook better than my wife. When I enter the kitchen, the kitchen become my domain, my wife will leave the rest to me.

I think you should be doing fine, only how to improve it further. The kids part, they are just too smart nowadays , no point to be secretive to them using the secret code. My wife do teach them on the sex education for them to protect themselves when they are away from home /attending school. Hence, they know what we adult are up to , won't disturb us & will give us the space we wanted in our room.


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