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Serious To divorce or not to divorce?

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TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:16 PM, updated 4y ago

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was considering divorce every week , once at least . look at my spouse face and attitude towards me , and realise i am faking myself in making everybody and my spouse that i love him . maybe for the sake of my son and future daughter , maybe because i am reluctant to go through the process or maybe too scared or lazy to move on ? i dont know .

i know i still love the person from far but not when he is in front of my eyes . there are so many things , elements and issues about him , that makes me wonder "why did i end up with this person?"

i make peace with myself for the longest time i can ever endure ; the agony , the emotional torture , the fake smile and I Love You phrase , the feeling of wanted to be love .

is it because im pregnant ; i am being overwhelmed with this pregnancy hormone ? nope . i feel this feeling in myself when i find out that he cheated on me and didnt make me feel okay about it .

i keeo thinking about how wonderful life is without him , how happy will i be , how free will i feel , and how i do not to have to think about other people feelings , but to feel me all over again ?

what stop me ?

1. my children
2. my work ; i work in an essential service that sometimes need me to outstation and work late . so having him , will ease me in fetching my son from school and taking care of him whenever im out of the state .
3. our business is on his name .
4. i have invested in the family .
5. his family is so kind to me .

what makes me think about divorce ?

1. his cheating history that can make a nice book.
2. he is not working . i dont mind since i am earning nicely for the family . but he didnt help me as much as i hope and as agreed.
3. his way of talking and starting conversation .it is rude , high pitched , and sarcastic . when he wants to talk about something , complaint (nagging) and whenever he open up his mouth , there is nothing nice to hear from his mouth ; maybe 30% in a month , he will say nice things . thats when he wants something for his pc . the reason we fought recently is because i burst out after he condemn my action of playing phone and not feeding my son ; eventhough i have explain to him that i want to play with my phone for an hour . he could do it but he choose not to because i didnt asked or told him to do so .
4. he didnt try to improve himself ; in career, life , marriage and as an individual . he likes to waste his time playing pc and mobile from the moment he wake up until he sleep . he choose what he wants to do solely on what he likes eventhough it didnt have much job opportunity . he refuse to work outside his comfort zone , eventhough he didnt have higher academic qualification and solid working experiences. i asked him to do grab , managed to get a car loan , psv and etc , but refuse to do now because of covid and it didnt give higher return that equivalent to the time he needs to spend on the day .
5. our sex life is bored . eventhough i have talked about this to him , he choose not to take this seriously and make fun of it .
6. he threatened to talk to other girls since he cant talk to me . it is not that i cant talk to him , but i cant accept the way he talked to me, as explained in point 3. he asked me to talk nicely to him ; using nice tone , nice word and nice phase . but he cant apply the same to me because he claimed he was raised that way . i found out his last seen on telegram (that i asked him to delete because of the sexual related channel he joined , that i found out during our babymoon) was within a week . and i saw Tinder apps was in installed apps in his play store ; eventhough i have delete it . (that means he recently installed it back).
7. he didnt have good relationship with my family members . i think this is because point 3 and also because he has this above-beyond-you feeling. his family is slightly richer than mine , comes from a well do family background with good education background . he always have something to say about my family behaviour , attitude , house condition and etc . i do not have a close relationship with my family due to i am the black goat in the family (due to my teenager time ; rebelious and such) , but i am always torn and have this heavy feeling of please-god-dont-create-any-drama whenever i have to bring him to my family . even my family do not like to come to our house , because they have to face him on daily basis (due to he is not working)
8. i cant talk to him whenever i have problem , issue or serious conversation , because he either will blame it on me or condemn me . he is not my person whenever i am in problem .
9. he likes to spend unnecessary and impulsive to his pc and game addiction . he will spend most of his time , browsing shopee , carousell and fb to find whats next to buy for his pc . he will sell it back when he thinks he needs money to buy other stuffs or when he in trouble (car loan and etc) . i have to save and find alternatives for the birth of my second child , while he keeps spending .
10. he is a smoker . my son has asthma . he keeps smoking in front of my son and blame the cat , dust (showing that i didnt sweep the house) , and the air cond(cause i cant sleep without air cond) . but never once about him and his smoking .


so now , here i am , with a conflicted mind , thinking about my future . i have a filed fo divorce twice and withdraw it because of his mom begged me to give his another chance and i also thouht he will change .

little that i know , it is eating me slowly inside and killing myself ; emotionally .

what should i do ? should i stay and give him chance ,again ? should i move on ?

what will you do if you are in my shoes ?
muhibah
post Feb 27 2021, 10:28 PM

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Why he lost his job in the first place? He need to get a job
TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:29 PM

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QUOTE(muhibah @ Feb 27 2021, 10:28 PM)
Why he lost his job in the first place? He need to get a job
*
simply because it is not his liking .
daydreamz
post Feb 27 2021, 10:30 PM

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divorce, that guys no hopes
ayam_kampung
post Feb 27 2021, 10:30 PM

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QUOTE(sweetdisposition @ Feb 27 2021, 10:16 PM)

1. his cheating history that can make a nice book.
2. he is not working . i dont mind since i am earning nicely for the family . but he didnt help me as much as i hope and as agreed.
3. his way of talking and starting conversation .it is rude , high pitched , and sarcastic . when he wants to talk about something , complaint (nagging) and whenever he open up his mouth , there is nothing nice to hear from his mouth ; maybe 30% in a month , he will say nice things . thats when he wants something for his pc . the reason we fought recently is because i burst out after he condemn my action of playing phone and not feeding my son ; eventhough i have explain to him that i want to play with my phone for an hour . he could do it but he choose not to because i didnt asked or told him to do so .
4. he didnt try to improve himself ; in career, life , marriage and as an individual . he likes to waste his time playing pc and mobile from the moment he wake up until he sleep . he choose what he wants to do solely on what he likes eventhough it didnt have much job opportunity . he refuse to work outside his comfort zone , eventhough he didnt have higher academic qualification and solid working experiences. i asked him to do grab , managed to get a car loan , psv and etc , but refuse to do now because of covid and it didnt give higher return that equivalent to the time he needs to spend on the day .
5. our sex life is bored . eventhough i have talked about this to him , he choose not to take this seriously and make fun of it .
6. he threatened to talk to other girls since he cant talk to me . it is not that i cant talk to him , but i cant accept the way he talked to me, as explained in point 3. he asked me to talk nicely to him ; using nice tone , nice word and nice phase . but he cant apply the same to me because he claimed he was raised that way . i found out his last seen on telegram (that i asked him to delete because of the sexual related channel he joined , that i found out during our babymoon) was within a week . and i saw Tinder apps was in installed apps in his play store ; eventhough i have delete it . (that means he recently installed it back).
7. he didnt have good relationship with my family members . i think this is because point 3 and also because he has this above-beyond-you feeling. his family is slightly richer than mine , comes from a well do family background with good education background . he always have something to say about my family behaviour , attitude , house condition and etc . i do not have a close relationship with my family due to i am the black goat in the family (due to my teenager time ; rebelious  and such) , but i am always torn and have this heavy feeling of please-god-dont-create-any-drama whenever i have to bring him to my family . even my family do not like to come to our house , because they have to face him on daily basis (due to he is not working)
8. i cant talk to him whenever i have problem , issue or serious conversation , because he either will blame it on me or condemn me . he is not my person whenever i am in problem .
9. he likes to spend unnecessary and impulsive to his pc and game addiction . he will spend most of his time , browsing shopee , carousell and fb to find whats next to buy for his pc . he will sell it back when he thinks he needs money to buy other stuffs or when he in trouble (car loan and etc) . i have to save and find alternatives for the birth of my second child , while he keeps spending .
10. he is a smoker . my son has asthma . he keeps smoking in front of my son and blame the cat , dust (showing that i didnt sweep the house) , and the air cond(cause i cant sleep without air cond) . but never once about him and his smoking .

*
these legit 100% point. if i were you, i try to bring these to marriage counselor first, if he still stubborn, time to get out as you the one who is breadwinner in house.
bobowyc
post Feb 27 2021, 10:31 PM

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With that kind of attitude towards you and for the sake of your children, get out. Your son has asthma, its the side effect of 2nd hand smoke, if im not mistaken. And you need to talk to his mom. And let them handle him. But you need to approach his family cautiously. Cause they will protect their son. If they are nice to you, then you need to inform them also. Even though it might cause more issues.. So sorry to hear of your problem. :\
Noryume
post Feb 27 2021, 10:33 PM

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You deserve better. Just leave him. 2 times filing divorce still he choose not to change. What make you think the 3rd time will? He is leeching out on you, financial and emotion.

There is so many other single mom who have better life without the husband. What is holding you back is your comfort zone. Every reason you give can be solve. He is a bad influence to your kid.

If you still choosing to be with him, the only thing I can say to you is, you deserve it as it is your choice to begin with.

This post has been edited by Noryume: Feb 27 2021, 10:35 PM
VWXYZ
post Feb 27 2021, 10:33 PM

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give him an ultimatum. be firmed
TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:36 PM

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QUOTE(daydreamz @ Feb 27 2021, 10:30 PM)
divorce, that guys no hopes
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thats what everybody said about him. even his close friends.


acbc
post Feb 27 2021, 10:37 PM

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If divorce, he will claim alimony because jobless.
TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:38 PM

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QUOTE(ayam_kampung @ Feb 27 2021, 10:30 PM)
these legit 100% point. if i were you, i try to bring these to marriage counselor first, if he still stubborn, time to get out as you the one who is breadwinner in house.
*
thank you for the suggestion. we tried once with the marriage counselor. but his answer to my frustration that i vent about him and our marriage was just catastrophic.

maybe it is okay to give it a go another time. maybe.
TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:40 PM

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QUOTE(bobowyc @ Feb 27 2021, 10:31 PM)
With that kind of attitude towards you and for the sake of your children, get out. Your son has asthma, its the side effect of 2nd hand smoke, if im not mistaken. And you need to talk to his mom. And let them handle him. But you need to approach his family cautiously. Cause they will protect their son. If they are nice to you, then you need to inform them also. Even though it might cause more issues.. So sorry to hear of your problem. :\
*
i did talked to his mom. his mom can only ask me to be patience and pray to God that he will change. and yes you are right that 2nd hand smoker effect is there for my son. even for me and my unborn child.
Rudd
post Feb 27 2021, 10:41 PM

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QUOTE(acbc @ Feb 27 2021, 10:37 PM)
If divorce, he will claim alimony because jobless.
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Husband can claim too?
TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:42 PM

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QUOTE(Noryume @ Feb 27 2021, 10:33 PM)
You deserve better. Just leave him. 2 times filing divorce still he choose not to change. What make you think the 3rd time will? He is leeching out on you, financial and emotion.

There is so many other single mom who have better life without the husband. What is holding you back is your comfort zone. Every reason you give can be solve. He is a bad influence to your kid.

If you still choosing to be with him, the only thing I can say to you is, you deserve it as it is your choice to begin with.
*
there are so many pros on getting a divorce than not to get one. and i agree ; i deserve better.
TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:43 PM

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QUOTE(VWXYZ @ Feb 27 2021, 10:33 PM)
give him an ultimatum. be firmed
*
i cant even talk to him without him being sarcastic , rude and childish. i did give him an ultimatum on his behaviour with girl , but no avail. urgh . i married the wrong guy, am i ?
TSsweetdisposition
post Feb 27 2021, 10:43 PM

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QUOTE(acbc @ Feb 27 2021, 10:37 PM)
If divorce, he will claim alimony because jobless.
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he can?
thankyou
post Feb 27 2021, 10:55 PM

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QUOTE(sweetdisposition @ Feb 27 2021, 10:43 PM)
i cant even talk to him without him being sarcastic , rude and childish. i did give him an ultimatum on his behaviour with girl , but no avail. urgh . i married the wrong guy, am i ?
*
Agree with you... a rude/sarcastic/negative conversation is really turn off... I used to be that when I was young, hot temper... talk without thinking twice...

Recent years I've learnt to think twice during conversation with the other half... try to be as positive as possible... It really help to keep relationship stay positive...

---

From the way you describe your husband... It's really hard to keep relationship going on although. Coming from a half-broken family, I discourage couple to divorce especially with children....
xswatch
post Feb 27 2021, 10:55 PM

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in ur case. I think divorce is better. some of my friend getting divorce & they get to know a better partner in the future. since u saying ur job pays well, just hire someone to fetch ur kids temporarily. all the best.

This post has been edited by xswatch: Feb 27 2021, 10:55 PM
bobowyc
post Feb 27 2021, 10:59 PM

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QUOTE(sweetdisposition @ Feb 27 2021, 10:40 PM)
i did talked to his mom. his mom can only ask me to be patience and pray to God that he will change. and yes you are right that 2nd hand smoker effect is there for my son. even for me and my unborn child.
*
Sigh. Makes it more difficult than ever now. :\ Prayer is one thing, but if the person dont work to change, prayer wont help much. Unless there is divine intervention. sweat.gif I pray you get this over with soon for yourself and your kids. :\
Jaclow
post Feb 27 2021, 11:05 PM

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100% next year u still not divorce.
You are too comfortable with your life.
U have another kid in yur tummy.
The worst is he cheated u, and u still don't mind.

I know how it feels. Hehe



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