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 Chatting with married guy, Update 2022

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silverhawk
post Jan 30 2021, 11:00 PM

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QUOTE(anilin @ Jan 20 2021, 11:45 PM)
Just usual chit chat is fine right?
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If its "just" chit chat, sure, its fine. More often than not its something else.

Do you know how to tell the difference?
silverhawk
post Jan 27 2022, 03:39 PM

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QUOTE(maxtor1 @ Jan 22 2022, 12:54 PM)
Actually that is another simple way to test, checking the guy who is at your tail.. i mean guys who truely interested to be your living partner.. as marriage husband that u may considering..

Politely request to visit his parrent from the 1st dating. undestanding their family culture. if he disagree... then u will know la.
most of the people maybe came from different places, so the family maybe at other state. you can request to watch whats content of phone in his smart phone. maybe some excuses ask him to
take your beautiful pictures and review from inside.

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If anyone is reading this... don't follow it. This is very bad advice. Starting a relationship with such paranoia will be setting yourself up for failure.

Its important to know how they are with family, but requesting it from the first date is going to turn off many people, even completely legitimate candidates. Even worse if you do stuff like snoop around their phone.
silverhawk
post Jan 27 2022, 04:53 PM

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QUOTE(maxtor1 @ Jan 27 2022, 04:01 PM)
there is nothing call faluire. everyone had their acceptance level.

and i am success, i am married for 12 years with 2 children, and still on the track..
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So just because someone got win lottery before, should advice everyone to buy lottery?

You can get lucky with bad advice, doesn't mean its going to actually be useful to most people. The fact that you can even suggest that you snoop around someone else's phone is a major red flag. Shows a completely lack of respect of the other person's privacy, all for your own security. That is selfish, and no way to start a relationship.
silverhawk
post Nov 18 2022, 01:13 AM

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QUOTE(anilin @ Nov 17 2022, 07:30 PM)
Hi,maybe my choice of word is wrong. I don't know how to put it already. Taste of the forbidden fruit is indeed delicious, which I agree. So, what kind of relationship you would name it?
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Hedonistic
silverhawk
post Nov 18 2022, 02:03 PM

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QUOTE(anilin @ Nov 18 2022, 01:55 PM)
What are the odds, "normal“ relationship outgrows?
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near zero

If the foundation of the relationship (or its goal) is pleasure seeking, the moment that goes away the relationship falls apart.

If you're in it for the short term thrill/fun, that's fine. If you are expecting to grow into something more, you're lying to yourself. You're not that stupid.
silverhawk
post Nov 18 2022, 09:31 PM

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QUOTE(-mystery- @ Nov 18 2022, 05:48 PM)
I think you havent hung out with people who have tried a progressing relationship and seen it works, thats why i dont resonate with people with esp hard headed mindset, they just see this world in a complete black and white sense. Lack of self discoveries.
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laugh.gif How naive

You only think that because you yourself are not well exposed and are only looking at things that justify your outlook. If you look for exceptions, they always exist. The chance that you are that exception though, is normally not the case.

Its a bit like MLM, can you get to that top and be one of the rich people? Yes, of course. The vast majority will fail and ruin their relationships pursuing it as a career. Would you still recommend that path to people? If you do, would you at least caution them of its pitfalls?

Likewise in this case, I didn't say it couldn't work... i said its "near zero". I even gave the reason of why it will fail, so if she wants to progress it, she and her partner will need to overcome that reason. So its not just her that needs to change the foundation they built the relationship on, the guy has to do it too. The chance for them both to want that at the same time? Astronomically low.

How many of your casual partners ever wanted to become serious and you turned them down(or vice versa) to move on to the next? That should give you an indicator of success rate, just from your own personal perpsective.
silverhawk
post Nov 19 2022, 08:54 PM

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QUOTE(-mystery- @ Nov 18 2022, 09:58 PM)
there were some girls who wanted to be serious with me 1st or 2nd time had sex
and i knew they're not my close-to-ideal type, and it should be a red flag when a female esp demands exclusivity right from the beginning
i dont know whom each person is what they true character is like, why should i buy in my commitment(s)?
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So you just proved my point that it hardly progresses to a normal relationship

silverhawk
post Nov 19 2022, 09:01 PM

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QUOTE(-mystery- @ Nov 19 2022, 08:57 PM)
nope.
what i specifically meant is there's no need to be desperate getting into a serious relationship
any gender that tries to do so, has a motive beforehand
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laugh.gif You can't possibly be that obtuse.

Nvmla, give you a moment to think a bit, if you can't see it on your own, I try to show you also no use.
silverhawk
post Nov 20 2022, 09:44 PM

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QUOTE(anilin @ Nov 20 2022, 08:20 AM)
When things got messy, one becomes stupid and tend to go into denial and lying state of mind.
Chances is NEAR zero, yes I agree.
From my experience, I realized from the beginning it would be just a game, regardless how the other person tried to convince it could progress to "real" relationship. In my case, it isn't "cyber" anymore, half way through and hiccups happened every now and then, because I'm "expecting" too much, ignoring the "terms" of the game. I'm not sure whom or what to blame, I was told I shouldn't "expect" others to make me happy, not entitled to I supposed. In this case, does it mean, I don't have to do anything particular to nurture this "partnership"? Because obviously, it's just a "game" with married man.
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How happy you are with life is entirely dependant on how you manage expectations.

Should you expect to people to make you happy? Well, yes and no. You could have that expectation on your partner, but you should use that as a benchmark/guideline for a stable relationship than something forced upon them. So while your partner should be someone that makes you happy, but you can't expect them to make you happy everytime you feel down/sad. They are not a tool to be used at your convenience.

So what did you expect playing such a game with a married man? The thrill? To make him yours? What is there to nurture in the "partnership"? Where does it lead? Do you think maybe somewhere deep down you were deluded in thinking that you're special/different. That you can win him over and make him choose you over his spouse/family?

This game you're playing is as old as marriage itself. The woman gets validation that she's desireable by a validated male. She will mistakenly think that the attraction means she's worthy. It only means she is physically attractive because all the other important attributes in a relationship is handled by the married male's spouse. Likewise for the man, he gets validation that a young female is paying him attention, increasing his own sense of worth/value. He forgets the responsiblity that comes with his commitment to his spouse.

Both sides are only focused on the attraction aspect of the relationship, forgetting/ignoring the supporting foundations of the relationship. If the woman does win him over, she has to live with the fact that he broke his commitment before. The man has to risk that the new woman may not be as supportive as his previous spouse or just have the same problems anyway. Its typically a lose-lose scenario.

Why would you want to play this game? Time is precious, especially so as a woman. Shouldn't you be using your time more wisely?
silverhawk
post Nov 21 2022, 01:13 PM

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QUOTE(Ramjade @ Nov 20 2022, 09:29 PM)
If I have loving wife at home. Yes. Why bother looking outside if you have a very good wife at home? She may not be hot or super sexy but all I ask is a loving wife. I don't need good looks or super hot body.

Even a girlfriend. Cause if your girlfriend can be loyal to you and don't go looking for other guys, why you as a guy cannot do that? What makes you so special to seke outside women?

I believe people who go out looking for other men or women are lacking something at home/in the current relationship and are trying to fill the gap by finding someone out there.
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This is somewhat idealistic. Not everyone cheats to fill a hole, some do just because they can.. an opportunity presented itself and they just took it.

You never know until you're in the situation itself. The biggest mistake you can make is thinking that you're immune to it because you have x/y reason.

The first thing to acknowledge is that you will cheat. The only question is under what circumstances. Be real with yourself and set up checkpoints with yourself to prevent yourself from falling into those circumstances. Even your strongest principles can be eroded during bad times and moments of weakness.

Everyone I know who has cheated, never believed they would have. "It just happened!" . Its just running from accountability that led them there.

QUOTE(anilin @ Nov 21 2022, 01:09 AM)
I do understand... am in the midst of handling it..it's difficult.
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What are the difficulties you are facing?
silverhawk
post Nov 21 2022, 02:25 PM

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QUOTE(anilin @ Nov 21 2022, 01:53 PM)
Difficulties in managing my emotions, confusing sentiments... It doesn't feel like a real 'break-up", maybe I was made to believe this isn't a real committed relationship, all delusional. Part of me still want to stay because afterall it's "unreal", part of the realistic me told me I must leave to protect myself.

If I were to admit, surely I miss the moments, I miss the "us", but if it has to go, I must let it go for the best.
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Losing something fun never feels good. Just know that you're doing it for someting even better.

QUOTE(-mystery- @ Nov 21 2022, 02:01 PM)
monogamy is a lie bro. How many times have to repeat that human beings are sexual it has no association with social construct aka having a legal paper, settlement
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By this logic, rape is ok.

Becareful with how you set up your rules.

Monogamy is a choice, where you make a sacrifice for something greater. It is a social construct, but a very beneficial one. Its basically one of the only reasons you have a chance at getting women to begin with. Do you honestly think you're the top 1% of men that women are gunning for? laugh.gif You're probably not even in the top 10%.




silverhawk
post Nov 22 2022, 05:33 PM

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QUOTE(-mystery- @ Nov 21 2022, 03:08 PM)
top 30% of men can still keep open relationships, its about your beliefs and frame control. Monogamy sucks for most men and women,
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laugh.gif

Monogamy sucks, the same way it sucks to drive and get stuck in a traffic jam. Monogamy (driving) has its benefits and has become so uniquitous that its benefits are no longer obvious to you. You'll only see the problems once its taken away.

Without monogamy, the top always wins. At its not the top 30%, its the top 1-10% that benefits. The men can always choose a younger mate (no security for the woman), and the woman can always be swooped away by someone with more resources (no security for the man). If you think that right now, the top 30% can have open relationships.. its also only because monogamy is the norm in society. If monogamy wasn't the norm, the concept of open relationships will not exist in the first place.

All stable societies arrived to monogamy for a reason. Even cultures that allow polygamy (e.g. Islam), limit it.. and there were actually circumstances of that time (war) that made it necessary.

QUOTE
if she THINKS you only have one source of sexual outlet, she is incentived to control and manipulate it. And if you disagree and decided to cheat behind her back, its matter of time before she backstab thrash talking or ultimately divorce you making you feel like a hopeless beta, anyway that guy has been simping along the way

This reveals more about your mindset than you think. If you keep thinking in that sort of antagonizing power-play mindset, you'll never have a proper relationship with anyone.

If she has chosen you as her only source of sexual outlet, and vice versa, then by right it should mean that you take care of each other more to secure that relationship. If you're being manipulated, then leave the relationship. That choice is still always present. You don't have to cheat, or be in an open relationship.
silverhawk
post Nov 23 2022, 10:53 AM

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QUOTE(-mystery- @ Nov 22 2022, 05:36 PM)
it 'should' mean she should give me sex everytime i ask for it? bro, i think you made her like a sex doll, you just objectifying women

laugh.gif

Where did I say that?

Your mind is so badly warped, you don't even realize it.

QUOTE
im not cheating, im just stating im not capable of monogamy
i can love a woman but i will not settle sexually monogamous with her
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It is no monogamy you're not capable of.

You're not capable of intimacy. You're not strong enough to be vulnerable to someone. You also don't have a greater goal than your sexual desires, and thus beocme a slave to it.

Its no different from an obese person saying they're not capable of exercising or dieting.


silverhawk
post Dec 7 2022, 10:35 AM

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QUOTE(anilin @ Nov 23 2022, 02:05 PM)
Yes, definitely includes the sexual & intimacy part. I'm talking about committed open relationship, would it exist? It's absolutely difficult for most girls, I presume.
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It exists, but the conditions for it to work out are so niche that its unlikely you're going to succeed in it.

Out of the many people who try open relationships, majority of them fail in the long run. Why? because the open relationship is often just covering up for something they had to work on in their relationship. A way to sweep problems under the rug and safely try new options before finally jumping ship.

Don't believe me? Go find those videos on polyamory or open relationships and watch the relationship dynamics. Go find polyamorous online communities and see how they talk about their relationships. If you pay attention, you'll notice in most cases there's an imbalance in power dynamics. One partner will always have way more options while the other has to suck it up otherwise they risk losing their attention.

It is sad, but it is reality.

QUOTE(anilin @ Nov 24 2022, 09:46 AM)
Thank you so much. I read repeatedly while contemplating. It's interesting to analyze how our brain works and how efficient we think. That's another whole new topic I guess. Back to loyalty, trust and faithfulness, they could co-exist in a polyamorous relationship as well, just need to have little bit extra mind control of those so called unnecessary noise which brings nothing good to your partner, when trying to tell him or her your wild thoughts.
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The fact that you have that "noise" should tell you that you're not built for this.
silverhawk
post Dec 8 2022, 11:15 AM

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QUOTE(-mystery- @ Dec 7 2022, 12:32 PM)
monetary attention? Lol
If a woman cannot be independent without attentions, that alone tells you a lot about her self esteem
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Did I mention sex/gender in my example? Your bias is once again showing laugh.gif

This post has been edited by silverhawk: Dec 8 2022, 11:16 AM
silverhawk
post Dec 8 2022, 10:29 PM

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QUOTE(-mystery- @ Dec 8 2022, 11:28 AM)
only beta males want a monogamy. Even a controlling needy alpha will still cheat, id rather openly "cheat" with integrity
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Controlling & needy alpha? laugh.gif

Do you even listen to yourself? laugh.gif

QUOTE(anilin @ Dec 8 2022, 06:49 PM)
It's meant to fail, known, yet, why is it so addictive?
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All addiction leads to failure. Anything that feels good, can be addictive, whether its alcohol, sex, porn, food, etc.

Addiction is what occurs when you need to escape the suffering of reality. They've done studies with mice where they got them addicted to cocaine, but when they realised the environment they designed as rather depressing.. they changed the environment to better suit the mice and suddenly the mice were no longer getting addicted to cocaine.

The question you need to ask yourself is, what are you running from?
silverhawk
post Feb 3 2023, 06:45 PM

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QUOTE(Napalm_man @ Feb 1 2023, 04:52 PM)
Ok then what do you propose?

If they profile or pictures doesn’t show much, example just thei picture eating/drinking. Please share some tips, if it is creepy as per you said, then how and what kind of questions or topics I should ask/talk?
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Pictures can give you a lot of clues, at least to create proper conversation openers.

At a cafe? Talk about coffee/cafe hopping.
At the beach? Can talk about vacations, islands, etc.
Interesting backdrop? Can ask where it was taken

Even what they're doing can be used as pointers. E.g. what food is it? what drink is it?

Very rarely is there nothing to work with. Cause if that was the case, you probably shouldn't be attempting to match to begin with. Keep in mind that most women know they will pull lots of men, and 99% of them are going to approach the way you've been doing it "hey, how are you". If you were in their shoes, you'll likely go "meh... " after the 5th one you got that day laugh.gif



 

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