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stephy_kim
post Aug 14 2020, 04:59 PM

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QUOTE(unhappyhusband @ Aug 14 2020, 02:28 PM)
today i have a huge project to work on at home. it is extremely stressful but she insisted that the room is a place to feed a kid, not the dining table even though there are chairs, etc available.

In the end, I said i will go out and work - out of frustration because of deliverables. she said she will not come to my house less.
*
Looks like she is giving you the ultimatum either you move out with her to find a house or she moves out?

In short she's asking you to choose either her or your own parents.

Both of you need to have a serious discussion to have a final decision on how you want to let the relationship to progress.
If she continues to stay back at her own parent's house for a long period of time, this will leads to SEPARATION and then DIVORCE.



SUSrenomahans
post Aug 14 2020, 06:54 PM

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QUOTE(unhappyhusband @ Aug 14 2020, 02:27 PM)
Have tried it most of the time but she doesn't want to talk much. Or she will just say she wants to move out.

I do a lot of house work. I clean the room, I wash the clothes, fold the clothes, iron the clothes. Don't even ask her for any house chores when she comes over to my house to stay. In fact, I even do the dishes.

She doesn't cook, she doesn't know how. She doesn't like to drive. She can't even travel around my house with a radius of 1km without getting lost because she says if she is driven all her life by her dad, she doesn't see why her husband cannot do the same.
*
Dang, something is wrong. She is driven by her dad all the time ? Are her parents really spoil her like princess ?

Well obviously she is not happy staying at your parents house. She may not say it, but there are signs, that she is not happy with your parents, maybe it was something they said to her ? or the house surrounding ?

Bro, you gotta talk to her, even though she doesn't want to talk, keep talking keep nagging. I changed a person similar to your wife before.

You gotta move out, before things get worse. Discuss with her, what kind of housing you both need, condo or house ? Condo plus point is that it has facilities and security but house is more comfortable and access easily to the car. Make a deal with her, if you both move out, think most obvious option is to rent, she in return, gotta learn how to drive better and take more initiative to move up her career. You have to choose either near your parents or her parents house, so when you both go to work, can drop your kid at either one of your parents house, then come back home from work, pick up your kid.


kennykck
post Aug 15 2020, 12:18 AM

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QUOTE(unhappyhusband @ Aug 14 2020, 02:25 PM)
yeap. old fashioned. because i am the only son living with my parents who are old and retired.

No one is saying that her parents are not good. IN fact they are very good.

If you are a son with parents who are alone and want company but you run away and stay at wife house, be my guest. I am not that kind of person.

I never promised her anything but consideration if finances were reasonable. but as of now, it is not.
*
As if your wife did not sacrifice herself by leaving her parents alone and spend her time to be with you and your parents. Whether she has siblings or not it doesnt matter, the fact is she left her responsibility of taking care/accompany her parents to be with you. Are you willing to sacrifice at least half the time she spend accompanied your parents, and you accompany her parents instead?

So "consideration" means both of you have discussed on getting your own house before. This might be what in her mindset/goal after the discussion, so no matter what you do now it barely has any effect.


KayRyn
post Aug 15 2020, 03:12 PM

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QUOTE(Salience @ Aug 10 2020, 01:16 PM)
Posting on behalf of a friend who is still waiting for his account to be validated by Lowyat forum. As it is taking some time, he has asked for help to post this up first. He will respond accordingly.

----------

Not sure if this is the right section of this forum but here it goes.

I’m an unhappy husband.
I’ve been married for 3 years and we have a daughter that’s 3 years old.
Since marriage and giving birth, wife had asked for a maid and our own place to stay. Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, I am unable to provide both.
Eventually, she said, since our daughter was born that because no one is available to help her, she will say half a week at her parents place and half a week at my place (with my parents).

Initially she wanted me to fetch her from her house every week because she doesn’t like to drive and she doesn’t drive anywhere (she can only drive to my house and another of her good friend’s place from her house without GPS assistance) because she just doesn’t like to drive, and says that it is not necessary for learn how to drive around town. She depends on me or her dad to fetch her from place to place. Her mother, (my MIL), cannot drive either – so maybe that’s where she’s following her footsteps. My wife is the kind of person that has no ambition for her job, comfortable earning maybe a 5k salary for her entire life (to illustrate) and doesn’t seem to want to care about finances.
I got for her a big SUV to drive – for safety and space because I expect her to do the bare minimum if she does not want to stay and make do in my house despite being married with a kid, she will have to take on the responsibility to drive – which she is doing so but she transports loads of stuff from house to house. She doesn’t even want to use the boiled water in my house because she says she has those new water filters which are cleaner. So she transports liters of water when she comes over.

In my house, she doesn’t like to go out of the room (my parents house is a bungalow). She doesn’t like to take the child to the garden/ yard, she doesn’t like to feed the child at the dining area, she was cooking in my room using an electric pot for a while. I’m not sure why is she behaving like this.

Until today, she doesn’t like to take my daughter outdoors, she likes to stay in the room. I have to keep bringing my own child to my parents so that they could play with her because my wife keeps my child in the room every time.
My wife and my parents have no issues. They get along well (as far as I have judged and evaluated) but it’s just her nature of “lazy interaction”. She does not want to stay with me in my family house full time, because she blames it for the lack of help. (Note: she has a flexible working arrangement and works maybe 1 day in the office in 10 working days).

Since my current job now is mainly home based as well, she seems to get pissed off easier and is getting very very rude. She curses, she shows unhappy black faces, asks me to shut up, etc. for no apparent reason that I know. It seems to me that as long as I am at home, and when I take 30 mins to rest from the computer, my wife thinks I’m a lousy husband for not helping out. It seemed so much simpler when I was office based but the sight of her seeing me taking a cool towel during stress moments of work at home, she thinks I’m just a lazy worker. Note that the nature of my job is extremely hectic. So much so I used to work 10-12 hours a day and even on weekends.

However, in all honesty, during her good days, she is a good wife, she is a loving mother. But it is all these skirmishes that has been escalating which I cannot take.

The problem is this that now I am very unhappy because of her rudeness which seems to be a weekly affair when she comes over to my place... I’ve accepted the fact that she has 0 ambition and to compensate for that I have mentioned that you have to be able to bring up our child or children in the best possible way then using the funds that we can afford from what we can save. Since her work is sort of capped (Dead-end), it will be me that needs to push the envelope. But she has been very rude in recent months – I’ve never seen this side of rudeness before and I cannot accept it – till the point, I have even considered for a separation but not at the expense of my daughter’s welfare.

In public she shows her unhappy face, she shouts, she cannot speak like a well-educated person sometimes and she’s just plain rude. In front of people and in our own bedroom.
What can be done? I do not know. All I know is that I cannot accept this rudeness, obnoxious, woman.
*
It is hard to judge based only on stories from your side.
I guess trying to look at the bigger picture of your situation would help.

It seems like her wish is for the family to have a place of your own (which I think you are well aware of), several forummers also pointed out that moving out would be one of the solutions, to which you gave responses that indicated moving out is not an option (at least for now) because 1) financial constraints 2) you want your parents to have your/your family's company.

With that said, you have your reasons to stay with your parents and she also made the sacrifice to be alternating between two places. IMO it is important for you and your wife to discuss the long term plan and to come to a consensus on what the future is going to be like. Chances are your wife is expecting you to address this accomodation issue, and you both have expectations for each other that are not communicated which led to frustrations from both sides. Sometimes it is not so much about agreeing with each other on everything, but understanding the other person's situation and showing compassion and love. Compromising is important too.

No woman turns from a loving wife and mother to an unhappy person for no reasons, and no woman wants that. Pay attention to her needs, show her an alternative to shouting or being nasty to get things her way, and maybe try to be romantic. Hopefully she will see what you do and soften up so that communication can happen eventually (for small and major issues).

This post has been edited by KayRyn: Aug 15 2020, 03:16 PM
BLKH3
post Aug 15 2020, 03:30 PM

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QUOTE(unhappyhusband @ Aug 14 2020, 02:27 PM)
Have tried it most of the time but she doesn't want to talk much. Or she will just say she wants to move out.

I do a lot of house work. I clean the room, I wash the clothes, fold the clothes, iron the clothes. Don't even ask her for any house chores when she comes over to my house to stay. In fact, I even do the dishes.

She doesn't cook, she doesn't know how. She doesn't like to drive. She can't even travel around my house with a radius of 1km without getting lost because she says if she is driven all her life by her dad, she doesn't see why her husband cannot do the same.
*
She is an adult, she is mature enough to take care of a child and yet she insists of being driven all the time. The alarm bell in my head rings loud.
ViktorJ
post Aug 15 2020, 03:57 PM

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QUOTE(Salience @ Aug 10 2020, 01:16 PM)
our own place to stay. Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, I am unable to provide

I got for her a big SUV to drive

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Hm?
lace
post Aug 16 2020, 08:24 PM

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Joined: Apr 2009
well another
son cant leave old parents home
wife uneasy wth husband family
problem
this is complicated
some sort of compromising from either party needs to be done or this is going no where
ZachhJ P
post Aug 16 2020, 11:32 PM

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QUOTE(Salience @ Aug 10 2020, 01:16 PM)
Posting on behalf of a friend who is still waiting for his account to be validated by Lowyat forum. As it is taking some time, he has asked for help to post this up first. He will respond accordingly.

----------

Not sure if this is the right section of this forum but here it goes.

I’m an unhappy husband.
I’ve been married for 3 years and we have a daughter that’s 3 years old.
Since marriage and giving birth, wife had asked for a maid and our own place to stay. Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, I am unable to provide both.
Eventually, she said, since our daughter was born that because no one is available to help her, she will say half a week at her parents place and half a week at my place (with my parents).

Initially she wanted me to fetch her from her house every week because she doesn’t like to drive and she doesn’t drive anywhere (she can only drive to my house and another of her good friend’s place from her house without GPS assistance) because she just doesn’t like to drive, and says that it is not necessary for learn how to drive around town. She depends on me or her dad to fetch her from place to place. Her mother, (my MIL), cannot drive either – so maybe that’s where she’s following her footsteps. My wife is the kind of person that has no ambition for her job, comfortable earning maybe a 5k salary for her entire life (to illustrate) and doesn’t seem to want to care about finances.
I got for her a big SUV to drive – for safety and space because I expect her to do the bare minimum if she does not want to stay and make do in my house despite being married with a kid, she will have to take on the responsibility to drive – which she is doing so but she transports loads of stuff from house to house. She doesn’t even want to use the boiled water in my house because she says she has those new water filters which are cleaner. So she transports liters of water when she comes over.

In my house, she doesn’t like to go out of the room (my parents house is a bungalow). She doesn’t like to take the child to the garden/ yard, she doesn’t like to feed the child at the dining area, she was cooking in my room using an electric pot for a while. I’m not sure why is she behaving like this.

Until today, she doesn’t like to take my daughter outdoors, she likes to stay in the room. I have to keep bringing my own child to my parents so that they could play with her because my wife keeps my child in the room everytime.
My wife and my parents have no issues. They get along well (as far as I have judged and evaluated) but it’s just her nature of “lazy interaction”. She does not want to stay with me in my family house full time, because she blames it for the lack of help. (Note: she has a flexible working arrangement and works maybe 1 day in the office in 10 working days).

Since my current job now is mainly home based as well, she seems to get pissed off easier and is getting very very rude. She curses, she shows unhappy black faces, asks me to shut up, etc. for no apparent reason that I know. It seems to me that as long as I am at home, and when I take 30 mins to rest from the computer, my wife thinks I’m a lousy husband for not helping out. It seemed so much simpler when I was office based but the sight of her seeing me taking a cool towel during stress moments of work at home, she thinks I’m just a lazy worker. Note that the nature of my job is extremely hectic. So much so I used to work 10-12 hours a day and even on weekends.

However, in all honesty, during her good days, she is a good wife, she is a loving mother. But it is all these skirmishes that has been escalating which I cannot take.

The problem is this that now I am very unhappy because of her rudeness which seems to be a weekly affair when she comes over to my place... I’ve accepted the fact that she has 0 ambition and to compensate for that I have mentioned that you have to be able to bring up our child or children in the best possible way then using the funds that we can afford from what we can save. Since her work is sort of capped (Dead-end), it will be me that needs to push the envelope. But she has been very rude in recent months – I’ve never seen this side of rudeness before and I cannot accept it – till the point, I have even considered for a separation but not at the expense of my daughter’s welfare.

In public she shows her unhappy face, she shouts, she cannot speak like a well-educated person sometimes and she’s just plain rude. In front of people and in our own bedroom.
What can be done? I do not know. All I know is that I cannot accept this rudeness, obnoxious, woman.
*
u gotta sit her down and talk to her. like a real heart 2 heart convo.
PrincipaliteY
post Aug 18 2020, 11:35 AM

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Joined: Oct 2011
if she was not like this before, I would also suggest u to look into her health issues. Sometimes ppl who are sick doesn't know it themselves and went into self-denial mode. Ppl like this are hard to deal with but that is what family is about right? Just like you feel you could never give up on ur kid, does it means your wife is expendable?

People with high BP/generally unhealthy tend to have bad mood. You may also consider if she could be in depression or suffering from hereditary/past traumatic psychological issues.
w19
post Aug 19 2020, 01:57 AM

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Joined: Dec 2008

QUOTE(Salience @ Aug 10 2020, 01:16 PM)
Posting on behalf of a friend who is still waiting for his account to be validated by Lowyat forum. As it is taking some time, he has asked for help to post this up first. He will respond accordingly.

----------

Not sure if this is the right section of this forum but here it goes.

I’m an unhappy husband.
I’ve been married for 3 years and we have a daughter that’s 3 years old.
Since marriage and giving birth, wife had asked for a maid and our own place to stay. Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, I am unable to provide both.
Eventually, she said, since our daughter was born that because no one is available to help her, she will say half a week at her parents place and half a week at my place (with my parents).

Initially she wanted me to fetch her from her house every week because she doesn’t like to drive and she doesn’t drive anywhere (she can only drive to my house and another of her good friend’s place from her house without GPS assistance) because she just doesn’t like to drive, and says that it is not necessary for learn how to drive around town. She depends on me or her dad to fetch her from place to place. Her mother, (my MIL), cannot drive either – so maybe that’s where she’s following her footsteps. My wife is the kind of person that has no ambition for her job, comfortable earning maybe a 5k salary for her entire life (to illustrate) and doesn’t seem to want to care about finances.
I got for her a big SUV to drive – for safety and space because I expect her to do the bare minimum if she does not want to stay and make do in my house despite being married with a kid, she will have to take on the responsibility to drive – which she is doing so but she transports loads of stuff from house to house. She doesn’t even want to use the boiled water in my house because she says she has those new water filters which are cleaner. So she transports liters of water when she comes over.

In my house, she doesn’t like to go out of the room (my parents house is a bungalow). She doesn’t like to take the child to the garden/ yard, she doesn’t like to feed the child at the dining area, she was cooking in my room using an electric pot for a while. I’m not sure why is she behaving like this.

Until today, she doesn’t like to take my daughter outdoors, she likes to stay in the room. I have to keep bringing my own child to my parents so that they could play with her because my wife keeps my child in the room everytime.
My wife and my parents have no issues. They get along well (as far as I have judged and evaluated) but it’s just her nature of “lazy interaction”. She does not want to stay with me in my family house full time, because she blames it for the lack of help. (Note: she has a flexible working arrangement and works maybe 1 day in the office in 10 working days).

Since my current job now is mainly home based as well, she seems to get pissed off easier and is getting very very rude. She curses, she shows unhappy black faces, asks me to shut up, etc. for no apparent reason that I know. It seems to me that as long as I am at home, and when I take 30 mins to rest from the computer, my wife thinks I’m a lousy husband for not helping out. It seemed so much simpler when I was office based but the sight of her seeing me taking a cool towel during stress moments of work at home, she thinks I’m just a lazy worker. Note that the nature of my job is extremely hectic. So much so I used to work 10-12 hours a day and even on weekends.

However, in all honesty, during her good days, she is a good wife, she is a loving mother. But it is all these skirmishes that has been escalating which I cannot take.

The problem is this that now I am very unhappy because of her rudeness which seems to be a weekly affair when she comes over to my place... I’ve accepted the fact that she has 0 ambition and to compensate for that I have mentioned that you have to be able to bring up our child or children in the best possible way then using the funds that we can afford from what we can save. Since her work is sort of capped (Dead-end), it will be me that needs to push the envelope. But she has been very rude in recent months – I’ve never seen this side of rudeness before and I cannot accept it – till the point, I have even considered for a separation but not at the expense of my daughter’s welfare.

In public she shows her unhappy face, she shouts, she cannot speak like a well-educated person sometimes and she’s just plain rude. In front of people and in our own bedroom.
What can be done? I do not know. All I know is that I cannot accept this rudeness, obnoxious, woman.
*
Just ask your friend simple question!

Are you love your wife please? If yes, I believe he know what he need to do as mature adult!
FishnChipx
post Aug 19 2020, 03:31 PM

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do you know what is depression ? that normally happen to women after gave birth and thinks that she got no confident and at the "lose" side because she have to take care everything including the child, no more freedom, not like last time etc etc etc, and what you can do is buy her flower everyday and make her happy. forgive whatever sh*t she say and just hope one day she will come out from the depression.

 

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