Posting on behalf of a friend who is still waiting for his account to be validated by Lowyat forum. As it is taking some time, he has asked for help to post this up first. He will respond accordingly.
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Not sure if this is the right section of this forum but here it goes.
I’m an unhappy husband.
I’ve been married for 3 years and we have a daughter that’s 3 years old.
Since marriage and giving birth, wife had asked for a maid and our own place to stay. Unfortunately, due to financial constraints, I am unable to provide both.
Eventually, she said, since our daughter was born that because no one is available to help her, she will say half a week at her parents place and half a week at my place (with my parents).
Initially she wanted me to fetch her from her house every week because she doesn’t like to drive and she doesn’t drive anywhere (she can only drive to my house and another of her good friend’s place from her house without GPS assistance) because she just doesn’t like to drive, and says that it is not necessary for learn how to drive around town. She depends on me or her dad to fetch her from place to place. Her mother, (my MIL), cannot drive either – so maybe that’s where she’s following her footsteps. My wife is the kind of person that has no ambition for her job, comfortable earning maybe a 5k salary for her entire life (to illustrate) and doesn’t seem to want to care about finances.
I got for her a big SUV to drive – for safety and space because I expect her to do the bare minimum if she does not want to stay and make do in my house despite being married with a kid, she will have to take on the responsibility to drive – which she is doing so but she transports loads of stuff from house to house. She doesn’t even want to use the boiled water in my house because she says she has those new water filters which are cleaner. So she transports liters of water when she comes over.
In my house, she doesn’t like to go out of the room (my parents house is a bungalow). She doesn’t like to take the child to the garden/ yard, she doesn’t like to feed the child at the dining area, she was cooking in my room using an electric pot for a while. I’m not sure why is she behaving like this.
Until today, she doesn’t like to take my daughter outdoors, she likes to stay in the room. I have to keep bringing my own child to my parents so that they could play with her because my wife keeps my child in the room every time.
My wife and my parents have no issues. They get along well (as far as I have judged and evaluated) but it’s just her nature of “lazy interaction”. She does not want to stay with me in my family house full time, because she blames it for the lack of help. (Note: she has a flexible working arrangement and works maybe 1 day in the office in 10 working days).
Since my current job now is mainly home based as well, she seems to get pissed off easier and is getting very very rude. She curses, she shows unhappy black faces, asks me to shut up, etc. for no apparent reason that I know. It seems to me that as long as I am at home, and when I take 30 mins to rest from the computer, my wife thinks I’m a lousy husband for not helping out. It seemed so much simpler when I was office based but the sight of her seeing me taking a cool towel during stress moments of work at home, she thinks I’m just a lazy worker. Note that the nature of my job is extremely hectic. So much so I used to work 10-12 hours a day and even on weekends.
However, in all honesty, during her good days, she is a good wife, she is a loving mother. But it is all these skirmishes that has been escalating which I cannot take.
The problem is this that now I am very unhappy because of her rudeness which seems to be a weekly affair when she comes over to my place... I’ve accepted the fact that she has 0 ambition and to compensate for that I have mentioned that you have to be able to bring up our child or children in the best possible way then using the funds that we can afford from what we can save. Since her work is sort of capped (Dead-end), it will be me that needs to push the envelope. But she has been very rude in recent months – I’ve never seen this side of rudeness before and I cannot accept it – till the point, I have even considered for a separation but not at the expense of my daughter’s welfare.
In public she shows her unhappy face, she shouts, she cannot speak like a well-educated person sometimes and she’s just plain rude. In front of people and in our own bedroom.
What can be done? I do not know. All I know is that I cannot accept this rudeness, obnoxious, woman.
It is hard to judge based only on stories from your side.
I guess trying to look at the bigger picture of your situation would help.
It seems like her wish is for the family to have a place of your own (which I think you are well aware of), several forummers also pointed out that moving out would be one of the solutions, to which you gave responses that indicated moving out is not an option (at least for now) because 1) financial constraints 2) you want your parents to have your/your family's company.
With that said, you have your reasons to stay with your parents and she also made the sacrifice to be alternating between two places. IMO it is important for you and your wife to discuss the long term plan and to come to a consensus on what the future is going to be like. Chances are your wife is expecting you to address this accomodation issue, and you both have expectations for each other that are not communicated which led to frustrations from both sides. Sometimes it is not so much about agreeing with each other on everything, but understanding the other person's situation and showing compassion and love. Compromising is important too.
No woman turns from a loving wife and mother to an unhappy person for no reasons, and no woman wants that. Pay attention to her needs, show her an alternative to shouting or being nasty to get things her way, and maybe try to be romantic. Hopefully she will see what you do and soften up so that communication can happen eventually (for small and major issues).