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 Am i not good enough? -Update- -Closure-

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TSvaan321
post Jul 6 2020, 01:50 PM

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QUOTE(windvind @ Jul 6 2020, 11:30 AM)
Can bring her go cuti cuti Malaysia, sometime away from work.
Talk to her seriously about your future.
If you think she is the one then be honest and tell her, what you think deep down. But dont marry just because after x years then seem like the next thing to do.

Also, very strong financial backing is X amount in bank or in shares or how she wants to quantify it. How does she come to the conclusion of your financial situation.
Does she know sensitive information on how much you make and how much you have prepared in your savings?
Say for marriage savings and rainy day savings. Personally, i think its okay to disclose some but not all.
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QUOTE(1mr3tard3d @ Jul 6 2020, 01:01 PM)
this is certainly an uncertainty
remember
should definitely avoid doing this, you could end the relationship without a ring but you need a talk

well, i know that you are ready but she is not
and the reason could be none from your list
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thank you both, maybe a few months later, i will bring this up again, dont want to be pushy.

QUOTE(ZzZzz... @ Jul 6 2020, 11:02 AM)
i think both of u really have to take this topic seriously, plan a date, sit down, discuss deeply what future u both planned,

myself facing similar situation too, aiks
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how are you dealing with it?
ZzZzz...
post Jul 6 2020, 02:00 PM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 6 2020, 01:50 PM)
thank you both, maybe a few months later, i will bring this up again, dont want to be pushy.
how are you dealing with it?
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im still having trouble dealing with it... ><"
dont feel to let go just like this,

finding the correct moment to discuss further, everytime discussion seems like no conclusion


TSvaan321
post Jul 6 2020, 02:09 PM

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QUOTE(ZzZzz... @ Jul 6 2020, 02:00 PM)
im still having trouble dealing with it... ><"
dont feel to let go just like this,

finding the correct moment to discuss further, everytime discussion seems like no conclusion
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hope both of us can get the desired positive answer nod.gif
ZzZzz...
post Jul 6 2020, 02:12 PM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 6 2020, 02:09 PM)
hope both of us can get the desired positive answer  nod.gif
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all the best bro
J1g54w
post Jul 6 2020, 07:13 PM

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for the lack of words, you could be too beta

also she being sticky with parents can be trouble
how old are they? does she have siblings?

are you ready to stay with her parents?

also, what other reasons you have other than 'wanting to get married' to get married? don't get married just because. and the 'duration of relationship' is one of the lamest excuses.

maybe don't be too clingy.

make yourself more attractive to her.

you said you have time. can you learn to dance? it's one of the best non-verbal language to make yourself attractive. does she like to watch men who can dance? what men does she follow on Instagram?

you said you slimmed down, what do you wear when you go out with her? do you wear like a 'man' or do you wear like a typical malaysian?
TSvaan321
post Jul 6 2020, 07:43 PM

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QUOTE(J1g54w @ Jul 6 2020, 07:13 PM)
for the lack of words, you could be too beta

also she being sticky with parents can be trouble
how old are they? does she have siblings?

are you ready to stay with her parents?

also, what other reasons you have other than 'wanting to get married' to get married? don't get married just because. and the 'duration of relationship' is one of the lamest excuses.

maybe don't be too clingy.

make yourself more attractive to her.

you said you have time. can you learn to dance? it's one of the best non-verbal language to make yourself attractive. does she like to watch men who can dance? what men does she follow on Instagram?

you said you slimmed down, what do you wear when you go out with her? do you wear like a 'man' or do you wear like a typical malaysian?
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if being myself is named as beta, then so be it. smile.gif

She is a filial person, that's a problem. My house is big enough to bring along 2 more people, if she wants it.
dance? she interested in following those pretty boy of china movie star, something not common people able to change their look to.

What? you mean you need to dress in casual formal every single time go out to date? This is not the early days of dating, it is already several years relationship.
Nowadays i just wear whatever she gave me as present, at least she noticed it and happy about it.
J1g54w
post Jul 6 2020, 07:53 PM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 6 2020, 07:43 PM)
if being myself is named as beta, then so be it. smile.gif

She is a filial person, that's a problem. My house is big enough to bring along 2 more people, if she wants it.
dance? she interested in following those pretty boy of china movie star, something not common people able to change their look to.

What? you mean you need to dress in casual formal every single time go out to date? This is not the early days of dating, it is already several years relationship.
Nowadays i just wear whatever she gave me as present, at least she noticed it and happy about it.
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Those pretty boys can really dance. Maybe sign up for a dance school to replace your gym? Dancing is a very good workout too.

I'm more than 10 years with my wife but I still make it a point to look good when going out with her. A good stupid excuse to do this is to expect to run into old friends out there, and your other half will not be embarassed, even better if you can make others jealous of her for having you.

But since you said she's happy with what you wear then there's probably no issue there.

You have not said what's your main reason for wanting to get married.

TSvaan321
post Jul 6 2020, 08:11 PM

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QUOTE(J1g54w @ Jul 6 2020, 07:53 PM)
Those pretty boys can really dance. Maybe sign up for a dance school to replace your gym? Dancing is a very good workout too.

I'm more than 10 years with my wife but I still make it a point to look good when going out with her. A good stupid excuse to do this is to expect to run into old friends out there, and your other half will not be embarassed, even better if you can make others jealous of her for having you.

But since you said she's happy with what you wear then there's probably no issue there.

You have not said what's your main reason for wanting to get married.
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Want to live together and be serious about the commitment to take care of her. But somehow, her clingy-ness on her parents may be a roadblock, and her perception that after marriage, career and life needs to change.
I have to keep reassuring her nothing will change. But let's see how my next conversation with her, maybe talk to her on next month.
brownman90561495
post Jul 6 2020, 09:23 PM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 5 2020, 08:24 PM)
Just had a discussion with my long term gf (5 years together), and i am 33, she is 31. Both of us are manager level in financial industry, but my salary is few k slightly higher than her.

After so many years, i thought of tying the knot, and with my salary about 5 figures (of coz compared with most people here, my salary is not that high, but based on my expenses and planning, i feel that i can take care of my wife) which is why i discuss about marriage with her.

But she has different thoughts, she said she wants to buy another property (she has a house now) before settling down, and want to aim higher in career first.

I said: "After married, we just going to be staying together and I can take care of you and support you and share my life with you, i can do cooking and everything else about the house, nothing about tying you down, you still can buy another property under your name with my assistance, you still can pursue your career (I don't want to have kid for now)"

She said: "but still that's my life's objective and i don't need your financial support, besides, you said you want to have a stronger financial status first, no?"

I said: "that was few years back, and now i am confident that i have a strong financial backing"

She replied: "then, maybe just wait till you have a VERY STRONG financial backing"

We laughed it off, and switch topic. But deep inside me, I am just feeling disappointed. Am I just not fit to be chose to be a husband of someone?
- I have my own house, a B-segment car, controlled financial plan. I may not be filthy rich, but i can live comfortably without much financial concern and plenty of time for my loved ones, and I am doing my house chores and cooking now and not expecting her to do it.
- I always help her whenever she has problem, I am her listener and problem solver. Even her job now was the result of me pulling some strings.
- We never argue to be frank in these 5 years, even though there are times when i am not happy with her, I just keep it to myself.
- I was fat, but now i became toned body because i want to be better for her.

Practically if we get married, she doesn't need to do a thing and just enjoy life.

Only thing left which i can't change is my look (a lower mediocre commoner face, aka face problem)  and my personality (a boring kind which isn't good at humor or make life interesting, albeit i always try). Maybe that's why she hesitate? I don't know...
What else i can do? Should i try to buy a proposal ring few months later and get a "be all, end all" answer?

PS: she is staying with her parents and she sticking strongly to her parents and a workaholic.
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it's obvious that you two don't argue because you laugh or brush important topics off the table.
J1g54w
post Jul 7 2020, 08:44 AM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 6 2020, 08:11 PM)
Want to live together and be serious about the commitment to take care of her. But somehow, her clingy-ness on her parents may be a roadblock, and her perception that after marriage, career and life needs to change.
I have to keep reassuring her nothing will change. But let's see how my next conversation with her, maybe talk to her on next month.
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I think it's not that she's afraid that you will change her life after marriage. It could be her own commitment mind. Meaning she promised herself to change after getting married. Sometimes it's like this, a person has his/her own goals and dead-set at it no matter what.

If she promised herself deep down that she will become a good wife after getting married, that means she is serious about it. But right now it seems she doesn't want to change her situation and she's in a comfortable zone.

Anyway, you don't have to get married to take care of her. It's just a paper. If you are already taking care of her now as if you are her husband, then I see nothing wrong with getting married later.

An awkward but important question, have you both had sex? I asked because some people have some sort of mental roadblock towards sex and only will do it in marriage, so this caused some tension between the one who craves it and the one who avoids it.
nagasaran
post Jul 7 2020, 10:05 AM

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Bro, try not to be laughing or joking around when comes to a deep talk between both of you.

I’m with JieJieDiDi relationship and she is 1 year older than me. I told her that I’m very serious about our relationship and I put it in first priority in myself.

Yes of course sometimes making joke around is good but not as always. When it comes to a real and deep talk, stay in serious and be rational and listening her standpoint.

This post has been edited by nagasaran: Jul 7 2020, 10:05 AM
TSvaan321
post Jul 7 2020, 10:27 AM

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QUOTE(J1g54w @ Jul 7 2020, 08:44 AM)
Anyway, you don't have to get married to take care of her. It's just a paper. If you are already taking care of her now as if you are her husband, then I see nothing wrong with getting married later.

An awkward but important question, have you both had sex? I asked because some people have some sort of mental roadblock towards sex and only will do it in marriage, so this caused some tension between the one who craves it and the one who avoids it.
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yea, i think that's also one of the main problem, she being a (VERY) filial person to her parents, she is not staying with me, maybe due to family teaching etc. Which is why till now, we only have dating and travelling trip together but have zero experience of staying together on normal days, i did raise the idea of stay at my place, but she is not fond with that idea. I can't really prove to her that i can take care of her with she not staying together with me.

And of coz, being a good child to her parents, we didn't sex (i did ask).

This may be a good thing to her parents, but to me, a bf and potential husband, it is a headache.


QUOTE(nagasaran @ Jul 7 2020, 10:05 AM)
Bro, try not to be laughing or joking around when comes to a deep talk between both of you.

I’m with JieJieDiDi relationship and she is 1 year older than me. I told her that I’m very serious about our relationship and I put it in first priority in myself. 

Yes of course sometimes making joke around is good but not as always. When it comes to a real and deep talk, stay in serious and be rational and listening her standpoint.
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yea, will have a talk with her next month smile.gif

This post has been edited by vaan321: Jul 7 2020, 10:28 AM
D*mite
post Jul 7 2020, 12:08 PM

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never argue doesn't mean a healthy relationship...but like all above said, definitely need a deep serious discussion, what age she expect to marry, being a wife still can buy own property and career advancement since you are not getting child within short period...all the best
J1g54w
post Jul 7 2020, 01:20 PM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 7 2020, 10:27 AM)
yea, i think that's also one of the main problem, she being a (VERY) filial person to her parents, she is not staying with me, maybe due to family teaching etc. Which is why till now, we only have dating and travelling trip together but have zero experience of staying together on normal days, i did raise the idea of stay at my place, but she is not fond with that idea. I can't really prove to her that i can take care of her with she not staying together with me.

And of coz, being a good child to her parents, we didn't sex (i did ask).

This may be a good thing to her parents, but to me, a bf and potential husband, it is a headache.
yea, will have a talk with her next month smile.gif
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So the pain points:
1. She's stuck with her parents.
2. You're stuck in your own pants.

How about getting 2 semi-D side by side and have her parents stay just next door? Or maybe a nice townhouse with top and bottom floors?
TSvaan321
post Jul 7 2020, 03:24 PM

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QUOTE(J1g54w @ Jul 7 2020, 01:20 PM)
So the pain points:
1. She's stuck with her parents.
2. You're stuck in your own pants.

How about getting 2 semi-D side by side and have her parents stay just next door? Or maybe a nice townhouse with top and bottom floors?
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her parents have the sense of belonging to the small town that they are living in. Which that would mean i need to move to their small town if i want things like to work.
Let me have a talk with her on what is her expectation next month.
J1g54w
post Jul 7 2020, 06:50 PM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 7 2020, 03:24 PM)
her parents have the sense of belonging to the small town that they are living in. Which that would mean i need to move to their small town if i want things like to work.
Let me have a talk with her on what is her expectation next month.
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Small town? Meaning your gf is staying there now?
TSvaan321
post Jul 7 2020, 07:11 PM

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QUOTE(J1g54w @ Jul 7 2020, 06:50 PM)
Small town? Meaning your gf is staying there now?
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yes, i need to travel for some distance to her house, but that's not the concern here, been doing it for 5 years now
ymc2303
post Jul 7 2020, 07:40 PM

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when it come to the bottleneck, whatever you expected her to be, is not going to be it..frustrations comes whenever you pacify yourself that everything will work out just fine but the fact is, it is not.
when you have something pent up inside of you due to argument/conflict unresolved, these issues grows within you. when to the boiling point, things get ugly real easy. its better to iron out things that bothering you or at least things that put your relationship stagnant without progress that you had in mind.
the part of you haven't really co-exist with her at all, is actually a real issue. would suggest a year or two to co-exist before tying the knot. conflicts/frustrations will exists if both have never stay together before.
as for sex, its subjective. but was it worth the wait? i am not sure.

if she doesn't feel like tying down now, and you have different view, probably its time for a cool off and do an evaluation on whether there is any progressive growth for the relationship to go on or both call it quits, move on and go each way of career or financial advancement.
TSvaan321
post Jul 7 2020, 08:33 PM

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QUOTE(ymc2303 @ Jul 7 2020, 07:40 PM)
when it come to the bottleneck, whatever you expected her to be, is not going to be it..frustrations comes whenever you pacify yourself that everything will work out just fine but the fact is, it is not.
when you have something pent up inside of you due to argument/conflict unresolved, these issues grows within you. when to the boiling point, things get ugly real easy. its better to iron out things that bothering you or at least things that put your relationship stagnant without progress that you had in mind.
the part of you haven't really co-exist with her at all, is actually a real issue. would suggest a year or two to co-exist before tying the knot. conflicts/frustrations will exists if both have never stay together before.
as for sex, its subjective. but was it worth the wait? i am not sure.

if she doesn't feel like tying down now, and you have different view, probably its time for a cool off and do an evaluation on whether there is any progressive growth for the relationship to go on or both call it quits, move on and go each way of career or financial advancement.
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to be frank, for now, i don't need to do things like some others say "to focus on career etc", it is a never ending process, will i stop in career one day and say that's enough? Of course not. Or will there be a point in life, i finally have time to think "other than career, maybe it is time to focus on something else", of course it is not, as i am always multi-tasking/multi-aim at the same time in life.

For me, the success is there without putting in extra effort, and will have my next promotion soon, all in my plan.

For now, my main point is still getting a significant others.
ymc2303
post Jul 8 2020, 09:26 AM

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QUOTE(vaan321 @ Jul 7 2020, 08:33 PM)
to be frank, for now, i don't need to do things like some others say "to focus on career etc", it is a never ending process, will i stop in career one day and say that's enough? Of course not. Or will there be a point in life, i finally have time to think "other than career, maybe it is time to focus on something else", of course it is not, as i am always multi-tasking/multi-aim at the same time in life.

For me, the success is there without putting in extra effort, and will have my next promotion soon, all in my plan.

For now, my main point is still getting a significant others.
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but its good that you know what you want in life.
having said that, your gf seems to have a bigger appetite for success in life than you.. and her view on relationship/marriage might not be as same as yours..


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