Anybody left their spouse who refused to divorce?
What should I expect? Esp emotionally. I'm in my mid-30s and I'm planning to move out of my marital home into my family's house, targeting some time this year.

I'm quite worried about these matters tho:
1. Financially. He doesn't exactly support me 100% financially. I do work, but you can say he's like a safety net. Some of my money is tied up in our marital house and I have another property due for completion next year. More commitments MCO doesn't make it any better for my line of work. I am self employed.
2. I feel guilty towards my in laws
3. Moving all of my things from my marital house *headache thinking about the mess and packing* AND also, I probably have to sneakily move out when he's away. I really don't wanna do it when he's home n have all that drama to deal with.
4. Our marital home, which has both our names. It's such a bad time to sell uuurrghhhh. We bought our house 5 years ago when prices were kinda at its peak.

It's going to be a big change, I expect and I already expect that I may fall into depression for quite some time after that. If only he also wanted a divorce then we could have joint petition, 3 years ago. No cheating or spouse abuse reasons fyi. I've been unhappy for a long time and tahan all i can tahan in this marriage. We have no kids... so i've been asking myself, "Who am i living for???" Why stay in a marriage where I'm so unhappy that i silently cry at night in bed, next to my "bedmate"?? Because of the stigma of divorce? Bah!

But it is tough taking that first step to leave a situation that i'm getting more used to as time passes by (but not any happier with). I'm mustering my courage. Would be helpful if other ppl who have had to walk this path share their wisdom. Thanks in advance.

We got married because we had been dating a while (4 years). Yes i admit that I submitted to society's pressures of getting married at a certain age. But back then, i thought, never try, never know and I didn't wanna waste the 4 years I spent with this guy.
What changed was majority him. Of course you can't hear his POV in this case...but i do think i have the ability to be fair and whereas I am still pretty much the same passionate, affectionate, loving partner.... over the years, he became almost the opposite.




Actually, in my first draft (i wrote 3 drafts, it wasn't easy exposing my feelings like that).. I did write about why but then it was so long and i didn't think anyone would wanna read such a longass post
Maybe the spark fizzled out on his end which in turn, influenced me and also changed me into a person like him. No physical abuse, but perhaps mental abuse got. Depends on one's definition.



Anyway since u guys asked.... grandmother story up ahead; my husband and I are very very different ppl. To give u a slight idea abt him,think IT guy who doesn't need to talk to humans if he can help it + gamer + amine + manga + slow pace... that kinda guy. Me = a job where I have to engage with humans all the time + love to talk/communicate + sporty + like to try new things + fast pace. Bottom line is, in the beginning as usual, things were great...that lasted approx 6-8 months before there were slight changes from him. I'm experienced and realistic enough to NOT expect that honeymoon phase will last forever. So i closed one eye and tried to give and take. For example, from him actually telling me he can't stop kissing me....to him pulling away one time when I tried to kiss him when he got back from work. Thereafter, the french kissing mostly happened before/during coitus time. Also his impatience over small things started showing. Showing unhappy face for errands such as helping me buy some tools from a store near his hse for example. So in the beginning it was just little things like that, and i still thought that we complemented each other bcoz we were lacking wat the other party had and he was also good/nice at times. Because I've never had a really really long rship b4(my longest prior to this was about 2 years), I thought that i had to try my hardest in this rship. Adulting lah , in other words.

So, as time progressed these few things happened:
-There was not much physical affection, even when i hugged him, often he wouldn't hug me back until i grumbled...yea he wld just stand there while i hugged him. In bed, forget about cuddling. His excuse is that he feels hot although the aircond is always on. This is v diff when in the first few years, he would at least hug me for 10 mins or so before setting me aside to sleep. We are seriously like bedmates... i used to wonder how can a man and woman sleep in the same bed and yet be worlds apart, and i've come to experienced that. No intimacy, no bonding, no nth!
-He would constantly snap/spk rudely to me over the smallest of things. He's very easily irritated. Have u seen those couples where one or both parties constantly roll their eyes and spk damn rudely to each other? like "hou fan kam yong"
-He has in 3-4 occasions, humiliated me in public by scolding (with vulgar words too) me in front of friends/strangers who happened to be around us. Also over the smallest of issues and pls don't think i started shouting or throwin my temper first, because i didn't. In one of those times, i was simply trying to be helpful when i kena fr him. But pls don't think I'm a mousy person who is too afraid to fight bac... I'm not. But I dislike airing my dirty laundry for the public to see like that. Oh and after the scolding incidents he will refuse to apologise or very very reluctantly apologise.
-In the first 4 years or so, coitus was about 2-3 times a week (first few months was practically daily). But in the last 3 years, it became around 1-2 times a mont, sometimes even 2 months without any. Unless we were trying for kids (which we did for about 1 year) and actually this having kids thingy is in the next point. Back to the coitus... can u imagine what I feel like as a woman , to be rejected by my own husband? Ppl always generalise how men are so hamsup and they need sex, but once when we were trying...i straddled him and he actually "TSK" me and gave me the face of annoyance (he was playing game on his hp). WTF. I was so pissed that i threw a fit. We have spoken about this, and he said he felt dirty/uncomfy/skin issues yada yada......many times he's given me similar excuses....and in one of my frus moments, I shouted at him, "how long more do u want me to wait for u to settle yr issues???!!!??!!! " I think other women will understand when i say that certain times of the month, when our hormones peak... we also have our own needs. Also, he's a dead fish in bed, selfish lover no doubt abt it. Now, I am a semi vainpot, so i do watch wat i eat and I do exercise 3-4 times a month ........ i can't say the same for him, he exercises 2 months one time. I can super relate
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/3755480/all
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/4782935/all
https://forum.lowyat.net/topic/4960510

-Children issue. I'm more keen and he's not that keen, he refuses to get fertility tests done. He said let things go with the flow, if we are blssed w kids then so be it. FYI, i'm not like die die also need to have kids...but having coitus once or 2x a month...wat are my chances lah?? I can relate to this https://forum.lowyat.net/index.php?act=ST&f=23&t=4967886&st=
Whenever ppl asks about us having kids... i feel like screaming sometimes to them, how to have kids when we have sex once a month?!?!?!
-He's not pleasant to be with, especially on holidays. Some ppl have advised us to go on holiday and try for kids since usually holiday = less stressful. Buttttttt let me tell u, we get even more stressed up during hols because we fight on majority of our overseas trips. We have only not fought when family members were with us; i even invited my sibling to join along for our honeymoon because I was afraid we were gonna ruin it by fighting. Once, everyday of our 9 days trip except for the last day... we were mostly not on spkg terms. I was so angry that i even forgot i bought tickets to some tourist attraction centre.
-he's not a team player. For me, it's important that bf/gf or husband/wife work well together....but most of the time, he calculates a lot. EG why must he hang/wash the clothes when most of the clothes are mine? Stuff similar to this. I already try to do the harder housework to make it easier for him.


And many more... too much to write, because well, can't be a rship this long be summarised in these few points nia rite. I've come to a conclusion that we are just 2 super duper diff human beings. Opposites may complement each other but not total opposites with very little in common.
I tried to fix our problems in the beginning, I tried to talk and communicate w him, many times thru various methods like text or f2f. But his auto defense mode will be to totally ignore me, even when it is face to face...he'll just stare at his comp. I think he has a serious issue ( or maybe common amongst guys??) in expressing his feelings. I asked him to see a couples counselor but he refused rightaway. In time, because he is not loving, or affectionate, and instead is disrespectful to me....I either have to suppress my natural self of being physically loving ( i used to hug him almost everyday and shower him with pecks all over his face), liking to french kiss, like to cuddle, and I realised I'm becoming more and more like him which I hate...so yeah i'm equally, if not more disrespectful towards him these days.

Honestly, I rather be alone than to be stuck in this unhappiness. Before MCO, I realised that I actually have more fun with my friends and I was spending more time with them too. There were times i was so frustrated over the inability to reach thru him that I cry at night, next to this cold man...who knows i'm weeping but doesn't really care. There are times I wished that he would be the one who found someone else and ask for a divorce. IN case u guys think he has someone outside, i seriously doubt it due to his square personality plus he's mostly home. Sigh , I'm not saying he is all bad, as he is somewhat generous with his money (this one he doesn't count so much luckily), sometimes he'd buy my fav food, and overall he is a decent person who wouldn't break the law ... even something small like parking illegally. Sometimes he'll improve in certain matters but then it never lasts long. If I'm gonna stay in this rship, it'll be like I'm just settling. Being with someone good/decent doesn't necessarily equate to being with someone you truly love. I did love him, but because he refused to acknowledge my hurt and pain most of the time...i think my heart has hardened and i killed my love for him.

I can't help but think I'm getting the short end of the stick, I take care of myself, and he doesn't. So how come I"m the one who gets rejected? Why am I feeling unwanted for the longest time? Honestly,do u know how hard it is to stay faithful to this fella when there have been guys asking me out regularly? I don't fool ard because i would hate myself for being unfaithful. Ethically, i don't believe in it...but i don't know for how long more I am able to have this self control. I'm afraid if we cont down this rd, he and I will do something unforgivable like that to one another. If he can't appreciate me, and if others can...why must I stick to this person who doesn't appreciate me?

Yup, u are right to assume i am non-muslim. Thanks for sharing
Luckily i don't need alimony but i do want my money back from whatever I've put into the house

I made an error here... and i can't edit my post since i'm under "probation" ... I exercise 3-4 times a week, not a month.

Many thanks for your insight and well wishes (and taking time to read my lengthy post). No offense taken! Don't worry. Yes, indeed, it's hard to find a perfect match



Yes i agree. I thought of just moving out and getting some peace of mind. See how's my life without him... i may love it too much tho.



Actually i tried this too. I whatsapped points of my frustration to him (few times in the past 3 years), but usually he'll just ignore and not reply but even if he replied, it usually is along the lines of , " LOL why you always unhappy?" which shows that he doesn't take my concerns seriously. OR after few hours or a day, he'll just talk/text me like I didn't say anything at all. He strikes me as the kinda person who likes to sweep things under the rug rather than to face them.



Indeed, i first heard of this when watching Desperate Housewives LOL. Thanks for the non-judgemental advice ... u sound very experienced , macam marriage counselor.



I don't think I outgrew him... but maybe he outgrew me , in the first few years of our rship and he just didn't realise it? Not sure why but he refuses to divorce. I must have tried to talk to him almost 10 times over the years about divorcing but he'll either ignore me or tell me: NO!! I asked him why before; was it the stigma? Was he afraid of what our family may say? WAs it money? etc... then i kena ignored again.

My BMI is about 21-22, see pic for gauge. And my face isn't that hard to look at either, in case it may be lingering on u guys punya mind but u felt it was too blunt to ask @blofeld ... BO, well, occasionally just before my period but i handle it:thumbs: . Btw, since u brought this up, my husband is kinda OCD. Not towards BO but towards his own mouth breath. One of the reasons he gave me about not wanting to kiss frequently is because he needs to ensure its cleanliness = brush teeth. So he said he needs to prepare before kissing. He used to brush his teeth about 5 times a day until the dentist said it wasn't good for his enamel. Sigh i've not experienced this with anyone else. But then how come first year, he wasn't like that? And sometimes even after brushing teeth, he still doesn't really take the initiative to french. Sad, coz i love it...as a bonding ritual and moreeee gaahhh i feel so deprived.


[email=ungka]ungka[/email]
Do share!



I'm not skinny, but i'm not round either hahaha... Why be fat when one can be fit/slim?? Food is great, I'll admit...but I believe in self control and self discipline. For me, exercise has been ingrained into my life since i was a child and i naturally am competitive and enjoy sports, so... ^^
I'm more toned than my husband. And I can definitely do more abs and leg exercises than my husband huhu i joined Viper and Spartan Race (tho i didn't complete all the challenges)


I hear ya. Honestly, I always wanted to be the ideal woman for my man. Luckily most of the things come naturally to me; eg i used to imagine that at 60-70 years old, when both of us have grey hair, that i'll still be my playful silly self, jumping on his back and so forth (u get the picture). I always thought that i'd keep the passion, love and chemistry alive by language love touches that only a couple would know, still doing on/off romantic or thoughtful actions to let my partner know I still care for them deeply, sexual intimacy 3 times a week on average (yes yes until i'm 80 if possible lol), be respectful to one another etc but seriously, difficult to clap when only 1 party is working at it. I've had 2 rships where my exes and I had an excellent bond and an excellent chemistry. With one of them, even when we were with other ppl, we were often lost in our own world talking. I think sometimes, it is just chemistry between 2 ppl and it is unexplainable as to why; because it's likely to be made up of many many small things (recipes).


No leh, I asked him before.. he said he only reads the forum when he needs info but no account. But yeah lor.. no choice, u only can hear my side.



Communication breakdown, most definitely. Coz i like to communicate and talk, then he keeps on blocking me by ignoring me. Seriously, most of the time when I try to talk about our issues, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. #frusSial Regarding him being unsatisfied, no leh...coz he still treats me like normal, talk to me like normal (not like merajuk-ing over something) and sometimes when he is out, he'll buy me my fav food. And actually my husband is not the kecil hati type of guy, and he is totally cool with me having guy friends coz most of my friends are guys. Even when i wanna meetup with my exes who are still my friends, to him no big deal at all. His motto is: If ppl wanna cheat, they can find all sorts of way to cheat. So don't need to waste time being angry and try to control your partner. This one i totally agree with him.


Actually, this gay thing has crossed my mind in the first few years of us dating. Coz he has close friends who are gay. Butttt the gays i know, all of them jaga badan, damn stylish etc this is totally not my husband. Sometimes he looks homeless! I didn't know that gays like doing household chores tho LOL Btw, a few months ago i asked him to rate his libido and to rate mine, 10 being the highest. He said he is 5/10 and I'm 9/10. I dunno lah...but guys i've been with (can count with 10 fingers), they've never been as unhamsap as my husband


Huh?? Why do u think i asked him to help finance the house???
It's only in my name & i'm the only one paying for it yah



Actually i am not so sure whether it's me who loves him more. I think it's more of the fact that it is my first relationship where I tried so hard to be patient and worked on it (almost all my exes i dumped once there were any signs of trouble) and I just didn't want my effort and my prime years to go wasted. In fact, before I made this decision to leave him, i thought of waiting it out....to my 40s or 50s etc but at some point, i think it is best to know when to cut one's losses, before one loses even more.


I'm not desperate...but I m the kinda person who finds it a bit difficult to stay cool coz I've got a temper. If I'm in rage, definitely the volcano will letup. Sometimes my husband really says some hurtful and cutting stuff when I'm trying to talk-out our issues. So hard to be silent >_< I jus tahan this long because i thought marriage was supposed to be hard work and i can't throw in the towel at the slightest of things. But the negative list just keeps growing whereas the positive list is getting shorter.


Thanks, this means a lot!

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Sorry for the late replies. Coz probationary acc can only post 3 times in a 12 hr window zzzz They shld have made it 5 posts man. Can't even edit my original posts! Then waste another post, Gah!

This post has been edited by Sensualpassion: Apr 4 2022, 04:16 PM

yeah IT guy...and what u said, macam u know my husband. 100% accurate.



Uh...thanks but I'm not looking other guys atm. Better solve my issues first.



OMG!!! I also thought of this and told him before that i think he is on the autism spectrum. First, the way he talks to me (like super low EQ) sometimes and also to other ppl (if ppl say/ask him something he finds stupid, he will just give them cock stare and not reply) ! I just thought in the early days that he was just very very introverted n tongue-tied. Btw, spkg of language of love, have you guys heard of this? https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
We both did the test (unfortunately we didn't do it in the early stages of our rship)... I scored 11 on Physical Touch and he scored 4
Yup, i understand why u are surprised....I can say 1st year, i saw very little signs of our incompatibility (maybe he tried very hard to match me, or maybe it was just honeymoon period), after that, more and more of his true personality came out....but I still can see more good than bad in him. For example, he is pretty smart and very sensible (logical thinking kinda person, hence i think why EQ is low) so whenever i faced work issues n other matters etc, I find his advice quite helpful. Also our intimate life back then was not too bad, on avg 1-2 times a week and he was much more affectionate than now. I also felt I needed someone serious/stable like him to ground me down or else i will fly away and get out of control. 4th year, I stopped being an employee and became self-employed, therefore..all my focus went into my business. I told myself I can't have too many changes in other parts of my life, therefore I tolerated him a lot in the 4th year. The first time he proposed, i actually rejected. Then the 2nd time, i accepted. I guess in a way, i did half-settle because I thought that i already spent 4 years with this dude...I shouldn't let it go to waste. Once married, then went downhill lah, where the quarrels and fights became more than the "peaceful" moments. Wedding dinner that time also we fought and talked more to guests than to one another. I shld have known rite? #hindsight


Oh yeah hor, if u didn't point it out, i wouldn't have noticed. I was extremely late for this event, that's prolly why!


THanks for your kind words, sir! Don need to pity me, tho, how my husband has treated me over these few years didn't really dampen my confidence in that sector. kekeke I don't think i'm cream of the crop...but someone once told me something along the lines of, "give a guy Megan Fox also after a while he will be sien of her lah" which i think is very true and it's in our nature as humans (safe for a few special ones), to tire of somethin old, no matter how great that "item" was/is. Just like w children and toys. Btw, i found it sweet in your earlier comment where u said u never get tired looking at yr wife. How long have u guys been together? Reminds me of my ex where we were almost 2 years together but still he would stare at me every other day like he was seeing me for the first time


IMO, it boils down to our very very different attitude. I dislike it when my SO snaps at me rudely over every small thing n talk to me like i'm dam idiotic (i m not, ok ).Furthermore, when we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves on a holiday. No, he doesn't wanna zzz and it is not like i wanna buy/see everything. I like leisure holidays, not the kinda person who squeezes everything into a time tight itinerary. So yeah, one of our hols we were in a shopping mall and we were supposed to head to another place but we both had diff thoughts about which way we should go.
Me: isn't it here?
Him: *Irritation mode aka black face came out* NO! It's that way ok? *calls me some name i forgot wat...along the lines of stupid/bodoh/dumbo*
Me: ehh.. but I"m pretty sure it's there (said in a calm, non-confrontational manner)
Him: *rolls eyes , giving some why-da-fark-u-so-dumb narrowing eyes look at me* I said it is over here means it is over here OK???!! Can u stop wasting time??? U damn stupid wei.
Then a few more of similar lines...and i will be triggered. Some holidays, i will give silent treatment and walk off by myself. But when my beast mode comes on...well...even he will be afraid, so i dunno why he can't simply talk nicely to his so-called SO when we are on holiday.

The above is considered mini argument nia. Big scale one in front of trip w friends also got. I won't go into too much details... Summary is; he was helping his friend buy something from a popular store. I was waiting for them somewhere nearby when i went to check on the status (because many customers were at this store), so I went to him and it was almost his turn but said friend went MIA. He told me to find said friend because friend didn't specify his order. That friend also didn't check his hp for messages. Sooooo i ran around looking for that friend, found him and got his order (he was buying something else). I ran back to my SO and i saw that it was his turn ...so i gancheong and as i was running back to him (say about 5 feet away), i shouted friend's order to him (friend was running up several feet behind me too). Guess what? SO didn't appreciate my help at all. IN FACT, return of the BLack face on another level, because he said he couldn't hear me since it was noisy...then he proceeded to scold 9 me, "U damn 7 stupid wei! Use your brains lah?! Sor hai to the max...u shout from there then u expect me to be able to hear??!!!" yada yada yada blablabla scold scold scold . Btw, lots of strangers were around us n his friend had also arrived (we were in a foreign country, i hope they didn't understand him but i think his black face was a dead giveaway) . Anyway I was trying to defend myself by saying it was his turn so i was trying to tell him the order ASAP. But he would hardly let me get a word in. So in the end i also bangang rite... so i told him to "STFU" full version! I mean, cmon...i was only trying to help. I don't think it's fair at all that i kena that. It's clear to see who he was angry with, but i was the easiest target for him to let it out on. Upto this day, i don't think i've gotten an apology for that behaviour. He still insists i was a "sor hai" who was in the wrong.
He's a killjoy .... when a situation is supposed to be fun/relaxing, he just sucks the joy outta it.

BTw SO = significant other

That's nice, sounds like u know how to treat yr woman

Yes, luckily i'm pretty active and i do have a large wide network due to my job and also other sporting activites....too bad MCO has dampened many activities though!



Acts of service is actually # 2 highest for both of us. His #1 is Time. He likes to game, and watch Netflix/dramas, and oh, he likes alcohol. I hardly drink.

Not sure why he chose to propose. I asked him before and he said "Commitment lah".

For the holiday one, actually the 2 scenarios which i mentioned in my last post... it's more of him who initiated and planned the holiday (usually due to his friends). Like the one we argued in front of friends, that one was because our friends and him wanted to go. Yup i totally agree with u on the incompatibility issues... it is glaringly obvious as time passes by Like cat and dog


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Thanks for the support here and those who PM-ed me, guys. I will most likely go with Ralna's suggestion since it seems to go with my original plan of moving out. Also thanks for yr time to read and reply my rants haha